Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

I'm still here, Sure

My DC loved bus and train rides too. A rare treat.

Hi again,
Badgers , I LOVE the film Labyrinth, i know exactly the scene you mean, and it made me feel a bit teary thinking of it, but that is a great way to describe it. Thank you. xx

DPotter, I would love a few ideas about things to do with DS. I feel a bit guilty as i have a lot of work to do and dont want him wasting away playing Lego City on the tablet for too many hours! We have already been to town to buy new shoes and get a gingerbread man. He has said no to the library today(usually a fan) but i think thats only because he wants to stay in and go on the tablet!

I have no idea how i'm going to get the work done. I've got a research proposal to write and an 1ntervent1on analys1s assignment, plus a group to plan that i started the idea for on placement. I am also staying on as a volunteer at the per1natal MH project, so i have a few things to do there.
I am going to apply for extenuating c1rcumstances and an extension, only thing is that student services said i need evidence and that means dragging everything back up.

I've already phoned the S. health clinic where i gave consent for them to write me such a letter, and WA today, cause i just cant face ringing the p0lice after how it got so bungled and how they handled everything.
It just drags it all up :(
I did get good news from WA though that my name has come up on the list for 'p@th sessions' whatever that is, from what i've learned on placement it seems to be therapy of some kind, possibly some sort of cbt based thing, whatever it is i'm massively grateful as although my counsellor i have seen a couple of times from my old town is great i dont think she really 'gets' the whole d0mestic/sexu@l abuse thing and these sessions are from WA and based around that kind of thing.

I have been struggling so much as my friend (who i went to the concert with that night that i met the PO in the car park to sign everything to drop the case) saw 'his' much younger half sister in a kebab shop a few weeks ago. They didnt know who the other was, but through talking about who they knew, soon found out. Apparently he told his family and friends (including mutual ones, some of whom i went to school with and used to play in a band with and who have since blocked me on FB) that i was lying and made completely false allegations and that the p0lice dropped the case despite me wanting to proceed and that it was them who dropped the ch@rges, not me! I feel sorry for his little sister as i always really liked her, and her opinion is based on lies. Even though her and my friend agreed to disagree on what happened, she said she thought it was a shame as she always thought i was lovely.

So he is lying about everything back where i used to live. I used to want to go home after i qualified but he is spreading poison for me there. He genuinely thinks he is the victim here and i'm just a crazy liar. Which is frightening. It almost makes the injustice at how the P0lice handled it even worse with the unfairness of it all. Even if i tried to tell the truth to people i dont really know its just gonna make me look nuts.

Oh and this afternoon i tried to put a subtle pastel pink wash on my blonde hair and its gone bright magenta!

..and hi Momagain, ptumbi and Teeny
Feels nice to be amongst friends. xx

Magenta hair - I've always wanted magenta hair ! My brain is a bit of the fussy side tonight but will give you suggestions for activities for DS tomorrow morning.

OK - brain back in gear.

Here's some ideas - another place to check out some others is Pinterest believe it of not. If you search under something like Boy's Crafts or Kids crafts you can get a vast range of ideas using recycling stuff or really cheap.
Growing mustard and cress packet of seeds - cotton wool (avoid kitchen roll it goes manky plastic container, newspaper. Takes about 20-30 mins
Balloon rockets, making a weather station straw aeroplanes, toilet roll areoplanes check them out on pinterest.
Outdoor activity wise a trip to the local park is as good as anything even if the weather isn't too brilliant. Will get you both out of the house with some fresh air. Will tire DS and get some oxygen to your brain for the studying side.
I always have the greatest respect for people who take on uni / college courses when they have family / work as well. Please don't be afraid to ask for help. It sounds as if you are studying for a caring role, and the 1st person you need to take care of is yourself.

Hi Sure

I am very glad the reference to Labyrinth was understood and taken in the spirit in which it was meant - and you don't just think I was talking like a crazy lady! When you think about that in future, you can imagine all the Labyrinth creatures dancing around you supplemented by a few additions from MN! x

I think you are doing the right thing by asking the organisations around you for support in getting an extension/extenuating circumstances. You have been coping with such a lot, the fact that you are doing as well as you are is a testament to your strength but there is nothing wrong with taking any help you can. Many others before you will have pleaded extenuating circumstances for much less than what you have gone through.

As for "him" being an ongoing cunt and badmouthing you in your home town: try not to think about it if you can. I know you had future hopes for going back there but try just to focus on the here and now. Unfortunately the police let you down and that has made things very difficult and even more upsetting for you, but you will get past this in time.

