A Challenging Family Christmas? Make yourself at home here

[Hissy]

While some have the christmas experiences shown in the adverts, others are starting to feel the impending doom of family festivities.

For some the pressure may have already started to build and this is a thread to support anyone who identifies with this sentiment.

This is a thread for you to come and just be, come and talk to us about it, we'll hear you and listen and understand.

Ongoing support for those of us with Problem Families, or family dynamics that make us feel sad/bad/mad is available as ever on the Stately Homes Thread

Thank you for kind words.
I will be so relieved to tell friends and family who have no idea what is going on .
I can muddle through Xmas day with much champagne.

arla- yes, it will be such a relief. Oh well, I'll source some champagne and make a toast to all of us struggling through Christmas and to a prosperous NY and onwards and upwards!!

Finally got my snowflake glass, I attach a v bad picture of it. 2 quid from Asda and worth every penny.

I shall be drinking the bottle of champagne I got for my 40th (6 years ago) in it on Xmas day and thinking of you all.

BlushesAtGingerbreadTiggaxx

I've spent ages reading through everyone's posts, my heart goes out to everyone's situation, I hope everyone manages to find some joy within some of the crap that goes with it.
I'm certainly more of a lurker than a poster, but am saddened to say this thread really strikes a chord with me; big time.
This will be my 10th Christmas without my gorgeous Mum and I also lost my lovely Dad a couple of years back. There's nothing like the 'family time' of Christmas to remind you that you no longer have those lovely parents that made every Christmas special.
I'm married with kids with means I have in laws , trouble is to me ; they're (pain ) in - (the arse) laws.
Same old complaint, MIL still wants the control of her family, can't accept her kids are adults with children of their own and families of their own that should be free to make decisions ( and mistakes) of their own.
I suspect heavily narcissistic, very opinionated and wants 'her Christmas with her family' every year.
Where we spend Christmas every year is always a source of pain discussion - within a month of my own Mum dying she said to me ' well at least that's christmas sorted- you can always come to us now as you have no where else to go.....'
I made a promise to myself that day, that I have kept. I will never sit around her table for Christmas dinner ever again. We have made it that we have 'our' Christmas dinner at our house for 'our' family. I am happy for anyone to join us...
I have enough MIL experiences from over the many years to write a series of books. My Mum always told me to patient, not to worry about my kids- when they were old enough they would see through her. ( they are and she was right).
So what have I gone and done now ???? We're all going away for Christmas together....
I'm hoping it will be wonderful , the perfect family get away Christmas. Nice big roaring fire, mulled wine, smiles over the unwrapping of presents ,big walks , no having to drive anywhere for anyone, neutral territory.....
But , it's over a whole week , a whole week.
Please reassure me it's going to be fine.
And no ,Dh's boundaries are not great when it comes to his Mum.
But , it will be lovely, won't it?

(I'm already singing in my head ' let it go' frozen style )

Can I join this thread please?

I was about to post a little "woe is me xmas is shit" thread earlier because I am feeling rather low about it all - but its so bloody long winded I couldnt get it all out. Its nowhere near as awful as some of the things I have read on here but its making me quite low tbh and I am dreading the whole Xmas thing tbh.

It waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to long winded to go into the ins and outs of it all but despite how funny this sounds I am really pissed off and upset.

I have managed to piss off pretty much my whole family thanks to a phonecall from my Dad at the weekend,in which I was slagging them off and moaning about their demands and inflexible attitudes as to how/when we will all get together at some point over Xmas - without realising they were all sat there and I was on loud speaker!!

I usually shut up and put up but this year I thought I would actually try and stand up for myself and say - actually,these dates are not ideal, can someone else be more flexible this year please because every year I feel its me really putting ourselves out to see everyone and often missing other stuff and invites.

I am really stressed out and worked up as I only found out last week (for definate) we move 5th January 300 miles away and so Xmas is not my main priority right now - finding schools for my teens and filling in the forms to get a house/removals sorted is. My family know this - but are pissed off I cannot do their suggested date - this Sunday (I am still waiting for parcels to arrive)!!

Yes I was rather unforgiving in my moan to my Dad (and the rest of them ) but I now have the silent treatment. No one has called or replied to my texts. I am too scared to call my parents as my mum will be a total cow bag about my outburst and I just dont have the emotional capacity to deal with that right now as I am so stressed out.

Worst thing is. I am actually dreading the Xmas and boxing day we have planned with my vile MIL. I agreed to it out of guilt as she is recently widowed. I am just dreading the whole thing (but its only 2 days - thats my mantra at the mo). But my family are rejecting me now. .

