Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

Ok.
Breathe.

It's now out of your hands.
The police have --finally- done their bit; it took long enough.

Seriously, consider it their business and put it to one side.
There is nothing for you to do or say or worry about just now.
Look after yourself and DS.
Breathe and put one foot in front of the other and it will all resolve itself.

I am sorry you have to wait until Friday until you can speak to PO - that's hard.

Can you compartmentalise? You know, put it in a box and take it back out on Friday to allow you to keep going with all the other stuff you have on?

Massive hugs.
Hang in there.

x-posted with our last post.

For children everything is black and white - of course he wants to be loved (don't we all?) and your DS's relationship with 'him' will have been so much simpler and on a different level entirely from yours.

I think you are doing well not to slag 'him' off in front of DS, but it does not hurt to tell him (if appropriate and if the situation arises) that you and 'him' fell out or that he hurt you and that he is not coming back.

Your DS has you and that is the most important thing - I cannot stress enough just HOW important.

It may not feel like it just now, but you are doing so well, really you are.

your

I just want it to stop now, I don't know if i'm coming across right. Just - no more. It will be on my mind until its over, it was wrecking me before last weekend when I emailed PO saying I was walking away from it, he is not listening, i'm now jjust being dragged under the wheels of the punishment machine

Thing is Pacific its not their business. Its just like poking systematically at a wound that's trying to heal. I've asked them to stop so I can move on.
Am I making any sense?

Yes, you are making perfect sense.

When do you think it will be 'finished' for you?

When you've moved on with your life? Or when he is punished?
Or do you mean it would be most helpful for you if the whole complaint was dropped entirely?

I need to know it will stop in order to cope this week and I don't know that, I wont know that til Friday.
I have no interest in destroying 'his' life, to be honest what they described sounds pretty horrendous, he's been hunted the last few days and he's had his phone taken off him, been accused and questioned for hours and left in a cell all day, he's probably terrified. No he knows how it feels and for me it needs to stop there.
I do not want to have to go through any more process, I have no interest in ruining his life with a prosecution meaning he'll lose his job (works with kids).
He knows what he did, he now knows I told the truth and others think its unacceptable, he's been intimidated and scared shitless, he's been hunted, knocks on the door, the tables have been turned, I cant imagine how scared i'd be if I got arrested, he KNOWS he's done wrong so imagine how much worse it is for him.
But it is not in me to punish him, I just wanted him to know he was seriously in the wrong.
It will not sit well with me for the rest of my life to know I destroyed his.

I'm not sure when it will be finished for me.
Dragging this out is not helping me like I thought it would. Its actually ruining this year of uni so far and ruining xmas.

I am all for finding the good in things, and if anything the massive wait for someone to acknowledge what I was saying has taught me more about things than I anticipated. At first I felt so much weaker, after the WA thing, but as the months went on I found, through MN and RL that I had strength I didn't know I had. I realised I deserve better, not through the police coming down on him, but through it being o]pointed out on here the little things I did in every day life that were stronger than the long arm of the law.

Pacific - I think I mean the third option - even the notion that I may look like a twat doesn't deter me from feeling that I need to let it go.

You. Have. Not. Destroyed. His. Life.

If his life is changed forever by this - good.
He should not be allowed to work with children IMO; at least not without serious questions being asked.

No, dragging this out will not help you, but I fear nor would dropping it altogether.

Giving it it's appropriate place and space in your mind (no more and no less than that) will allow you to close this chapter of your life and get on with the rest of your future unfettered by walking on eggshells, being assaulted (sexually and verbally and emotionally), modelling a happy and independent woman to your son.

For you the priority is not to 'punish' him (although who could blame you if you did feel that need), but equally don't overstate what has just happened to him by the law catching up with him. He's had a few days/hours of stress and worry and yes, it may affect him professionally. How many years of abuse and 'learning' to accept that how he was treating you is 'normal' did you have?

Can you go back and read your very first OP? The one in which you ask whether this is ok or not?? You had to ask when the situations you described screamed 'abuse' and 'rape' at everyone of us .

Can you see your counsellor again soon? I think you need RL support to get your head around the last few months and events of the last few years.

x-posted again

Yes, you are so much stronger than you thought you were and you are beginning to realise and notice it.
This is why you have not only found the strength to not engage with him when he kept pestering you, but also feel able to 'drop' it.

