Even when I was accused of going off with other guys, at least there was someone who actually cared, now theres nothing
Not "fucked up" at all.
I think that what I wanted to say is that.. no matter how bad or harmful a relationship has been, there will still be a feeling of "loss" or grief involved in the ending of that relationship. (Which you have expressed above) Combined with a frustration at feeling like that. so as well as being sad (normal emotion) you could be angry with yourself for feeling like that about the absence of a "bad thing" in your life (another normal emotion ) leading to extreme discomfort at the combination of the two feelings.
I might have oversimplified, there are probably much more than two emotions going on!
I think it is called cognitive dissonance ( ?) someone on here might be better informed? Whatever the word for it the feelings you are feeling are normal normal normal, even if those feelings don't all "agree".
The counsellor should help you to see where all the emotions are coming from, enabling you to 'let stuff go' at a pace that is right for you. and it really sounds like you have very quickly got to grips with this mindfulness stuff.
Do what you need to get it (that well of bitterness and anger) out, cry, shout, draw or paint, sing at the top of your voice or smash something (of minimal value and your own property ideally) to pieces. Write down what happened and how you feel, then have a little barbecue with the papers.
Visualisation can be very useful too. Repeatedly imagining the actions of closing and bolting a heavy door with the thing/person you are trying to 'lose' on the other side of it can be quite powerful. You know the kind that has a plank on two brackets, big heavy bolts top and bottom too. You are inside, in a warm and safe place, they are out in the darkness, gone.
I wish you all the best, and a peaceful Christmas. I'll not be doing much MN, but I will be checking in when I can 