1944 for you. It's hard not to see the family (that we want to) - and hard to be 'used' as your DGD did. It's the addiction, not her.
tigga - lovely!

pausing - everyone will have their own agenda for the week. A relaxing of 'expectations' will help the week go smoothly. Hope you have a lovely time and well done for sticking to your guns over MIL
merrymo well done you too. Sometimes things need to be said. Don't apologise for that! Don't worry about their reactions, or the silent treatment - get on with your first priorities; schools, packing, your new life, then christmas and then worry about the extended family. After all, they know you are moving 300 miles away - if they want to cut you off before that, that's their decision. You for sure won't be seeing a lot of them post-move. Good luck in your new life.

Meerymo whooops! Still you needed to say it and it needed to be said.

I have my own issues, but am confining them to the Stately Homes thread for now.

I just despair mostly. It's utterly beyond comprehension how my family can do what they do and sleep at night.

My abusive ex leaves, they all leave me to get on with it alone, not once did anyone ask if I was OK. Only my friends made me realise that this was not normal. this was the beginning, this was the excruciating beginning of the end of my birth family.

Mother moves house last year, but seems to think it's OK to NOT tell me exactly where she is going to live (I knew the county - far! - but nothing else) she discussed it openly with others....

Then when I expressed dismay, i got shouted at. When I said I needed time, I got relentless weekly phonecalls. as if nothing had happened. I ignored.

When i didn't respond I got visited. they barged about my home, bustled my boy and then refused to leave when asked. the police made them go. not before they sat on my sofa for 30 mins waiting for the police so THEY could talk sense TO me....

I've given the chance to apologise, i've ASKED for an apology. Nothing.

I told them to leave me alone. DM has texted my DS for his birthday. I let her have it both barrels.

Yet I am the one that my Dad asks to make up...

why IS that? seriously? I don't understand.

It hurts, it flaming hurts as it's so pointless and needless.

I wish I had another family. I wish I could just leave it all behind. If I get the chance to do so, I will. Like a rocket!

*pausing' remind your dh that he has boundary issues and EVERYTHING needs to be checked with you BEFORE saying yes. Good luck, drink lots.

MerryMo they know now, if they don't get in contact screw them. When was the last time any single one of them made a concesion for you? Now, remember that, if they don't like it come January you'll be 300 miles away and it won't matter anyway. If you're moving somewhere holidayish I bet bloody money the will come crawling back.

WeCanBeTheSanityForEachOtherOurFamiliesDon'tProvideTiggaxx

MerryMoo
Although whoops could come to mind also so could 'you got it off your chest' also does....by putting you on loudspeaker it's almost like you were on trial with an audience. Well done for standing up for yourself . Now you have shown everyone you will not be at everyone else's convenience anymore, it has given you a clearer way forward. But understand the radio silence hurts - hopefully when they've considered what you said was only fair; they will reply. It's the season of goodwill after all.

ptumbi bless you being so optimistic expectations / obligations are being loaded by the hour. But do you know what, I have decided its as much my Xmas as anyone else's & I'm going try hard to enjoy myself and not let anyone control that enjoyment.

Hissy it sounds very tough. After the loss of my own family ; I decided make my own 'chosen' family. With my close friends; we've got each other's backs , supportive shoulders, lots of love. I know I would of gone under without them holding me up and visa versa. It's taught me family doesn't need to be related by blood. Make your own new family of people that care for you in return.x

Dawntigger You have Sussed me out - do you have me tapped?
The poor bugger (Dh) his face was a picture when we got together to discuss shopping for the weekend.
MIL ' we need butter but not your butter, I only eat lurpak'
ME ' we too only have lurpak but as there's so many of us together for Xmas , shopping to suit the individual taste would become too problematic - so I guess we have to shop for the group not individual, it's only a week of change after all.
A while later
MIL ' we won't need any spirits only wine'
DH ' of course we will, pausings fav drink for a start is vodka'
ME ' don't be ridiculous ,' ( a term used against me a lot by mil), ' we've already got the advocat and jeigermeister together with the vodka ready'
I'm so ready for her this time......

trouble is, i've been told i'm not good enough so much that I genuinely think that friends would think I'm a pain in the arse...

"I only eat.."

the only answer to that is 'if you have particular tastes, feel free to buy and bring your own as we will be catering to the group"

Hissy - I'm sure my friends do think I too am a PITA but then so can they be at times . That's the beauty of it , sharing the good times supporting through the bad.

hissy have you read Mothers Who Can't Love? (susan Forward). Im reading it atm and it's very good.

First Christmas in 4 years without ex. Feeling quite sad my daughter will never remember us having an Christmas together as a family. Last year we spent Christmas just the three of us and it was a lovely day... I know he won't care so just got get on with it.

Hissy - how can you not be good enough? I've read your posts for years and thought how insightful, helpful and gentle you are, but only recently realised your backstory. As Pausing said - I'm sure everyone can be a PITA at times, but that doesn't stop us loving them!

Rebecca - a family it not just mum and dad and dc. It can be whatever you make it. As someone said upthread - my family (other than my mum) are my friends - they are in place of my toxic sister, disinterested and selfish father, and absent, disinterested brother. I hope your dd will remember Christmas as a time of peace and love and fun with just you 2.

