Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

Sure, have you just finished your uni term? I'm wondering if your body has just been waiting for a suitable time to let go.
Please get some help to deal with panic attacks. I don't know what might be appropriate, but my brother was prescribed something for anxiety when he had them.
Keep on with the breathing and the mantra.

Okay the counting and breathing is definitely working, feel much more ' in the room' now, thank you for all the hand holding. I sipped on cold water and concentrated on that too which helped.
Still counting.
last night I met the PO for first time in his car, there was another officer there.. It was awful
He told me about what 'he' had said in interview which was awful, I think that's what started off the panic - I don't know.. then they went rhough what would happen procedure wise and what id have to do and timescales and the likelihood of it being taken to court and what would happen to me in court.
im not sure ive ever held it together like how I held it together in the back of that car.
I went straight out of there, into the bar, my friend said shit, youre white and shaking like a leaf..
I signed the statement to say i'm withdr4wing c0mplaint .. I think why im panicking is that I realised then that whatever way I go, I lose, if I keep on, it could be up to a year or more of awful stress, and I'd probably lose case anyway,even if it got to c0urt, which it might not, and if I stop it now he gets away with it, whatever happens I lose. I lose.

I woke up this morning with this feeling of dread, of a black weight on me, and I fixated all day on throwing a brick thru his window.. on the way to get DS I went past where he usually does his sport thing, pulled into the car park - he wasn't there, I sat there then went to drive out of the car park and he had just pulled up. I don't know what possessed me but something gripped me and I got out of the car and shouted his name, said oi I wanna talk to you - he looked like hed seen a ghost and started running away from me- probably cause he has no idea ive dropped everything and if he contacts me he breaches bail - I fucking ran after him saying I just want to know what your problem is??
Then I thought what am I doing, not before he was on the phone to someone and I went back and got in my car, he got in his and wheelspinned away.
In the po car they said 'he' said in interview that I was lying, that's just what i'm like and that never wants to see me again.. why am I feeling like the fucking criminal now - he did ALL of this.
I don't know why all of this is having this physical effect on me.
It was like the tables had tuened and he was the one on the run from me - I realise now how much he must really hateme - to treat me how he has for all these years .
The po said from personal opinion that from meeting and interrogating him he really disliked him and that he kept trying to make him see that he has treated me like pond scum for years but that he really couldn't see it at all.
It scares me

Teeny, I finished on Friday, loads of probs re my research project but I cant del with that now - I am not reading my uni emails

Please everyone don't tell me off for getting out my car in that fucking stupid car park - I know how ridiculous it is and I have no idea why I did it but I feel horrendous about it. How I knew he would be there is beyond me
I dontknow why I am always disappointed by people - I don't trust anyone - I even didn't want to get out of the p0lice car last night because the men in it were being nice to me - I cant think of any other time where a man has been respectful and kind to me without wanting something from me. It was so alien to me, I nearly asked them to take me back with them

I'm scared of whats going to happen.

See now I feel like youre all disappointed in me. I know its ridiculous. I just keep thinking maybe I was right all along, DS dad was right, maybe i'm just an awful person and that's why im alone, maybe I am the one that is such a cunt that nobody can stand to be around me

Sure, what you have just described feels stressful just to read.

I think you did what many of us would have done by feeling your fear and facing him and shouting at him. It is no surprise that he scuttled off. He had to scuttle off, he will be doing this a lot now the police have his number. What you did was brave and rash and shows that you are feeling angry.

OF course he is going to say you are lying- the alternative is to admit what he has done which he is never going to to do. He will only ever be FOUND guilty, he will never admit guilt.

What you have been through this weekend is huge. It is scary and it is understandable that you now feel very vulnerable and a bit lost. Any of us that had been through this would be feeling the way you are.

I suspect that he will leave you alone now, he wont want any more police sniffing around.

You can be free of him now. And it will take a while for all of this to sink in. And your bodily reactiom (panic) is entirely undestandable for what you are coping with. YOu are in "fight and flight " and at the moment are still dealing with both wanting to square up to him (how brave you were) and get away from him. Hence your body acting in the way it is.

Right now though, what matters is:

Can you get through tonight?
Tomorrow?

Sure, you are AMAZING.

sending hugs
Orange

Sure, we think you're bloody marvellous, and now there's no danger of you going back to him, I'm GLAD you went after him and frightened the life out of him. He so deserved it. I don't know if it was the right thing or not, but don't worry about it.
It bothers me that you think we only want to hear you when you're positive. Yes, we're delighted when you're positive, but it's better to be honest when you're not (as you have been tonight) and get some support. You are on a journey, but it's definitely a long and winding road.

sure, cut yourself a bit of slack.

You are not crazy.
You don to disappoint any of us.
You are dealing with one of the most difficult situations anybody can have to deal with

Well done for getting through that panic attack (that is certainly what you described seems to be) - breathing out longer than breathing in is really important. Counting helps to keep you 'right'.

Also yy to 'allowing' the panic to come, be with it, then 'allow' it to subside. Be with the horrible feeling, acknowledge it, don't pretend you don't feel awful, but remind yourself It Will Pass. I like adjusting the mantra to something positive - really good idea.

I bet you scared that living bejeezus out of him when you cam running after him - I can almost see it! Who can blame you - the tables have been turned and he is now running from you: can you take some feeling of control regained from that?

I totally understand your need to withdraw your complaint and I hope that gives you a little peace of mind. I am angry with the process that puts women in your shoes through such a gruelling and drawn-out process - fucking disgrace .

