A Challenging Family Christmas? Make yourself at home here

[Hissy]

While some have the christmas experiences shown in the adverts, others are starting to feel the impending doom of family festivities.

For some the pressure may have already started to build and this is a thread to support anyone who identifies with this sentiment.

This is a thread for you to come and just be, come and talk to us about it, we'll hear you and listen and understand.

Ongoing support for those of us with Problem Families, or family dynamics that make us feel sad/bad/mad is available as ever on the Stately Homes Thread

dawntigga

she doesn't respect rules, also because she is sooo passive aggressive, nothing she says/does is immediately crossing any boundaries. she sets up scenarios so that things just unravel so she is at a point of 'revelation' when I'm at breaking point.

she is clever enough to set traps for me to fall into and I'm clumsy enough to fall into them because I never plan on her new having a new devious plot.

For example: I'll make xmas dinner and the family will come. Her 2 second question about grocery shopping habits turns into a full blown conversation about our finances.

Seemingly Innocent question from Mil: oh, lovely tender turkey--did you buy it from Fortnum and Mason last tuesday at 4pm?

Then, when DH and I ask her not to go into detail about our fincnaces at Xmas dinner, she says she has lost her appetite (despite ALREADY binning her plate) and asks if she can use our computer to check her email.

We can't say no. She then starts trying to log in to our bank accounts.

You know you can actually say no, there are ways to have 'issues' with the wi-fi over Xmas, it could, for example, stop working about 1700 Xmas Eve then spontaneously start working when she's gone.

Other ways of coping are changing the subject.
Yes, isn't the turkey lovely and how have you been you passive aggressive old bag ? Did you know DS/DD has achieved x, y or z this year we're very proud. What do you think woman with no boundaries grandma?
How's such and such a person?
Or you could turn the tables and when she asks about finances you can pretend you haven't heard her. When she says did you hear, you can say no. It's evil but then I think she's made her bed.

EvilISAGiftTiggaxx

she does what?

tell her that your shopping bills are none of her concern, your banking neither, and for her info you STILL have more than enouugh money to call her a cab to take her home.

stop allowing this! seriously!

next year you'll be busy. doing something just 'en famille'

get the old witch a ready meal turkey dinner.

say you've economised, and seeing as she bins your perfectly delicious food, you thought she could bin the cheap stuff.

called killing 3 old birds at the same time...

Oh, the dinner is just an example. Dinner was just an example. She will snoop to the highest and the lowest of points as long as she can devise a way to start talking.

If it's not the turkey, it'll be the paint of the wall--if it's not that it'll be the plaque on my teeth. Her goal may not always be money, but it will be to find out information that is quite personal...my sisters dating life (for which she then pushes my sil to try to date the SAME GUYS) who my friends are (whom she then tries to get my other inlaws to befriend ) ...she is devious, her cunning knows NO bounds. At all, sometimes it can be a familial effort. It is weird.

I can't even explain how treacherous it all is because I sound crazy. Very crazy. SOOOO CRAZY. If someone said this stuff to me, I would think to myself "no, no, this person is embellishing the truth."

I do keep thinking about not entertaining for Xmas this year, but I fear if I tell my DH I don't want to see his family I will come off as controlling.

I am fearful of creating conflict between my dh and his family because I have seen how that can be abusive. He loves his family, he does object to bad treatment but we're both out of our bounds when they start to get their claws out. I don't want to limit his exposure to his mother. She already avoids us as much as she can. (Not my doing--but I am very pleased about this).

She often pretends that she wants to see us far far more than she does and says she works too much and too hard to spare her time because she is physically exhausted...the truth is, she has a cousins niece that that lives one street away from us and she visits/stays over there to babysit and hangs out over there quite a lot. (2-3 evenings a week). I believe she resents us for her having to spend Xmas with us (because I'm sure she is only doing it for appearances sake).

You need to wake up to the fact that you are dealing with someone who is NOT like you, and not playing by normal rules.

You have to shut down conversations, refuse to engage. be bald and outright about it if you need to.

