Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

Cross posted, Pacific , great link. Definitely along the right lines.

Speak to your personal tutor and tell her as much as you feel comfortable with at the time. When it's right, it'll feel right.
Even if you want to refer to the personal stuff you can keep it very general: 'just left an abusive relationship, police involved, ongoing low mood etc.

IME (from providing supportive letters to students) colleges and universities tend to be very understanding and supportive. Hope yours is too

I would love to do a degree along the lines I linked to.
Maybe in another life… sigh.

She already knows the situation, I went to her on advice of WA before I had even spoken to the police, and she was supportive.
Its just the research tutor I am not sure about sharing with, she's a different character.
I want to get stuck into the exam, I just need to put aside the research thing cause its so vague and I don't know what im doing.

You could let your personal tutor decide for you, if you have confidence in her. Personally I would go for honesty, and I don't think anyone will call you nuts! It's in their interest for their students to succeed (in this age of happy students = funding) so they will be looking for reasons to keep you, not excuses to make you give up. They have already invested considerable resources into recruiting you and teaching you. All that would be wasted if they don't support you now.

You are exactly the sort of person OT needs. You will not treat people as objects to be fixed.

I'm glad you have allowed us to share your search for a research topic. Another interesting link from Pacific - I'm learning allsorts!!

Hiya,
I've emailed my personal tutor and research supervisor. I'm just tying myself in knots and I cant focus. I will try to see both of them Monday and hope they understand that it has just not been feasible.
I have been honest with personal tutor and said ive had a really bad Christmas and how low I got, and said i will leave it with her how much she shares with research tutor.
Emailed research tutor apologising and saying personal tutor can back up that I haven't been able to do the work and could I meet with her to discuss ideas.
Just been honest as suggested here.
Its just not gonna happen before Monday.

Sure, that all sounds perfectly reasonable. As I said before, it's in their interests to help you, even if they don't want to because they are decent human beings. Which I hope they are. Good luck for tomorrow. I'm sure your deep interest in your subject will go a long way to convincing them you deserve support.

I agree with teeny, hope I didn't add to your confusion with my ramblings. Hope all goes well tomorrow

Just spoke to my tutor briefly. She was really nice and I'm meeting with her later for a chat.
Thanks for your messages. X

Sounds promising!

Hope it went well, Sure.

I found you! So relieved to see you are here and ok! I must have missed your postings somehow.

I'll go back and catch up now. :)

Hope you got on well

I've just caught up now and what a turbulent few weeks you have had. You have survived through those awful lows of christmas and new year and now are focussed on your course again. I cant tell you how positive it reads when read chronologically- from the low point to your current moment where I can sense purpose and positivity from the possible.

The advice from team sure has been so loving and sound, I am sorry I was not around as well- I can see now it was because the thread got moved- but I would have not been able to add anthing more than "^^ what they said".

Wishing you a peaceful and happy new year with littlesure.

Hope it went well Sure

Hi all,
Well yesterday I went to uni (yey!) which was a great distraction.
I managed to book to see my personal tutor in the afternoon, she had spoken briefly to my research tutor and she said not worry about the work and to go and see her this week about it.

Get my case tomorrow for exams in 2 wks.

This morning I had a visit from the p0lice, the PO I made my statement to actually, they were hand- deliver1ng me a letter from the PO dealing with the case down south, I had to update the PO from my city on what had happened, he didn't even know that I had withdrawn my complaint!
He didn't know anything about what had happened. The letter said that due to lack of evid3nce and withdrawal of my c0mplaint the case is not going ahead. So it wouldn't have even gone to c0urt anyway.

I asked if it would show up on 'his' forms for work he said no.

So no comeuppance for him, for what he's done. I asked if it would go against him in future having been arr3sted for what he did if someone else were to make a complaint and they said not necessarily cause there was no further action taken.

TBH once they had gone I just thought No More P0lice! Don't ever want to trust them with anything important again.

When he delivered it he said oh you'll have spoken to DC ** (officer handling case), I said "nope, haven't heard anything from him for weeks".
Could be cause I made a c0mplaint (which nothing was done about, surprise surprise).
Even my friend in Cornwall said if she had a friend who went through what I did, after what she's seen with how it was handled with me, she would advise them not to report it.

Aside from the awful way it was handled by the police and how it made me feel, I also feel like i'm going through the worst breakup. I know it sounds mad, but I still feel heartbroken. Its not like we decided to go our separate ways either, he tried to break me and he has not even been reprimanded for how he treated me, he thinks I was lying, so nothing has been resolved.
I don't even hate him.
A lot of the time I miss him.
I feel lonely but don't want to see anyone.
Very, very hurt.

Hey Sure

That sounds very positive re: the university situation situation. As for the police thing, that is just shit and i dont know what to say other than i am so sorry you were let down. Unfortunately from what other people have said, it does not appear to be an uncommon experience

Feeling hurt and sad are very legitimate responses to the situation you are in, and you are allowed to grieve for the way your life has been and for the relationship you thought you would have. But it will get better for you, you have a future that is bright and will be free from abuse and intimidation. I honestly believe 2015 is going to be your year.

We understand that you are lonely. That too will improve in time, as you move on and grow in confidence. In the meantime, keep talking to us and continue to lavish your love on your DS. If you need to hear a human voice, Samaritans are great as a listening ear.

Maybe start a new thread in relationships again.....think a lot of people missed this one being moved?

Yy to what Badgers says.

