DH made a confession - do men/women really go to these lengths to as out someone they fancy?

[RainbowDash123]

Yesterday evening my husband out the the blue landed a bomb on me due to his guilt. Now I'm not sure if I can believe his version of events as to me this doesn't sound normal.

So 2 weeks ish ago DH got a weeks free trial at a huge gym. I used to be a member there myself.

He said that on the first day he went there after his work out, him and his friend stayed for a drink at the juice bar on the way out of the gym. (I know they serve free drinks and it does get packed out) he said he was sat with his mate then his mate recognised someone he knew so went and sat at another table for 5 mins. Other people started joining him at his table.

This woman joined him and started making convocation and introduced herself and he told her his name.

A couple of days later he saw her again and they briefly spoke, and the next time he saw her they just smiled and waved at one another.

He free trial was then up and he never went back.

Last week he went out Xmas shopping, the shopping centre he was at was a couple of mins from the gym. Before heading home he had a quick ciggie and checked his phone. There was a text from "gym girl" saying she hadn't seen him lately. Anyway long story short after texting a couple of times she asked him to meet her in the pub round the corner (as it was a coincidence they were so close)

According to him nothing happened, it was a quick drink. She asked if he was single and he said he was happily married and wasn't quite sure what he was doing here with her. So he said sorry and left.

Now he has said he didn't find her attractive and she was about 8-10years younger than me. But they did have quite a bit in common.

Now here's the bit I can't get my head round, he never gave her his number. He had to sign into the gym every time so say a form left on reception that all non members sign and he had to put his number on. He swears this is how she got it.

My heads in a bit of a pickle at the mo as this is so strange. And apperntly gym girl now won't stop texting him.

So, do people really go to these lengths to hunt down people they like?

I'd love to hear your stories as this is kinda serial and I've never had anything like this happen to me.

Why on earth would he go meet an almost random woman for a drink? No, do not take his 'was just being nice' for an answer. Picture how it was in a text: she asked him, he agreed, they discussed location, time etc... This is premeditated thing, he knew what he was doing. No way would you arrange all that, 'for no reason whatsoever' or 'just being nice'. Wouldn't he have things to do after the gym, rather than go for a drink with someone he doesn't know, to talk about God knows what?
Sorry, not buying it. And you shouldn't be either.

I smell bullshit here.

His story sounds just a bit too well-crafted, with the aim of painting him as the unfortunate innocent in this.

and then, "My DH isn't great at reading signals where women are concerned. He thinks they want to be his friend. This has lead to a few issues in work now 3 times. So this is the 4th."

I suspect he knows quite a bit about reading women's signals and I suspect that these "misunderstandings" will keep happening...

I can understand that he could naively thought that women from work or those met socially could just want to be friends, when they wanted more. But the fact she's got his number by literally 'stealing' it without his permission should have surely alerted him that she has her sights on him, plus the fact that she's got his number this way should immediately told him she's not to be trusted.
So going for a drink after that? I'd be happier if they just went for a quick drink after being in the gym at the same time. Seems like he was flattered by attention, or that he is generally a bit bored and wants mild thrills, but over in the pub she made it clear she fancies him so he s backed off as all he wanted was a bit of a ego boost! especially as you say, OP that he's not good looking or whatever and might enjoy being flattered by women as he's so irresistable despite of that.

sorry, 'could think'

I think there are two questions here. Firstly the one you ask:

So, do people really go to these lengths to hunt down people they like?

and secondly, irrespective of the answer to your question, is his account likely to be true.

Do people really go to these lengths to hunt down people they like?

100% yes! Sexual attraction is a very powerful thing. It's brought down governments and armies. What you describe as "these lengths" (ie. looking him up on the gym sign in sheet) in the scheme of things is very minor. Most people have done something on the scale of "hunting people down" as you put it - ranging from at college getting your mates to come with you and hang round the bar/coffee shop where you known HE will be, going to a party specifically in case HE/SHE is there, to more pro-active Facebook searching, asking friends of friends for a phone number to the top end semi-stalking. So yes they do. It's pretty standard to be honest - especially when younger.

