Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

and when needed!

Ha ha Badgers, i'm quaffing a right now!
I had my 2nd WA appointment today, we talked a lot about my childhood actually, and she came out and said I was abused by my mum and dad as a child. Which was quite hard to hear.
It kind of started when i said i was at uni and a girl in my group is sooooo negative, whatever you say she'll start moaning about it and finding the bad things. The other day she was up at half six and then she has to drop her child at nursery which is fully funded, not only that her mum and her partner she lives with help with childcare and pick ups etc. Not to mention housework.
SHe was moaning, and everyone was going ohhhh poor you, how do you do it?
I sat there thinking I have no one. Absolutely no one. No one to ask to have DS while i go out for the evening, no one to take the slack if i'm ill, no one to come round for a cuppa, no one to cuddle at night, I was up at 6.30 this morning like i am pretty much every day, my childcare has been completely stopped, i get no funding at all, but why would i start moaning at uni?
She doesnt know how lucky she is.

WA lady says she thinks i am grieving- i got emotional at not having a mum. Its not even like shes dead, just rubbish.

Grieving for the parents i should have had. Grieving for wanting a mum i'll never have.
Grieving for the baby my mum manipulated me into getting aborted when i was younger (worst thing in my entire life). Grieving for my Nanna who was the only person in the world who loved me unconditionally and who died when DS was a week off his 1st birthday. Grieving for the family i thought i'd get with DS dad, the future i thought i had with 'him'.

I think maybe that is what xmas was about, that awful time when i took to my bed and watched the sky. Grieving. I dont know.

SHe (WA lady) was pushing me to try and connect with my feelings i think. She's very good. But i am drained now!

In happy news i ran my baby course earlier and got to do one on one chatting with a pregnant mum while giving her a hand massage and she cried, (not cause of the massage!) but because of what we talked about, she said she thinks it was fate her friend invited her to come to the group this morning and I said we have loads of ways we can help change her thinking, make things easier for her.
Sometimes it makes you cry if people are nice to you, thats what i've found.
I REALLY love what i do. Being there for these ladies is a privilege, they inspire me.
But i am really tired!

Hi Sure

Grief is a very powerful thing, and unfortunately although we can put it off, eventually it WILL catch up with you. I think you have put such a lot of effort into day to day survival, and have done so for such a long time, that you have pushed all those sad feelings down deep inside and now that you are moving on and are in a safer place and time, all that stuffed down emotion is coming to the surface. It is a hard place to be, but maybe in the long run, it has to happen.

And do you know what? That is OK. Yourfeelings are totally valid, you are allowed to have them and you are allowed to grieve for the life you wanted but haven't had.....just remember to enjoy the good bits of the life you do have as well - your DS, your course.

Oh, and its OK to want to smack the whingey mare complaining about her lot in life: that's a fairly normal reaction to one of life's whingers!

I have had some counselling sessions in the past and drained is a fairly normual state to be in afterwards - be kind to yourself over next few days.

I had a post work meeting this evening that took 2.5 hours plus my half hour commute....it has been a looooonnng day and my head is spinning! So I too will be having a cheeky wee glass of

Sure, I have just caught up with you and your thread. You are moving through some very powerful things right now. Your dreams are vivid and your daily life seems vivid too.

I am so pleased to see you are still here and still working on your course and with WA. There is so much change in the posts you make now compared to 6 months ago. I feel humbled to read them and happy to see how much ground you are covering. It is not an easy journey and you will experience hard times again, but you are armed with knowledge and a self confidence that seems to brim from your posts now.

I wish you strength to keep going through the hard times and I hope that you also get some soft times too.

Sending love x

Allergies wearing me out so I am off to bed, but had to check in on you first though, Sure. Glad your day went well.

Hope you have a good weekend Sure x

Thank you.
I am really trying to hang in there til the end of term- a month. Got 2 assignments to do. Have barely started.
Got an extension (3 wks) but its been really awkward when everyone else has had to hand one of their assignments in today and keep asking me how it's gone.
Thing is if i let on ive got an extension then people (esp one particularly nosy one in my group) will start asking why and i dont want it to define me.
Uni is where i use my smarts, the intelligence i wasn't allowed to show when i was younger, it is a different space where i am judged on different criteria, where i push myself to learn and do and to be better. I get fair rewards there for hard work and understanding.
I dont know if that makes any sense. Ive had 2 glasses of !
Momagain i hope your allergies are better, Badgers i hope you are also glad its Friday and having a well-deserved .
Orangefusion hi and thank you so much for your love and wishes of strength.

It means a lot. Thanks all of you. X

I know what you mean about wanting to define yourself based on the here and now. And how awkward not to have a ready answer for that sort of nothing question. Can you manage a vague, 'bit of a struggle, how about you?' With luck, they take the bait and start talking to you about their struggle, or not. They never notice you didnt say much about your work.

Break the assignments down into do-able bites. You can get there.

