Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

Still abroad with dodgy wifi, so only sending

Get thee a birth bath/feeder and watch the birds - v therapeutic.

Hi Sure

Must check in to say hi, hope you are doing ok today. Sending you and . I really do think that 2015 is going to be your year. You have done so well and come so far....so proud of you!

Hi Sure
Hope you've had a good day. Let us know how things have been today.
Very best wishes for 2015 for you and your DS!

Same from me. And to all the other members of TeamSure. Happy New Year.

How are things, Sure?

Wishing sure and Little Sure all the best for 2015, and to all her lovely thready friends too
X
[not a terribly exciting NYE for me, retired to bed around 10 meaning to have A little lie down and re-emerge to see in the new year with a small whisky, didn't wake til 8.30 this morning! ]

Hello all, and Happy New Year.
I went to bed with DS at ten, got woken up by fireworks and people screaming and "wooooooh" ing at 12, then managed to get back to sleep for 1.
DS and I had cheese and crackers and pizza and "wine" (Shloer or however you spell it) and wrote our memories from the year on little bits of paper and put them in a jam jar. It was a really good exercise because it reminded us of all we'd done in 2014 and how lucky we are.
Still feeling really down, but in a way glad its a new year and I just have to find a way of trying to get past the things that are making me sad. Like:

-Missing good bits of 'him'. Going to tell him things that I know only he would get and then realising I have no one to tell.
-That he got away with it.
-That he cant see that he ever did anything wrong.
-Why he hates me.. you wouldn't treat someone you loved the way he treated me.
-That we were so close and DS asks for him.
-Holding resentment hurts too much, so I want to just replace it with love. To actually love him and wish him no ill. I cant find it in me to hate him, its not there. I actually just want to help him. I think its not being able to get through to him that is upsetting. I like to chat and resolve things, i'm a problem solver (that's why i'm doing the degree i'm doing).

Anyway trying to keep busy, took DS bowling this morning, he was really good. Tried not to think about the happy times we had bowling with 'him'... it just seems to fucking taint everything... I hate not resolving things. For him its easy - "Sure is a bitch, shes a liar, she made it all up and i'm the wronged party, i'll just never see her again cause I hate her, end of" .
I have been trying to do a bit of research for my lit review, but i'm finding it really difficult to do because I don't have a firm research question
The research supervisor ive been given (after my original one said she didn't want me ) doesn't know my situation at all and she'll be like..wheres the work. I don't want to go moaning and looking like i'm trying to skive or get people to feel sorry for me. Its just not realistically going to get done and I don't know what to do.
I could email my personal tutor who knows but she wont get the email (says when you compose one to her) until the day its due in.

I guess in other peoples lives times like this are when they would go round their mums and have a cry and a cuppa and a cuddle, or have a glass of wine and a chat with their sibling.

Me and 'him' used to do that for each other and I miss it so much. I just don't know why he would hurt me the way he has.
I want to resolve it but I cant. I'm a fixer but I cant fix this, how do you resolve things without speaking to the other person? I don't hate him, and hate wont come. How do I move past this? I have so much to do and i'm in so much pain.

I want to resolve it but I cant.

No, you can't.
You really cannot resolve this - you need to let it go, for your own sake (and DS's), not for him.

Writing down your memories of the last year sounds like such a lovely idea.

Maybe you could do the same for your plans for this year? And fish a we note out of the jam jar from time to time and do what it says on it? Look forwards and not back, if you can help it at all.

Of course you miss what good bits you had when you were with him - but really you are grieving for what you thought you had but didn't really. Remind yourself of the walking on egg shells, not being certain what mood you might find him in, causing offence with innocent remarks etc etc (I won't even start on the verbal and sexual abuse, never mind rape ).

Let. It. Go.
Maybe write down what you would want from him and tie it to a balloon or put it on a raft on water and Let Go Of It.

