Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

Sorry for the moaning.
It just sometimes feels as though I fall off the path and have no idea where I am. x

Oh Sure

Your issues are understandable,and beyond anything I can comprehend. Have you told the WA counsellor any of this stuff about your father?

I have never been where you are and find it hard to believe that people are so vile because I have been one of the lucky ones when it comes to my parents. By hard to believe, I just mean mindblowingly awful.....because I do believe everything you have said.

From my total lack of experience it is easy for me to say you need to go no contact.... But am sure there are many folks on the relationships board who could give you better advice about how to do it. Because honestly sweetheart, I'm not sure you would feel any lonelier than you already feel.... And at least you would have a chance to live life on your own terms.

Sure, I totally agree with Badgers. I feel out of my depth and cannot give you any advice. Please have a look at a thread where someone goes NC with an abusive parent, and ask them to come and help on your thread. Or maybe start another one specifically about it.
I am certain though that reforming someone with such views is a difficult if not impossible task, and you are the last person who should attempt it. Please don't try. Concentrate on getting him out of your life.
You started posting about 'him' but it's clear he was not the start of your problems. Your 'father' paved the way for him. And made it easy for him to abuse you. (With plenty of help from your mother.)
As Badgers says, you will not be any more alone without your blood family.
What is incredible though, and why we care about you, is that you have broken free. You are not treating your DS in the same cruel way. The cycle has stopped with you. But you need help yourself.
(I know he was talking to you about his evil behaviour. I was just daydreaming that someone else had heard and threatened him. Don't suppose your last contact with him could involve a tape recorder? You could send that to the Daily Mail, and the Police!)
Hugs. Lots of them.

Thanks both.

I know it has all already happened, and there is nothing I can do about it. I think just getting it out and lovely people(you) saying "that's wrong" has helped, so thank you.
Don't worry about being out of your depth. I think: well, people have coped with a lot worse, I have coped so far, and I will cope in the future.
Have woken up feeling more positive, esp after cuddling peachy DS all night. I don't think hormones help tbh!

Its all done, its happened, I can't change whats happened. I just have to move forward and sometimes I feel stuck.
I guess I just felt sad cause he was the last member of my 'family' that I have been vaguely in touch with, and although it's not perfect it was something, rather than being completely alone. Mind you, he has never been there for me so I guess I am already! :)

I do feel sorry for him. He's an old man, he had a bad heart attack when I was pregnant with DS and his health isnt brilliant. He was sent away by his parents to boarding school where they practiced corporal punishment, and I really don't think he knows any better.
He's just a dinosaur. He's a fairly well off old white man who spent most of his life being looked after in the military. He lives in a well to do village where there isnt any poverty or ethnic minorities. He shit himself when he came to visit my old house in a poor inner city area where DS was one of 3 white kids in his class ( I thought it was great and so did DS).
He doesn't really know much about life..my sister is NC with him and I feel really heartless just dumping him. I don't want to be at his funeral wishing I had just made a basic effort for his last years. I already worry about my mum's. She did me more damage, for sure. Emotionally. Her and my sister.
I do miss them, but a version of them that doesn't exist I guess. Other people cope with less than perfect families.

I think the crux is that there is a grain of truth in what my 'family', DS dad and 'he' says, that I am over emotional, and I just get damaged by things people do and say more than others, who seem to cope.
I need to work on my backbone.

Badgers , yes I told WA about my mum and dad and she was horrified and said I need to never contact my mum again and think about cutting my dad off too!
Teeny you're right, I think my parents did pave the way for all the shitty people to walk all over me (friends, boyfriends, they saw me coming)

I have done a lot of reading about this, I think my mum has a few personality disorders (but then she had a bad childhood) as well as my sister who emulates my mum - golden child vs scapegoat (Me) situation,
'he' has a lot of issues from his own childhood and coming to realise he has a hatred of women (going to get 'men who hate women and the women who love them' by the same author as the 'toxic parents' book that helped me a lot a few years ago).

Thing is I have educated myself about it all but somehow doesn't make it feel any better. Its almost a "ok, but what now?" kind of thing.

I need to start by wiping "VICTIM" off my forehead I guess.

By the way, your support means everything

Unfortunately I don't think it will ever feel better. You think "OK, but now what?" .....and I think the answer to that is that if you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you always got.

You are only going to get somewhere if you can find the strength in you to change it. The toxic abusers in your life are never going to o change. Only you can make the change, by deciding you are going to close the door on your past. Stop giving them the power. Cut them out of your life, do not engage, delete communications, do not argue,do not give them the oxygen to thrive. Remove their power by removing yourself from them.

