Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

Sure, just dashing in to shout, 'YES!' to Badger's post. Read it and own it.
Will be back soon - hope you and DS are doing OK and maybe enjoying some down time.

Hi all,
I am feeling better about 'him' a little bit for now, still disassociated I guess because I cant feel anger about it, though on WA advice i'm trying.
My mum and dad and DS dad though, well i got a bit out through writing.

I am on my own this weekend as DS dad has him for a family event thing.
His sister in law messaging me saying what a nightmare DS dad being.
They didn't get there til 11.30pm.

I am feeling really down today, all of this alone time is taking a toll again, I am starting to feel like I am going downhill like I did last summer between finishing uni and DS breaking up from school.

I have tried looking for a job, but ones that are in school hours and for 5 weeks are non existent. Even volunteer jobs want more of a commitment.

The school run has descended into me cutting it really fine so I can drop and run in the am, and ignored hellos, bitchy looks and overheard comments about me at pick up (also leaving it late as possible to avoid standing in the playground but they tend to come out 10 mins late so I still have to stand there).

Apart from this I see no one at all apart from WA lady on a weds.
Now uni work has finished I am on my own apart from DS for a couple of hours in morning and after school but a lot of that is tea/bath/story/ bedtime.

Now its a weekend I find myself getting really down, its the human contact I miss, being able to see facial expressions and talk, or do something, to have a friend.
I don't know how it has got like this.
I watched a dvd last night but still cried in bed cause no one said goodnight, woke up to silence, no one to talk to, no one to say good morning, unless I go out and wander about I wont see anyone (even then I don't feel I can approach people), I have no friends that aren't online ( you guys).
Everyone my age seems to either have a partner, family, or friends.

Cant figure out how when I haven't hurt anyone or been horrible that I have no one. Is it terminal shyness? Low self esteem? People don't like me cause of how I look (people comment on it quite a lot)?

What do I do? Thought about calling Samaritans but really that's not going to solve my problems is it?
:(
Thanks for reading.

Hi Sure
sorry I dropped out for a while there. I'm so sorry you feeling low and at a loss. School drop off can be stressy (DD phrase which sort of say it all to me). I understand you're desire to drop off DS and run for the hills however can you acknowledge the 'Hellos' with a 'Hi - gotta fly' sort of approach - just one little step at a time.

I don't know if you remember but we 'spoke' awhile ago about Tai Chi for both you & DS - I'm an instructor and I suppose it wouldn't surprise you that I heartly recommend Tai Chi as a wonderful gentle way to get the body exercising and the mind cleared. There are a couple of websites which list Tai Chi instructors - Tai Chi Finder and the Tai Chi Union of GB. How about finding a class during the day when DS is at school and also a class for those weekends when DS is away. You can search by region. If you like I can find someone for you - just pm me with your region / town

I don't want to push you too hard (This is a Tai Chi joke by the way - sorry) but finding something different to do with a completely different group of people could be a useful way to help connect with other adults.

Don't write off the Samaritans - they could have some useful information about weekend groups / activities for single parents in your area.

Hi DPotter, thanks for your reply :)
With regard to the school run it is me that says the hello's/hiya/morning/ conversation starters but gets blanked or turned away from. I even volunteered a few times with PTA ding some garden work and all day running a xmas bric a brac stall at the xmas fair.

Posted too soon, sorry.
So I have tried with school but its difficult and a bit confusing so far.
Wrt Tai Chi i will look up something round here - something during the day would be good..i tried it in Australia once- harder than it looks which was good.

Sorry - misunderstood about the school run.

Sorry I've not been around much recently. Just a quick comment about exercise classes of any sort - people tend to gravitate to the same spot in the room each time, which helps with starting conversations. Even asking which spots aren't 'taken' can start you talking. Talk to the instructor - they can't ignore anyone! I can guarantee that you will find someone you like after a few weeks. And the exercise is a bonus!

