Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

I'm sorry I was not around earlier, but you have had such good advice as ever. It would be wonderful if these awful people would just disappear, but as they won't, I so agree that engaging with them is the last thing you should do. I think you have said they are geographically distant from you and that is such a good thing. Now you have to work on being emotionally distant. Please ask WA for help to do this.
It's so common to have a period of come down after a major bout of work. Remember it will be affecting your ability to cope. And it may go on for a while. Your hormones may also be contributing.
Practise Badgers' response and especially the icy stare. That is definitely the right way to go. Your 'confidence' (fake or otherwise) will cast doubt in their minds as to the truth, or at the very least will make it not worthwhile to torment you.
Hope the pizza was good - and The Aristocats is lovely. I have to go out now but will keep checking in when I can. Hugs.

Im heading to bed now Sure. I hope you were able to relax this evening , even a little bit, and I hope you get a sleep.

Work is crazy horrible at the minute but I will check back tomorrow as soon as I can.

sleep tight x

Morning Sure

Hope you feel a little calmer this morning and got some sleep

A new dawn and a new day, hope it goes well for you.

Thanks all.
Badgers, hope work is better for you today.
I dont know what is wrong with me that i seem to need to make everything ok for people that are horrible to me at my own expense.
It is such a big learning curve.

I think this is where working with the WA counselling on tactics/strategies for moving forward with your life is a better idea for you than therapies where you just keep going over old ground.

Your upbringing has programmed you to a large degree: you have spent your life looking for approval and acceptance, and not getting it. So y9ou are in a horrible negative cycle not of your making: that doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you. Much of how you react to things is a result of how you have been treated when growing up, and that was not under your control. It also set you up for a bad time with other people in your life, particularly men.

Somehow, i dont know how, you need to accept that it is ok not to always put yourself last, and say [if only mentally] a big fat "Fuck you" to people who do not contribute to your life in a postive and meaningful way. Again, these are issues that perhaps WA can help you with?

There is nothing wrong with you. You are Sure, and you have had a hard road, but you have come a long way and anyone who has followed your threads is very proud of you.

Ps work is work. It's a bit shit but it pays for the necessities and some nice things in life.

Thank you. I think you're right, there is nothing to be gained from going over old ground.
I have a WA appointment tomorrow. I need to make the most of it. She is very good, very forthright.
Teeny, i will ask her about building emotional distance.
I have had a cry and then gone to the garden centre and got a hanging basket and some strawberry plants, and canes to plant out the sunflowers DS and i have been growing.
Then i need to tackle a giant mound of paperwork and start on work from my volunteering.
I feel a real need to 'disentangle' myself from all this and need tools and strategies, i think.

Thanks all, hope you enjoy the sun.

If anyone has any ideas for a 'list' for WA tomorrow i would be grateful.
Your outside perspective is invaluable.

I think the biggest thing is to work on how you can recognise your own needs/wants and be able to confidently prioritise them over the demands/actions/expectations of anyone else, without apology or explanation, even if they try to intimidate you/shout you down.

I think being able to do this would make all the difference to you.

(I obviously am not referring to your DS but to pretty much all the other adults in your life, majority of whom are toxic and don't have your interests at heart)

I still also think total clean break from him ie new phone number is needed. I honestly think that in order for you to move on, you need to stop letting him through the cracks and into your personal space. but maybe if you can work on developing the skills to put yourself as the priority in your own life this will come on time.

Re-read Desiderata

You want to make everything good for people who treat you badly because despite your appalling experiences you are a lovely, kind, caring person. No-one has been able to knock that out of you, no matter how much they've tried. But it does make it hard for you and I hope WA can help you. I don't know if you need a list. You could start with what you've just said - strategies for disentangling yourself from those who are still harming you. I think that's the key.
Whatever you might think, you are making tremendous progress and yes, we are SO proud of you.

Agree with Teeny

About to go in, post later.
He asked yesterday if there was any possibility of no strings sex
You're right, i need to try something other than not replying.
Thanks for being here for me

Jesus wept, what a fucking low-life loser he is! Keep ignoring the tosspot, you don't need that shit in your life.

"No strings sex"? - He doesnt see you as a person, Sure, just a thing there to service his wants. I repeat: he is a total fucking loser. I dont care about his hard upbringing, or the reasons why he is the way he is, he has absolutely no right to treat you like this. None. Whatsoever.

Telling you girl, work yourself up into a froth of wonderful righteous indignation, bite the bullet and get a new phone number. Cut this wanker off at the knees. If he cant contact you, you might actually experience a lightening of the load you are carrying, without his poison drip-drip-dripping into your life.