No MIL, we don't need to talk about paint colours/dinner/the way the wind blows, we're happy with our choices and don't need to share them or get permission from anyone.

No, I appreciate you feel entitled to comment on our lives, but really, you really aren't.

My sister's dating is her business, I'm not going to discuss it with you.

We've been here before MIL, it ended badly, let's stick to you and your business shall we?

You need to talk to your DH. chances are he feels the same.

if he wants to limit his exposure to her, let him. likewise any DC you have. make sure that on every level possible, you need to fail to support any contact with her whatsoever.

stop hosting christmas. say that you are going to have a quiet one or a year off and that you have hosted enough and it's time to let someone else have a turn. mean it.

We can't say no

You absolutely CAN.

No MIL, you have abused this trust in the past, you can check your email at your home when you go home. TAXI!

One really good thing for me is that DH and I agree about our parents.

We agree what they are like, and especially what it is that they do that is irritating / selfish / odd etc. Which isn't to say we are equally irritated by things, but we each recognise what the other is wound up by. And neither of us will put up with the other being mistreated.

We can therefore present a completely united front, manage the situation reasonably well before the event, and bail each other out if it comes to it.

So, yes. Talk to your DH. Recognise that you don't have to be upset at the same things, but that you do need to understand what makes each other upset and (together) work out how to avoid those things.

hissy you are right. We can say no. I am happy to say just that...

except...and this is where I feel like a foolish dick.

I just don't want to ban her or object to her visits because we already have such minimal contact. If this happened everyday and her attacks were more sustained, then my DH would have lost the plot with her anyway and would have just admitted she was a problem and written her off.

Right now, we are just facing 3-6 visits a year where she says all sorts of bullshit, creates drama and then we don't have to deal with her. If we escalated anything, we would end up having to deal with more of that side of the family with more of their meandering pesky claws and it would suck forever.

let her go NC. it will help you all in the long run.

Are you the one pushing for contact? or is this something you support your OH in?

If the former.... then he is trying to protect himself and you all, but you are applying normal person logic and as a result allowing yourself and your nearest and dearest to come to considerable harm.

you can't live a normal life, or have a normal relationship with a narcissist.

You don't need to escalate anything, just refuse to be dragged in.

Tell any hangers on/winged monkeys to FTFO and leave you alone. change numbers if you need to.

Stop allowing them to emotionally terrorise you.

Let the contact drift. no big exits, no showdowns just let it all go.

Her behaviour is not just "weird"; its dysfunctional. His mother has neither a filter and any sense of boundaries. Its not your fault or his she is this way (her own family of origin was likely the same themselves).

You feel like a foolish dick also because you want to play by the "normal" rules of familial relations. Unfortunately people like your DHs mother do not ever play by the rules and infact the rule book gets thrown out when it comes to such dysfunctional relations like she.

Minimal contact is already too stressful for you and your DH to at all manage. #

Re this comment:-
"I do keep thinking about not entertaining for Xmas this year, but I fear if I tell my DH I don't want to see his family I will come off as controlling"

You likely think the above because you are an emotionally healthy person and you want to be and play nice. His mother is clearly not at all emotionally healthy so should be avoided really at all costs. If she cannot or will not behave she does not get to see any of you. I think actually your DH would be somewhat relieved if you did not host Christmas with his mad as a box of frogs mother this year. Back each other up on this. You would also not tolerate any of this from one of your own friends, his mother is truly no different.

And as for any relatives who poke their nose in, such flying monkeys can and should be ignored as well.

tis the season for flying monkeys..fa la la la la, la la la laaaah

christmas definitely is a narcs playground.

'because it's faaaammmmily...'

we can get through this, we don't have to put up with any shit

It will be over in just two weeks.

Gonna be a bit of a struggle this year, XH left two months ago after finally admitting to six month affair with someone I thought was a friend. 28 years together, 2 sons, 23 and 19 at home, he has just moved in with her 300 yards away from our family home. Haven't bought a thing yet , my heart just isn't in it , but I know I will have to make a big effort for my boys sake, we will probably have a better time without him there anyway, Christmas is a family time and at least we still have that, which is more than he does.

