DH made a confession - do men/women really go to these lengths to as out someone they fancy?

[RainbowDash123]

Yesterday evening my husband out the the blue landed a bomb on me due to his guilt. Now I'm not sure if I can believe his version of events as to me this doesn't sound normal.

So 2 weeks ish ago DH got a weeks free trial at a huge gym. I used to be a member there myself.

He said that on the first day he went there after his work out, him and his friend stayed for a drink at the juice bar on the way out of the gym. (I know they serve free drinks and it does get packed out) he said he was sat with his mate then his mate recognised someone he knew so went and sat at another table for 5 mins. Other people started joining him at his table.

This woman joined him and started making convocation and introduced herself and he told her his name.

A couple of days later he saw her again and they briefly spoke, and the next time he saw her they just smiled and waved at one another.

He free trial was then up and he never went back.

Last week he went out Xmas shopping, the shopping centre he was at was a couple of mins from the gym. Before heading home he had a quick ciggie and checked his phone. There was a text from "gym girl" saying she hadn't seen him lately. Anyway long story short after texting a couple of times she asked him to meet her in the pub round the corner (as it was a coincidence they were so close)

According to him nothing happened, it was a quick drink. She asked if he was single and he said he was happily married and wasn't quite sure what he was doing here with her. So he said sorry and left.

Now he has said he didn't find her attractive and she was about 8-10years younger than me. But they did have quite a bit in common.

Now here's the bit I can't get my head round, he never gave her his number. He had to sign into the gym every time so say a form left on reception that all non members sign and he had to put his number on. He swears this is how she got it.

My heads in a bit of a pickle at the mo as this is so strange. And apperntly gym girl now won't stop texting him.

So, do people really go to these lengths to hunt down people they like?

I'd love to hear your stories as this is kinda serial and I've never had anything like this happen to me.

When did you last call a man a bunny boiler, Nillia?

haha! Very good.

Bunny boiler is a bit of a sexist term Nillia.

It's a symptom of a patriarchal society where the reactions and emotions of a woman who has been used and cast off by a man are dismissed as being irrational and psychotic.

Breaking into someone's house and killing their child's pet rabbit by boiling it (as per the film Fatal Attraction) is obviously a sign of mental instability. But the term "bunny boiler" is not really used in that sense; it is a way of dismissing women who have been treated badly by men as unreasonable.

It's not a phrase that is kind to other women.

Yes, and the married man who had the affair with the unstable woman was portrayed as an innocent victim

Sorry you thought I was joking.

Fatal Attraction was a shit movie. I thought he should have been outed utterly, kicked to the kerb, and shown at the end of the movie, standing dejected outside while his wife and child went on with their lives without him.

That would have been a better ending IMO. He was portrayed as a victim, but he was straight forward cheating scum.

I had a male friend who got picked up at the gym with this degree of vehemence. I think sometimes gyms and other member's clubs have a bit of "people like us" mentality, where it is a little easier to find out who someone is and what they do etc. Also, it isn't that hard to find people's mobile numbers these days.

Then again, the fact your DH met her is a problem. What reason did he give for meeting her? And have you seen her texts and their communication?

This whole thing is so unbelievable, though!

She mysteriously gets his number, despite him having only exchanged a couple of chats. Incredibly coincidentally, she texts him for the first time while he is out shopping near the gym, which is where she is! Texts are exchanged and they meet as they are so nearby! He realises in a blinding flash that he is married only when they are in the pub!

Even in that amazingly coincidental scenario, your DH only just manages to look - well, still slightly dodgy. Instead of replying 'How did you get my number - err no, I'm, married, I don't want to meet you' - he goes for a drink. But he doesn't find her attractive, oh no.

Simplest explanation, and one that doesn't rely on amazing coincidences? They meet at the gym and exchange numbers, quite possibly under a vaguely ok 'just being friendly' sheen. They start texting. They get flirty. They agree to meet in the town. Someone sees them. Damage limitation kicks in. The end.

OK. On the huge offchance that she did indeed get his number from the forms, and then rang him up out of the blue... He meets up with this woman he hardly knows but it's ok because "he has said he didn't find her attractive"... so that's all right then?! What if he had does find her attractive? What was he intending to do then?

Sorry OP, I agree with the others that he's been spotted with this woman and is trying to get his "story" in with you first to minimise it.

I think after your husband has shown you the texts, you should tell him to phone the gym up and officially complain about the breach of confidentiality...

Tenner says he won't

OP, are you sure your DH isn't very good at reading signals from women? It strikes me that he could be VERY good at reading signals from women if this is the 4th time it's happened.

I must have been in a pretty charitable mood when I posted earlier and taken his confession under guilt at face value. Reading other posts it's equally likely that he was spotted and wants to get his version of events in first.

