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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

925 replies

surereadyforchange · 19/11/2014 14:46

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
TeenyfTroon · 20/01/2015 10:35

Sure, can you imagine Sure, the OT, visiting Sure the patient/client - not sure(!) of the right term - what would you suggest? It wouldn't be along the lines of 'Tough, it's your own fault, get on with it', would it?

Your tutor and the person who got you out of the toilets sound nice. I'm glad there was some understanding and compassion.

I've said before about the need to find the right counsellor for you. Also, they're like dentists and hairdressers (and every other occupation that you need qualifications for!) - they might all have the right bits of paper, but some will be better than others. Add in the personality fit and previous experience and it's not that easy to strike gold.

You may be perfectly happy with the one you have, but it's worth thinking about.

As Letsgo said earlier, you can carry on when things are just about ok, but it doesn't take much to tip you over the edge. Think of it as a very full glass of water. You can carry it very carefully and avoid spilling it, but a few extra drops of water will make it overflow. You need to get your water level down a bit, and a good counsellor will help you do that.

Lots of waffle but I am thinking of you!

Letsgoforawalk · 20/01/2015 21:05

I'm thinking of you too, keeping an eye on the thread and hoping that no posts mean things are bobbling along ok.
Brew
Cake

plainjanine · 21/01/2015 13:03

Hi Sure, I've been lurking for a while.

I think you should be rightly very proud of your son, because he managed to get his apology in for being a grump even before you did. And that is the result of the brilliant job you are doing bringing him up to be a good person, with a proper sense of right and wrong and how to behave. So don't beat yourself up about shouting at him. Also, you are teaching him you can both apologise for doing something bad, and then move on and get over it, not hold a grudge about it and have it fester between you. I honestly think you don't realise what a great mother you are being to him.

You say the ex has been texting you? Did the police not tell him to cease all contact? I thought he would be breaking the law if he tried to contact you again? Sounds like he needs plod to remind him of that...

ImpossibleGirl · 21/01/2015 14:30

You ok sweetie? Just checking in to see how your week has started off. Flowers

Momagain1 · 22/01/2015 23:54

The girl who rescued you from the toilet is a hero!

If your ex is narcissistic, nothing anyone says, not even a judge or jury, will make a blind bit of difference. Even if he seems to come around in some tiny degree on one action, by the time you draw a breath, he will already have rewritten it in his head to make it even less his failt or problem than it was. He will get worse and worse. You must continue to block him from everything you can, and hope he finds another target.

It is possible to have your screen name be different than your 'real' name on facebook. On Facebook, do a search for different arrangement of your name and initials, and use whichever one has multiples as your official name. List the absolute minimum of other information, or even put nonsense like you live in the Night Garden and you attended school at Hogwarts or some other fictional school. You can build your persona with whatever you like, really. If anyone ever questions it in future, say it is done for security and privacy. All of this can be changed later, if you feel safer.

Then create a nickname. It can sound something like your name or nothing like any name at all. It can be related to the nonsense above, or not. Make it short & easy to spell though, so classmates can recall it. This is the name you share with trusted people. It will be searchable to the degree your settings allow.

Don't put your picture for the avatar, put a picture of some art creation of your ds or yourself. Or your ds favorite animal. Or yours.

ptumbi · 23/01/2015 09:02

momagain1 is right, Sure. I know several police/army officers who have changed their user names, and profiles, as security heightens in the UK. They simply can't afford to use their real names. You could do that, and pm your friends to follow your new name (How about Surely Valentine! Grin)

Just a thought. Hope you are KOKO. And change your phone number - and any other method he has of contacting you. You just don't need to know what is going through his head. You dont need to know what he's doing, or not doing. WHY is he even still in contact? he's such a loser.

Jux · 23/01/2015 09:28

I have a fake fb page. It is very useful. I have several in fact, and use them for different things/groups/people.

Momagain is right about him having rewritten everything in his head to make him the victim. Even if he went to Court, found guilty and ended up in prison, he would not believe he did anything wrong - he'd be another Ched Evans. He won't believe ill of himself and will contort himself and everything around him the make himself believe he is not at fault.

Wash your hands of him. Visualise yourself in the centre of a circle of healing protective white light.

DPotter · 23/01/2015 11:58

Hi Sure
How's things this week ? Flowers

PacificDogwood · 25/01/2015 11:03

Hi, sure, I've been away for a while so have just caught up with events.

As ever, you deserve a ruddy huge medal for how you are coping with things.

Your description of your school and home life (again!) broke my heart (again Sad).

If your counsellor is helping you, that's great of course, but with all the longstanding and repeated trauma you've been through, I'd very seriously consider seeing your GP and getting referred to Clinical Psychology for more in depth and longer standing therapy (maybe even psychotherapy? Disclaimer: I am not an expert).
You need to find a way to not base your worth and your self-worth on the opinions of others - your head has been messed with so thoroughly and repeatedly and by so many different sources that you have been rendered blind to the person we see. Gawd, it makes me so angry!!

Maybe that would work for you: don't get sad, get angry?! Wink

Hoping you are having a nice weekend with DS Thanks

TeenyfTroon · 02/02/2015 22:58

How are you getting on, Sure?

surereadyforchange · 05/02/2015 16:39

Hi all,
I am still here, I will aim to update soon.. Thank you for checking in xx

OP posts:
IPokeBadgers · 05/02/2015 18:43

Another one checking in...hope all well with you Sure

TeenyfTroon · 05/02/2015 21:34

It would be good to have a sort of 'like' button so you could see that we're still here but don't want to put any pressure on you to update. As Pacific said earlier, it's your thread to use as you choose. But we do still care about you.

