Thank you.
She was trying to get some emotion out of me. She said "How did you feel when he raped you?" Apparently my face was blank when i said "nothing".
"It was just kind of normal". Then I said about how i hear his voice in my head saying it wasn't rape, i was just a bit pushy, you are overreacting, you always have to push it, you think everyone abuses you blah blah.
When i told her about what he said about how I am "so overemotional" and my "reactions are so extreme", she said "well i would say the opposite. You have endured years of controlling and traumatic verbal, emotional and sexual abuse and you think it was normal and you are completely unemotional when you talk about it."
So she thinks i'm suppressing a lot of emotion and its not good. She says she thinks its just a coping strategy i have developed "to keep yourself safe".
She wants it to come out which i'm not keen on, as i feel I've been keeping a lid on it ok recently!
My homework was to picture a container that when things come up for me, i need to put them in the box to deal with them later, to contain them.
Funny she said that cause i have recently got a box at home i have been throwing things in like the ring, letters from him i find, etc because i cant deal with them right now, but i don't want to just throw the ring away, i just don't know what to do with it.
The other homework is when i hear his voice in my head like above, just to say "no, you're wrong, this belongs to you not me, i'm not listening" and to push the thoughts back to him.
I am worried because of the high scores, i remember the same things happening when i first went to WA. When she assessed me as high risk and i was questioning myself like as if i had lied about something.
I know i haven't lied about anything.
I signed my statement in the eyes of the law and it was all the truth.
My scores for my symptoms i have been experiencing, even down to bad lower back pain all correlate with someone who has been abused.
But i can't reconcile it in my head, it just won't connect.
I hear "it wasn't rape, i didn't rape you, i'm not a rapist, you are always so overemotional, you're dangerous, you get people in trouble throwing words like abuse around, you think everyone is abusive toward you, your reactions are so extreme, you're mentally ill" and so on, and on , and on.
Maybe that's why i just close down.
I had never thought about it being disassociation before.
And you're right Badgers , I feel like i should be the one apologising.
I had SUCH a bad dream last night, DS and I were on some sort of ride, where we were going down on a kind of black slide under the ground, (cause there were crystals, we love crystals) and it was all dark, but something went wrong and we were trapped in this small space under the ground. I am massively claustrophobic and we were stuck, but DS was there i was all like "it's fine, we'll just wait here until someone comes and gets us out, it's ok".
But then all the lights went out and it was pitch black and i was still singing out "it's fine, they'll rescue us in a minute" and someone who was ahead of us, a man, had come back to where we were and he started grabbing me in the dark, sticking his fingers in me, breathing all over me, and went to try and have sex with me - its pitch black and i was still trying to hold on to and reassure DS while quietly fighting this man off me. I eventually managed to fight him off and we just sat there in the dark but it was ages and DS needed the loo and in my dream we were down there for days and ended up lying in our own and other peoples urine and shit that had come down the slide or whatever it was.
Then i was at my Nanna and Grandads house ( they are both dead and the house was sold in the 80s) and my mum had just told me not to tell anyone but she was leaving and never coming back - then she just left with a really disdaining look up and down at me.
I was trying to tell my dad what I've been through (in real life, about 'him' etc, my teenage yrs) and he was saying what do you expect? You were always the temperamental one, you always had to be different.
Then i managed to get out of the house (the doors were all locked) and ended up in a kitchen i didn't recognise where some guy that used to write me weird letters at school that i haven't thought about for decades was trying to rape me, then he stripped all my clothes off and his, and he was trying to kill me, like strangle me and stab me, we were wrestling and he brought out a gun and kept putting it to my head and laughing. I managed to grab it off him and was trying to shoot him but i just kept missing, it was like he was all slippery.
I think something happened where i smashed a bottle of something on him, and we were both wet and he went to stick his finger in the plug socket, and had hold of me, and he started juddering and smiling, being electrocuted and passing the current through to me, i was freaking out then i managed to pick up a plastic wrapped cucumber (!) and prise him off me and ran out slamming the door behind me (this reminds me directly of my mums old boyfriend chasing me and me slamming and trying to lock doors behind me to stop him getting me).
Running through this house i didn't know, slamming doors behind me to try and slow him down - i reached the front door ( still totally naked in the dream) and I remember thinking "maybe this is a dream and i can control whether this door to the street and safety and other people is locked or not" and then i woke up.
Wow that was long!!