I don't know what to say about the school run. Nasty cows. PTAs can a nightmare. They are no loss. Doesn't stop you feeling alone though, and all I can think of is to have a one sided conversation on your phone. Pretend you're arranging something nice like a lunch date and loudly invent all sorts of reasons why it can't be this week. I know you can't do that every day, so always have some papers you can study and pretend to annotate. Anything so you don't just have to stand there feeling miserable.

Have you thought about befriending charity work? There are so many people who need a friendly ear and your work and personality would suit you to it.

I wish I had a magic wand, I really do, but you are moving forward and life won't always be like this. Hugs.

I really appreciate you taking time out of your lives to post here to support me, by the way.

I know i am not always the most upbeat of people. I am scared of going back to where i was at xmas and not being able to move on with my life after all of this crap and be 'normal' (whatever that is) and cope with things.

I had a meeting with my old educator from placement who is still my boss as i volunteer for the project. I asked her for some more work! So she will hopefully email me with a list.

She also said she had recommended me to another project to volunteer with refugee mothers to befriend and address isolation which i would love to do. So she obviously thinks well of me as she said i was the first person she thought of when the lady asked.

In a way it is a two -way street doing befriending work, isnt it? :) they wouldnt know but they would be reducing my isolation too.

Still not angry!

Hey Mrs

Great to hear about the update: that sounds really positive.

Don't look back Sure, you're not going that way

I think the befriending work, if you do end up doing it, would be very good for you. You are a very caring and principled person, that comes out of your posts very strongly, and being able to support other people is something that I think would bring you great satisfaction on both a professional and personal level.

Hope you are having a good week

Lots of good things in your post. I definitely think befriending is a two way process with benefits on both sides. Anyone who is befriended by you will be lucky. You are so kind and empathetic that you will be brilliant at it, though I do wonder if it's a bit like counselling and there has to be a reasonable 'fit' between the friend and befriended. I hope there's some attempt at match making!

Believe your educator. She's right.

Please don't apologise for not being upbeat. Just use your thread as you choose. It's fine with us.

Hope you're OK too, Badgers.

Hiya,
Had WA again today. We talked about my body and she wanted me to do some exercises where i look at it in a mirror and acknowledge the feelings that come with different parts of it.
I told her i am torn cause i like clothes and sometimes make up and having nice hair etc but i feel like 'rebelling' against his (and other men's) sexualising of my body by wearing baggy t shirts/ joggers/ no make up / no effort with hair etc. But she said thats letting him win. I dont know anymore. Feel confused.

I shaved my head a yr and a half ago while i was sort of with him and she said that was probably something similar.
Men finding me attractive was part of my motivation - to remove what society deemed attractive (long hair).

Talked about triggers and I said about disassociation when DS starts screaming or hitting - she said it is a reaction to my childhood trauma/abuse ( still have trouble acknowledging this but she says thats part of conditioning) . She has printed out a massive wedge of info (book i think) on it to give to me as its clearly a massive issue and why i have no self esteem at all. Can't bring myself to read it.

I am scared i am fucking up DS as what we actually talked about in the session today that hadn't happened for ages is him playing up and me losing my temper.
I have a burn on my arm that's blistered and DS was messing around playfighting - he accidentally popped the blister and i said no i don't want to playfight any more that's hurting me now. He kept going and i said "no, time for shower now" he crawled under the bed and continued high spirits messing around. Sometimes he thinks it funny when i pull him out by his legs so i did this both still laughing.
Didn't want to carpet burn him so asked him to stand and get in the shower but he refused and started getting aggressive (since seeing his dad he has gone back to this :( )
While herding him into the bathroom he started loud whingeing and lashing out then when i said no he started screaming.
This seems to be a trigger for me (screaming/hitting/ physical aggression) and he lashed out and took all the skin right off my burn and in a split second i lost it and pushed him away and he lost his balance and fell into the side of the bath.
It really wasn't deliberate i guess i just wanted him away from me. I'm disgusted with myself.

