You are not responsible for the rape or sexual assault you endured

[differentnameforthis]

In light of many threads about Ched Evans' & his victim & in light of those who believe she could have prevented it by being sober (!), I thought it was important to raise this issue.

It doesn't matter if you were drunk
It doesn't matter if you were alone
It doesn't matter if you got into a taxi/car/train/bus with him
It doesn't matter if you went to a room with him
It doesn't matter if you knew him
It doesn't matter if you didn't know him
It doesn't matter if you started to have sex with him & said no
It doesn't matter if you had sex with him an hour/a day/a week before
It doesn't matter if you had sex with his friend
It doesn't matter what you were wearing

YOU ARE IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE RAPE/SEXUAL ASSAULT YOU ENDURED.

We believe you

Thank you all. What bends my head is I am a victim of patriarchy twice, by dint of the abuse, and by the upbringing, socialisation and indoctrination of my father into tropes of masculinity in which the only response to a daughter's abuse is deadly violence. I am a feminist for all of us humans, because the place of patriarchy my father has had to live in and the battles he has had to fight and the sheer inability he has to deal with anything threatening emotionally is no place I want any boy child to grow up into. That, and because of the horror, abuse, mutilation and death it visits on the women and girls and infants too.

Never mind Buffy! Congratulations here's to you!

Nice work, Buffy!

It's not even a gaffe, it's good news and you didn't call anyone a cunt

Congrats buffy - your post upthread was pretty awesome.

aduaz.

Verisimilitude - thank you for sharing your story. You are so right, patriarchy, with its hypermasculinity and its hyperfemininity, is just absurd at both its extremes. So much better for everyone for it to be dismantled asap.

Firstly, the majority of rapes are carried out by a man on a woman who is his intimate partner. Her state of dress or drunkenness has nothing to do with how likely it is that she will be raped.

When it comes to stranger rape then there does seem to be a correlation between alcohol consumed by the woman, her state of dress and her vulnerability to being raped.

This has nothing at all to do with the fact she has drunk alcohol or is wearing a short skirt.

A rapist is quite able to rape a woman in his taxi. A rapist is quite able to snatch the woman jogging in the park.

The thing that makes the drunk woman wearing the short skirt in the bar vulnerable to being raped is the fact that the rapist has a fair idea that if he picks on her, he will get away with it.

Why will he get away with it? Because people think that it is somehow her fault that she got raped, so it's not like real rape, as she must have known it was likely to happen, so sort of consented.

What makes women vulnerable is not the clothes they wear or the alcohol they drink, but the attitudes of the people around them. Not just the attitudes of the rapists, but the attitudes of the people who think it is her duty to avoid rape. It's those people who make her vulnerable.

I agree with the op entirely.
The message is more about how we raise our sons than our daughters.

OP, you are obviously on a soapbox and very very angry this morning.

Patronising much! I am angry, because still...in 2014 women are getting blamed for their rapes & sexual assaults! If that doesn't make you angry, then there is something very wrong with this world!

Why will he get away with it? Because people think that it is somehow her fault that she got raped, so it's not like real rape, as she must have known it was likely to happen, so sort of consented

I don't agree, it's the lack of witnesses.

I've never feared a reaction to my rape, I've feared I wouldn't be believed and couldn't prove it.

MyEmpireOfDirt I can't answer for JM but maybe it was because she had no way to prove she was raped and it was just her word against his?

The lack of witnesses?

There are at least two witnesses to every rape.

The problem is the refusal to believe.

There can be other witnesses also, and physical evidence.

I was a prosecution witness at a rape trial. I was the first person she told about it. I believed her without question, as did the police officer she reported it to, who was also a witness at the trial.

I believe this was also the case for Ched Evans's victim.

The idea that since we live in a society where there are rapists, women have to protect themselves, until there are no more rapists is flawed though. We won't ever live in a society without rape until we stop trying to make women responsible for men's behaviour.

The only piece of advice you need to give is to al the men in your life; that they should not put their penis anywhere that it is not expressly wanted. That's not a very complicated lesson.

Verisimilitude big thank-you and love to you. I understand a little I think of what you have been through. Was 'abused' (hate that word) by the 'pillar of the community type' Teacher for three years. Every week which is a long time. Also meant I messed up spectacularly (or did I?) in my first real relationships. Now happy, settled and perpetrator is dead. Still kind of blame myself as was a very shy, introverted child who didn't really have a voice back then. Dream sometimes of going back into that class and 'rescuing' that little girl. No easy answers to a lot of these situations. I was always a very careful adult, never got drunk or in situations I felt I couldn't control. Not sure what my point is really. Thoughts anyone?xx

Well, about bloody time, just heard on the news the latest in the shameful Evans saga. About time Sheffield United. You gain no credit for your half assed decision.

Genesgirl - I think your desire to 'rescue' your younger self shows you are caught up in that idea of "If only I had done ... it wouldn't have happened", which is exactly the attitudes that are being perpetrated in this thread. Society tells women again and again, if you do X you are more likely to get raped; if you wear Y they will think you were asking for it.

Your experience shows that this isn't true at all. There is really nothing that you as a shy, introverted little girl could have done differently. Nothing at all. That may be a scary idea, but if you can accept it, it may be easier for you to realise that there is nothing that you have to 'forgive' yourself for.

"The thing that makes the drunk woman wearing the short skirt in the bar vulnerable to being raped is the fact that the rapist has a fair idea that if he picks on her, he will get away with it.

Why will he get away with it? Because people think that it is somehow her fault that she got raped, . "

Good point, thistle.

I thought the OP was so obvious that it barely needed saying. I am shocked at how wrong I am.
I am male. I have never raped because I am not a rapist. My lack of raping to date has nothing to do with how the females around me have dressed or behaved.
If you have been raped, whatever anyone may have you believe, it was not your fault.