A Challenging Family Christmas? Make yourself at home here

[Hissy]

While some have the christmas experiences shown in the adverts, others are starting to feel the impending doom of family festivities.

For some the pressure may have already started to build and this is a thread to support anyone who identifies with this sentiment.

This is a thread for you to come and just be, come and talk to us about it, we'll hear you and listen and understand.

Ongoing support for those of us with Problem Families, or family dynamics that make us feel sad/bad/mad is available as ever on the Stately Homes Thread

Marking my place on this thread as I have a feeling I'll be needing it as Christmas draws nearer.
So sorry to hear of everybody's sadness at this time of year. I actually love Christmas, and am looking forward to it as it will just be me, the children and my grandson, but my narc mother is sure to send me a hefty dose of guilt to see me through the season.

x

My Christmas problems are probably different to most of you. My DM has been coming to my house for 28 years & this year she has been invited to my DB's house, woohoo, except for the fact that he is a card carrying sociopath with designs on her money. By the time Christmas Day is over I expect to have been disinherited!

Great idea for a thread. My story is that after a difficult 2 years and outrageous behaviour from my Dm this summer I have gone NC. She has decided in her inifinte wisdom that it is better to emigrate than apologise for her behaviour. She left today. But at least this time I won't have to hear about how she only came for Christmas lunch because she only had a tin of beans in the house. lying old bitch

This is my first post, but it struck a chord.

This Christmas will be the first one since I found out about the extent of my husbands infidelity, and made the decision to stay. I have the support of my family and friends, but am still very anxious about being sad at Christmas at the thought of what has happened. Really wanting able to move forward, as I used to really love Christmas, and look forward to it, but feel the need to have a year going through every special occasion and anniversary/birthday, just to get used to them in their new context.

My thoughts go out to all of you who are having concerns about the festive season. May the reality turn out to be less distressing than the anticipation of it.

Lucysmum there's no doubt that the 'first' of everything will cause mixed emotions, but if you understand and expect this, knowing too that it'll pass and you'll get through to the otherside of it, it'll be ok.

whatever happens, you will be ok.

I don't know if it would help you to remind yourself that the truth is always preferable than lies, and at least now you have that all engulfing shock of discovery out of the way, you won't have to feel that again, everything from here on in won't be as goddawful as that.

try and do things differently to how you did them before? my dm took us all to NYC to spend christmas the first year after dad'd left (for ow) it helped. if there's a way you can break the norm, it might help you feel stronger and more in control.

Thanks Hissy - good advice.

It's difficult to remember sometimes that I am the strong powerful one who has demonstrated courage and hope, instead of the wobbly wreck I can be!

The reason that the post struck a chord is that I loved Christmas....really loved it. I would be the one listening to Christmas music in the car in October, planning presents and just really being jolly. Now I see Christmas lights on in the towns, and I feel empty and I miss that glow of the season. Now I just think of the previous four Christmases when I thought my world was together and that my family was happy, and I was just deluded. What scares me is that either I will curl into a ball and not want to face it, or that I will glide through it, giving the impression of normality, while feeling churned up inside. I've never been good at being angry, ever.

Not sure what I want, to achieve here. I just wanted to say I feel sad.

my love, anger is your right. you have a right to anger, and it must be expressed, slowly, carefully, and then let go.

if curling into a ball works, curl away. no-one that's worth a damn will judge you for a second.

maybe gliding through it is too high a bar for yourself.

somewhere in the middle of these 2 scenarios will be the reality.

just do the best you can for yourself and your family (children?) the rest will sort itself out.

it's going to be ok sweety, it really will.

gah! self, not yourself.

gah gah! YOU not yourself!

Oh Leaking what a tough year for you. I still miss my mum every Christmas day but lucky to still have DP around. Hope that doing things for the DC will get you through . Will you be with family/ friends?

My DM manages to spoil every Christmas she comes to stay. It's nothing major but just the fact that all she does is moan, whinge and complain (all the time!) about everything. I find it exhausting. I try to ignore it and smile serenely as it's really not worth the upset if I challenge her. In the meantime inside I'm shouting "FFS shut up". She lives a long way from us so happily for the rest of the year I don't have to put up with it that much. My mantra is "I'm not responsible for your happiness" as she has been like this my whole life. Learning not to live with FOG.

