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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A Challenging Family Christmas? Make yourself at home here

312 replies

Hissy · 20/11/2014 14:48

While some have the christmas experiences shown in the adverts, others are starting to feel the impending doom of family festivities.

For some the pressure may have already started to build and this is a thread to support anyone who identifies with this sentiment.

This is a thread for you to come and just be, come and talk to us about it, we'll hear you and listen and understand.

Ongoing support for those of us with Problem Families, or family dynamics that make us feel sad/bad/mad is available as ever on the Stately Homes Thread

OP posts:
pausingforbreath · 20/12/2014 11:04

....... Sorry , that was unclear ; Dh and I are talking, fine, on the same page etc. it's my PIL I haven't spoken to since......

GoodtoBetter · 20/12/2014 11:09

Don't go, pausing. It's.going to be a disaster. Say dc taken a turn for the worst.

Meerka · 20/12/2014 11:17

yes, this is going to be an utter disaster. The writing is on the wall - an argument like this is a really bad way to start the holiday. It's ony going to get worse and it certainly isn't going to be unpleasant.

Don't go.

pausingforbreath · 20/12/2014 11:18

We are all ( Dh kids, me) too excited for that goodtobetter.
Also I'm too stubborn to allow PIL to curtail our holiday to somewhere I love.

Actually, I'm just too stubborn for them full stop. I won't be shaped by them but keep my own opinions and fight their control .....

Meerka · 20/12/2014 11:39

then I'll wish you a backbone of titanium, a face of brass to outrage them and a good sense of the ridiculous to laugh at them =)

pausingforbreath · 20/12/2014 11:53

Meerka,
Thank you, I will hope.
Plus I have vodka Xmas Wink

OnTheParapet · 20/12/2014 13:24

Tigga passive aggressive, yes I know. This morning I changed my usual routine to make sure I could speak to him when he woke up and I suggested we go to the cinema this evening. He ignored me so I said mmm? His reply was no I don't fancy it. I said we have both been so busy the last couple of weeks with other things and we need to have some quality time. No reply. Just "see you later" as he went to see his sister.

SockyWockyDooDaaa · 20/12/2014 20:20

I can't go into too much detail on here. I went NC with my Narc Mother and now my siblings want nothing to do with either me or my DCs.

My kids are heartbroken.

CarryOn90 · 20/12/2014 21:41

Hi everyone

Well I was supposed to be having "Christmas" with my DF all weekend (then actual christmas with DM and other family) but I have come home already. Big argument. Awkward step family issues.

hate the pressure of everything having to be perfect

Original poster
Hissy · 20/12/2014 21:43

explain in age appropriate truth to yur children that sometimes not very nice people have children, and those children grow up to have children of their own. the not very nice people are not good parents, nor good gp. explain sometimes these not very nice people managed to convince their family to do things/say things that hurt us too.

ultimately it's better your familiy doesn't have contact with them.

OP posts:
GoodtoBetter · 21/12/2014 17:52

God, I'm in such a bad mood today. Don't know if it's tiredness, all the DM crap or not wanting to do Xmas Eve with the PILs. Just would like to run away to a snowy cabin somewhere with Dh and the DCs til it's all over. Just get away completely from all the crap and the baggage.
Might have a mince pie (v hard to get here) when kids are in bed and try to feel a bit more xmasy.

Original poster
Hissy · 21/12/2014 19:20

par for the course good it's the dm crap coming out.

I think the fact that you have your ILs dictating to you a bit wrt the christmas eve thing, and the fact you feel so understandably vulnerable are combining to piss you off. on some level being alone might help - for a few moments - but ultimately you'd feel lonely and sad.

this year is going to be harder, no matter what you do. if you can just be kind to yourself, try to take some time to be by yourself and at peace, it might help a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hissy · 21/12/2014 19:22

you should get the ingredients and MAKE the mincemeat lovey!

failing that, PM us next time and we'll send you a jar! xx

OP posts:
GoodtoBetter · 21/12/2014 19:42

I have a pack of 6 from Carrefour and Dh hates them so all for me!!! He he he. Lidl were selling the mincemeat actually but I cba to make them myself. Have Lidl mini marzipan stollen too ;)

The PILs aren't dictating, there's no reason not to have them over for a meal on Xmas Eve (traditional here) and they are very nice people. It is a totally reasoanble thing to do, I'm being unreasonable, I recognise that.
It's just that I'd rather not be bothered. But it's like Xmas Day for DH and he wants to do it. Since we've had kids we've only ever had Xmas Eve lunch (it's traditional to have a late dinner) so, fair enough he's compromised on this one since we met. In compensation we've agreed Xmas Day it's just the 4 of us, although we may go for coffee in the afternoon with PILs. I don't mind that cos I'm always bored by about 5pm on Xmas Day tbh.

I really can't complain, I'm just being a bit spoilt. If it were me, I'd have a lovely lunch out somewhere Xmassy on Xmas Eve (can't do that here as everything shutting by then so people can go home and get ready for the evening meal), then have mince pies and hot drinks and maybe some mulled wine, listen to some carols, put the kids to bed and watch a film while quaffing Amaretto.

