A Challenging Family Christmas? Make yourself at home here

[Hissy]

While some have the christmas experiences shown in the adverts, others are starting to feel the impending doom of family festivities.

For some the pressure may have already started to build and this is a thread to support anyone who identifies with this sentiment.

This is a thread for you to come and just be, come and talk to us about it, we'll hear you and listen and understand.

Ongoing support for those of us with Problem Families, or family dynamics that make us feel sad/bad/mad is available as ever on the Stately Homes Thread

My parents have been divorced for decades, he hasn't spoken to her.

I did say, I always wonder why you don't talk to the person who has actually done the crap thing in the first place before you try to talk me into STFU and just brushing it off as if it weren't a truly shitty thing to do to a person.

He then said, well i don't actually know what exactly happened, I knew she was moving and I hadn't spoken to her... I said yes I know, but she deliberately didn't tell me where she was going, when she spoke openly about it to others, and didn't contact me for 2 weeks or give me any details of where she was for 3 weeks.
That's not normal.

The police issue was what tipped it, terrifying my DS and not taking any responsibility for it, even when asked was the utter game changer.

I genuinely don't understand how anyone wouldn't be at least a bit sympathetic... to them I really am that unworthy eh?

I do worry sometimes, do others look at me and think, it must be her, as it can't be all them..

I had the mad couple of days at the hospital and when I told my friends they were horrified, but it hurts to even have to check on this insanity...

You sound as though you are still very embroiled in it, not nearly detached enough. Sometimes you just have to walk away from all of them and play the long game. The truth usually comes out in the end.

I don't understand either, hissy. Or why people say 'surely it wasn't that bad?' when actually it was fucking worse but you haven't talked about the really bad stuff.

It's very lonely, I find. Family are a very big part of life, not being able to talk about them in passing because it's mostly too awful puts a big chasm in your life.

Oh Hissy. That sucks.

I took a stand this year. I have a sister whose treatment of me is jaw on the floor material. I last saw her at my mother's 70th where she did not speak to me at all, apart from screaming at me to get out of a photo. She was taking a photo of my ma on her own and I was bringing out the cakes I had spent two days working on. It's been relentless boring years of abuse from her.

I emailed my parents and said, year from hell (and it has been) I can't sit there while she interrupts every conversation I have as if I am not talking, is rude to my kids and is generally a cowbag. Her kids are lovely, high achieving, and mine are lovely, and have severe disabilities. She's been in a position to help me in her professional role and never has. She once told me that she thinks it is a shame that I have disability funding as so many other families actually need and deserve it.

My parents are fine with it, say they are relieved to talk about it and we will do a Xmas lunch together. It was amazing to be honest and to be heard. I've done the hard yards for them but no more.

to all you with actively toxic (rather than just hard work, like mine) family.

I had my work Christmas do yesterday, so much inane chatter. I got quite good at the whole "yeah, my family dynamics are non-trivial" thing, without oversharing or telling anyone to fuck off. Thank you all for your tips and support!

Hissy they are fucked up beyond belief. They are so screwed they don't even know they are screwed. They have no empathy or sympathy because they are low level sociopaths in a normal human suit. It's the only way my councillor - amazing woman - was able to explain their lack of everything warm and human and how they managed to convince some other people that they were nice. She also wanted to do a paper on them but, being sociopaths, they would be oblivious to the fact there were issues so they would never sign up and if they did would think they were in the control group! She said it's like their emotional development stopped at the Kevin stage but they put the normal human suit on as they become adult so they can function in society undetected.

It helps me to think of them as low level sociopaths that way I don't ever expect them to do anything remotely human or be anything except self serving.

It's not that you're unworthy to them, it's that EVERYONE is unworthy to them unless they have something they can take. Be it love or something else that fills their requirements.

My breakthrough moment was when I realised that I was a vessel to fill their needs after that it became much easier to say no and to deal with the fall out. Easier, not easy.

You are worthy Hissy, for everything you are. You are worth cherishing and loving. You're advice is fabulous, your support is invaluable. These are things you give of yourself freely and I have so much respect for you. You are brilliant. I'm a stranger on the internet, if I can see these qualities in your posts in person you must be AWESOME!

Your parents are intolerable wankbadgers.

It'sNotEasyEverTiggaxx

Hissy and DawnTigga - you are both amazing people, and those in your lives who mistreat you and don't see how much they are missing out on, through their bad behaviour towards you - they are the losers, and are, as you so wisely say, Tigga, wankbadgers.

I have a huge lump in my throat, reading your recent posts - I wish I knew you in real life and could give you the huge hug I want to offer.

Tigga - I don't think I have ever said this before, but I am always happy to see your posts on here - I love your advice, your humour, your wisdom - and I love your signatures too - you always make me smile, just with those alone.