Demand to see the texts - if there are any signs that he's deleted any (if he has an iPhone I believe you can retrieve deleted messages through the spotlight search or by whatever computer the phone is synced to). Don't give him chance to delete. Also, ask him who spotted him in a way that suggests that someone has contacted you "guess who called me earlier to say they'd seen you on your non-date", if the colour drains from his face you'll know he's lying.

He could be telling the truth, equally he could be lying his ass off (he's obviously lying about not giving her his number), you owe it to yourself to find out the truth.

Sorry, meant to say if he's deleted any, you know he's hiding something. It should be easy to tell if her texts are a stream of unanswered texts, or one side of a two way conversation, where half (his messages) have been deleted.

The problem is that Op's husband is a serial flirt who loves female attention. This is the 4th time fgs .
Op says that he is no Adonis ,therefore one can assume that he must be trying his utmost to charm these women.
Like others, I don't believe his cock and bull story. I believe that he gave her his number and that they have been flirting with each other .
I think that OP has to speak to her dh regarding boundaries.

This woman joined him and started making convocation and introduced herself and he told her his name. ... A couple of days later he saw her again and they briefly spoke, and the next time he saw her they just smiled and waved at one another. ... Anyway long story short after texting a couple of times she asked him to meet her in the pub round the corner. ... She asked if he was single and he said he was happily married and wasn't quite sure what he was doing here with her. So he said sorry and left.

If this was my DH i'd be VERY interested in how the woman got his number. I think it's key actually. I'd be moving heaven and earth to check out the truth of this. If it's not true then there's more bullshit to unearth.

If it's true and she did hunt down his number then you are left with the simple 'why did you meet her?' question.

And what does he mean 'she won't stop texting me'?? I'm sorry if I didn't want anyone texting me, they wouldn't. I would tell me face to face, change number, threaten to get police involved for harassment. He also must be replying to her if she continues to send messages!

I agree people will go to great lengths I they like you, my sister's friend went on a date with her optician after he got her details from the database! He emailed her 6 weeks after the appointment

No, you get married men who pretend to other women they are single and lead them on, then try to pretend they are innocent and have women chasing after them.

He sounds like he is playing out some kind of middle aged male role play fantasy. Is he on a dating site and is that how they really originally got in touch?

I'm sorry, I think your husband is a liar.

The red flag for me is he used his work phone number
He left his work phone at work when he told you about her.
Meaning someone said to him tell her about seeing that girl or I will.
Otherwise if planed to tell he would have bought work phone home as evidence .
Expect the work phone not come home for few nights and some deflated txt have look on amazon to see if you buy some to read the txt s on old phone

Well, a few weeks ago I went to our local leisure centre and they asked me whether I'd mind giving them my email address so they can keep in touch. I wrote it on a list they had at the desk, together with my name. The following week I went back and there, on the counter right next to me as I paid, was the list with my email address clearly displayed (and a few others added). So his explanation of how she got his number seems quite plausible to me.

It sounds like he is making up excuses in case you see texts from her in his phone.
And this is the 4th time you say?

Ah your poor naive innocent DH, who this just keeps happening to... 4th time, wow!

How jolly convenient that he was just around the corner from the pub at the exact time the OW texted him. Of course he would have to go and meet her for a drink, it'd be rude not to, right?

And oh dear, his phones is in work, where he will be able to check, edit and delete any evidence before you are allowed to have a look.

What a series of unfortunate coincidences. A cynic might think he was spotted out with the OW by someone who knows you, and is preparing his story.

The following week I went back and there, on the counter right next to me as I paid, was the list with my email address clearly displayed (and a few others added). So his explanation of how she got his number seems quite plausible to me.

Either this woman has a photographic memory - to be able to quickly 'scan' through all the numbers, names and email addresses, then find it, then is somehow able to memerise it all done in the few seconds it takes to sign or swipe yourself in!

Or she would have had to have written the details down, in front of the receptionist and that would have looked suspicious?

He SO gave her his number.

As another poster says, this is more than likely what really happened:

They meet at the gym and exchange numbers, quite possibly under a vaguely ok 'just being friendly' sheen. They start texting. They get flirty. They agree to meet in the town. Someone sees them. Damage limitation kicks in. The end.

Despite having said I'd do this sort of thing, etc, OP, I do think your instincts matter. You've lived with the man for ages, you know more of his little ways than you realise. If you felt something was fishy when he told you, chances are your feelings were right.
How fishy remains to be seen.

Writing that's just made me realise ... Does he make random friends when you're together? When I go on holiday, for example, I pick people up left, right and centre even if - no, make that especially when - I'm with a partner. My tendency to 'gather' people happens all the time, not just when I'm alone and with members of the opposite sex.

I'm guessing this doesn't describe your H?

I can smell the bullshit from here ....