Its just so hard to concentrate. It's "Muuuuummmm" every 2 minutes meaning i just can't read or write anything on a concept He's milling about wanting attention or food. Which is what 6yo's do.
If i put him on the tablet he is distracted but he starts breathing funny (tense?) And when i ask him to get off he's in the most foul rude mood, almost like a bad attitude so i dont like him going on there. I know I'll be in for it when he gets off.
But there is no other way of occupying him than with a screen. And while I'm working I'm stressing cause i know its bad for him (him personally, I'm sure loads of kids play on it and are fine).
I'm premenstrual (i think, my last period was 10 days late, and this one is 4ish days late -my periods are all over the place) and feeling really stressed. I cant do it after he goes to bed cause I'm shattered, i fall asleep in with him after story most nights then wake up and feel awful and toss and turn all night.
Really i don't know what the answer is. Neither him nor my assignments are getting ANY quality time. I did take him out after school earlier in the week as i had an afternoon off uni and we went to feed the ducks and went out on a pedalo on the lake and had ice cream.
We were sitting on a bench eating our cones and watching the lake and he had his head on my shoulder and said "I love being with you Mum".

I know. It will be so much easier when he is a wee bit bigger and can read chapter books.

What's he doing on the tablet? Educational type games or more exciting things? Mine used to be OK withit, before he discovered 'real' games and he was just doing ABC123 type games.

Can you explain the importance of Mummy's homework (so Mummy can have a better job to take care of him)? And set him up at the other end of the table with a project? Whether workbooks or coloring books, or a Lego project. Can you 'train' him to leave you alone until the little hand on the clock points to ( or use a timer)? Then give your self a break and him some attention. i would just set it for 10 minute blocks, and tomorrow for 15.

He is a smart boy, he would probably adjust to this pretty well. For just 10 minutes he has to either sort his own problem, or put it in the'waiting' spot for your break and do something else.

Good luck.

Would setting your alarm early and working with the morning chorus help? I'm not the only person I know (busy working mums/single mums with academic work to do and hectic evenings) who has found that a handy tactic. I used to get just under an hour of really good study in before normal alarm time at 6.45 am. A big pot of tea helped!

Hi Both,
Momagain , he was playing angry birds and 'King of Maths' but he was getting worked up when he kept getting bits wrong on the little 'tests' they do to get to the next level, or asking me 'whats the answer to this one Mum?' every 2 minutes.
He has been playing 'Simcity Build it' the last couple of days, which he really seems to like. Its slower and he likes building, its more of a project which is good.
Most of the weekend has been spent up at the park at the miniature steam railway where he's been 'working' ie clipping tickets on open day and assisting the drivers, and mending/cleaning engines when its not open day. The old boys love him, one has donated him a teeny boiler suit and one a drivers hat. Another brought him a massive jam and cream scone which ended up all over his face with the coal dust! He really is a cutie and I adore seeing him so happy.
While he was 'helping' I managed to get a couple of hours reading in on an uncomfortable chair, but not writing apart from some brief notes.

Letsgo maybe i need to start getting up earlier. What time do you usually go to bed if you want to get a good hour in? Any more tips? :)
Think i may need to invest in a teapot, have always wanted one anyway.

Was in groupwork again today, they were all going on about their assignments and freaking out, and I heard the words from a poem in my head:
"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs" - not sure where it is from but it popped in! Positive thinking and keeping my own counsel is really my only hope. And posting on here!

'He' is still making trouble. Playing the one who has been wronged. Throwing nastiness. Insults, it really is scary how he thinks i'm completely dramatic and he is just an innocent nice guy. I havent been responding but it still comes, whatever i block. I guess i am starting to see through the lies, manipulation and rewriting history, with support from this thread and now WA.

There was a thread on here asking whether anyone had come into contact with a psychopath and I have been thinking he ticks all the boxes! :(

In the Mumsnet/Labyrinth theme I really want to get to the point at the end of the film where he is saying "let me rule you, love me, fear me" and she says "you have no power over me".

Bugger! Had written a post and sodding tablet lost it. Try again. what I had tried to say was this:

The road may be a long one Sure but you are well on your way along it my friend: you maybe don't realise it or feel it much but the strength and positivity you have is shining out of this post. You say you want to get to point of "You have no power over me" with regards to the arse who is still trying to get a reaction out of you. The truth is, you have the power and control already...and if you feel yourself wobbling/wavering, just remember that (Labyrinth-style) we are here for you "if you need us" .

That's a good aim, Sure, and you WILL get there. You're a fair way along the right path.

Can I second the getting up earlier idea? It can work, and give you a boost before exhaustion catches up with you. And definitely get a teapot - we have a lovely polka dot one which cheers me up just to look at it!

You can also work at the other end of the day, and I did this once when I was teaching, finishing a dissertation and looking after my twins. I couldn't believe how many more hours were available if I didn't bother with sleeping. I got it done, but you can't do it for long before you keel over - I'm not sure why I didn't spot the obvious flaw in my plan! I think the morning would be better for you as you could go to bed quite early to make it more sustainable. What do you think?