Hope today goes ok. Remember us Labyrinth-like mumsnetters, here for you, if you need us.

Hello,
WA yesterday was good, we did a few worksheets (love a worksheet!) and she managed to identify that i am doing anything i can to avoid being angry.

She asked me how i feel about what 'he's' done. I had teary eyes and said "frustrated" and "sad". She suggested angry but i wasnt feeling it.

She was saying that a lot of people see anger as bad, usually confusing it with aggression, which i think i do - my first thoughts on 'anger' are 'him' ranting and shouting at me/throwing things/using frightening language "you fucking bitch/cunt"etc as well as my dad shouting, smashing/breaking things, intimidating people/ abusive language etc.

I hadnt even thought of it but she pointed out that i was saying i dont hate 'him' (i dont), I dont feel angry.
She suggested that this is because i have been conditioned to not stick up for myself, that there is no point being angry or saying no. I agreed- the backlash just wasnt worth it.

So she's suggested ways of dealing with anger. This ties in Badgers with what you were just saying about getting angry.
I dont feel like an angry person. I dont feel hateful or angry, but this is what she was suggesting She gave an example: getting that message re no strings sex - get angry! Say "how dare you" and "fuck off".
Suggested channelling anger in ways like running, sport etc. Hitting a cushion with a bat.

I dont feel this anger or the need to do this...but maybe i need to try it?

What do you think?

Morning Sure

I'm up to eyes in work at the minute, but didnt want to read and run.

I think it's very interesting that anger has come up for discussion, and i think it is possible to feel anger and use it constructively ie to give you the motivation to change a set of damaging circumstances.

I think that if you were able to feel your anger you would be able to make it work for you, to help you escape the damaging situations you are in.

Many folk on your threads have been rip-roaring furious on your behalf, and it has been channelled by those people into trying to help you. By reading your posts, thinking about you, listening to what you have to say and by giving you some sorely needed validation that what you are thinking and feeling has merit and value: all these things have come about because so many folk are absolutely beyond fucking furious that you have been treated so badly by the very people who should have cared about you.

Does that make sense to you? Just trying to give you ways in which feeling anger doesnt necessarily mean a violent backlash: it can be used constructively.

I don't get angry often: it wasnt the done thing when i was growing up. And as you know, anger is often met with anger. But as i see and learn more about the world, I have found that feelings of anger can result in me becoming very productive, as well as on occasion forcing me out of comfort zones to change things in my life that sorely needed changing.

I think it is totally worth exploring for you x

Thanks Badgers.
WA lady suggested exercise - I have been looking up martial arts as i felt very angry in my early- mid 20s after certain events, and i really wanted to do kickboxing.
I looked up something a but more restrained, kung fu, which i thought would be good as its quite spiritual, also DS has said would like to do something like that.

But there was a pic on the website of people sparring, and i just felt scared.
I think its the thought of fighting with someone..punching and being punched. I know its not 'real' fighting but it jarred something in me, i'm not sure where from.
I could do punchbags maybe, but not people...
Am i equating this to the wrong thing IYSWIM?

Feeling like a massive wuss because I dont hold hate or anger. It hurts me. I've been so upset and out of control with emotions at times in my life when i've been hurt, i just shy away from anything like that. With 'him' i can't find any hate as deep as i dig.

I truly believe that love is the answer, and if its not feasible to love someone then turn away from them, rather than hate and wound and be hated and wounded in return.
I guess watching my parents take chunks out of each other influenced this.
That and living with my aggressive sister and mum.. sis used to go mental screaming and breaking things, horrible nasty mouth, abusive aggressive words and going for my mum verbally and physically -i used to have to drag her off mum.
Mum doing stuff to me like hitting slapping, in the car with her she went for me once, scratching at my face, pulling my hair etc, i jumped out the car (slow moving thankfully) and ran. I always hid or ran away and my greatest comfort as long as i can remember always has been somewhere to hide (trees), and a book.

I love being home alone or with DS with the doors locked and upstairs with a book and the window open watching the trees (like now!).

But do i just hide all my life because i am "sensitive" and dont have any self esteem or confidence?

Can't see a way forward at the moment. Thanks for stickin with me and my ramblings!

PS- Badgers hope work improves

Hi Sure, If you are interested in martial arts have you considered tai chi? I don't know much about it but I looked into clubs near me a while back and several them made a distinction between 'form' classes that focused on the movements, balance etc and the 'martial' classes that did partner work. So you could start with form and then see how you felt about the martial side later? Some also specifically said they focused on the self defenseman aspect not offensive so a club with that focus might be a better fit for you.

Otherwise, I find that something like running or swimming where you can channel all your energy into the actions (not sure if that makes sense) can help when my head feels all in a turmoil.