If he wishes to contemplate his actions and seek help in the form of therapy that is entirely up to him to look for. You cannot do this for him. You need to 'emancipate' (in the true meaning of the word) yourself from him.
CBT may help you to recognise and reduce unhelpful thinking when you find yourself drawn to thinking about him.

I am wishing you and DS nothing but the very best for 2015 .
Prioritise: look after you and DS first of all. Uni, work, etc can all follow.

sure love the positives in your post.
Re the uni stuff - there should be a formal specific process for asking for an extension which involves filling in a form and submitting it to a specified person, have you checked the uni website or course handbook? That is a less personal approach and if you keep the information submitted factual and chronological (bullet points rather than a personal narrative) then hopefully it will feel less to you like you are whining.
Eg: 18/12/14 GP issued antidepressants
20/12/14 extreme reaction to ADs unable to continue taking
21/12/14 police interview relating to ongoing investigation of sexual assault.
Etc etc (I have made up the dates and events as an approximation ) if you keep it impersonal it may make you feel less vulnerable. The only info you need to email to the tutor should be that you have submitted a request for an extension or mitigating circumstances.
You might be surprised how sympathetic they will be.
Oh, and yes, getting the right question is the key to the whole project. Until you decide what the question is it is completely horrendous!!! Been there done that.

Hi both,
The thing is that though there is a deadline, they then turned round and said it wasn't concrete, it is only a guideline for when it has to be emailed to the tutor (not submitted through the official online submission process). So I don't know if i'd have to apply for an extension as they made it clear before the end of term that it wasn't a massive thing, it was mainly to initiate and facilitate discussion with your research supervisor, to let them know what you want to look at. Its not marked.
It is basically a critical review of the literature surrounding the topic. I have a vague idea of what i'd like to look at, but its not coming together into a research question at all!

Sure, lots of good advice and I second everything Pacific and Letsgo say.

I am a fixer too and I know through bitter experience that talking to someone sometimes just doesn't resolve problems. They are just not able to actively listen. It's taken me many years to realise that and at your age I would not have believed it. Please don't waste the time I did. He may eventually redeem himself but that's nothing to do with you now.

Re your lit review - is there some way we can help with refining your question? Or if not, can you go with using the nearest you can get to it, as it may come clearer as you research? Sometimes just diving in rather than waiting for the perfect question can work. I hope that makes sense.

You instinctively know how to engage a child and how to mother. Do whatever you need to hang on to your degree. I promise you will never regret it. And not will your future clients/patients. (Insert appropriate term!)
Sending you New Year Hugs.

Nor not not!

Oh sure. I've just found you again. I'm so, so sorry it's been such a terrible time. For now, just wanting to send you a hug. You are a wonderful person.

Ah! I see. No worries then if no firm deadline. You have probably already done more than many of your fellow students. They just want to push you all into getting the process started by thinking about it.
Jot down your vague formulations of the beginning of a research idea so they have some idea of the direction you want to go in. It will be for your tutor to advise you how to formulate a question that will be "doable". Seriously nothing to stress about there.
If you can, just do a quick review of one or two up to date articles that are related to the topic and that should be fine.

Yes, I am determined to get this degree. I've sacrificed a lot to be here studying it, and its a good uni.
For you guys to help with refining my question, i'll have to tell you that i'm studying 0ccupational therapy as it obviously has to relate to that. If by any weird chance you recognise me don't out me.
I suppose i'll also have to be careful so that if anyone is searching similar t3rms it wont link to this thread? I am not particularly tech-savvy so I don't know if it would.
I've been having a read, and a think. I have always been into writing, and am interested in the notion of it as a th3rapeutic t00l. I guess specifically telling your 0wn st0ry.
I have also been thinking about doing something to do with the 3ffect of a traumatic childh00d on adulth0od, so I would have to relate it specifically to 0ccupation.
I am planning to read up on attachment the0ry and neur0logical devel0pment in babies (have ordered books...mmmm books..) and how it affects people as adults. 0T is a subject that's difficult to define anyway, which makes it all the harder really.
Ideally i'd like to combine the two ideas but maybe that would be too broad??
Also wondering if it would be too close to home?
Hope this makes sense as I have had half a glass of red wine (such a lightweight these days).
I really appreciate you all being here to talk with me, and thank you for the time you take to reply to me. Maybe I could do something on the benefits of the internet and 0nline support for people with 0ccupational 1nterruptions (eg mental health issues, 4buse). It would be easier for me with DS to be able to gather research patricipants online, due to spare time issues.
Even just writing this out is helping the thought process. I am, however, chronically indecisive .