WillkommenBienvenue Fair comment, I think this time of year is the hardest. I have no contact with my DF really. he texted to ask about DS birthday /christmas - with the comment 'hope you and DS are OK as you have not been in touch for a while'

Erm, yeah. I WAS in touch, invited you to come and see DS, you came back to me the day before the supposed visit to say you couldn't.

Undaunted I invited you to watch the team YOU follow play the team we got to watch, a good few weeks in advance. You ummed and arred, saying you'd come back to me about it when I got back off holiday. you didn't. We went, your team got nailed 4-0, manager sacked the next day

so no, I have not been 'in touch'...

i did reply to him at the time, I didn't get in touch as i thought you weren't bothered. he didn't reply or respond to that. I got a text 3 weeks later to arrange to see DS on his birthday last weekend.

So yes, Could definitely do better on the detachment front, but this time of year is when they all come out and it's harder than at any other time.

Thanks Dawn that's so very kind of you to say. I just wish RL reflected what i apparently deserve. I do know I'm a good person, i just wish i could really believe it.

Feeling a little bruised especially today as the guy I have been messaging for weeks (lives abroad) came over this week, and I think that's blown up in my face too. I might be wrong, but my instincts are telling me that it's going to go south...

onwards and onwards....

I'm just so very tired of failing.

I'm just so very tired of failing.

I have to say that I have ALWAYS loved DawnTigga and was so sad to see that she too had crappy family issues. Really don't deserve it.

Not that anyone does, of course.

Is it just me that thinks how much easier life would be if WE could be wankbadgers too? then none of this stuff would matter, we'd be like them, so we'd not come in for the attacks we get.

{{{hugs}}} Hissy xxx

Absolutely Hissy it would be so much easier if we were selfish arses too.

You've not failed, they have failed and let you down. Focus on the good people, you shouldn't have to press your family to see you. It's the season to be jolly not feel rejected and let down.

Low level sociopath that puts on a normal human suit as they become an adult just so they can function undetected in society - dawntigga have you met my half brother?

For the first time in 30 years my DM is not coming to us on Xmas day, she is going to brother (see above). As she doesn't drive & we live some distance away this means we get to spend the day at home & not ferrying her back & to for a change, or do we? Knuckledragging idiot brother is now playing the "ill" card, there is nothing wrong with him but both he & DM use illness as a kind of weapon to get their own way. So we all have to wait & see whether he will be "well" enough to have her for Xmas lunch. Give me strength

You've not failed, they have failed and let you down

and they are as happy as larry and I am not.

Holdthefrontpage ignore them, let them sort it out among themselves. carry on doing your thing

I shall stop the self pity in a while... promise.

may need a bottle of vino....

Joining this thread a bit late but in a nutshell,

My parents have never really gotten on, my mum is pretty happy and bubbly all the time but my dad is a miserable git. They’ve split up various times throughout my life and are now only really together out of habit!

Anyway, we have no family in the UK now apart from our immediate family so Christmas for the past 6 years has been just myself, mum, dad and my brother, however for the past 3 years it has only been myself, Dad and Mum because my brother has a child with his Fiancé and they go to her parents Christmas day and come to us for Boxing day.

Anyway, Christmas day will be spent with all of us forcing smiles and trying to be cheery and ‘spending time together’ when in fact, we don’t really like each other (with the exception of my mum and I)

The only plus being I can slob out on the sofa on Christmas Day and eat chocolate, drink wine and not feel too guilty about it!

Boxing day will be absolutely awful, because EVERYONE in my household is obsessed with my nephew (I am REALLY not into children) and all they’ll do is bang on about him ALL bloody day and every single iota and second of our attention MUST be spent on him, watching him, laughing at him, exclaiming how brilliant he is at every available opportunity. I cannot wait for it all to be over.

I can totally see how, if you have a big family and love Christmas it would be a lovely day, I have a big, lovely family in Dublin and whenever we go over to there for Christmas it is brilliant, but Christmas’s in England are just awful.

MerryMo I think your dad was very rude to tell you straight away that he had put the phone on speaker so you have nothing to apologise for. I hope the house move goes smoothly.

for every one on this thread who is not looking forward to christmas especially the posters whose who have lost loved ones.

Another one late to the thread.

I usually enjoy Christmas Day which we usually spend with my family. A couple of months ago H and I had a falling out which escalated so that too many members of my family now know (to their surprise) that my marriage is not good.

DD had already invited the whole family (me, H, DS, my parents, brothers and one brother's gf) to Christmas with her and her DBF and we were all planning to go. A few weeks after the above incident, my mother rang me to say they had all decided not to go to DD's after all. DD then withdrew the invitation to the rest of us and said she was going to spend Christmas with her DBF's family. Naturally I was very upset.

We have been invited to my parents' for Christmas lunch but I know H does not want to go. I have told the family that I will see them on Christmas Day but it might be later in the afternoon rather than for lunch.

Boxing Day is always crap -it is H's birthday and centres around him - in a bad way - won't go into detail right now, too long.

I am dreading it. And I work for an employer who have kindly closed the whole place down from Christmas Eve until January 5th. H has already finished work for Christmas.