For you, there's just {{hugs}}
Onward and upwards

I think your confrontation was an entirely understandable reaction to what you've been through: you tried so hard to do the "right" thing, going through official routes and yet it took so long and the PO now says little prospect of a conviction, with proceeding at serious emotional cost to you, sounds like you just wanted a little bit of strength back. And maybe for him to take a tiny bit of responsibility for being vile.

But you have strength, despite him and DS dad trying to break you. You are triply not an awful person.

You have your lovely DS, you have your uni stuff, you have yourself. 'He''s an empty sack of bitter wrongness and you have so much more, and will achieve more than he can dream of.

I'm in awe of how much strength you've shown so far.

Hang on in there, you will get through this xx

Sure, can you picture doing that a year ago? Thought not. You're growing and "wise-womanning" up and I am SO proud of you. The car park thing: yeah, perhaps not the smartest thing you've done, but totally understandable, NOT tragic, nobody here disrespects you for it. Indeed, I applaud your new kick-ass attitude!

As to twunt's "defence", you do know he shot himself in the foot, right? He's trying to tell them he wants nothing to do with you, but his 90-bazillion texts show otherwise. Seriously! How stupid can he get?!?

Hope you're sleeping well tonight.

Hi Sure

Keep breathing and look after yourself tonight. Another mantra for you: I have done nothing wrong. Because you haven't. He abused you horribly and harassed you when you tried to walk away. Those are his crimes, not yours. You have behaved with courage and dignity under extreme circumstances. You have many people here who believe you and who are so proud of everything you have done and recognise how far you have come. No-one is disappointed in you.

Get through tonight, keep breathing, get some sleep and tomorrow is another day.

Wow thanks everyone, reading those messages makes me feel so much better!
It helps so much to be heard and understood.
Yeah, hopefully it did freak him out. I just worry that now bail conditions get dropped that he may retaliate - but I am going to try and ring WA tomorrow - if I can work up to it - to ask if I can still have my marker on the house in case he turns up. I swing from being so angry with him to devastated that he could A- treat me like he has and then B- try and turn it all around on me, whats wrong with him? I guess that must be why I shouted to him today that I just wanted to know what his problem is
I guess i'll never know.. I am just in the moment of being overwhelmed by everything that's happened. And all the other RL shit to deal with on my own.
I miss my Nanna.
I agree with you Pacific - this p0lice process has been horrendous and drawn out and pushed me to the edge - its just not fair. He will get away with it - as I said to PO last night: hes done this, he knows it, I know it, even the po said he 100% believes me, but he's get away with it and I look like a nutter, i'm the one in the back of a p0lice car struggling to breathe, i'm the one that's suffered here.. I don't know how i'll get past this and be "normal" again. I don't think I've ever been normal

IpokeBadgers - I do feel like i'm the one that's done something wrong - like i'm the awful person. I cant work it out.

'Normal' is overrated IMO

You will be stronger for this experience in the long run.
You will never again take shit like that from anybody - man or woman.
You will be an amazing role model for your DS.
And you can be whatever else you want to be - in your private and your professional life.

I agree with ThomasMara - look how far you've come, even just in a few short months and there must have been months of you being uncomfortable in your situation but you did not know what to do about it.
And here you are, you have done something about it and he's gone.

You now need time to lick your wounds - you will find your 'new' normal in the fullness of time.

Have I quoted Desiderata to you yet? - my favourite text in times of strife.

"And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

Your job is 'simply' to keep on going just now.

You are not an awful person. I don't know you as anyone other than the words I have read onscreen but I believe you are very much a product of the conditioning you received growing up and it left you super vulnerable to arseholes like "him"..... you didn't really stand a chance against someone like that.

You have come such a long way and you have shown a courage and strength that has a lot of people cheering you on. All these mumsnetters would not be supporting you and championing you and your DS if we thought you were awful.

You are not awful. You are not a bad person. You have not done anything wrong. You have struggled to deal with the shitty cards life has dealt you but you are turning it around. You are going to have an amazing life Sure.

Oh and yes yes to Pacific and Desiderata...got me through a lot when i was younger! Lol

^Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself^

I like this bit.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness -uhuh.. feeling that right now.
Thanks for being with me in spirit

Italics fail

Hey sure. You're doing so well. Really.

A thought about the feeling of being an awful person, the one in the wrong:

Could be you feel this way because you have started "breaking the rules" about who you're allowed to be and how you're allowed to behave. Doing that is almost always really scary, almost existentially so, because the rules are usually old and deeply ingrained. (Think about who made the rules - and whether those people are trustworthy in your experience.)

So yes, cut yourself loads of slack. You're going so bravely into uncharted territory and it's exhausting. Please don't doubt that you have support here.

Fears born of fatigue and loneliness....yip! That bit always resonated with me.

If you can, try and get some sleep/rest now Sure.

Hi Samething, you may be right, I think those rules were ingrained by my mother (and sister) quite early on. Probably my dad as well although he was (and is) mostly absent from my life and is quietl abusive now when I do see him.
Do not stick up for yourself or you will be punished.
You do not matter, you are at the bottom of the pile. We are the ones that matter, we have the right to ignore you.
You do not exist. When you speak it does not register with us or matter at all.

We have the right to abuse you, but if you react or defend yourself in any way you are the one that is wrong.

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here."

A right.
You have a right to be here.

You matter.
You matter a lot.

I hope you can get some sleep tonight, sure - I'm about to drop off.
Night, night x.