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Relationships

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Original poster

Inviting DBro's ExF/SILTB to wedding?

142 replies

blondebun · 24/11/2014 13:02

So, the dynamics between certain members of my immediate family can be regarded as fairly messy and complicated. Whenever I am forced to explain the state of affairs to others I am often left feeling exhausted and somewhat torn. My upcoming wedding seems as if it’s only going to intensify and exacerbate all the bad feeling that exists. I’m not sure how to navigate through this shitstorm.

I'll start from the beginning. I met my gorgeous fiancé through my lovely brother who was dating dp's twin sister (they met at uni). And for about five years the four of us had a great time together. We were all thrilled, if not a little surprised, when DBro proposed and SILTB accepted (they were only 24). However, that happiness was short lived. About six months after the engagement DBro arrived on my doorstep in the middle of the night absolutely distraught, I had never seen my brother in such a state. (I get emotional just recalling the condition he was in) DP and I managed to get it out of him that SILTB was leaving him for another man (her boss) and not only that but she had also had a secret abortion weeks after the proposal. As you can imagine I was totally enraged (as was DP) and could not believe this woman was capable of such cruelty. She had always been the sweetest, loveliest girl. I was convinced she must have had some sort of breakdown that could enable her to act so maliciously (her father unexpectedly passed away a year earlier in a freak accident). My entire family hated her. My mother still only refers to her using a racial slur (she is of Indian origin). I am obviously unhappy about it but understand why she does.

Well fast forward five years and a lot has changed. SILTB is now living in the US and is a mother to two boys and is expecting twins early next year. Her life seems to have flourished into something quite special -she has beautiful homes, cars, lifestyle etc but a great marriage/family also. Whilst in contrast, DBro hasn’t managed to meet anyone special despite the fact that he is a very handsome, lovely guy. It appears he has only time for work these days (he is a surgeon)

I’m torn because in many ways I have forgiven her. I don't doubt for a moment that she totally regrets how she behaved and handled the situation. Over the years we have managed to rebuild our relationship- something which I have mostly kept from my own family. For me time and distance has healed. When I see her now with her husband and baby sons I know she made the right decision for herself. But of course I still harbour a lot of resentment for the way she conducted herself and the long-lasting damage this has had on DBro.

My parents assume we won’t invite her to my wedding in a year’s time. But I can’t do this to DP who loves his sister and nephews deeply and wants them there. I feel like this may also be a good opportunity to sort out unresolved issues and may ultimately be good for DBro- who is the person I most need to protect. Please advise. I feel like I'm in the middle.

OP posts:

CaptainHolt · 03/01/2015 20:32

I think I'm missing something too. It's not that uncommon for people to split from the people they were dating at 19. In an ideal world she would have accepted that it wasn't working out earlier and simply 'left' rather than 'left for her boss' but surely nobody expects her to have honoured the engagement when she no longer wanted to marry him.

I agree with other posters that her abortion was her decision. Perhaps she shouldn't have told him. Perhaps he shouldn't have told his mother. I don't know.

I think your brother is in danger of spoiling his own life by dwelling on something he can't change.

Nanny0gg · 03/01/2015 20:46

I'll go against the grain here.

Why does your DH's sister, who has treated your brother very, very badly (even though she couldn't help her feelings) get to come and your brother doesn't? I actually think she should be gracious and decline.

I'm with your mum.

clam · 03/01/2015 21:09

Why should the SIL miss her own twin's wedding because the OP's brother is not mature enough to have moved on in his life after a youthful romance ended, five years ago?
I think that this is not the OP's problem to sort out, actually. Invite them both and let them decide if they're up to dealing with it. And tell your mother to butt out. I think your fiance deserves a medal for ignoring the insults she continues to give his sister. After all, anything racist she directs towards her must surely also apply to him? And to your children with him? And, by association to you? How can you ignore this?

lunar1 · 03/01/2015 21:28

If you siltb was a decent person she would just stay away, you shouldn't even have to ask her not to come after the latest development. You brother is being endlessly punished for her poor behaviour.

CaptainHolt · 03/01/2015 21:34

Endlessly punished?

Reekypear · 03/01/2015 21:34

OP....if your mothers words where in the heat of the moment, and regretted, you were disingenuous to remark on them here, you must have known that the whole issue would be sidelined on this one point.

clam · 03/01/2015 21:35

Why? How is he being punished? By her moving on and living a happy and fulfilled life? It's his responsibility to create that for himself, surely?

Reekypear · 03/01/2015 21:35

Clam....although abortion may be a woman's choice...it's ok for a man to hate the fact his baby was aborted. frankly if I were a man I would probably never get over that.

clam · 03/01/2015 21:36

And this "latest development," whatever it may have been, occurred when she wasn't even in the country, let alone the room. How was it her fault?

clam · 03/01/2015 21:37

Reekypear, you may just be projecting there.

lunar1 · 03/01/2015 22:01

Endlessly punished because he will never truly get away from the situation that caused him so much hurt. I wouldn't want such a reminder of the past. He didn't cause the problem but now because he is expected to be a bigger person he will have to deal with this now and probably at many more family functions in the future. He gets the rough end of this deal.

woodychip · 03/01/2015 22:27

Your brother is acting like a teenager! Tell him to get a grip and move on! Why is he being such a drama queen about it all. People move on, tell him to grow up and act like an adult. Your sister in law has moved on and is happy and if he really loved her he would be happy for her. At the moment he is sounding like he is choosing to be bitter and twisted over it all and he is ruining HIS life and affecting YOURS and your wedding.