So much to think about. I too think anger is generally a very destructive thing, and you have been at the wrong end of it so many times that it isn't suprising you find it terrifying. As I've said many times, others who have been treated as you have, would be so full of anger and hate and would be dishing it out to anyone they are in contact with. You are different and that is why I think your WA lady feels it will be helpful for you to let a little of it into your heart.

Expressing anger, even if it's fake, will send a clear message to those who are still ill treating you. It's not ok and you will not stand for it. If you really feel it, you may be able to stop yourself looking for reasons for how they behaved and also stop you trying to reform them.

I am one of the people Badgers is talking about. I feel as if I really would be able to attack your parents, and 'him' and DS's dad and anyone else who's hurt you. (And given I'm a vegetarian / pacifist / general big softie that's saying something!) Doesn't mean that I would go and do something violent and you shouldn't fear that by allowing yourself to feel anger, you will lose control and be as bad as them.

I am also totally committed to the value of exercise - and I'm sitting here shattered after aerobics! - but it absolutely has to be something that you enjoy. Don't be afraid to try lots of different things and just don't go back if you don't enjoy it. Tai chi does sound like a good idea, and would definitely give you an insight into whether martial arts might suit you.

Will you be having another WA session soon? I think they are really good for you and much more productive than your earlier counselling sessions.

hugs

Hello, dear Sure. I can't get on here often enough to keep up with your thread very well, but I want to let you know that I'm still thinking of you, cheering you on and wishing you and your dear DS well. Also, here is a blogpost I really like about anger which may help with a different perspective on it. Hugs to you, you amazing lady.

Hi,
DS' dad has gone off with my lovely boy :( he was very tired and whingey/tearful poor boy.
Feel he needed lots of food, a cuddle in my bed and lots of happy stories read to him. But instead had to hand him overand wave him off with a smile (for his sake).
His dad isnt emotionally able to connect with him, i hope he's ok, DS asked me to ring him every day.

So im sitting in bed on my own. What i wouldn't give for a friend to go out for tea with, even if it was chips in the park.
No one to talk to (apart from MN), nothing to do.
I wish there was a friendship app like a dating app but so people like me could meet with someone like- minded and go out.

I thought about walking over the local pub with a book but it's Friday and sadly the thought of a group of rowdy men doesnt appeal. I know it sounds vain but i worry they would... i dont know!
Bloody 'him' and past men have made me quite paranoid.

Samething i loved that blog post, signed up to her newsletters. It was a good way of looking at the different aspects of personality and what they do for you, why they're important.

Wheretogo i like the tai chi idea. I like the idea that it could lead to a martial art, but less aggressive.
I have also found some local yoga classes which although not necessarily an outlet would let me stretch and feel my body, also some of the poses are quite hard.
Read some female testimonies on the kung fu website and they said it was the best thing they'd done and they felt so much more confident. Also able to defend themselves which made them more psychologically more confident. So I'd like to work up to that but feel too intimidated at the moment.
Or maybe i should just bite the bullet and explain my situation. I can't be the first woman going there for that reason.

Teeny your idea of faking anger to send a "not acceptable" message to abusers is great.
To practice "no" and being firm and "angry" sounds like a good strategy. Assertiveness is what i need. As well as a better opinion of myself.
I have another WA session next week. She says she loves working with me cause i do all the homework and understand all the theories and she can see i want to get the most out of it. As she said, it works for some women, not for others.

Also a vegetarian, Teeny so is DS, through choice! He adores animals and is a massive softie. He got loads of "Peng-wing" books out of the library this week and i could hear him cooing and "ahhh"ing over the fluffy babies hatching.
Gawd i miss him.

Hugs Sure x

I've had a crazy crap couple of days so fell into a bottle of wine tonight and need my bed.. I will check in with u tomorrow.

Look after yourself x

Hugs back, Badgers, hope you sleep well. Let me know how you are tomorrow. X
Took meself on a date to the Indian round the corner and read my book and ate pathia. Then a slow walk back the long way, navy sky and streetlights. Its sort of drizzling here but very still, the kind of humid night you can smell all the flowers in people's gardens .
Lovely. Night. X

I love nights like that, summer evenings are great. sounds like you went out and made a pleasant evening for yourself - good for you!

I slept well and feel better today, thank you Sure. Crazy week in work, was super busy, made a massive cock up which annoyed me and then to top it off i stretched and something went pop so been in a bit of pain since. popping pills and trying to not do any further damage!

Saw this and thought of you Sure: Hope you can see it. If not, it says:

The way people treat you is a statement of who they are as a human being. It's not a statement about you