Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

Small pocket of WiFi and opportunity: wishing you and your DS a very happy Christmas and sending you best wishes for a great New Year [thank]

Happy Christmas!! to you, your friend, and DS. I think about you every day, wishing you the best always. Plus strength to believe in yourself and do what you know is best for yourself and DS. You have earned it.

Thank you everyone for your Christmas wishes. Its amazing that you took the time out of your own Christmases to wish me well, I did read them, (though I didn't get the chance to properly reply) and I am so touched.
I am still in Cornwall, It is the first day my friend has had to go to work, so DS and I are just chilling at hers while she's out. Taking the opportunity to come on here.
I found Christmas really, really hard, and I am glad its over, really glad. my friend was lovely, but there's nothing like forced merriment to dampen the spirits! I cant tell her how fucking miserable I was, as I didn't want to ruin her Christmas. It was really nice what we did, but I have just felt really down the whole time, and its been really hard to whack on a smile when all I want is to lie in bed and wallow and cry.
It is lovely that she was Skypeing her boyfriend, and that she's happy, I am pleased for her. Shes done really well down here.
It does make it hard though when she is of the "he's just a bastard" frame of mind. Also she fully admits she cannot be without a man.
Yes I know how he treated me, all too well, but it isn't the case that he's just a bastard, that's it, end of, and move on and find someone who treats you like a princess. Its just not that black and white and painless.

I think maybe I should have sent DS to his dad's (well, his Dad's parents') and gone to bed at home and pretended Christmas wasn't occurring. Forcing myself through it just increases my existing dislike of this time of year. Its almost turning into a phobia.
I can't wait for it all to be over. I hate New Year as well, all the insistence on partying and resolutions and it somehow being something other than just another day. I also sit and imagine how happy 'he' will be, having a great time and celebrating getting away with it all. How I've "lost", how him and all his 'mates' will be laughing about it, at me. Telling everyone what a liar I am. I have been so punished for telling the truth.

I am fucking dying inside. I hate this time of year with a passion, and it is only DS' excitement and loveliness that has kept me going. I don't want to hand him over to his father, who didn't even ring him at xmas.

I don't want to go home to my cold empty house, but I don't want to stay here and be in the way of my friend when she has her BF home and all her friends down for New years eve.

I just want to turn my head off and wake up a year from now able to function, living away from everyone without this weight on my chest.
I foiled a panic attack on a day out with friend and DS, kept breathing, shes great about it all. She is 9 yrs younger than me though and sometimes I feel so world weary next to her. I am very glad to have her though.
I guess I have just had a bit of a rant! It helps so much to come onto MN, I cant do this in RL.
The New Year looms like an awful bleak, blank page, of having to hold it together and hard work and dragging self inflicted loneliness. Of coming to terms with the fact that I've lost. Of enduring the punishment I got for 'telling'.

Please don't do this. Talk to your friend, at least to ask her to take DS for a bit so you can call Samaritans, if nothing else. And please, please think about how important you are to DS. He would be devastated if you hurt yourself in any way. Feelings come and go. It can be really hard to ever see things will get better, but they do. And your friend has been lovely!! Tell her a bit more about how it all feels to you; she would feel terrible if she thought for a minute you didn't tell her the truth about how you're feeling. You can get through this.

Is there anything you love doing that you can do while DS is at his grandma's? Even going to a movie, or taking a bubble bath and reading in the tub can be such a treat. Please do not give up. There will be ups and downs for a while, and you can be so proud of yourself when you get through the hard times.

We're all cheering you on and thinking of you! Really. We are.

Oh, Sure, wish I could give you a big hug. Try hard not to look too far ahead. One foot in front of the other. Breathe in and out. You WILL get through.

Sure

I am sorry you are feeling such distress. Christmas and new year are very hard times for so many people...understandable you found/find it distressing and hard to get through. Lots of people, lots of mumsnetters, have struggled through it just like like you have.

Stop googling suicidesuicide methods. Just stop it. People don't want you to "just go away" - that is bullshit. Sorry, but it is. If you harm yourself it will destroy your DS, your lovely friend who has had you over crimbo, and would mean that all the abusive fuckers in your life, including him, will indeed have won. Don't even go there.

Talk to your friend. Tell her how fragile you are. Call Samaritans after your DS is asleep. Don't succumb to thoughts of self harm. Back to gp as soon as you can. You need professional help sweetheart. Please don't harm yourself.

Sure, I posted last and hadn't seen your post at 15.34.
Do you remember when you thought you would give in and contact him? You didn't, did you? No matter how hard it was to resist, you resisted.
You are bringing up a child to respect and love you. You have no choice but to continue with that task. I didn't want to be here when my husband died, but 21 month old twins meant I had no choice. It's the same for you. I'm not trained to help people feeling suicidal, and I hope someone who has some experience comes along soon, but I know the allure of escaping the struggle and pain. I'm so glad now that I didn't. You will be too. I'm 17 years further on and I've never regretted staying around. But it is hard.

What teeny, badgers and whit said. I'll only add that you'd started taking ADs and then stopped them, and that may well be playing havoc with your brain chemistry.

Stay strong. DS is lovely, and does NOT deserve losing you like that.

Sure, just because ds' dad wants him to morrow, doesn't mean he gets to have him. Say no. You don't have to explain why, just that it doesn't work for you this time.

On the other hand, would it give you an opportunity to have some time with just your friend so you can really talk?