And yes, with the best will in the world, saying this with love and concern, deciding that you are not going to be a victim anymore. It will never feel good. That is the shit reality of your situation. But in time, when you are living life on your terms, there will be satisfaction of a life well lived and surviving on your own, without the toxicity of your abusers spoiling things for you.

Sure, it doesn't say VICTIM on your forehead anymore. It says FIGHTING BACK. Which is a lot harder than giving in.
I do feel sorry for your 'father' as his own upbringing and life experience may well have made him the person he is. But I have to wonder what it is inside a person's very soul that makes them react to ill treatment in the way you have, rather than the way he did. I can only repeat that it cannot be your job to 'save' him. He is not alone and at his funeral you must never feel that you should have tried harder. Let God deal with him if he exists. I don't personally believe he does, but I have along list of issues to raise with him, if and when I meet him. (It includes Robert Mugabe, the guy who owns Sports Direct, your parents...)
Badgers, as always, is right. Let him go. Heal yourself and then have a look round for any lame ducks.
Glad you are feeling a little more positive. Hormones can be a bugger - keep an eye on your cycle and get ready for 'down' times.
Badgers, I hope you are feeling better too.

I guess I'm looking for practical steps to start with.
I'm not sure I know how to practically heal and sort of rehabilitate myself.
I feel I'm sometimes quite awkward around people because i just don't really get what 'normal' is, or assume no one likes me, or when they do, and they're nice to me i don't know what to do with it!
Maybe its just part of my introvert personality.

This picture resonates!

I do have a RL deadline though - mainlining coffee to get my last assignment started properly for friday

Lots of and to get you through to your deadline xx

I really need some advice.

DS' dad and 'his' dad live in the same small village.

I have come to find out through 'him' texting me that DS' dad is buying a house on 'his' dads road with his (very) new girlfriend. There's a load of other stuff but its a bit 'outing'.

Basically as I have said before 'he' told his dad, mum, stepmum, family etc that he didn't do anything and that I was making it up. He also told them the police dropped it cause there was no evidence and i'm clearly nuts.

He completely catastrophised it all to them like " I wont see you at xmas because i'll be in prison" etc etc. When WA said it wasn't likely he would get anything other than community service. So they all hate me, because they don't know the truth and believe 'his' sob story.

So anyway, it turns out that 'his' dad and DS' dad know each other through the village council.

'He' texted me saying that his dad was saying about this house DS' dad is buying...'his' dad knows who DS' dad is, but DS dad has no idea the connection.
1st of all I had no idea and I am stressing about this due to DS having to go there.

But main stress is that if he moves onto 'his' dads road he will end up knowing him well as he already knows him from the council and its a really small village.. and will end up hearing about all of this - his version which is lies.
I am mainly concerned that this will affect me having DS as if his dad believes the lies he could use it against me ( I have no doubt he will do this as he is vindictive and used me having NC with my mum to hurt me).

I am panicking. Its all untruths and it has a possibility of affecting me and DS now.
I am considering contacting 'his' family to set them straight (obviously I have the evidence to do this on both counts- messages where he admits it and paperwork from police to show that they wanted to continue but were letting me drop the charges).

But I don't want to go back to being scared and upset all the time. I had a lovely weekend with DS and was thinking last night how DS dad hadn't bothered to ring him all week and weekend.. and how I was happy now far away from all the shite in my old county.

I cant stand that im going to be the victim of lies again! :(

I haven't done anything wrong

Please, is anyone there just to handhold?
I've cried until I was sick.
Its like I hung on for months until essay deadline on friday, and now DS has gone to school I've come apart.

Hi. I'm a newcomer to mumsnet and mainly a lurker but I have read your posts and I wanted to say that I am here to handhold. I am sorry that I don't have any advice to give.

You have so much courage - just believe that you'll find a way through this - I haven't read all of the thread but I believe you were right to make the report and it doesn't matter what other people believe - you are being true to yourself and doing your best for your son.
I am sorry you are in such distress; please seek some help, make a call. If the essay is due on Friday then ask in advance for an extension - get a medical note - just try to stop putting yourself under so much stress about what may or may not happen.

Thank you wheretogonext.
Its ok i don't know what i would advise me either!
Got the school run coming up and i just dread it. Feel all over the place.
I really appreciate you taking the time to reply, thank you.
X

Hi Sure

sorry I wasnt about to reply earlier: work has gone crazy.

Sweetheart, you havent done anything wrong, and there are many folk on here that believe you. I dont know what to say, because for various reasons these abusive folk have a hold over you. It would be easy for me to say you need to grower a thicker skin, because that absolutely wont help, even though it is absolutely what you need.

