Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

sure, I'm posting from abroad and just to give you a hug.

Please seek RL help - this time of year is SO fucking hard for so many people; you are not alone in that.
Phone the Samaritans, ring 101, present to your nearest A+E department.
You feel how you feel, but you will NOT feel like that forever, so do whatever you have to do to be safe.
You are the centre of the universe for your DS; please hang on to that and look after yourself.

Thing is last time I rang 101 my life turned into this nightmare so I'm reluctant.
DS dad has informed me he'll be here to get him in the morning. :(

I can certainly understand your reluctance but I can't think of anyone else who can help with keeping your DS from your ex.

Iknow how hard it is, Sure, but like Teeny, I xan't think of how else you can stop ex going off with ds to orrow, unless you are both out.

He's taken him, and given me a horrible attitude while doing it.

Morning Sure

Hope you feel a little brighter today?

Doh! Sorry, tablet screen hadn't refreshed. Don't let the arsehole get to you.....his attitude is his issue....twat that he is. What are you going to do today?

Ok, there's nothing you can do to change that so now can you think of things that will distract you from thinking too much. Doesn't matter what it is, a walk, a book, your uni work, even the bloody hoovering.
Can you ring your GP and just listen to the instructions for out of hours emergencies, and ring for real if you need to. You will be able to talk freely without worrying that your DS will overhear. Likewise the Samaritans.
Maybe you could make a chart with the days and hours till your DS is back and tick them off as you get through them.
I'm so sorry I haven't any better ideas - just want you to know that I'm thinking of you.

Ive just had a phonecall from the police about my complaint. Apparently its normal that you can be r4ped, report it and it takes 2 months for the person that did it to be arr3sted. He also said that "because it was years ago" that contributed. I was like hang on-it wasnt years ago. I reported it a couple of weeks afterwards. This is what i mean about that they have no idea. Facts just seem to be gained from nowhere.

It hasn't been handled well by the police at all unfortunately.... You were right to put in a complaint. Hope you are OK.

That sounds maddening. Thinking of you sure

Yesterday morning i sat in bed after DS left and watched the sun pass across the sky until it fell into the horizon again and it was time to sleep.
I dreamed all night of DS and 'him'. I need some kind of closure.

sure, I read your previous post yesterday and quite literally did not know what to say.

This whole thing is so shit for you and so unfair and I am not sure that it helps to say that unfortunately what you are/were up against wrt how it was handled is not uncommon? Can you try to not take the faults of the 'system' personally and see it as a failing of society/police/the priorities the authorities have rather than as some kind of 'failure' of your own?

Yes, you do need closure - you can only find that within yourself and not from some kind of outside source although good counselling/psychological therapies might help.

I'm thinking of you often. When is your DS going to be back?
Keep warm, keep eating when you can (have something warm) and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Love and strength being sent your war

DS back on 31st hopefully. I'm still sitting in bed watching the trees and sky. Probably do that until he gets back.
I'm obsessing over 'him'. All i wanted was for him to acknowledge the pain he's caused me. I could move past that then. I could do anything if he just acknowledged he was wrong to hurt me. The police fucking it up and accusing him of the wrong thing made me look like a liar and prevented him from having to face the truth as he just thinks (with good cause) i was lying.
I can't get past this. I have such a strong sense of fairness, i always have done. I remember getting annoyed with my mum cause she'd share out crisps unfairly between me and my sister. I always pour wine out between glasses to the millimetre.
It stung me to the core the unfairness in treatment between me and my vicious, entitled sister.
Nothing i can do makes any difference , who i was supposed to be able to trust (the police) to carry out justice fucked me royally.
Paralysed.

Sure, I don't think you're ever going to get him to admit to how he's treated you. You have to get past hoping for that. I honestly think you need counselling. I had bereavement counselling but the first counsellor I had I just couldn't connect with and luckily for me after two sessions she became pregnant and my second counsellor was fantastic.
I'm telling you all this because if I had only had the first one I would have assumed either that it was my fault, or that counselling didn't work. My second counsellor showed me that you have to be compatible for any good to come of it.
Please ask your GP.
A sense of fairness is a great thing to have, but it will get in the way of you moving forward. You will see this for yourself when you qualify and see others struggling with the same thing. You have to deal with the here and now, and put the past behind you.
Easier said than done, I know.
It's a lovely day here - can you go out for a walk? Your body will be craving activity and may help your mind to rest. That's what I'm about to do. I'm sorry for rambling on.