Second question, is his account of how he got her number likely to be true?

Possibly. I wouldn't rule out; it's pretty unlikely if he was with his friend (unless his friend is a player) he would give out his number at that first meeting in front of his friend who knew he was married for no reason to a total stranger who was flirting with him.

However, how she got the number isn't really the big issue here. It's what happened afterwards. He went to meet her. Zorba's post is good analysis. Why do you go to meet someone like that? What did she say to him? It wasn't going to be "hey could you come to discuss a business problem I have" was it?

I agree with those above who say the rest of the story is implausible if she hasn't had some encouragement from him. "She won't stop texting him" - people don't get to that stage unless there was some initial encouragement. It's often how stalking starts - a bit of interest, suspected to be reciprocal, once withdrawn, lights a raging bonfire of lust.

So really I don't think how she actually got his number is important. It maybe true; it maybe another lie - but in the scheme of the incident as a whole, it's minor and distracting you.

My DH isn't great at reading signals where women are concerned. He thinks they want to be his friend. This has lead to a few issues in work now 3 times. So this is the 4th.
. Sounds convenient. Does he have some kind of mental illness?

I have found myself in a position like your dh. I was the one who in a moment of madness gave my number out. A random in a bar who said I was stunning. Without hesitation I gave it to him. No idea why apart from I was flattered. I ended up changing my number quickly before anyone found out. My DH did Simular with his email and it turned into a affair.
In your situ tho as he has told you off his own back I dont think anything went on here. He shouldnt have gone and engaged with this woman full stop.

I have been on the receiving end of a trier this week. I had a app last week with a new bank for a account. The guy seemed very friendly with me and knew I was married as he pursuaded me to get a mortgage quote this week with his colleague/ housemate. He took all my details for his records email mobile ECT.
This weds I go for my mortgage quote consultation this new guy asks me how I like to go by. My first name. Shorter first name or my nickname that in no way relates to my name. I look puzzled and he back tracks. Later on I check out my fb page and in the "people you might know bar" is a picture of the first bank dude I had my appointment with. During my second appointment I saw him and he was chatting to me making me tea ECT. He has clearly used my email/mobile to check me out on facebook as I am not listed under my real full name. I have got to go back next week again. So I think yes people will go to great lengths if they like you!

I think this sounds like a carefully (and rather detailed) backstory that he's invented. I'd be prepared for a concerned friend telling you that he/she spotted your fella in a bar with a woman outside of your usual friend circle.

Sorry, but I'm a cynical old witch

He's lying, I'm sorry. Go to the gym and see his name on the list (I'll almost guarantee he won't have used his work number). I imagine he's told you because someone you both know saw him with this woman and he thought spinning this tale would save any further explanation if this person drops him in it. I would do some quiet investigation before confronting just in case by some very slight chance his very odd story is true. I hope for your sake it's true but my bullshit-ometer smells otherwise.

I think Emstheword has it. Also, this is the 4th incident?

Only you know your DH, though, OP. Hope it works out and he's not been deceiving you.

Would he give out his work number at the gym - yes. He uses his work phone quite often as its old and the battery life is amazing compared to his smart phone. When the phone comes back from work I will see if I can sneak a look as it logs all calls and sms in the log and it shows a preview of each text even if its been deleted.

He was out Xmas shopping and that eve he did bring a bag in and hid it upstairs so when he's out tomorrow I'm going to take a look at the recipets as it should say time and date so I can get straight in my mind if its plausible. All this could be pre planned, who's to say those gifts were bought that same day.

What he has told you doesn't add up.

It just didn't.

Not least that his first reply to the girl wasn't: 'how did you get my number' and 'I'm busy shopping for the wife's Xmas present'...

