A Challenging Family Christmas? Make yourself at home here

[Hissy]

While some have the christmas experiences shown in the adverts, others are starting to feel the impending doom of family festivities.

For some the pressure may have already started to build and this is a thread to support anyone who identifies with this sentiment.

This is a thread for you to come and just be, come and talk to us about it, we'll hear you and listen and understand.

Ongoing support for those of us with Problem Families, or family dynamics that make us feel sad/bad/mad is available as ever on the Stately Homes Thread

what a nice idea, I wonder if there are any locally, not too expensive ... good if I find some, we everyone! can raise glasses together at noon =)

i cant stand xmas. its a horrible consumerist bingefest. im single so the 'its all about family' stuff is pretty horrid and exclusive

I try to avoid the adverts and the cloying programmes on at this time. I do rather like its a wonderful life though.

I try to ignore as much as possible and when asked what im doing I say I don't know. and if pushed i'll say what a crock of shit I think it is and how I spend time with my loved ones when I want not when large companies tell me I should

im particularly fond of answering people who ask the week after 'did you have a nice xmas?', 'no it was shit, how was yours?' this is purely because everyone says yes it was lovely/a bit quiet etc, or some other trite nothing comment. I feel for the people who have such a rough time at this time of the year so i'm trying to do my bit to deter the silliness and not go along with the illusion that its a wonderful time of the year

don't get me started on the waste and the gluttony.

i'll stop rambling now and wish you all a happy winter

Mine will be challenging in that my husband has left me so just me and the kids for xmas - although I will still take them to my parents for xmas dinner and will offer that their dad can come for a couple of hours xmas morn while they open their presents...

I'm dreading Christmas this year, my ex husband and I separated earlier this year. We are coming together Xmas morning for our 2 boys but it's going to take a lot of poker facing and patience to get through it. I've lost both my mum and dad so it just feels very sad this Christmas I think I shall mainly be drinking wine !!!

This might just be the thread I can ask aibu about a tricky family get together. Basically dm separated from her ea partner last year after 12 years together (a very tumultuous 12 years) and moved out of their home. This year however he seems to have worked his way back into her life. My siblings and I have no real idea what their 'relationship' is now. Started off 'just friends' because she was lonely, then they went on holiday together with dm telling me if he exhibited any of his manipulative and controlling traits she would discontinue whatever relationship they had. On her return she said, he had and she knows he will never change (quelle surprise) but she is STILL seeing him. Anyway, he has two children both of which we know from primary school, the two families had integrated fairly well (my siblings and I were most certainly not treated equal to his children) and got along well. Two years ago I went through a rough divorce, I then subsequently entered a new relationship and fell unexpectedly pregnant. My family were great, except for his children, no message of support during a turbulent time and no congratulations on the birth of my child. In fact it seems they sided with my ex. In addition when dm split from partner originally it was after threats of violence. His daughter told dm that leaving him was ridiculous because 'he always threatened to hit us, there is nothing wrong with it' and has not had contact with dm in 18 months since the split. So that's the abridged back story. My mother has decided that Christmas would be the best time to organise a meal inviting my siblings and I, her partner or whatever the hell he is and his children. I do not wish to see his children especially but also have absolutely no idea how I am expected to act around a man I know to be abusive to my mother. Would I be unreasonable not to go?

MY GOD, there are some horror stories on this post, chin up, tits out ladies, it's just one day after all, get some vodka/champagne down your neck, we will overcome / put up with these miserable excuses for human beings, we are stronger than they could ever imagine. Don't let the bastards get u down, as my dear old mum used to say!

muddylettuce of course it's fine not to go. Tell your dm straight and stop hiding the truth.

you know he's abusive, she doesn his kids do (wtf do they think they were describing? normal loving childhood/relationship?)

muddylettuce you are most definitely not being unreasonable not to go. Don't do it, it will be a disaster.

Snowflake glasses update, Asda have high ball ones at £1 each and rather nice wine/cocktail ones at £2.

I shall be buying one of them tomorrow.

UnfortunatelyMyTitsAreVeryFondOfTheFloorAndGoDownRatherThanOutNowTiggaxx

Muddlylettuce

Do not go to this "family gathering". It has DFS written all over it; disaster from the start.

As for his DDs comments, words fail me. Clearly she does not realise that the only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is NONE.

Your mother for her own reasons chooses to stay with her abuser, probably out of a combination of fear, his conditioning of her and really not knowing anything different. You can tell her straight but she may well not listen to what you say.

Gonna buy some of those glasses as well , they sound lovely dawntigga, and raise one in honour of all the lovely ladies ( and a few men) of mumsnet, and all the trials and tribulations we have to deal with , but especially at this time of year. Cheers! Doesn't have to be alcoholic by the way, whatever floats your boat. X

Hissy you are so very right. I don't understand my mum and what drives her. Then again I no longer even want to try to understand her. Anyone who wants others, especially their own children, to be unhappy is a walking red flag to me. She is now making christmas arrangements via my DDs and not speaking about it directly to me...! Well..that will be futile. I want a lovely christmas this year so an early resolution is to not be coerced into hosting anyone who wants to bring unhappiness into my home...

Snowflake glasses sound a nice idea

MistreSs you're going to habve to call her and tell her she's not coming. if you've done this once alread), then you'll have to do it again.

how old are your dds?