Any good phrases I could use or should I just continue to talk the dog out for a walk when it gets too much (he eventually refuses to get out of bed!)?

I have two children - aged 11 and 16, who are fabulous and have been kept unaware of what's happened. It is a source of pride to me that I have kept this from them, as the truth of it would be very damaging to harm. My son (eldest) has had a rocky relationship with his dad, which is now improving greatly, and my daughter dotes on him and always has.

My Mum and auntie will be with us on Christmas Day, which will be fine. My mum is a star, who knows what has happened, and still continues to be able to support me and be polite and sociable with my husband. I'm not sure if my auntie knows, but probably would be my guess.

On Boxing Day, my MIL arrives. She has always been difficult - very high maintenance (could take some tips here!) and here is the worry. She knows what has happened, but she met my husband with the OW on two separate occasions, all the while knowing that as far as I was concerned, things were ok (not great, but ok). She maintains that she thought we weren't together (rubbish) and that the meetings were outside her control, I.e. He sprung them on her. He did tell her that the relationship with the OW ended two years ago, when I found out for the second time, so he has had to tell her that he has lied to her, and she is naturally devastated - almost more than I am. It has taken me four months to even speak to her - I blamed her, because it was easier than blaming him. Her coming to stay will result in having to discuss it all over again, with her looking for reassurance from me that I don't blame her, and that she did nothing wrong, and how it has destroyed her and my relationship. I don't have enough resources for this reassurance, so the visit will be fraught and emotional.

We are going on holiday to the snow on the 3rd (another cause for worry - I am the least proficient skier in the family, leading to lack of self esteem and confidence, plus he went skiing with her at least twice over the last few years, and she was probably awesome - grrrr)

It feels wrong to complain. I have made a choice and must live with the choice I have made. I am sure it will ease, just need to get through a period of time, which I think might be a year, before being able to feel straight.

Feel like I'm wallowing/ranting, but just needed to get it off my chest.

Thanks everyone for your concern and words of support. We are spending the day at my sister's. She wanted to stay with me xmas eve but I'd rather be on my own in the morning because I know I'm going to be struggling and don't want to fall apart in front of anyone.

Not sending any cards because I can't bear to not put dhs name on them. Donating to charity instead.

We should be planning our annual day out to see the markets and hit the shops, having a boozy lunch and getting in the xmas spirit. I should be planning our meal, buying daft decorations and persuading him to wrap all the presents because he was so much better than me.

He would make pancakes xmas morning and we would all sit in the kitchen in our new pjs eating and drinking bubbly. I miss him so much. Sorry for the ramble x

lucysmum i'd disinvite the MIL for a start. not this year. it's too much.

she can spend it with the son she did such a 'great' job of raising.

I also think you were wrong not to tell your children the truth. you shouldn't keep your exH dirty secret.

your children could use that information to protect themselves from similar in the future.

or the alternative is that they blame you for making daddy go away..

then they find out the truth, which WILL happen, and realise that you lied to them.

if this happens in the next couple of years. as your son is in the midst of puberty, you might have a whole can of worms opened.

sit your children down and calmly and safely tell them the (age appropriate) truth. answer their questions truthfully.

cancel mil. seriously. she'll ruin any chance of a happy christmas.

put her off until you're stronger, and perhaps when she has a chance to realise how much she's betrayed you anf your children, just as her cheating son did.

she did do you wrong lucysmum she absolutely did.

your h chose to lie and cheat on you, she chose to back him and encourage (somehow) the end of your family!

she's pressuring you to make what she did ok.

sorry, but I can't see how it ever was, or is ok to turn the other cheek. TWICE he took her to his mother's.

once would have been enough of a flea in his ear, and hers tbh if that were me, i'd have made bloody sure there was no doubt whatsoever that his ow was never to darken my door.

she doesn't think you're worth respecting enough, she's not scared of losing contact with her gc and she thinks you got 'nothin'.

cancel her. let her think what she likes, tell her that H and (c)OW will doubtless be delighted to have her stay.

