You are not responsible for the rape or sexual assault you endured

[differentnameforthis]

In light of many threads about Ched Evans' & his victim & in light of those who believe she could have prevented it by being sober (!), I thought it was important to raise this issue.

It doesn't matter if you were drunk
It doesn't matter if you were alone
It doesn't matter if you got into a taxi/car/train/bus with him
It doesn't matter if you went to a room with him
It doesn't matter if you knew him
It doesn't matter if you didn't know him
It doesn't matter if you started to have sex with him & said no
It doesn't matter if you had sex with him an hour/a day/a week before
It doesn't matter if you had sex with his friend
It doesn't matter what you were wearing

YOU ARE IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE RAPE/SEXUAL ASSAULT YOU ENDURED.

We believe you

Teaching girls (and boys) from a young age that it's OK to say no, they don't always need to be polite, that no-one is allowed to touch them without their express permission, to trust their instincts, that they can always tell you anything etc are great lessons to teach from a young age IMO andsmile.

Similarly teaching older children (male and female) about what you deem to be safe behaviour on nights out is perfectly reasonable, there is no need for separate extra anti-rape advice for girls as all it does is teach them that they are prey, and fail to protect them from anything anyway.

Wouldyoulisten thanks for repeating it. I would say it because if the women hadn't been walking home alone, they wouldn't have been raped in that instance. That doesn't make it right, it doesn't make it her fault for walking home alone, it is just that it wouldn't have happened. I'd like to live in a world where rape didn't happen no matter what but while we work towards that, the best we could and should be doing now is looking at ways to lower the chances of it happening. But as many have correctly said, nothing you do can guarantee 100% you won't be raped which is a distressing fact.

Thistledew you are right and perhaps there is a fine line between prevention tips and victim blaming but that line hasn't been crossed in this thread at all.

MEOD on a thread once there was something about walking alone after dark and someone pointed out that is pretty difficult in winter if you have any kind of job

A poster said that they had never in their whole life walked anywhere alone ever after dark in their life. I found that really sad. They claimed it had just happened that way but for someone like me who was swanning all over London from 15 up it was just mind-boggling.

Joysmum, have you not been paying attention to the many posts on this thread stating that women are at far more risk while sober, moderately dressed and in the company of a man they know/trust?

Have you not been paying attention, I was raped by an ex partner do I'm more than aware of that fact.

Doesn't mean sensible precautions shouldn't be taken against stranger rape.

In my case, I'll sill drink, still dress up, still go jogging etc.

However one of my party will be sober, we stick together, I jog in busier areas etc. it'd not a big impact on my life in the same way that crime prevention tactics against my property isn't.

Thats what I'm asking myempire - reasonable precautions

Yes I get how you can start to label good girl/bad girl - but thats not what I said or was getting at - I do understand a women can be raped in a wide variety of settings and statisically by someone they know...and the crime fault lies with the rapist - they and only they are the perpetrator of a crime.

Aduaz sorry for the blunt language but what kind of bastard are you that on a woman telling you she had been raped walking home alone you would tell her that if she hadn't been walking home alone she wouldn't have been raped.

Yeah really fucking helpful

YES! seven thats the kind of advice as a parent I meant to offer guidance like that to my DC. I know the short skirt/walking alone thing is statiscally not helpful anyway.

Joysmum - Put yourself in the place of a rapist. Who would you choose to rape? - All the statistics, police reports and other expert bodies agree the answer to your question is "Someone I know, about whom I've been thinking for some time, and who trusts me enough give me ready access."

FWIW, the sexual assaults I've suffered in my life were done by:
Two dates
Two husbands
One friend's husband
Two co-workers
Three strangers
One friend of a friend
One group of acquaintances
Four taxi drivers
One security man
Two neighbours.

So 3/19 were the classic stranger in a dark road. Personal anecdotes are not data, but I think the more crucial fact is that 7 of my attackers were men in a specific position of trust.

andsmile - there's is unfortunately nothing you can do there is no prevention advise that will work because the only reason you/your daughter would be raped is if you/she is in the presence of a rapist.

We need to change the way society thinks overall and STOP thinking we can change our behaviour to prevent rape, we can't the only people who can change their behaviour to prevent rape is rapists.

because I/we know there are rapists amongst us (is it ok to say this is a fact even?) then is it not resonable to take precautions to reduced the risk of being raped

But how can you reduce that risk? You know there are rapists among us, but you don't know who they are.

Aduaz - but what it the point In saying that, what difference would it make 'after ' the rape. She cannot go back and change that, make herself magically get a taxi home or not go out or not be born even because let's face it if she didn't exist she wouldn't be raped would she!

You really really don't get it, how do you KNOW that if she had walked home with a friend she wouldn't have been raped, perhaps they both would be or the 'friend' may have raped her .What about a taxi maybe she would have been raped by the taxi driver. You don't KNOW that because it's not the walking home alone that caused the rape it was the RAPIST, and he could have been anyone.

Bangs head against the wall.
What the fuck is wrong with some people.

I've said all I can.

I was raped by an ex partner which couldn't be prevented. I've been very upfront about that and how it's affected my life since.

I will advise my daughter about looking out for her friends, in sticking together, one person staying sober, keeping their phone up as if they are on the phone, cigarette or key as a weapon at the ready etc, general awareness of your situation, just as we did when I was younger.

I know these measures wouldn't have prevented my rape, but they do reduce the risk of rape or mugging or other crime by a stranger. Anyone who doesn't do this won't suddenly create a rapist or mugger, but will be at higher risk of being a target.

I think anyone who wouldn't promote personal safety measures to their kids are lacking as parents and putting their kids at greater risk

Anyone who doesn't agree, I can't persuade you I know, but I can't respect you views any more than you can sway or respect mine.

id like to know how to protect my daughter more.

Joysmum - my children are taught personal safety advise but rape doesn't come into that conversation because there is nothing they can do that would prevent it.

Well said.

I would equally say the same for a man and that just because he shows interest doesn't mean he has to give in to a woman either.

I think true feminism aka equal rights means you also can't leave out the fact men shouldn't be treated different either.

Wouldyoulisten she can't change that but in future she might change her habbits like she might decide to get a taxi home instead of walking home in the future to be a bit safer. We can't know anything for sure but we can advise reasonable precautions that would mean you are reducing the amount of time you are in a more vulnerable situation.

MyEmpireOfDirt that is NOT what you are saying at all. Don't put words in my mouth.

Thistledew you are right and perhaps there is a fine line between prevention tips and victim blaming but that line hasn't been crossed in this thread at all.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I have to agree with Caillin's post of 17:28. You must have a kink in the brain if you can't see that your posts are victim blaming, insulting to rape victims, and possibly triggering, considering you know you are conversing with several rape victims here.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist I have no advice. They have taken all reasonable precautions and still been raped.