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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

925 replies

surereadyforchange · 19/11/2014 14:46

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
TeenyfTroon · 09/01/2015 08:31

Hi Sure, how's it going? I don't know enough about FB to know if you can use it and avoid Drain Woman and anyone else you don't want, but can you use an account under another name which only your course members would know so you can keep the uni group? I don't belong to any groups myself so I don't know how you get to be a member.

Re the next thread - as usual Pacific is right - start it in Relationships as there are indeed many wise women on there (and a few nasties, but we'll all be here still). I was thinking that the name of the board was irrelevant, and it is to you, as it's just a label, but of course that isn't the main point. It's important to get to the support that will help you, and you proved at the start of your threads that Relationships was the right place.

What about including SureMovingMountains? Because you have been!

PacificDogwood · 10/01/2015 21:09

Hope you're having a nice weekend with DS, sure Thanks

IPokeBadgers · 11/01/2015 17:37

Hey Sure

Hope all well. Let us know here if you start a new thread in relationships....just in case we miss it!

TeenyfTroon · 12/01/2015 07:14

Sure, are you ok?

surereadyforchange · 13/01/2015 10:08

Yeah not too bad, all been a bit manic, got to go into uni now so will try and update later, just wanted to let you know I'm ok. X

OP posts:
TeenyfTroon · 13/01/2015 10:17

Thanks Sure, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been checking regularly to see if you'd posted. Long as you're ok, that's all that matters. Don't add any pressure to yourself by thinking you have to update promptly. We'll just wait. Smile

ImpossibleGirl · 13/01/2015 12:22

Glad you're ok sweetie. Have a good day at school. x

DPotter · 13/01/2015 19:51

Checking in as well. Hope you had a good day. Has your DS started Beavers yet ?

Jux · 14/01/2015 12:19

Glad you're OK.

Being busy is good!

PacificDogwood · 14/01/2015 20:01

sure Thanks

You know you are under no obligation to post here - or anywhere else.
You know we all wish you well.
This is your thread - you use it as you see fit.

surereadyforchange · 15/01/2015 11:45

I'm not coping incredibly well. Had an emotional meltdown at uni this am 10 mins before a presentation and ended up sobbing silently in the toilets and posting on the fb group that someone will have to cover my bit. It hits me sometimes that i have no one. Ds said he was going to kill me yesterday because i was trying to help teach him to tie his shoelaces.

I lost it at him this am as he barked orders at me and i asked him to speak more nicely to me and he just became more rude. I called him a little shit. I'm so ashamed of myself. I feel like the world would be better off without me ruining everyone's lives.

OP posts:
surereadyforchange · 15/01/2015 11:48

I have done nothing but fight through my life but no one wants me here. My mum, my dad, my sister, ds dad, my ex- he has been accusing me of ruining his life because the arrest might show up on his enhanced crb.
And i feel like i should be apologising.
I feel like I'm just a massive problem ruining everyone elses lives. Ive always been made to feel like that but maybe its just a fact i need to accept.

OP posts:
surereadyforchange · 15/01/2015 12:02

Ive been to 15 different schools and was bullied at every single one.
At my last school a girl used to write me letters telling me how awful i was. She used to make lists. She'd sign off with "do the world a favour and kill yourself".
Then I'd go home and my mum would tell me how she "fucking hated me" and let her boyfriend shove me about and ridicule me.
I'm not allowed on here to express intent to do anything but I do sometimes wish I'd got out back then.

OP posts:
Letsgoforawalk · 15/01/2015 14:41

sure I'm at work. Can't post much. Glad you have shared all this with us. So sorry you feel like this. Will read and post more fully later. Talk to someone at uni if you can. (Pastoral services? ) thinking of you Brew

IPokeBadgers · 15/01/2015 16:36

Sure

Sorry to hear you are having a bad time of it. You are not a massive problem ruining people's live.....that is BS and you can't think like that.

All I can say is that none of it, not your parents, not the bullies, none of it was your fault. There was a lot of toxic shit in your life but you are not to blame. You cannot change the past Sure, you must find a way to move on, you can only work on your future. You cannot change other people, only yourself. Remember Desiderata? You are a child of the universe, you deserve to be here.

As for what happened with DS...move on. You are only human. Everyone has bad days. Your DS needs you to show him how to grow to be decent person....you can't rely on his dad for that.

You have come such a long way sweetie..please keep taking the baby steps.

DPotter · 15/01/2015 17:47

Oh Sure- So sorry to hear your feel so down.

You are not a massive problem and you haven't ruined anyone's life.
There is absolutely no need for you to apologise to anyone.

We all have incidents were we wished we had reacted differently when the kids have wound us up - don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Whilst it not ideal, what matters is that they see you recover and apologise. You're human - your DS needs to know you have limits and he found it yesterday. Have a chat with him when things are calmer and explain he can't be rude to people, that he may see / hear others being rude but that's not the all-clear for him to act that way.
I agree with Badgers - baby steps.

DPotter · 15/01/2015 17:48

I'm off to work now - will check back later this evening.

Letsgoforawalk · 15/01/2015 18:36

Ok, first, let she who has never sworn at their child or otherwise lost their temper in a totally irrational screaming banshee style throw the first stone. ....

Right, that's ok, you are human like the rest of us and occasionally snap. The positive is that you regret what happened with your lovely DS and are thinking of how to avoid doing this again.
I'd put money on you having realigned your relationship with him by the time you read this, you are so resilient.

Second. You say your ex has accused you of ruining his life, since the arrest. Has he been texting again or otherwise worming his way in? do you need support again in extricating yourself from this toxic relationship?