We have always said that unfortunately "he" will NEVER acknowledge the hurt and damage he has caused you, It just isnt in his DNA. Somehow and someway you will have to find your path away from him and the carnage he caused, knowing in your own self that there are many people here [and in RL organisations] who believe you, and have done so for a long time.

And if anyone EVER dares to say anything to your face about him some time in the future, well, maybe be prepared from this day onways to just say "You do know that there are always two sides to every story, don't you?"....and then walk away.

If you can find it in you leave it at that you will win more than you ever will trying to explain the horror of what he has done. Dignified silence might not feel like a win to you, but it prevents giving strength to "him" by getting upset and allowing others to believe his version of you because you got "overly emotional" [Please note, this is what "he" would say, not what I am saying]

Look after yourself and I hope you have some nice times with your DS over the Easter Hols: DPotter had some great suggestions there for things to do!

Sure, it is a recurrent theme on the relationships threads; the need for him to 'realise' what he has done, the damage, the pain, the suffering caused.

They never do. It is minimised, rewritten, ignored, brushed away... - the reality is changed to suit themselves. It is a huge step, to realise that nothing you can do or say, will make them face up to what they have done! They don't, and never will.

(Magenta hair? i was on a train the other day opposite a Goth - black hair overlaid with green, white face, drawn-on eyebrows, black lips, leather, studs, pointy things... and the most adorable black shoes with little cat-faces on! She was quite scary-looking, but as I got off, I said 'I love your shoes!' and she smiled a really shy smile....

I bet you look knock-out)

Badgers- i did smile at the phrase "ongoing cunt".
You're right. The hardest thing to come to terms with is that he genuinely thinks he's done nothing wrong and that he's the victim in all of this.
And ptumbi, i think i know the cat shoes you mean. I used to be a bit of a goth when i was younger, though i never dyed my hair completely black.
You might laugh but I'm going for hypnotherapy today, to address my low self esteem. Its so ingrained that i don't think counselling ie going over things is really doing anything any more. My low self opinion has been there since i can remember. Probably since birth.
All the learning i did on placement regarding attachment theory really resonated with me :(

Hi Sure

Will be interested to hear what you think of the hypnotherapy..... Never tried it myself but been tempted a few times to explore it, I do find it interesting. I dont think any of your supporters on here would laugh at you giving it a go. I actually think most of us would be very supportive of you taking positive steps to improve your life, and sometimes you have to give things a go to see if they will work for you. Remember when you first came on here and were terrified to make a phone call to ask for help? You have come so far!

I only know a little bit about attachment theory but I can see how it makes sense.

Attachment theory basically about your relationship with mum (or caregiver ) from birth, if poor it can affect your entire life :( it has a massive affect on the way yr brain develops.
My mum never particularly liked me and 'he' was born prematurely and his dad used to beat him and his mum turned a blind eye.
So I can see how it all contributed.. in my futile search as to 'why', i'm educating myself beyond belief but it still doesnt make me feel any better.
I'm still so completely gutted. I know im not a bad person and all the psychological stuff and read all the books and it all makes sense but it just doesn't make it any better.
Hypnotherapy was v relaxing and i was definitely in a trance like state when she did the relaxation, but I'm worried because beforehand she was explaining a load of stuff i already know. Indeed she said she said she felt like she was telling me things i know already cause of what ive learned.
But she also said i relaxed into the hypnosis v quickly and that bodes well.
I can sort of see what she's doing cause during the relaxation she's talking about water finding its way round rocks and other such imagery so ive spotted that she's talking to my unconscious mind telling it to form new pathways around problems and the waves on the beach erasing previous patterns in the sand etc, but i don't know whether thats good or bad that ive spotted it IYSWIM!
Got my period 9 days late and feeling bit weepy today. 'He' is 40 this weekend and he's having a big party his friends are organising for him. They've hired somewhere out for him. They all want to cheer him up after the 'hard time' he's had over the last 6 months apparently.
My 30th i spent on my own apart from DS and went to bed early. What does that say about me?
Some days i feel normal and some i feel heartbroken.

Growing an emotional brain:
Attachment

Ive just been re-reading my first thread.
I wonder if MN will move this one back to Relationships now I'm not talking about you-know-what now?

Hi Sure

I imagine you could always start a new thread and include links to your previous threads - i don't think that would break any rules? If necessary put a wee disclaimer that this thread got moved to mental health because you were in a very dark place but going forwards you would prefer to post in relationships for traffic/visibility?

The hypnotherapy sounds very interesting.... I don't think it matters if you are aware of what message is being 'planted' - it is good that your mind is receptive. And if nothing else, the deep relaxation is a good thing!