H has not spoken to my family at all since the incident. He refused to go to a family meal at my brother's. The following week he saw my mother at a bus stop and pulled up to offer her a lift in the car. She ignored him.

DS and DD are both still angry with H, and the rest of my family are staying away. My mother does not know how to deal with my situation.

I normally love Christmas but this year I am dreading it.

sounds like your mother is fanning the flames love! why is she refusing your dd's invitation, what's that for?

there seemed to be no need for that.

if there was a shit fest between you and your H, why is your family even getting involved? why is your h boycotting your family? how is that going to help?

and why, if your dm snubbed your own dd are you considering going there for christmas?

i'd suggest you tell your dm she's making things worse, tell your h to stop making things difficult for you, apologise to your dd and ds for this mess, and host your own christmas.

i'd also suggest that he rein it in a bit on the birthday, or organise it himself as it's hard being expected to spin this many plates when most of the other players here seem intent to scupper you at every turn.

what's sad here is that no-one seems to be asking you how you are in all this, and what they can do to help in what are, clearly difficult circumstances.

You are right, Hissy, I do feel very lonely in all this.

DD lives 3 hours' drive away, and going to hers for Christmas will involve an overnight stay (she does have room for all of us, but it would be tight). My mother wasn't keen when it was first mentioned but my DBro was, and persuaded her. I don't know whose idea it was to not go after all. Unfortunately most of my family got to hear about the shit between H and me. I have been offered practical help if I decide to end my marriage (which is still a possibility), but, as it turns out, there does not seem to be any support for me if I continue with it. I think things will improve in time, but it is taking far longer to start to improve than I thought it would.

I'm considering going to my family as I think Christmas will be miserable if it is just H, DS and I. DS will be wishing he is somewhere else. I will try to make the best of it but it will be such a contrast to how it was going to be. I have asked H directly what he would like to do for Christmas but he does not reply! I am going to buy a Christmas dinner and have it in the freezer and decide next week which day I will do it.

I actually said to DS this evening that I hope no-one dies before things get better.

Thanks for replying.

::Blushes::

Hissy, I was an intolerable wankbadger through learned behaviour. I was miserable though. Not being a low level sociopath meant that the injury and pain I inflicted on other sat on my soul and hurt me more than I hurt others. Something really shit happened to me, I survived and decided that you're a long time looking at the lid. I wasn't going to be miserable any more. The horrid thing got me councilling. The counselling got me well, that took 5 years but there was a lot to unravel. I avoid trigger people because they bring out the worse in me. Trust me the worse is pretty fucking horrible. I apologised to everyone I could find that I was toxic to, including the exh (fuckwit that he is whole other story). I expected nothing from apologising and it was up to the other person to accept it or reject it. Some did, some didn't. I lost over 20 years of my life to being toxic. I'd do nearly anything to get them back and be well in them. That's why I believe that toxics are low level sociopaths.

You know you haven't failed. Things don't work out for people who aren't having to deal with additional shit in their lives. Because they don't have the additional stuff they bounce back quicker and because they haven't had a lifetime of feeling they don't measure up they don't internalise things the same way we do. You really are a fab person! I have excellent taste you know

SDTG every time I read your name I think, that's who it is the wolef

OnTheParapet you know your h is being a passive aggresive shit don't you? Not answering you? HE'S A GROWN UP! What do you want to do for Xmas?

CurrentlyWrappingPresentsTiggaxx

Oh crap, it's started....

I posted saying how were going away for Xmas with my controlling IL'S & my DH's sibling/family.

I have lost both my parents.

I was being optimistic that all would be well, that they would behave and just go with the flow of Xmas , respect that it wasn't all about them etc. accept we were all going to be in the same property so having a good Christmas without controversy.

I'm doubting that now.

One of my kids has been ill, off school this week. At the age where they could be left alone but nice that if they weren't . (I'm trying to be a bit vague as I believe my SIL uses this site too.)
Yesterday, my work finished early but after it was straight to a whole company Xmas staff lunch.

My IL's were sitting with my child ( arranged not with me but my Dh, who said not all day needed but a chunk would be nice. )

I return home, say hello as I walk in ,only my child answers. Put my stuff down and go into the room where DC & PIL are.
FIL ' I thought you finished at xxpm - where have you been' ? In not a nice tone.
'Excuse me?' Was my reply
He repeated himself.
From there it went downhill as I stood up for myself, whilst he spoke to me like a naughty child. All this in front of my child. They were gone within 5 minutes of me arriving home- before 2.00 yesterday afternoon.

I told Dh last night who looked crestfallen. I said that I was very angry that I had walked into my own home and been told off like a child in front of my own child. I am also not prepared to just ignore that kind of shit and not react whilst we are away so I hoped they could find some respect......

So, we haven't spoken since- no air has been cleared and I'm just about to jump in the car for a week away with them.

Not looking good is it ......