Attila we've told her, held her hand when they were having problems and then supported her when she left. She's left a few times, this time she has gone the farthest she ever has and is living alone. We're hoping things don't revert back and I think were fearful of this when her Christmas plans have become apparent. After re-reading my post last night I got a bit of a grip, spoke to my brothers and we took a united front. We told her Christmas was not the time to try and reintegrate the families (I told her this is never going to happen for me) and the result is lunch 'just us' have no idea if this means her partner as I have yet to speak to her but at least no 'children'. Hopefully I will be able to park myself down the other end of the table and avoid him.

Just checking in on this thread. Partner and I separated about 2 months ago- still under the same roof and our split isn't public knowledge until ex-p moves out in the New Year. We have 2 little boys- 4 and 2, and they don't know. As much as the split is amicable, it is still so, so hard. Painting smiles on faces etc. Plus, I know what is coming in the New Year- having to tell the boys, family etc. Not looking forward to it at all. So, that sort of takes the gloss of Christmas. How do I get through it, without dissolving into tears? It's all for the best, as we'll be happier apart, rather than being miserable together, but Christmas just seems to make everything seem so much worse.

Hissy I know..Im just feeling aggrieved that I have to call and tell her! People know when they're being obnoxious and when they're not welcome but christmas is silly season isn't it "sigh...". My DDs are 19 & 20 so they're grown up and mostly do their own thing; but of an age where my mum can call and talk to them, bypassing me. I don't mind her bypassing me, but I do mind her making arrangements via DDs..essentially, inviting herself so she can "spend time with her grandaughters" and then start her silly behaviour which obviously the DDs can see. I am going to have to make that call aren't I...

muddy have a back up plan, if you rock up and the whole family is there have something you can go back home to.

mistress tell your dd's she isn't coming. Phone your mother and tell her she isn't coming, follow this up with an email. Leave no ambiguity. If she shows up on Xmas day tell her she can go away. This, by any stretch of the imagination, will not be easy. If you give in to her manipulation on this she will use it on everything. Yes, yes you are going to have to make that call.

OffToBuyMyGlassesTiggaxx

Can I join in please?

Not sure I have any big horror stories to share but I plan to leave my H in new year. Atmosphere is vile and hideous and I want xmas to be over. It's my favourite time of year usually and this year I hate it.

Oh and my mum is a b**ch. just asked her very nicely if she fancies coming to her DGDs birthday party this year and got a resounding no. We have major history but every now and then I try to extend the olive branch and get it thrown back at me. She will disown me when me and DH split. Can't wait.

Toast Stop doing the same things and expecting different results.

stop asking her for anything and you won't be disappointed.

My ExDM also abandoned me when my ex left. they LOVE to see us hurt. You don't need her, you really don't.

At least you know what faces you, I hd no idea my mother held such resentment until he'd gone. This was more hurtful than the fact my ex left.

Tell her now that you want nothing to do with her, take back your life.

Telling children after Xmas that h and I are divorcing. Not fun.

arla never a good time for it, but it will be OK.

the waiting is worse, once you have got the whole thing over and done with, things will start to feel better.

good luck love!

for Arlagirl and toast ,and all others with pending post-holiday breakups.
I will be walking on eggshells. Driving 11 hours to ils this Sat and returning trip on Christmas Eve, believe it or not. I am good with that as we get our Christmas at home. (Yea dh!) The eggshells bit is more of a minefield for me because mil is dying of decreased lung function (bunch of problems). She is at home (probably ought to be in a facility) with fil (84) being her full time care provider. The 2 local sils apparently don't /won't do much to help. One is a physician's assistant fgs. Shocking, also, due to the great assistance both pils have provided this particular daughter.
I have always been treated as an outsider. It used to bother me but the past few years (married 25) I have learned to appreciate it. My own dp parents have passed on years ago. I am dreading comments that I "don't have to deal with that" (which may trigger anger as being completely unempathetic) from the sils. I am dreading having to step in for the three days to do care that dh won't do himself, to give fil a break, however brief....when they have all treated me like an alien from another planet for so many years.

AND, after a few years of counselling (and support from the greatest support group on Earth= MN ) I have worked through a ears long chronic state of dysthymia, and found my voice, confidence, self-esteem...I feel so much better. BUT the present circumstances will require that I shut down and walk on eggshells and say as little as possible (revert to just like I used to be)...the ironies of life. It just isn't the right time for me to speak up. I get it, but the frustration!

I will self soothe myself by polishing my snowflake glasses...snowflakes better not rub off or I may have to do some Martha Stewart glass etching craft!
dawntigga You brighten my day!
Hissy thanks again for the thread and venting venue.

I know, it is only three days...No sweat
Ha ha ha ha

WitchesGlove : Yeah, I would like to spend Xmas somewhere else, it's just that I'm kind of expected to be at home for it, I have every other year.

Where did I read only today that if you continue the same behaviour, don't expect different results? Witches - so what if you are 'expected' for christmas? MAKE the change NOW! Go on holiday. Find other family if you can. Volunteer at a christmas day charity. But don't expect a different result for the same input year after year.

I need to get some snowflake glasses. I'm going to need them, lots of them

arla- I know how you feel. We're in complete limbo and I keep beating myself up about what their faces will be like when we tell the boys (they are 4 and 2). And I'm dreading telling my parent, too, as they'll probably come up with a conspiracy theory about why we are breaking up etc etc and I can't be doing with it. I suppose it's given us a lot of time to get used to the idea, so we can be more matter of fact about things, but still it is tough going. We'll all get each other through Christmas, I'm sure.