You have to stop caring what these people think. They are not important.

I am considering contacting 'his' family to set them straight (obviously I have the evidence to do this on both counts- messages where he admits it and paperwork from police to show that they wanted to continue but were letting me drop the charges).

Do not do this. Many folks have come and gone on your threads, but all have remained constant: you must not engage with either "him" or his folks. If you do, the only thing you will get is more hurt and distraught at not being believed.

We have been here with you before: you need to accept that he will never change what he is saying and you will never control what he is saying, so all you can do is control your own reaction to it. and that means treating it all, all of it, with the contempt is deserves. Fuck him. Fuck them. Fuck them all. Dont get sad, get angry. How fucking dare they do this to you! Fuck. Them. All.

Find your anger Sure, find it and use it to distance yourself from these toxic folk.

As i have said to you before, if anyone EVER comments to you about any of this, the response is simply an icy glare and "You do know there are two sides to every story dont you?" and then walk away. You must walk away sweetheart.

Sure, you have come so far. You have made monumental progress but you are at risk of getting dragged back into the drama, and under "his" control" and that is highly damaging for your health and happiness, as well as your DS who needs his mum. And you are a fucking great mum, it shines out of all your posts. Hold on to that and dont you forget it!

At end of day, your DS is safe and sound with you. His father doesnt want him full time, he just threatens you with that because that it the stick he knows he can beat you with. If your DS's father says anything re: "him", the response is as above: two sides to the story, and none of his business, all contact to be about DS and his welfare only.

I'm sorry that things have taken a turn for the worse but please, please, for the love of all that is holy, do not engage. You will not win if you get involved in the mudslinging, and the best thing for you and your DS is for you to rise above it, and not give a fuck.

I know that is easier said than done, but it is absolutely what you must do for your own, and DS' sake.

Big hugs xx

PS be kind to yourself tonight. Warm bath, something nice to eat, duvet on sofa for snuggles and a movie with DS.

Shit. Monumental post. Sorry!

Hi ariana, i applied for extenuating circumstances due to everything that happened and the deadline was friday just gone.
Thought i was coping much better but feel i may have just gone bleugh after meeping ot together for DS over the weekend and handing in my final essay on friday. Thank you so much about what you said re me being right to report him.
I still struggle with justifying it.

So sorry for yet another depressing development for you
Could you talk to victim support or WA about this it could possibly be a safeguarding issue for your ds
Not sure whether or not you have ss involvement or not

I wouldn't go to the other family yourself I would make sure it comes from some professional person or body so there's no doubt in their minds you are believed somewhere by the authorities.

Badgers thank you so much. I have to go and get little DS now and will post when I'm back.
Splashing my face and sunglasses for the school run..

Not to sound patronising, but good girl. Best face forward and all that: fake it 'til you make it.

I'll keep an eye out for more posts later when i am at home xx

PS totally understandable that you have crashed after getting the assignment in on deadline. That is totally normal and there is nothing wrong with you on that front: it is a totally normal response and i think any of us who have studied/worked hard to meet a work deadline etc knows that post-submission crash!

Congratulations on handing your assignment in! As for feeling 'bleurgh' now is done, I can well believe it. I went to a fairly intense university and it was a well-known fact that we all held it together until the end of term/exams/assignments and then as soon as we stopped we would fall ill. And that was without everything that you have had to deal with it. I recommend just snuggling up with some light reading/TV and relaxing for a bit. You deserve it after all the work you put into the assignment.

Thanks all for replying and talking me through this.
Got DS, luckily timed it well to be slightly late and got there as they were coming out so avoided the cliquey mums.
I've taken on board what you've said.
First things first i have ordered pizza and gonna get the duvet down when it comes and watch good old aristocats with DS.
Mojo17 i think you're right, i could talk to WA about this. See what they advise.
Badgers thanks for your insight re DS dad- you're right, he doesn't want him really. DS had a big weekend at the railway and he didn't even ring to see how it went.
I think I need to rationalise things. After what 'he' put me through i just seem to panic sometimes. It might sound pathetic but i think he traumatised me- most of the time i can cope because ive just had to, but I think combo of post deadline bleughness and the threat of 'his' dad and DS dad being pally and my head has exploded.
I wish I could just cut the cord of having to deal with these people.

You are not pathetic. You have been traumatised, and are having a normal reaction to a stressful situation. Try to enjoy pizza, cuddles and cats. Tomorrow is another day, and we are here for you if you need us. You are not pathetic x