I do think you have achieved something with reporting. He now knows that the worm can turn. He will be worried that another woman will also report him. He won't know for certain that it will be handled as badly as your case has been. He may tell himself that you lied, but there will be a 'what if?' in the back of his mind. He will also remember the time you did turn on him. His supreme arrogance will have been dented.

And I was annoyed when MN moved your thread. Not because it matters what it is labelled, but others will be wondering what happened to you. I get that they can't have people threatening you-know-what on their forum, but they could have been a bit less heavy handed about it. You can start thread 4 wherever you like. (Well maybe not AIBU...)

I'm glad you found a sympathetic ear at uni

You need to allow yourself to feel how you feel - it'll be unique and individual to you and will be the sum of not just the experience of the last couple of months, but the years you've been conditioned by him and prior to him by your family by the sounds of it .
I wish I could get across to you how upset I am for you that your case was so badly handles and that you have been left with less faith in the police than you had before (your PO sounded so promising to start of with!).

However, you do need to make up you mind: either find a way to put all this behind you and move on or continue needing him to be reprimanded or punished or even for him to see the error of his ways (in which case I think you would have to pursue the forensic/legal side of things I can entirely see why you'd not want to or why you wouldn't be able to).
For the record, I don't think that he's got away unscathed: I'd imagine being arrested for rape must be a very unpleasant experience for any person. Also, this arrest is now on record. If any other person comes forward with any kind of story of abuse suffered from his hands, this sorry episode will be another jigsaw puzzle contributing to what may be a bigger story.

In the interest of self-preservation try and do your damnedest to separate your way forward from whatever happens to him.
Your (and your DS) want and deserve a better life, you want to feel confident, relaxed and happy in your own house and skin; you don't want to be walking on eggshells, anticipating the next episode of verbal or sexual abuse; you will model the life you deserve for your DS.

Look inward, not outward.
Don't look for validation from anybody but yourself (and a trusted therapist - can I just suggest again to seek referral for Psychological Therapies, not 'just' counselling? Longer term therapy that may help you to look at some of your enmeshed ways of thinking about yourself and your relationships?).
Having him looked up and the key thrown away would not make you feel better.
I even doubt that you'd feel much better if he were able to say 'I did wrong, I'm sorry and I won't do it again' - you'd still wonder whether you 'deserved it' or whether you somehow invited him to tread you like he did.

Emancipate yourself from him.
You've got him out of your life; now try and get him out of your head.

I have nothing but admiration for your strength and determination and love you for making this very difficult break.
The future is yours as long as you keep the faith. In yourself.

Thank you all :')
Do you think I should start up a New Thread in Relationships?
I've just been thinking.. if someone were considering reporting to the p0lice and they read this thread they might reconsider.
What do you think about that?
In todays updates, I had a good morning at uni. DS got the call this eve to say he's into the Beaver Scouts! He was squeaking with excitement! :) He is so cute. I gave him a sweet haircut tonight so he's all smart and happy, he is currently obsessed with the second world war (?!) and loves reading about it, he has a comic strip style book about all the d day landings (its more tactics rather than gory deaths). Someone once told me he's an "old soul".
DrainWoman is back again, probably because I put a picture of myself and CornwallFriend on FB (HATE FB!!) She messaged saying she's not sure whats going on because I wont tell her, and she cant do anymore.
WTF, she's done fuck all! I haven't been in contact with her (apart from a polite birthday card in early dec cause I didn't want to be a bitch and ignore her bday) because I don't want to hurt her feelings.
I was crying after last time I saw her, she was that soul - sucking. if I spoke to her I wouldn't be able to lie. I don't want to be a liar, say everythings fine, cause its not.
If I replied i'd have to tell the truth. Not sure what to do.

Don't engage with DrainWoman - block her on FB (I hate FB with a passion and have deregistered a while ago which is surprisingly difficult to do which in turn fed my paranoia ).

Aw, I'm so pleased for your DS - I hope he really enjoys the Beavers

Yy do start the new thread in Relationships - there are so many wise people on those boards.

2015 is going to by Your Year - I can feel it!

Do you know "Oh, the places you go!" by Dr Seuss? Look it up, read it for yourself and read it for DS - it's great x.

"Ooh, you'll move mountains! 97 3/4% guaranteed."

I deactivated FB before xmas, and have done so in the past for quite long (productive, peaceful) periods.
Only problem is that uni has a group on there that is used for communicating stuff like timetable changes, informal discussion etc. Hmmm.
Will look up the Dr Seuss :) xx

Great news about the Beavers for you DS !
I'm pleased for you about uni too - sounds like they're supporting you too which is good.

Words fail me about how you have been treated by the Police - really poor. I agree with other PP have said - keep moving forward for you and your boy and 'you will move mountains'

My Tai chi classes start up this week - are there any at uni ?

Block DrainWoman on FB and phone and any other channels of communication between you. She is aptly nicknamed here, and is no good to you in any way.

Excellent news re Beavers for ds. It is so great when they flex their wings like that and grow in experience, delightful to witness and a privilege to be a part of.

DPotter, my Tai chi classes started again this week. It was brilliant to see everyone again - we were all bubbling! We have a slightly abnormal class as it's for cripples like me (!) so we spend more time resting, quite a lot of us sit throughout (one guy's paraplegic, permanently in a wheelchair) so less time actually doing tai chi. It took me 3 years to be able to do Big Boa for instance!

Anyway, I wonder how you would take to tai chi, Sure? It is very stabilising.

I love the Big Boa - we've been practising the 8 Animal qigong all of last term. Lovely movements