Christmas-but sometimes I pity the Americans who also have thanksgiving to deal with.

My stbexdh is arriving from overseas. He won't say when. he is going to be a nightmare but he isn't staying with us. Just expects to be with us all the time. this is my second christmas without my dm and my df passed away Christmas Day a few years ago. I don't have other family apart from a niece who is much younger and will be working and doesn't live near me.

Of the two rl friends who supported me through this last year, one will be moving abroad for good over the next few weeks and the other has decided they can't support me over Xmas at all and will be nc until jan. When they are happy to come back and help and yet again be there for me.

I have some new friends but I'm still upset.

hissy I'm a flake, my friends KNOW I'm a flake. I don't do it on purpose and there is no malice in it. I sometimes cock up on a monumental scale. So do they.
I understand and forgive them when they do it and they do the same for me. We are all flakes, some more than others. Sometimes it happens when nobody wants it to and it's a pita. But then sometimes they do it to me and it's a pita.
If a person was only ever a flake then it would be different. My friends know I hate being late so tell me the right time but tell Mr Tigga half an hour earlier so we'll be on time. Sometimes even that isn't enough!
You forgive and move on unless someone is taking the piss.
It's the toxics who have taught us that fucking up is unforgivable, it isn't.
It's human.
I have a friend with 3 food allergies which make it nearly impossible to eat out, so for her we cook or just go out for a drink.
I have another friend who doesn't drink at all and hates bars, so for her we cook or go for a meal. It doesn't make them a pita.
You know what makes someone a pita? Being a fun sponge or being toxic. You are neither!

lavendar and Rebecca invite someone for the day who you know will be spending it on their own. They don't have to be amazing friends they just have to be fun.

lavendar if stbexh turns up give him a christmas card with a ticket in it to the far side of fuck and close the door. You are NOT there at his beck and call anymore. He stopped being able to have input the day he went.

I am unforgiving. I know this, but the people who who seem to think they can unforgivable things are those immediatley related to me.

no friends have done things like that to me.

i've maintained that -surely I family is held to higher standards than supposed mere aquaintances/friends/nonrelations...

Yes Hissy they are, but they are also the ones taking the piss. There is a difference between forgiving a bit of fuckwittery and taking the abuse our families give us. It's not that we hold them to a higher standard they should fucking love us and not want to hurt us. We take it because we are supposed to love them no matter what, this is total bullshit. We are conditioned by both society to love our family no matter what:

'But s/he is your father/mother/brother/sister and you only get one!'*

Through to patriarchal bollocks of not losing our temper because it's unladylike.

We're screwed. We can - not easily - break the conditioning. Just saying no once, do you know what that means if you stop them from doing something once? Imagine all the pressure and conditioning that went into mummifying you into doing what they want. You were strong enough to break through all of that and it's not bandages they bind us with it's chains. Bloody hell, just wanting to break them makes you stronger than they are. You recognise the chains, what they mean and how they force you into a pattern of behavior, you want to (or are) breaking them link by link. I stand in awe of every single one of us who is going through or has been this. Honestly, I don't think there is anything any of us can't do.

We are the survivors of those who should love us but are toxic HEAR US ROAR!

I have managed to forgive my toxics, I have NOT forgotten what they have done. I will never trust them. For me holding onto the anger was definitely like drinking poison and hoping the other person died of it. I had to let go of it to get well. This will not be the same for all of us, if it was, we'd have found the solution to getting better from this ages ago and be able to just get on with it.

FeelingParticularlyRoaryTodayTiggaxx

*Thank the goddess or we'd be truly screwed.

PS that may or may not make sense, I'm feeling very oatsy today

My dad had the 'but she's your mother, the only one you have' on Sunday.

"Yes, I said, but it's not good enough. a mother worth the title doesn't do what she has done, and done and done and remain close to those she's shafted.

I don't have a mother. I'm on my own."

Hissy I don't think forgiveness is obligatory - and I don't think anyone can really decide to forgive. In some cases, all you can do is decide not to go back for more unforgivable stuff to be meted out. And not to dwell on this stuff except in small doses - like on here.

Didn't you used to come onto the EA thread and issue tickets for the Farside of Fuck? Easier to do with an ex than with one's family though.

Indeed i did! he was the warm up act...

when he went their true sides came out, that was the beginning of it all. it's relentless.

I do question myself, regularly. the accident this year helped illuminate that it really wasn't me though. they really do only all think of themselves and the shit they pull individually is astounding.

I got really good at thinking 'REALLY???' in my head and managing to keep my eyebrows on planet earth at the same time. No mean feat with my lot.
ho hum.

Forgiveness is overrated. If someone treats you like shit they need to adapt their behaviour, not make you feel guilty for not being able to let go of it.

Hissy your Dad should be saying "yes it's awful what happened, don't worry about not coming, she'll never learn if we keep pandering to her", NOT laying the guilt onto you.