Sorry op but his whole story and behavior is just so fishy.
Firstly why did he have to meet her at the pub?
Why did it take him to meet her to realize he's married and not when she suggested meeting in the first place.
So she must be pretty desperate then to 'keep messaging him' if he told her he was married? And why not just block her number??
If this is the 4th time you are dealing with this type of situation it should send massive warning bells to you.

Fwiw my DH is not that great at 'reading signals' but he sure wouldn't meeting up with women on the sly.

He didn't find her attractive (ha!) but they had quite a bit in common? And this he knows from a chat at the gym cafe while his mate was at another table and from a later 'brief' chat?

Op, I think it's you not reading the signals here. :(

Based on what you have said, I believe he is lying. There are women who will go out of their way to pursue a man, but this doesn't usually happen without encouragement.

Sounds like his confession is out of guilt/to cover his back if you ever come across suspicious texts etc.

Oh dear. Some of us really can't read signals. A man at work who I said hello to and chatted to asked for my number. I gave it to him thinking it would be quite vain of me to assume he fancied me. Cue drunken phone calls begging me to marry him.

I'd say men and women can go for drinks and it doesn't have to mean they've got a 'thing'. Your dh did the right thing by leaving when it transpired she was interested like 'that'.

So when a near stranger texted him, he didn't ask where they had got his number? After many more texts, and a RL meet up in a pub?

Bullsheeeet. Sorry.

Ok so it's usual the obvious explanation that turns out to be true.

He gave her his number, he met her for a drink, he told you because he felt guilty. He was probably momentarily flattered by the attention and realised he'd taken it too far when he met her for a drink.

I don't think it's LTB time, but he needs to be honest and fess up to giving her his number. You also need to be clear what you are and aren't prepared to accept in your relationship.

I don't know. I think his hand may have been forced by her or someone else...

The obvious way she got his number is that he gave it to her. That they have been texting and meeting. That they are doing so local to you and may have been seen.

^^
This!!!

Sounds to me like he's lying. All a bit too innocent on his part.

I think he probably almost got caught up in it, has decided to 'come clean' before you became suspicious/saw something incriminating.

Him 'bringing home his phone' is hardly proof as could have been edited etc...

I don't think it's a full blown affair but I do think he encouraged it to a degree, gave out his number and has had cold feet about progressing further.

Not great that similar issues have already occured though.

Yes people do things like this. But ask yourself what you would do or how you would feel if someone got in touch with you after taking your number from somewhere like that.

I wouldn't respond. I would find it creepy to be perfectly honest. I can't understand why your happily married husband would meet up with someone under these circumstances. Hate to say it but I think there is a little more to the story than he is letting on.

The thing that would worry me here the most is what he told me on the day it happened. When you said "how was your day, any news?" Or whatever, he didn't say "yeah, weird thing happened, this woman from the gym text me and blah blah"
So unless you don't share your day with each other he lied to your face.

And this phone that he gives out the number of he has left at work for an entire weekend?

But she hasn't gone to particular lengths, has she?

Sounds like she's struck up conversation with a guy who gives all the right signals (!!the poor innocent lamb...I don't think!) - either he's actually given her his number, which I think is sadly the most likely, or she's managed to get it from reception. She has no idea he's married. Imagine the post on here:

'Got talking to a fab guy at the gym. Eye contact, laughs, we had so much in common. No mention of any partner. Seen him around a few times and there's definitely a flirty air. I could get his number from reception really easily, should I? Nothing ventured...'

Replies would probably be 50/50!

Unfortunately, the simplest explanation is probably the true one. It's far more likely that your DH is a serial flirt who gave her his number, they've met, and he's confessed a semi-true story because he fears he's gone too far with the fun - maybe someone saw them together? Normally friendly guys also don't tend to have endless 'issues' with women 'misunderstanding' them I'm afraid!

It's a good idea to check the receipts. One proven lie here would be a BIG pointer to the truth.