PacificDogwood · 05/02/2015 21:50

ThanksBrewCake

Smile
TeenyfTroon · 05/02/2015 22:41

Ok, good idea, so FlowersBrewCake= we're still here if you need us.
Smile

Jux · 06/02/2015 11:51

Yes, Sure. We'll be around, so just put the call out, as it were, and we'll come! Thanks

surereadyforchange · 06/02/2015 23:07

Hiya.
I suppose I just feel like I should be updating with a message of hope, forging ahead with my life, achieving and being all independent and free... I feel like a bit of a disappointment saying that I am still struggling, I cry a lot and still feel stuck and isolated. I don't see anyone at all. DS' dad blatantly seeing someone as getting at me has has tailed off (interest elsewhere) and he's even less interested in DS/ seeing him than usual. I am still gutted about the police bungling, kind of allergic to them now, get a bad feeling when I see a police car.
Kind of don't know what Im doing really. Any support tailed off really quickly, GP ignored me saying I didn't want medication and prescribed me sertraline, which I didn't pick up and I haven't seen her since then, haven't heard from WA, or police, or the counselling GP was on about me having at the S3xual Assau1t centre. Actually, a couple of weeks ago a nurse from the s3xual health clinic (non- specialist one) rang to see if I was ok which was nice of her.

Other than that, nothing. I'm still really tired but I cant sleep properly. I heard from 'him' calling me "mentally ill" and when I said aren't you even sorry, he said "sorry for what?".
On placement at the moment which is hard as it involves mental health!!
Hope everyone is well :) Flowers

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IPokeBadgers · 07/02/2015 13:06

Hey Sure

Don't think anyone expects a happy clappy update from you....too much has happened and that's not going to remedy itself in a few weeks. How is placement going? Appreciate it is hard but are you enjoying some of it? Can you feel that it is taking you in the right direction?

Have you tried to follow up re: the counselling? Sorry to say this, but you will probably have to fight for it....make follow up calls and bug the GP until you get it. Don't take the lack of follow up support personally.... All the support services are up against it and priority will be given to those who are "in their line of sight" for want of a better phrase.

Worried that you have had contact from "him"..... Please don't get sucked back in when you have come so far.

Flowers
Letsgoforawalk · 07/02/2015 16:09

I second what badger said. This is RL not a Disney movie so don't feel bad if things are still messy and difficult.
Were you able to be honest with the nurse that rang up and tell her that you were not ok?
I would hate to think you had been taken off a "needs help" list for counselling because of a phone call that resulted in getting you listed as "ok now"
FlowersBrewCake

Letsgoforawalk · 07/02/2015 16:11

Oh, and, thank you for checking in.
Grin

TeenyfTroon · 09/02/2015 12:28

Badgers and Letsgo are right. This is RL and it would be lovely to hear that all was hunky dory. But you're on a long road and the important thing is to keep moving forward in tiny steps and when you can't actually move forward to hang on and try not to go backwards.

Is there any counselling available through uni?

The police were useless to you, but 'he' knows that you called on them and could well do so again, so I don't think it was a complete waste of time.

Still thinking of you and wishing you well. Flowers

DPotter · 09/02/2015 12:51

Also wishing you well Sure on this lovely sunny Monday morning.

Could you take a bit of time to phone the GP & ask about the Counselling referral ? You would need an appointment just leave a message. In fact could you even self refer ?

PacificDogwood · 10/02/2015 20:51

sure Thanks

You have no idea what an achievement it is that you are still standing.

PP are oh so right: this is not a Hollywood movie, but RL and you are not 'just' dealing with the events of the last year, but abuse that goes back to your childhood.

Keep breathing, keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep being the devoted mum to your DS that you are and your life will unfold as it must.
Be very kind to yourself.
Please post if it is helpful to you to write things down or if any of our comments can be supportive of you; don't post if it is just another demand on your time and energy.
Brew

IPokeBadgers · 11/02/2015 09:06

Hi Sure

Thinking about you. Was wondering if it would help you feel less isolated [in general] if you came here and told us about your day: how you are getting on in placement, what your thoughts and feeling are about it, just general chit chat. Was just thinking about what you said about feeling isolated and wondered if touching base with others about all the little day to day things might lift you up a little?

Was just a thought really, we would be happy to hear from you whatever you have to say, so please dont be thinking you havent anything important to say. Sometimes just sharing the little things, maybe something sweet or funny your DS said, can be a real boost.

However, if you dont think it would be helpful, no worries. In direct contradiction to the above, I do agree with Pacific: Please post if it is helpful to you to write things down or if any of our comments can be supportive of you; don't post if it is just another demand on your time and energy.

Keep on keeping on Sure, you are doing really well, even if it doesnt feel like it sometimes.

surereadyforchange · 12/02/2015 02:08

So nice to know someone is thinking of me. So thank you Flowers

My car broke down last night, I'm having a horrendous period with excruciating pains/fatigue and headaches, trying to hold down placement.
Landlord trying to drag me into disputes with previous letting agent.
My mother has been emailing me (only contact details she has for me) to nag that DS should meet my sisters 1yo daughter -because "its not fair that she doesnt have little cousins like *** (my DS). Nothing from my sister herself or a mention that it might be nice for DS.. its always been about my sister and keeping her happy and now its about her DD. Exactly why I'm not interested in putting myself or DS through it.

Thinking about him and how he's made me feel utterly worthless at times. Has anyone seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? I'd like him erased like that.
How is everyone?
DS was invested into Beavers two mondays ago and got 'Beaver Achiever' award this Monday gone for helping tidy when everyone else was playing and being polite. He was so proud, and really proud of his badges Grin think he likes the "belonging" as he loves that its his particular group and it has a special badge.
He was surprised that i turned up in a fixed car after doing a whole day at placement to pick him up tonight, he said "Mum you always save the day".

I wish i really was as he sees me.

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