Lucysmum

The saying "pride comes before a fall" is apt here.

I would also disinvite MIL as well, no good will come of it.

You made a choice but its not a choice that you blindly have to stick to and you can change your mind.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what do you think they are learning here?.

I am also certain that both your children are far more aware of how life at home really is than you perhaps want to realise as well. It is a mistake to my mind not telling them the age appropriate truth of your situation. It may hurt them but covering up for someone else's hurt caused to you will pain them even more and will follow them into their own adult relationships.

you must send a message that infidelity is unacceptable to you and your family. have just realised it's your youngrst that's the dd.

she dotes on a cheat. she'll grow up thinking what he does is what men do.

what happens when she gets cheated on? NOW is the time that she needs to learn that people do bad things, and we don't have to allow it. show her what a strong woman looks like. show your son what a strong woman expects from a man, and what happens when he choses to throw his marriage/family under the bus.

my ex is/was abusive. I felt it imperative to show him that being nasty and controlling means you lose the right to a family. It would kill me to see my son repeating what his dad did/does.

think very carefully about the lessons you are teaching your children.

I meant show him = show ds/my son)

Ouch! Well I guess I deserved that. I made the judgment that I was protecting my children. I think it is possible to teach life lessons and decency without destroying their childhoods and their closest relationships.

My son has a no tolerance policy with his girlfriends with regard to betrayals of trust. There is no room for error, in fact. Any indication that a girlfriend believes her friends and not him, when he is blameless, is met with an end to the relationship. If anything, he may need to learn tolerance as he matures, but me talking to him about his dad's infidelity will only harden his stance, and remove a parent from him.

I stand by what I've done. It's not easy, and I know I can change my mind if things get more difficult. My h is contrite and apologetic and present in our lives in a way he has not been for a long time. I have to acknowledge that and work with what I have.

I do appreciate your advice and comments, and know that you have my best interests at heart. It's just that I know me, and my life, and I have to do what's right for me.

Thanks for this thread, sorry so many of us have need of it.
I will struggle this Christmas too, time with my family involves passive aggressive sniping, and them all being 'too tired' to cook and disappearing to nap or read a book, leaving me alone for half the day cooking (if they asked me I would cook happily, but my way in my kitchen, with champagne and people around)
My fiance has a wonderful family, who really come together at Christmas, which has made me realise how crap my own are. It hurts. Especially as my mum never misses an opportunity to say in a voice like a petulant toddler 'but you like them more than us'
We are going away this year to a big in laws family thing, but obviously this has caused the mother of all dramas.
Added to that I have recently diagnosed health issues so will probably be in pain, and we are struggling with infertility at the moment. I really love Christmas, and want to enjoy it, but I am dreading it.

That's fair enough, love. But don't forget that you can change your mind at any time about any of this. You are not beholden to anyone and it is not your job to fix everything at the detriment to yourself.
Also, seriously...uninvite MIL. She's a bitch and you don't need that now.

YOU didn't destroy their childhoods, remember this? you're the glue that keeps your family together.

you were the one that stayed withthem, that was there for them.

don't protect your H. i'm convinced your ds knows, why else would he hold such views so young.

there's no ouch needed, this was not admonishment, but views with a different perspective, and more distance than you (understandably) have. you made the decision based on what you thought was right, but perhpas aren't looking at your children as adults-to-be. you can't protect them from the truth.

please cancel MIL. you're not ready for her this year. any hope of you getting through this without curling into a ball will diminsh the second her betrayal and poison enters your home.

next year will be easier. this year is way too soon. you'll need this space to yourself this year.

given your comments on your son.. how do you think it's going to go when he finds out you lied to him.

this is such a dangerous situation. he could 'lose' both parents.

your sons relationship with his father is his father's responsiblility. seriously.

you can only be the mother to him that her deserves

Oh, Glabella, when they say they're tired and going for a nap, say, "Oh that's a good idea, we're dead tired too" and go up to your room with your fiancé and a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates and watch a film on your laptop.

Then come downstairs and see what's happening to dinner.

Do you have to stay with them?