Hi Surereadyforchange

We're really sorry but we've deleted your last post. We reviewed our policy about posts about suicidal feelings recently and we're sorry to say that yours came a bit too close to expressing actual suicidal intent, which is something we don't allow.

Please contact the Samaritans, by emailing [email protected] or calling 08457 90 90 90. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide here.

We'll also move this thread to Mental Health now.

Best wishes
MNHQ

I don't want to upset anyone, was just expressing how I felt. Don't particularly want this moved to MH, maybe I should step away from this thread, or get it deleted?
I didn't realise it wasn't allowed to express feelings such as ive been having, apologies.
Im really struggling. My son is my world and he's keeping me going. Sorry.

Sure

Dont stress about it....you didnt realise. And nothing wrong with the thread being moved. Dont get it deleted....when you have a better day there is a lot of positives to be taken from this thread and all the responses you have had from various posters.

Hold on to your DS and concentrate on him as the reason for you to keep on keeping on, just like you have been doing. Remember what was said earlier about HOPE....that it can be read as Hold On, Pain Ends? It may sound trite but there is truth in it. You can and will move past this time in your life. But you will need to get professional help if you are as low as you have said you are. Be kind to yourself.

Sure, don't worry, no one is blaming you or holding you responsible. MN has really only just changed it's policy on that aspect and there's no reason why you should have known or would have known. It's at least partly for your protection too, as there have been some nasty people on emotionally raw threads.

Are you still with your friend? How long for? Can you tell her how you are feeling? I know that if a friend of mine were feeling as you are, I would want to listen, to help her, no matter what sort of state my own life were in - especially if I had lots of things to be happy about. I'd feel dreadfully guilty if she were in a bad way and kept it from me just because she didn't want to upset me.

As Badgers says. Don't get it deleted. It's ok to express your feelings. It didn't occur to me that your post was against MN guidelines. It's irrelevant which board your thread is under. Just start number 4 back in Relationships if you prefer. TeamSure will follow. You have touched so many of us with your courage.
Please go back to your GP as soon as you get back. Remember you are entitled to an emergency appointment - just another word for 'can't wait till you decide you've got time to see me'.
HOPE. Do your mantra.

I don't know what might be helpful for you to read.
But I wanted to let you know I'm here and thinking of you.

Sure, don't feel badly about your posting. You were venting, and here's a safe place to do it. We're all here for you.

Morning all. I'm really not feeling any better. My friend has gone off to work and we have to go back home. Ds dad nagging to take him. I really can't cope with being on my own right now. I can't go home to the empty house again. DS dad is starting the nastiness. At least if DS is here I have to put on a smile and do things to look after him and we can cuddle and talk about him and its distracting.
I'm also aware of not talking about certain things on here now which feels like I'm not able to be honest.
I'm worried about DS as well, he has a cough and if he goes with his dad and it gets worse he won't be allowed calpol or to see a doctor.
Also thinking about what 'professional help' (as badgers said up thread ) i can get once I'm home.. i don't want any more drugs and there is basically nothing else i can see. I've googled help for feeling you-know-what in my city and nothing really comes up. Just to phone helplines, and i really dont want to do that, i hate talking on the phone.

It all says talk to friends and family. Well i've only got my friend down here and lets face it my parents and sister would LOVE to see me struggling. It would confirm my role as the black sheep, the one with the problems, the failure, the pathetic one.

Sure, please don't dismiss the help you can get from anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs. I know the Citalopram wasn't right for you, but that doesn't mean that there isn't another one that is.
Please ring your GP when you get home and follow whatever the out of hours message suggests.
I'm sorry you feel so bad, but try and look on it as a temporary reaction to great trauma. Can you distance yourself from your feelings and sort of observe them rather than feel them? I'm so sorry I don't know exactly what to suggest, but I am thinking of you. You have come so far from your first post. Can you look back and marvel, as I do, at how far you've come?
Try and hang on to DS - he will be better off being ill with a lovely kind mum than your idiot ex.
And yes, please let it all out here. We're your safety valve. Your reaction to MN's deletion was so typical of you and why we're all still here with you. You apologised for inadvertently upsetting anyone, instead of sounding off at MNHQ. You are a lovely, lovely woman.

Def see about getting another AD; there are so many out there, one will be the one.

And as teeny said - try ot hang onto DS for a bit longer, for his sake as well as yours. He won't be properly cared for at his father's. Contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the child, noit the parent.

Can you stay in a B&B for a few more days?

Ds dad saying he won't bring him back for new years. I cant be on my own for new year..i planned to.be with ds. He's starting with the telling me whats going to happen again. I don't want DS to go, i have said no to today so now he has said he'll come first thing tomorrow.
I'm feeling really really upset

Can you ring 101? Please try and get some back up for your decision not to allow contact which is perfectly reasonable given your ex's strange views on making sick children suffer. I know the police have been useless in the past, but maybe your ex wouldn't force the issue if he knew he wasn't only dealing with you, who he's used to pushing around. He's another bully and coward.
Does anyone else have any other suggestions?

Yes, please phone 101 and tell them what ds' dad is like and what happened last time, and that you have decided no contact for the moment. Also, as ds is sickening it is important he stays with you so you can ensure he is treated appropriately.

If all else fails, can you just go out? I know it's not ideal when DS is not feeling great, but it might avoid the confontation.