I am just concerned that you feel you want to drop it like you would a hot potato because it's painful.
I am not convinced that even if all legal proceedings stopped, you'd actually be able to just forget all about it. The human mind does not work like that.

Sorry Pacific, its just sort of all tumbling out.
I know I wouldn't be able to just forget about it, of course not, but when I sit still with it and feel it all in my mind it just does not feel right to me to push on with it. Because I know him very very well, and this will affect him for the rest of his life - YES he deserves it, I can see NOW (with help from MN) how bad it was.
Yeah he deserves to know how it feels to be controlled, accused and intimidated. But does ANY of it make me feel any better? No, I am just wasting headspace on him, and being upset about it all, instead of moving on, and being able to concentrate on my son and my studies, which are waaaaaaaaay more important.

Let it all tumble out - that's what a whole bunch of interweb strangers can be quite good for

I do know what you mean, but I think you need to try and separate whatever happens to him from what happens to you and the rest of your life IYSWIM?
Nothing to do with revenge (and I know that was never your motivation) or even punishment (although one could argue that any civilised society demands and deserves to punish behaviour like his), but stepping back from the wheels that are in motion and 'emancipating' yourself from that process.

You go off and do your thing, uni/therapy/parenting-wise and do whatever helps you to feel better.
What happens to him is separate from that in that it is now beyond your control so try and let it go (bloody Frozen! - that used to be a useful phrase, now all I hear is Elsa singing).

I hope that you are wrong and that you will get some rest tonight anyway.

I think that's part of what bothers me, that its all beyond my control.

Thing is that I have to be involved, and all the time i'm involved, its that and him that's in my head, rather than the lit review I need to do by jan and the research supervisor that's disappeared or the exams I will be doing in January, or remembering DS' pe kit, or listening fully to him, not snapping at him, sticking up for him at school...

Sorry to jump in, I don't want to intrude but could you find a way to be ok with it being out of your control? To be blunt, is is out of your control (the actions of others) and will never be in your control. You don't need to feel responsible for him/ his life/the consequences of his actions.

Sorry, should be "it is out of your control..."

Sometimes it helps me to write down what bothers me, just to get it out of my head. It's sort of reassuring myself that I won't forget to take care of it or come back to it later if need be, as it's written down, but at the same time I can stop thinking about it for now. Could something like that help you? and YES to the counsellor again!! Especially if they already know your background and latest goings on.

Also - you have done nothing to "him"; he's done this to himself. I know you have loved him, but please stop feeling guilt about how the law comes down upon him; the law is there to protect decent folk who don't deserve what he did to you; like other women he might want to date. I am relieved that they finally caught up to him!!

I get it that you hurt, and that you hurt for him, but that just shows you're sensitive to others' feelings. Please don't let it weigh you down.

Wishing you lightness and good focus for DS and studies.

Yes, it is out of my control, but I started it off, and for ME, not him, the stress is too much. Whatever you say, they'll want more evidence (PO said as much in his email) , more prying into my life, wanting me to give evidence at court, and i'm not doing it.
Its not what I want.

I am worried about losing my degree over this.

Whitsernam, yeah I loved him, and obviously I (and DS today who hasn't seen him in ages) think about the good things. I also know his character and he will be devastated, he'll be worried sick about his job and his house, he has no one. Bit like me! But I don't rape people I love.

Well don't then. You can change your mind. You can say no. This is the climax of such a ridiculously long process, which you have had to try to live a normal life through, that now it has finally happened all the feeling and emotions shoot back up to the surface and it must all seem so raw. Please be kind to yourself, you've been through such a lot. Agree with pp that writing it all down might help. You have choices, please do what is right for you

Funnily enough after all we were saying about writing things down, telling my story etc, I decided to look at it as a thera peutic t00l for my research (sorry, petrified of anything linking)
Placem8nt visit in morning v similar - p3rinatal m3ntal h3alth -now quite topical due to recent events.. my DS was born in that hospital.
Midgeymum thank you. Yeah, I need to ruminate on whats right for me, it may not be the 'justice getting served happy ending'.
How I have learned on this journey.

You sound like such a resourceful person, it is to your credit and I'm sure you will have much to give to your chosen profession. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight and that all goes well tomorrow.

What a lovely thing to say, thank you so much. X