The screaming and hitting makes me feel as though i need to get away and i just can't handle it.
I detach. Its like i mentally run away and i can't comfort him, i feel like he's attacking me even though he's 6 and just messing around /tantrum.
Awful tonight feeling like a shit bitch of a mother. I hate my mum for what she did to me and I'm terrified I'll end up like her.

I apologised to him and he said sorry too as he was messing about but i said no mummy shouldn't have lost her temper, i love you and I'm sorry.
The damage is done though isn't it?

Normally when he's messing about and refuses shower we laugh and if he's really tired and whingey i just undress him myself lift him up and put him in the shower myself and its fine.
What am i doing? :(

Don't kick yourself too hard about the shower problems. You apologized, and he obviously knows he was doing something he shouldn't have been doing... AND you're working on your issues. That's all anyone can do. You are human, and you probably have a bit of PTSD from your own upbringing that causes you to react the way you do to your son's screaming and hitting; but you're working on it, and aware of it and you apologized immediately. Keep working on it and keep explaining. He needs to see you're human, not a robot that he can mess with with no reaction. You are a wonderful mum!!

Hi Whitsernam, hope you're well.

Thank you for your reassurance. I am trying really hard to work on it, it frightens me when kneejerk reactions like that happen.
I just love him so much, and he has enough upset and insecurity from his dad without having me losing my temper.
It is my life's intent to give him what i didn't have, for him to feel safe and secure and wanted and that he can tell me anything, and that he is interesting and loved and i want to hear what he has to say and care about what he's interested in and want to spend time with him.
Not push him away.
Maybe it is PTSD. All i know is i don't want to react like that and I worry its so deep seated i wont be able to address it.

Your last sentence means the world. Thank you. X

You are entirely welcome. No one is perfect, or not all the time. You seem to judge yourself quite harshly, and always give others the benefit of the doubt; maybe it's time to give yourself the benefit of some doubt.

I am well, thank you. Took an extended vacation, so have not been on for a bit, but home now and usually on at night.

Give your DS some hugs in the morning, tell him you do love him, and keep moving forward.

Whitsernam is right. There are no perfect parents.

Here is my mantra, well one of them(!) which I used to say to myself when I was being a perfectionist at work:

Stop going for gold; settle for silver

Please don't worry you will turn out like your mum. You have the vital ingredient - awareness - which she lacked, plus a natural inclination towards love and gentleness which, coupled with a willingness to change and develop, will see you and DS through.

Lots more to say, but flying about a lot at the moment so I'll just say one more thing - look how YOU want to look. As Badgers said earlier, how other people deal with that is not your concern.

Well, another one more thing(!) - can you copy and paste points from your threads which you need to keep at the front of your mind so they are more available than your inner, critical voice. Like this one from whitsernam:

You are a wonderful mum!!

What happened with your son was normal, I doubt there is one person on MN who might not have reacted exactly the same.

But that's probably not that helpful.
The problem is that you are "hyper sensitive" to such events, and probably are worrying you will be "just like your Mum".
Its like: Jane has been involved in a nasty car crash, she is physically okay now. But she still feels jumpy whenever she is in the car and: there is a loud noise, someone beeps their horn, she goes past a large lorry, children squabble in the back, etc. etc.
The accident could even have been years ago, but if Jane is going through treatment which brings back the memories of that accident, she still gets that horrible feeling when these things occur.

So keep going with your therapy. Do you have any techniques to deal with stress? If not ask the WA person for some or your GP, or even google some. Tapping on the back of your hand is one that some people find helpful.

Oh and if your DS wants to apologise - let him. Stopping him is invalidating his feelings a bit, he did cause you pain.

And you don't want to get into a silly argument about who needs to apologise more...

Hi SUre - I have just caught up (working full time now) and I totally agree with Mummytime.

You should not brush off his apologies;- indeed, he should apologise to you; he was not doing as he was told, he hurt you, he was not acting correctly or respectfully to you. I know he's only little but it's a lesson he needs to learn.
You shouldn't be doing that thing where you are always in the wrong - it gives an impression to the other person that they should always be in the right! Someone who apologises all the time, gets into the habit, and apologises even when they are NOT in the wrong - and then they attract the sort of person who will play on this, who can see a vulnerable 'people pleaser' - and then that can lead to insidious abuse....