MimiSunshine · 03/01/2015 22:31

If you struggle to believe your BIL could have made a nasty comment but also have no reason to doubt your DB could it be he heard an insult where there wasn't one because he wanted to of his feelings about him?

I was recently at an event with a current partner and ex of a friend. The current later told me they were very annoyed by a comment the ex made. I was with them both 100% of the time and the specific comment was innocuous but the current was annoyed purely because they don't like the ex.

To be honest I think you have to tell your mum and brother that they are spoiling your wedding and need to stop making it about them and support you in being at the wedding without causing a scene.

Give your SIL and BIL a heads up to steer clear of them but to attend with your blessing.

Original poster

blondebun · 03/01/2015 22:32

I totally dismiss the possibility of my fiance intentionally informing dBro of "BIL" visiting us. He's just not the sort of guy who would revel in such a thing or create unecessary drama. He loves Dbro like an actual brother and would want no harm to come to him.

Plus the only reason I included the fact that my mum has on occasion referred to my SIL using a racial slurl was to show that even though a significant period of time has passed, a lot of hurt remains. I was in fact surprised that people were so unsympathetic and lacked empathy.

DBro has always been such a great brother to me and I'm lucky to have had such a close bond with him. I just want to figure out how to get things to a state where we can all celebrate my relationship/marriage.

OP posts:

CaptainHolt · 03/01/2015 22:33

Nobody 'wants' painful reminders of anything but there are a lot of people who have to deal with exes on a daily basis, or have to live in the same town as them, or work with them. There is a thread at the moment where the OP works with the OW. People have to get on with their lives, and let other people get on with theirs.

The OP hasn't really said what she has done, apart from leave him (which is surely her right) and have an abortion (heartbreaking for him, but still her right). She has hinted that she behaved very badly, presumably above and beyond a simple break-up, but she can't go back and change it and neither can he.

What should she have done? Married him? Had a child she didn't want? Stay with him forever because his wants are more important than hers.
Maybe the OP should break up with her DP to remove any painful reminders for her brother.

The woman has already emigrated, I don't see what else she can do. It's not her fault that her bro is marrying his sis. It's unfortunate, and I feel for him, but surely she was entitled to end the relationship and get on with her life. There are very few people who marry the person they were with at 19, and very many people who end relationships when they meet someone else. If she had posted, at 25 'I'm engaged to my DP of 5 years but I've fallen for someone else, should I still get married?' How many people would tell her she should because she would hurt his feelings if she didn't.

clam · 03/01/2015 22:57

Well, we don't know your fiance, of course, and you do. However, is there a possibility that he might have thought he was helping, by setting up a situation whereby your dbro and his bil could get the initial awkward meeting out of the way? Just a thought.

But I'm afraid I'm not buying the excuses re: the racial slur. Heat of the moment/emotions running high/whatever; no excusing it, sorry. In fact, it's when our emotions are roused that we are more likely to express our true thoughts.

FelicityGubbins · 03/01/2015 23:03

I find it hard to believe you feel that you have such a close relationship with your 'great brother' then invite the man who shat all over him to stay in your house! he might be a great brother but you are a shit sister.
I have several (many) siblings, and not one of us would ever be so damn heartless to each other, ever!..

clam · 03/01/2015 23:16

If they are that close, then it would be nice to think that her brother could sit on his feelings on the subject for one day, so that his sister could enjoy her wedding without worrying about a fight breaking out.

clam · 03/01/2015 23:18

And felicity, strictly speaking it was the sister who shat all over the relationship, as she was the one in it at the time.

And the OP said that the bil's visit was unexpected and last-minute. Was she really meant to turn him away?

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 03/01/2015 23:24

No wonder your brother hasn't met anyone else.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 03/01/2015 23:27

If you're getting married in a church, be sure to get the ushers to ask each guest if they're on the side of the woman who had the affair and termination or the surgeon who can't get to acceptance. You don't want competing factions sitting cheek by jowl in the pews.

Just invite everyone YOU and your future husband want to be there. It isn't up to you two to manage your guests' interpersonal difficulties.

FelicityGubbins · 03/01/2015 23:30

If it were my door, he wouldn't turn up in the first place, he (and the sister) would have been told to go off and live their lives and be happy, but that I wouldn't be playing happy families with them.
Maybe I am a hard and unforgiving bitch, but I honestly would put my own brother first. I wouldn't interfere with my Dh's relationship with his sister, but I wouldn't be part of it.

Nanny0gg · 03/01/2015 23:34

Maybe I am a hard and unforgiving bitch, but I honestly would put my own brother first.

^^This

clam · 03/01/2015 23:35

So, felicity, you'd put your brother and his inability to move on from a dud relationship five years ago before your husband?

clam · 03/01/2015 23:35

So, felicity, you'd put your brother and his inability to move on from a dud relationship five years ago before your husband?

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