DH has this idea it'll be lovely, and it will in some ways and I am grateful for nice PILs, but it will also involve over excited children, insanity at way past their bed time, a big meal far later than I like eating and 80 yr old PILs making me feel tetchy after about 2 hours.

Bah humbug.

Original poster
Hissy · 21/12/2014 19:55

LOVED carrefour when I lived in eejitland. it was the purveyor of beans, the seller of HP... :) i'm not one of those saddos that won't eat 'native' but there are times when you neeeeeeeed a proper cuppa ;)

get a couple plates of bits and bobs for the kids, and give it to them early on so that if they do flag they can just go to bed.

it will be lovely, but you've been through a LOT, and need to be mindful of this.

I know you'd want it all to be different, but it never was...

be kind to yourself (((hug)))

OP posts:
GoodtoBetter · 21/12/2014 20:06

Yes, there will be nibbles and then a big meal at about 8 or 9pm. (9 being a late night for my kids). I'll let them eat as many nibbles as they want and have some sandwiches or whatever handy and just not worry at all if they don't eat the meal. If it all gets too much they can sit in the lounge on cushions and watch Peppa Pig on my laptop and go to bed.
I worry that DH thinks they'll cope better than they will or that his expectations are a bit high, and if I mention ideas to keep them amused or whatever he seems to think I'm "worrying too much" but as he says, it's only once a year.
I just need to chill out a bit and get in the festive mood, hence the mince pie ;)

GoodtoBetter · 21/12/2014 20:08

It was my idea to host PILs here rather than go to theirs as it means the kids can be carried up to bed if necessary as well as MIL not having to do all the work (also means we don't have to eat the rank food MIL bought last year)

Original poster
Hissy · 21/12/2014 21:25

you're in your own home, the kids can go to bed if they need to, which will give YOU a chance to take a break from the festivities if you so need it, it will be fine love! :)

OP posts:
GoodtoBetter · 21/12/2014 21:51

Thanks, Hissy. I think part of it is that Xmas 2 yrs ago was FUCKING SHIT. DM stormed off to the flat on the 15th Dec and then it was all just AWFUL all over xmas and until we moved out at the end of Jan 2013. Then Xmas 2013 was really strained, DM came here and everyne was polite but it was so stressful. Then, apparently this summer she claims I invited in "the coldest voice imaginable" and that she only came as it was that or beans on toast on her own Hmm.
So, it's been a few shitty shite Xmases and I suppose I'd rather just not do it at all, just go away the four of us.
But I'll get a grip and we'll have a nice time, honest.

Spindelina · 22/12/2014 09:10

Good it's really hard to put aside what has gone before. I had some miserable Christmases growing up, the highlight being one year spending the Christmas morning church service sleeping on the minister's sofa having been kept awake by shouty family most of the night. Can you fake it till you make it? And make sure you do have that time put aside to share a moment with your DH, preferably after everyone else has gone.

My DBro (who lives 15 mins walk away but is struggling with his MH) has declined our invitation for Christmas day. I've said the invitation is still open, and I'm hoping he decides to come and join us. But not entirely sure that being in the same room as my DM is the best thing for him.

To add to the fun, we've just had an unexpected death in DH's family. I'd met the deceased a few times at weddings and so on, as had DH. But he grew up with the newly widowed mum of two young children, and he's finding that quite hard.

dawntigga · 22/12/2014 09:30

Next year, when we have fixed the van up, we are thinking of buggering off to Norway/Findland and spending Xmas somewhere with snow.

I'd take you all if we had room.

GtB it's NOT unreasonable not to want to host something if you don't want to. You're children are going to be better than you think they will, also, you have access to your own homes alcohol. Which, ime, always makes this time of year easier. Try not to let your intolerable wankbadger colour your future Xmas's. It isn't easy.

A belated joyous Solstice and I wish you and your loved ones the brightest of blessings.

UnrepentantPaganTiggaxx

Original poster
Hissy · 22/12/2014 16:04

ooh Dawn, that sounds LOVELY! We'd definitely come with you.... if you had room Xmas Grin

OP posts:
GoodtoBetter · 24/12/2014 16:35

How's everyone doing? Kids over excited and have to prepare a Christmas dinner this evening (tradition here in Spain). PILs arriving at 8pm. Still feeling full from tapas at lunch. Can't be arssssssssssed with any of it. Ah well, at least toxic narc mother is leaving me in peace so far.

Who managed to get snowflake glasses in the end?

arlagirl · 24/12/2014 16:45

Pretty shit here.
H not speaking to me.... Blaming me, accusing me of all sorts, generally being bitter.
I am totally rising above it all but tomorrow will be very difficult.

GoodtoBetter · 24/12/2014 18:04

I'm drinking amaretto prepping veg in the kitchen with fabulous Christmas music blasting out Grin