I don't get on with my mum at all and she always lands here at christmas. This year Im going to pre-empt her and say no. She is a complete narcissist and feels she has the absolute right to be here. I don't want her here with her passive-aggressive comments/behaviour including moaning at dinner being so late (me, OH & DDs like a late dinner thats our choice) and her disgruntled face when the table looks too nice & the DDs ooh & ahh over it. Basically she just sits there with a face on her, barely moves from the TV with her "Im not joining in with anything" usual stance and her sour face, and Im adamant she isn't going to come here this year. But Im feeling annoyed that Im going to have to tell her. Why can't people just keep away if they know theyre not going to enjoy themselves? Or perhaps they enjoy inflicting their unsocial behaviours on others, and feel their family are a captive audience...

& the only time she's gleeful is if she senses me & OH have had a bit of an argument

Hobbitwife001 I hope you still manage to have the best christmas you can with your DCs around you, which is more than your treacherous XH will have

Mistress people like her feed off misery, 'nice' is their kryptonite.

so your DDs cooing at the table (which sounds heavenly to me :) ) irrationally enrages her.

mothers like yours (and mine to an extent) resent our happiness so much, they are happy when we are suffering.

AndTheBand actually, it is helpful to remember that in a few short days, life will go back to 'normal'

puts it all into perspective :)

Hobbit i'm so sorry! :( the first christmas following things like this are always going to be hard.

could you do something different this year with your boys? how are they doing? are they ok? are they supporting you as best they can?

if you can afford to go out for christmas day lunch, or get away with them for a day, do it, it'll help vanguish any ghosts of the past.

try and remember that you said you'll have a better time together than if he were there.

As pp rightly said you can't have a relationship with a narc.

hobbit I'm sure you will have a much better Christmas without him.

This'll make you laugh: was chatting with my narc, smothering, no boundaries, sometimes says nasty things to me mother the other day and (no joke) she said 'have you heard of narcissistic personality disorder' followed by a poigniant look straight me

This was just after she said 'mummy you talk too much, you never to listen to anyone, I've never met anyone like you' whilst doing hand lobster chatting actions

Worst thing is I did then think oh no maybe she's right. But then I dismissed that as I thought I would never do the hand lobsters thing to her, that's just mean immature

And I would also never put the emotional pressure on my own DC that she puts on me, like it's my job to make her happy. I hate the thought that DC for a second felt any responsibility in that way.

Ho hum. Can't wait for Xmas day. Fabo. Next year going to be super organised, save up and plan a hol over the Christmas break for me and DC. Is that selfish?

"Next year going to be super organised, save up and plan a hol over the Christmas break for me and DC. Is that selfish?"

Not in the least.

Thanks Attila it's that FOG that's been drummed into me!

Right where's that piggy bank...might take some snowflake glasses with us.

To all the Snowflake Glass users (I think it deserves to be capitalised now ).

We are all completely wonderful and fabulous.

We are all dealing with people who should be loved ones and are intolerable wankbadgers. We freaking rock.

To everyone saying no for the first time this year - go you, stay strong, it will work out ok.

To everyone, who isn't quite at the no stage. Do not engage, make boundaries, stick to them. It will work for you and do any of us really care if it doesn't for the toxic knobbuckets?

To everyone, who is dealing with flying monkeys. No is a complete sentence.

To those of us betrayed by loved ones, you will be better off without them. They are, for example, twunts.

I have some snowflake stickers if I can't find any actual glasses.

It's not easy, but it does get easier.

SendingPositiveVibesTiggaxx

Brilliant post tigga. Hello, my name is GoodtoBetter and my mother is an intolerable wankbadger.

Ha ha! Actually I have been on the lookout for snowflake glasses, it would be a lovely little silent touch of solidarity I think to raise a snowflake glass on Christmas Day and think "I am happy. Happy without and despite you, the mother of all wankbadgers" but I haven't seen anything at all. Will keep my eyes peeled.