I agree with everything Teeny said. You will never get acknowledgement from him and under these circumstances your sense of fairness will only serve to torture you further. I don't know how, but you have to find a way to get over/past the desire/need for that acknowledgement because it is never going to happen.

Probably a medium-long term counselling situation to get you to a place where you can focus on you rather than him. Appreciate that is easier said than done.

Be kind to yourself. If you can, mindfulness and self care are the order of the day....just to try break the negative cycle of thoughts.

Has anyone suggested rape crisis or similar rape counselling organisation? They will know exactly where you are with your feelings and may be the perfect place to start. I agree too with the above posters.
A few days watching the sun cross the sky may not be a wasted day.It has been remarkably beautiful today. It depends on if you find that healing or not.
But getting out for a walk would be good too, even in just enabling you to look at the day and say "I did something constructive today".
Talking of healing and suchlike...

I'm not religious but today after a particularly taxing hour or two at work I dipped into the "spiritual space" provided at the hospital, to calm my thoughts, and inadvertently found myself thinking of you and wishing for a good outcome.
This may absolutely not be your thing but a church or similar community might provide some warmth and friendship for you. Check out pastoral support at uni or look around your neighbourhood on a Sunday morning to see which church all the cars are parked near.

I find peace and spirituality elsewhere but have friends and family who find this a good thing in their lives.
Just an idea....

Yes, different places and activities provide solace for different people. It would be wonderful if the Church could help, but Sure, only you will know what might work for you.

As Letsgoforawalk says, focused counselling with experience of abuse or rape is more likely to help you than the general sort. There will be so much which does not need explanation.

I worry about you sitting with your thoughts, without being able to control them. There may well be time for that later, when you have the tools to cope and disarm them, but not now.

Is there anything that you like doing which might have the power to absorb and distract you?

Not so long till your DS returns. Can you make him some biscuits or a cake? Thinking of you often.

Still in bed. I appreciate all your suggestions, i can maybe work up to them.. leaving bed or interacting with people in any way is definitely not on the agenda.
Doing you-know-what is not an option, though i think about it a lot, because of DS.
I think about him asking for me and me not being there to protect him and its not an option. So for now I'm just watching the sky and passing time doing this, there is nothing i want to do, no one i want to see, apart from 'him' for answers.
He wont give honest ones anyway because he cant look at himself. I am vaguely worried about the comeuppance for not doing my lit review for 5 jan, but i don't really give a genuine shit tbh. Just a vague one. I'll probably just not do my exam in jan either. I do not see the point in life any more. I love DS and because i wont leave him to his father I'm unfortunately here for the duration, which is just an awful thought. Yes everyone will say oh it'll get better but really? How is that going to happen. I have ONE friend. She lives 4 hrs away. She has her own life. I have zero chances to meet anyone. Even if i did, everything weighs so heavy on me the thought of having to make conversation, pretend I'm fine or normal is a nightmare.
I am not taking any more meds. I'm just not. I really dont want anymore shit in my body.
I cant expire because of DS, so I'll just exist for now. I'm just done with everything and everyone apart from him.
My mum was a bitch to me and i wont do the same to him.
Can't even open the curtains today.

I'm out all day today - just grabbing a minute to say open the curtains. Please.

For you, they're open. Thanks

Bless you! X

FWIW I have a great view.

Hi Sure
Didn't want to leave you alone. You've got fighting spirit in you and I admire your resolve to be a good Mum for your boy.

I'm still in my pyjamas too, would love to stay in them all day but I've got to get my act together and go to the shops as we've no bread, milk etc. How about we meet back here in 30 mins washed and dressed ? Little steps ?

This is the view from my bedroom window.