Is there any way you could exchange a bit of child care with some of the Beaver Mums? Or adopt a granny/grandad at the railway? Anything to give you some quality work time.

The quotation is from Kipling's poem, 'If'. Poems are good for inspiration - I only know a few by heart, but they are great for distracting your mind when it wants to panic, and they give me such pleasure.

KOKO, and and and , especially the !

Just saying a mid-week hello

Not experienced to comment on the 'him' stuff but you are getting sound advice here.
Teapots however....make a cuppa into an event rather than a drink. I insist you get one immediately. And a tea cosy. V important if you want a hot top up rather than a tepid top up.
What time does the boy go to bed? I suggest potter around in the evening after he has gone to sleep. Forget the tv ( it's mostly crap) and do things like lunch prep for the next day and other things that will save you time in the morning, then potter off to bed with a milky drink and maybe a drop of brandy or whisky in it for good snoozes at about 9.30 secure in the knowledge that you can relax cos you have set the alarm to give you plenty sleep.
I used to get up about 5.45, pot of tea and cosy dressing gown. Work from 6-7 then shower and start the day as I would have if I'd set my alarm for 7 as usual. Still plenty time for an 8 hour kip and much smugness.
if you are a 'morning person' the brain will work better then than at the end of a long busy day.

Ohhhh dear my plan didn't go according to er, plan.
Last night i fell asleep at 8 cuddling DS (he's really clingy at the moment and was crying cause he doesn't want to go to his dads this weekend- which was my only chance to get some proper work done before hand in of one of the assignments)
I then woke up at 10.30pm thought right went straight into my bed to carry on sleeping, except i couldn't as period pains were horrendous even after painkillers and hw bottle, so i got to sleep about 1.30am, then woke at 4 in a mess tmi sorry and had to change, then DS decided to come in at 5!!

Really you have to laugh.. xx

Ah well, these things happen. Dont beat yourself up about it, just try again tonight for an early night if you can.

DS supposed to be going to his dads tonight. Last night he cried and said he doesnt want to go, i guess i'll just have to see what happens when his dad turns up.
Don't like it when he's gone. House is so quiet.
I tried to sit down with my work for half an hour but i cant seem to focus my mind at all.
WA appt this week was good, avoided crying.
I guess i cant believe how 'he's still in my head. On weds I ran the mums and tots group with my educator and afterwards she was praising me and how i am with people - she said I "have a lovely, very gentle way, very calming and people feel they can talk to you, you come across as accepting and open".
All i could think was him saying "I've seen you interacting with other people, you come across like you're a really lovely person, you seem really nice - but I know you're an utter cunt".
When will it just go away? If its not him its my mum. When i'm stood up talking in front of the group, in my head its "You think you're so great, what do you know about it. No one wants to hear what you've got to say".
Just....tired :(

Thank you all for your posts as always xx

Hey Sure

Glad it went OK at WA and you think it is a good thing for you. Don't worry about crying, it is a safe environment for you to let some of the toxic stuff out and you won't be judged for it. Keeping it all in is bad for you.

Struggling with some stuff today myself, and although not in the same league as the shite you have gone through, just want to say that lots of us have those negative voices in our heads and they are so hard to deal with. We get it. Yours are particularly damaging because of the people who should have been your supporters were instead total cunts and treated you like that and made you feel so small. The thing is, you don't have to have those people in your life. You can choose to leave them to it.....and you have already demonstrated that you do have the strength to walk away. And you are surrounding yourself with folks who will give you positive reinforcement. You just have to believe what they tell you: your educator, WA, us mumsnetters....it's a choice, and one I believe you are strong enough to make.

Hope you are able to make progress on some coursework this weekend xx

A friend linked to a tactic for dealing with that 'critical voice'. It was a Fb link. I will try and find it...,,,,,,

It was on a site called psych central and the article is called
A Surprising Way to Quiet Your Inner Critic By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.
Associate Editor

i feel bad that I havent checked in on you, Sure. DS is back withyou now? Did you get some work done?

I think most of us do have a voice, or more, trying to hold us back. You can learn to ignore it and listen to yourself and others who know the real you, who turns out to be too calmly strong for your mum or him to handle. Trust your instructor, they don't say good things without good reason!

Sure, write out what your educator said. Exact words if possible. Put quotation marks around it. Stick it somewhere you'll see it regularly.

(You could also write his words down in tiny writing. Then put them somewhere nasty. Toilet. Bottom of the bin. Scribble them out and jump up and down on them first. Burn them. Whatever feels right.)

We all know which words are true. And so do you.

Badgers, sending you strength. Lovely, kind people don't deserve to struggle.

Thanks Teeny - it's all low level stupid stuff getting me down, but i think I am one of those people who will always struggle a bit with positive mental health.