Third. I still believe you need some professional counselling to help with all that has happened and to enable you to move forward. When things are 'ok' I suspect the temptation is to just get on with your busy life and not go down that route, then things get 'crisis point' like today (and how you felt at Christmas) and you are paralysed by the awfulness and are not really feeling strong enough to sort out the counselling. Please find a way to remind yourself It is important to arrange counselling when you are feeling stronger, so that you can benefit from it when you really do need it.

Fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh eighth ninth and tenth. You are not alone you have your wonderful son and you have us. Never forget how impressed we all are with your resilience and strength.
Flowers

IPokeBadgers · 15/01/2015 20:10

Round of applause for the post from Letsgoforawalk

Sure please read it carefully and take it on board if you can.

TeenyfTroon · 15/01/2015 21:34

Sure, I so agree with Letsgoforawalk. So much has happened to you, it's just not reasonable to expect you to deal with it on your own. No-one could, just as no mother that I know of can honestly say that they've never regretted losing it with their child. We are human and so are you.

I don't believe in God, but I have a list, just in case it turns out that (s)he does exist, of things to tackle him or her about. You are now on my list. You didn't deserve to be treated so badly and it's testament to your amazing character that you're not now taking it out on those around you.

Sending you hugs. Flowers

DPotter · 16/01/2015 09:19

Morning Sure. Git back v late last night. Hope you had a calm & restful evening and a god night's sleep.
Are you due in Uni today ?

DPotter · 16/01/2015 09:19

Got back not Git back.

surereadyforchange · 16/01/2015 14:58

Hi all,
I'm ok, after the embarrassing meltdown at uni yesterday. I was hiding in the toilets looking like Alice Cooper for ages - I emailed one of the lecturers explaining that I was here, my intentions were good, but i'd just got a bit overwhelmed. She emailed me back saying to go and see her.
One of the girls in my group came and got me out the loos with a baby wipe and some concealer and a roll-up (don't usually smoke!) Felt like school again.
I saw the tutor who said she had come to look for me! Oh dear, I am in my 30's and yet still feel like im 13 sometimes. Crying in the school toilets alone.
DS was ace when I picked him up. Before I could apologise he said he was sorry for being rude and horrible that morning and I said sorry for shouting, I was wrong and I shouldn't have lost my temper. He said he gets grumpy and shouts but he does really care about me. I said the same. So we decided we needed a treat and went to the shop and got some chewits :)
I made an appointment to speak to the head teacher as this morning he said he didn't want to wear his hat that looks like a tiger head- apparently the usual nasty boy had told him he looks like a baby (wondered why he had gone off his favourite hat) and when he wore another cool one with a wolf and teeth he said the same and that he looks stupid and it really upset him.
I said what hats does * wear? Ds said "plain ones" I said there you go he's just jealous he doesn't have a cool hat so he's trying to make you feel bad and stop wearing yours. Then we had the talk about how he's a lovely person and as long as he's not hurting anyone he should do and wear what he wants and don't ever listen to anyone who is trying to put him down. (Wish I could take my own advice but if I start him young believing he is worth everything hopefully he'll find it easier to believe than me).

Even the lady at after school club yesterday said he is very able for his age and its unfortunate he has to deal with the few 'strong characters in his class'. I and DS have both asked teacher for more work but she is v busy with all the others and as DS is seen as very able he is pretty much left to it whereas I would like to see him challenged. He said himself he wants harder work. He has an insatiable thirst for knowledge at the moment and he says work at school is too easy. That and this kid being mean I just need to see what they are gonna do about it, because he's unhappy.

Back to what Letsgo said about counselling, I have still been seeing my counsellor from old town, Ive seen her once since xmas, but I have been very up and down, one minute I think i'm moving on, the next - period, fight with DS and BAM - i'm practically hysterical.
I don't know if its actually doing anything. I am writing presentation at the moment for my exam and going on placement a few days after that so everything is really full on. Sometimes I feel completely able to cope then i'm thrown. Sometimes I don't care what the fuck my ex does, sometimes I miss him terribly.
Especially when it hits me i'm completely alone.
He has been messaging. Saying how i've ruined his life due to C R B- which PO said would not show up anyway so he's actually scot free - he couldn't give a shit about me. (Counsellor pointed out he is probably narcissistic?)
I also don't know how he can see social media (created new accounts to the ones I've blocked?) not that I put much on there and the privacy settings are high on f b.
The one thing I wanted from this was someone to get it through his head that he was wrong, but it has gone the other way and now I have been made to look (and I sometimes feel) like i'm nuts and he's the victim.
I just worry how I am gonna be made to suffer.

Sorry if this is a bit garbled.

OP posts:
TeenyfTroon · 16/01/2015 16:02

Sure, when you've finished your degree why don't you write a parenting book? You know exactly what to say to cheer your DS up and his admission of guilt and apology just goes to show how well your are doing. No danger of a repeat of your experience there!

And yes, for goodness' sake, take your own advice....

I'll come back to the other stuff later when I have more time, but no doubt by then one of the other members of Team Sure will be along to say everything I think much more succinctly!!

DPotter · 16/01/2015 18:11

What a wonderful way you have with your DS ! He sounds a lovely young man you should be proud of him and of yourself for raising him.

Re the counselling I think it would be a good idea to continue with counselling, even if you move to another counsellor. I think you need that support just now. Better to keep it going when you still feel a bit up & down.

Also sounds as if you have a potential ally / friend in the girl who came to find you in the loos at uni, which is good news. Do you get time on your course to have the odd coffee with other on your course ?

Re your Ex messaging - I think you will need to put your big girl reinforced gusset pants on and tell him you will only communicate with him about DS. If you think he's somehow accessing your social media - could you put something quiet specific on there and only there and see if he mentions it ?

You sound in a better place today - do you have plans for the weekend ?

BTW you are not 'nuts' and he is most certainly NOT the victim. You have been treated appallingly by the police and he 'got off on a technicality'.

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