I still think you are doing a fab job with him tho.

Hope you're OK, Sure.

What Teeny said.

Definitely had a day on Wednesday where i felt completely devastated and out of control. Like i am utterly damaged and I'll never have a normal life.
Feel a bit better now though. I feel like I'm constantly veering up and down like I'm on a rollercoaster i cant get off of.
Thanks for checking in on me. X :)

If you had a physical illness and the treatment was slow, with different drugs and periods of improvement mixed in with plateaus and setbacks, you would feel similar to the way you describe. You might also think you'd never feel normal. I think you are in a similar position and I wish I knew what to suggest.
All I can say is that you - and your DS - are worth fighting for. One day you will be free.

Would it be worth going back to your GP and trying another AD? Think of it as a temporary sticking plaster, or a walking pole.

Hi Sure

You have been treated badly and that has left damage, yes. But you have come a long way and are doing brilliantly. You are learning how to be you, without all the negative overbearing influences: it will take time and it is up to you to define your "normal". Don't get too hung up on "Normal" as a concept though!

Can you speak to your WA counsellor to see if she has any practical suggestions for how you can calm yourself when you feel yourself veering out of control? Mindfulness or something to try and stop the spiral of negative emotions? Not easy I know. I think in terms of being on the rollercoaster you can't get off: part of that will improve if you can close the door on "him". I still think that means changing your phone number to prevent him getting access, for as long as you keep the door open her will keep trying to push his way in to your life.

Morning all, thank you for your replies.

Have finally got a quiet moment.

Thank you so much for all the reassurance about DS and the apologising etc. I find your outside opinions invaluable.

I guess because I don't know how healthy relationships work I find it hard to strike a good balance between worrying about whether I am being abusive or damaging and being a complete doormat he can take advantage of (not his fault - my old counsellor told me that "children only know what they know" if that makes sense and that its completely normal for young children to be selfish and egocentric because their brains haven't developed enough to be able to consider others).

Speaking of my old counsellor she sent me a mildly shirty text a few months ago saying that she's ending our contract cause I hadn't been able to get to my old town/arrange childcare as I was busy with assignments. Kind of feels like being dumped!

On Wednesday when I woke up feeling terrible, I was just crying on and off all morning. It was almost a chemical thing, just overwhelming upset.
Luckily I had WA appointment. On my way there I drove past a normal looking girl wearing a vest and shorts (blazing sun) and then a load of builders. I almost went 3....2....1... and one of them stepped out, put his fingers in his mouth and whistled loudly ( like you would at a dog) and shouted something at her. She was probably about 15 and hunched her shoulders up and kept walking. The look on the 'man's face was like hungry wolf leering at a lamb. It set me off again.
Just felt so down. WA lady was reassuring, saying of course I will have days like this. But although I have done loads of work, especially on childhood abuse/trauma stuff, It has almost made me feel like because it is all ingrained in me from such an early age that I will never be normal.

Was filling out the forms for my new volunteering job a few minutes ago and it came to 'Emergency contact name and telephone number". Its times like these when i'm at a loss.

I know from experience that I will keep going but sometimes I feel ruined, and I want to scream, at that disgusting piece of shit leering at that girl, at my 'parents' who destroyed any kind of confidence I might have had, at DS dad for taking away my chance at a proper family, more children, a supportive loving partner, something to be proud of, at 'him' for controlling, abusing, raping and shouting at me and reducing me to putting up with disgusting treatment in return for tiny moments of affection, and most of all for never being sorry.

None of them are sorry, they just genuinely think i'm such a piece of scum that I deserve it.
Not one of them has ever done anything other than blame me for it all.

I 100% will keep going and learning and enjoying being on this beautiful planet but sometimes it all comes at once.

And due to all of the above it is hard not to believe that it is me that is the 'problem'.