Cross - posted, samething hi and thank you. Feelin the hug :)
Letsgo I have to do 1000 words with references, introducing my r3search question and a crit1cal review of the existing l1terature, identification of gaps in current r3search, r3search 0bjectives designed, awareness of foregoing discussion.

There is a deadline for it to be emailed but I think its just so you actually do the work

It's usually easier to research very specific questions rather than broad areas. To help you decide between your various ideas could you allocate a set amount of time, say 30 mins, to quickly google each possibility? The set time keeps you focused and stops you getting distracted and often gives you an idea of which area is most richly supported. (On the other hand you may prefer to pick an area which seems poorly researched.). You may find that you are definitely drawn more strongly to a particular question. And you haven't wasted too much time.

I find it incredibly difficult to chose when there is almost complete freedom, so I know how difficult it is for you to decide. I'm just so glad that you are determined to carry on.

sure, I cannot help you with how Academia works and I'm not an OT either.
But - Are you familiar with the concept of 'Narrative Medicine'?. Apologies if I am teaching my grandmother to suck eggs here.

That is very interesting, Pacific. Tricky to formulate a researchable question but absolutely fascinating. You'd have lots of ideas and experience, Sure.

Hi Sure
sounds like you've had a lovely time with DS yesterday and today.

I agree with the others that you'll need to let go of ever having any understand from him about what he has done - and that's a tough situation to be in. And it will take time, so in the short term, you will need to focus on things you can achieve - looking after your DS, getting him into Cubs, finding a Tai chi class and kicking off with the research.

It is so difficult to decide on your own question.
I like the sound of researching on line support - how about defining it a little more closely by looking at on-line support through self help forums (? this is correct?) , such as MN. I believe some research has been done on 'pro ana' sites so I'm sure there's research in to other areas; eg I'm also a member of the BT broadband support forums and also one for my work.

From a slightly different angle, I work with someone who runs 'creative writing' groups in a mental health centre - it has a therapeutic aspect as well as being a creative outlet.

Keep bouncing those ideas around here - even if we're not OTs, just writing things out can help clarify your own thoughts
sleep well

sure will pm you in a bit with some ideas. Only pm ing to avoid the searchable term dilemma

Kids battling for iPad. Back later

Sure, I am not an academic, but in my experience, tutors and supervisors are usually very very happy to talk abouthat you're interested in researching. If you've been put with a supervisor who is in that field (and why wouldn't you be) then they can guide you towards a worthwhile question which may be related to their own research. My tutor did that for my final year research which ended up forming a (very small but hey!) part of his own much more important - and ultimately published - research.

Can you email with the sort of things you're looking at, especially your thoughts around online support etc? Not as your actual proposal but just asking for guidance on where to aim for with it.

Could these guys help you, sure?

Hope you are having a good weekend

Hi all. I think I am going to have to hope for the best and email my personal tutor. Trying to compose something now.
It's just not going to get done, I have no idea where to start and the more I research, the more confused I get. I'm going to have to email her and ask her to email my research supervisor and say I will have to leave it for now. Exams start on Monday, we're given a case study and have 2wks to make a 20m presentation plus 20m answering questions.
I don't know whether to ask my personal tutor to tell her whats actually been going on or just to say that I have good reasons for not having done the work. I don't know whether to say how bad it got at xmas, I don't want to look nuts but then I also don't want her to think i'm just trying to get out of doing the work everyone else has had to do.
Help!