As for feeling normal some days, heartbroken others: i think that is totally normal. Grief comes in waves....some days the water is calm, other days you feel like you are drowning. In time there will be more normal days for you....just keep taking baby steps, focus on your life, you have a great future ahead of you so keep looking forward....hold on tight to that and your lovely DS and you will be OK.

Sure, I firmly believe that any therapy that you think may work and doesn't harm you is worth trying. There are some, like homeopathy, that I think are a waste of money, but I wouldn't put hypnotherapy in that category.

I wonder if you have hit on the way forward for you when you talk about counselling going over old ground. Maybe you need a more positive approach. I've seen adverts for 'solution-based hypnotherapy' and maybe that's what you experienced.

As Badgers says, the relaxation alone will do you good.

Happy Easter to you and DS. Enjoy whatever you do.

Hello again.
Things to do...
Bottle or three of diet coke ( big bottles), a few packs of mentos sweets. Funnel the mentos in to the coke and stand well back. (Best done in a garden or field with camera poised)

Good to hear from you sure.

Badgers, I have been meaning to ask if your husband has found anything good work- wise?
Yes I suppose the relaxation is a good thing. She gave me a cd i am supposed to listen to, so i might do that before bed.

Teeny, yes i was wondering about hypnotherapy- guess i have only heard about the stage-entertainment kind, but someone i know was talking about this lady and how the person that went to her was having no success with counselling so went for this with good results.
Like i said, I have read all the books, studied all the theories, gone over everything many times..tired of going over it.

The way she explained it is that although she needs my background ( i emailed her a summary of what has been going on) she focuses on basically us writing a shopping list of what i want the future me to look like and she gets me there. Sounds very like this solution- focused hypnotherapy you've seen.
She used a good analogy of when you are horse riding and you come back from the ride and the horse knows where it's stable is and you are riding along the path and it goes to turn off the way its always gone, out of habit. If you want to make it walk past the turning it will put up a fight and be difficult to steer.
But you have built the horse a new fabulous stable along the road and in a different direction, the horse doesnt know that and will still want to go along the road its always gone, you just have to put a bit of effort into training it to go along to its new fabulous stable, and after a while, once it knows there is a great new stable that will become its default route.

Thanks for the mentos idea letsgo, sounds right up DS' street! He'd love that!
He has decided he's not going to his dads "ever", theres a story behind that :( I feel for him. I'm not gonna make him go.

So we havent done much today, we've both been a bit under the weather, with period pains on top for me today- duvet on sofa day with some Shaun the Sheep dvds!

Happy Easter to everyone.

'He's' 40 today.
Dwelling on it.
Wrote him a poem. Its not very nice. Not sure whether to post it.

Prob not a good idea, Sure! Keep it, burn it, post it on here, but don't send it. It won't make you feel any better, it won't make him feel worse.

you know he's a rapist, who mentally and sexually abused you, and that is the only opinion you need. I personally hope he has a crap party, gets totally wiped out on cheap vodka and has the mother af all hangovers for days ! There.

Shaun the Sheep! I love Aardman animations stuff, but cannot stand that Vic Reeves narrator. Same reason I can't stand Bob the builder - Neil Morrison? My dc loved it tho...

Ohhh i didn't mean post it to him!!
I meant on here! :)
I'm with you on bob the bloody builder.
And Charlie Bear, I can't stand James Corden!
The poem is about his party. And all the lies.

Oh ok then! Go on! If you want...

Hi Sure

That horse/old stable/new stable explanation is excellent...very apt for you as you move on and forward with your life. I do agree that solution based therapies that can help you move forward might be better for you now.... Anything that helps you take a new path away from all the old, horrible destructive habits/behaviour/people is good.

Thanks for asking about my hubby/work situation..... Unfortunately there has been nothing at all for him. The job situation in our area has been pretty dire for a good while now, job losses being reported nearly every day on the news. We are definitely still in austerity measures in our part of the world. He does have an interview lined up after Easter so fingers crossed. But in reality we can get by OK, not in dire straits or anything...v fortunate as I believe my job is secure for the next couple of years at least.

That's what I need, a path around and away from it all.
Sorry to hear about your husbands work situation, fingers crossed for the interview after Easter.

40 years of fear
How hollow it must feel
To celebrate with those you have filled so full of lies
That believe you someone you wish you were
Do you see the flies on your cake as the colour drains from it
The spit in your beer foam
Your 40 candles flicker into the light from the bathroom where a 4am flannel is held on sore flesh
Can you hear the desperate sobbing as they sing you Happy Birthday?
These people aren't here for the real you
And you're too scared to unmask the truth
Why else do your guts drop with dread every day?
I know. Because you know what you are.
Happy Birthday Fucker.