You are not responsible for the rape or sexual assault you endured

[differentnameforthis]

In light of many threads about Ched Evans' & his victim & in light of those who believe she could have prevented it by being sober (!), I thought it was important to raise this issue.

It doesn't matter if you were drunk
It doesn't matter if you were alone
It doesn't matter if you got into a taxi/car/train/bus with him
It doesn't matter if you went to a room with him
It doesn't matter if you knew him
It doesn't matter if you didn't know him
It doesn't matter if you started to have sex with him & said no
It doesn't matter if you had sex with him an hour/a day/a week before
It doesn't matter if you had sex with his friend
It doesn't matter what you were wearing

YOU ARE IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE RAPE/SEXUAL ASSAULT YOU ENDURED.

We believe you

I think part of the solution is to ensure that the police listen to, record and proceed appropriately with complaints of sexual violence, rather than no criming them etc as reported in recent papers.

Ditto work to reduce rape myths in both organisations/institutions and society at large.

Yes, so true. I also think perceptions need to change. I know that in my family my mum and sisters openly call women in short skirts slags. Appalling and I grew up with this

Chimes that is exactly what I have been trying to say. Of course the rapist is the only person to blame for a rape. Until we live in a society where there are no rapists, then the reality is that if you are out in a vulnerable position you are at risk of being raped. You're even possibly in danger of being raped at home with the people you know. So if I was a woman, knew that rapists were out there, I'd be thankful for little tips on what I could do to avoid placing myself in a vulnerable position where I might be a victim, and wouldn't see it as "victim blaming" at all because it's not. Victim blaming is nothing short of literally telling the victim "You are at fault for being raped, not the perpetrator".

Well quite, fibonacci.

Meanwhile no-one suggests that men need to be chaperoned at all times even though it would help protect them and also for the ones who are criminals it would prevent them doing that.

It's just all about restricting women's freedom, and the ability to blame women when anything happens.

MyEmpireOfDirt your comment "Both sexes taking reasonable personal safety precautions is fine. It won't prevent rape, but it's generally a good idea not to get so drunk you can't cross the road safely, and to know how you're getting home etc. For men and women" sums up entirely what I have been saying. I also agree that women and men who are raped should never be held responsible for being attacked , or have their actions or choices picked apart and criticized.

Because it stops feeding into a culture that excuses rape and blames women. Durr.

You're not a woman?

I didn't realise.

And for me personally, as for Fibonacci, following all the "tips", or even most of them, represented an unacceptable level of curtailment of my freedom. So I didn't do it. And guess what, I was lucky and it was fine. Because most men are not rapists.

And you know what? In almost every situation where a woman is raped, people who want to will be able to find something that she did "wrong". It's a no win situation.

Sorry that was in answer to Chimes.

Because it stops feeding into a culture that excuses rape and blames women. Durr.

And you think a determined rapist will let this deter him?

No but it will get him convicted

Actually, it may deter him thinking about it, if there is a shift in culture

Ending victim-blaming will mean that 94% instead of 6% of rapes will be reported. And that 99% of rapists will be convicted instead of the current 1%. A whole lot fewer rapists out on the streets. Which means fewer victims.

How can anyone not see this?

Yes, I think rape culture makes rape more likely. What's not to understand?

I have always wanted to say this on here. I have a new name change so here I go:

I was sexually assaulted by a family member repeatedly as a junior-aged child under 10. In the end I fought back (barricaded the door) and it stopped.

At the age of 16 I disclosed to my mother who said 'don't tell your father' because he would murder the person who abused me.

At the age of 35 I disclosed to my sibling who said it hadn't happened to her. Thankfully. As a child after abuse I would sleep in my doorway to hear in case the perpetrator decided to go into my younger sibling's room.

My sibling also said not to tell. Now I agree with them, as murder is what would happen. I am SO ANGRY though. I have to be the adult and never get justice. I AM SO ANGRY. Well I know I don't have to, I'm choosing to, but it's Hobson's choice. Because he would murder the perpetrator, without a shadow of a doubt. Other family members have spoken out loud about abuse they suffered from this perpetrator. They weren't believed and nothing happened.

It's ok though because despite being fucked in the head for years, ruining my own relationships, still being somewhat issue-riddled over sex, guilt-riddled because a perpetrator is still out there, free to abuse etc. etc. I was lucky enough to have 18 months of counselling and am now not quite so spectacularly fucking up my own life and mental health on quite such a regular basis.

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. In my darkest hours I kill the perpetrator myself, just to break the relentless catch-22. Don't worry, I won't. Not worth jail time for.

Thanks if you read this.

Verisimilitude, I know you don't know me from Adam, but here is a virtual hug, a thank you for talking about it, and a hope that it will keep getting better. You've gone a long way already!

Verisimilitude

Imagine my surprise when I saw that Aduaz is a man - a man telling women how to not be raped. How nice.

to all the women who have shared their stories on here.

to the big fat victim blamers.

Sabrinnnnnnnna those common sense tips apply to male victims as well as female ones. Don't start getting personal and insulting.