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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why do some men suddenly go cold after three months?

240 replies

dontcallmehon22 · 15/11/2014 16:21

I've had two three month short relationships this year. Both with men who declared love very early on, were very very intense and passionate etc etc. Both dumped me after three months exactly. They both suddenly turned their feelings off like a light switch.

Guy two really hurt me. He'd introduced me to his family and friends, told me he'd never hurt me, bought me gifts, planned days out, cooked for me, talked about the future etc. He knew about guy one and told me to trust him, I was too important to him. He thought about me all the time. Thought about what our future would look like all the time. Then suddenly it's over and he disappears from my life. Just like that. No emotion. No explanation. He seemed to go off me a week before it happened, didn't seem as affectionate/complimentary.

I just don't understand it. I'm questioning what is wrong with me. My self esteem is at rock bottom right now.

OP posts:
Cantbelievethisishappening · 15/11/2014 17:53

At least you now have a reasonable yard stick

dontcallmehon22 · 15/11/2014 17:54

No I wasn't aggressive and I don't have an alcohol problem. But I said 'You think you've got a better postcode than me, but your house could fit in my garden.' Blush Blush. Then on the tram home I just snoozed on his shoulder.
Not proud of it. I was wrong. Maybe it was my fault. But three months in when he professes to love me, I thought he might be able to forgive me.
I don't drink at all at home and when I'm out I will drink and often get drunk - but that's maybe once a week at most.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 15/11/2014 17:57

Or it could just be what I call "relationship milestones" as in...

3 months and a year. Ive also dumped after 3 months or a year quite a bit. Nothing wrong with you at all. It's just the way it is.

TeapotDictator · 15/11/2014 17:57

I remember your posts about the previous guy. It sounded very similar, and you sound here again totally focussed on the man and what they think of you and what you must have done or be like to facilitate this change in their behaviour.

I really think you need to stop dating until you can read over a thread like this and really 'get' what people are saying about these types of men. What kind of a person makes all these plans, steams ahead with all the seriousness and 'future faking', and then turns it all off equally quickly and disappears? Men who have SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM, that's who! Men who are in love with the idea of being in love perhaps, or men who are troubled in some other way. Men who don't want women to be living breathing three-dimensional creatures for them to rub alongside in a team-like fashion, but who want them to be perfected objects featuring in the life story that is THEM.

And if you read over your reaction to that, and to your statements about what it is you like and look for, you fit their role perfectly. You want to be swept off your feet, you like to be made to feel 'wanted', 'the one', a 'princess'.

It is all wrong. All of it. And until you fix this need for drama, the need for relationships to be about a fix, a hit, a high... you won't get the steadiness that comes from real relationships built on solid foundations.

(PS I say this not from the great height of my lofty pedestal - I am divorcing and am determined not to get involved with anybody until I can fix my similar issues.)

MiniTheMinx · 15/11/2014 18:02

I'm going to say something a bit different, for balance. I think it might be wrong to lay blame with anyone. A relationship of any kind takes two people.

I have read the other thread and know some of the background Dont I think you are right, you do possibly attract a certain kind of man, and having attracted them, play out a very specific kind of narrative. Its not a fault. I think these men, like anyone, are just as capable of reading people. You get sucked into this romantic whirl, you get on the ride and you get dizzy, and you enjoy this. They can see this and like you, going through the motions of falling in love, playing out this grand romantic narrative and enjoying this intense stage is fun. Be silly to suggest otherwise.

The problem with this, is not the rate at which a relationship moves, or how much time one spends with someone, or even if you commit to spend the rest of your life together on date two. The problem is not time, but one of reality. With this sort of romantic narrative, there is no room for imperfections, for real life stresses, or even for real people.

Each plays a part in this narrative and when the day comes that one is not playing that part, and the real person is revealed, with any faults (and we all have them) then the other person can't put the two versions of that person together. "how can Dont be so perfect, so lovely, kind, and gentle but so drunk and so disgusting to actually vomit in public"

And that is your problem. Take off the romantic goggles, the writers need for perfection, and concentrate your mind on realities. Be yourself, really be yourself from day one, say "take me as you find me, warts and all" and be sceptic, just as other's have said. I mean would you buy a second hand car after a half hour spiel that was flowery and only told you all the good points, or would you ask more questions?

Tinks42 · 15/11/2014 18:05

People try "each other on for size" and if they don't fit after a bit then that's it. All this "over analysis" stuff is rather mad.

dontcallmehon22 · 15/11/2014 18:23

You're right of course Tinks - but I really do attract a very particular man. My last ex told me he loved me more than anyone he'd ever met before, whisked me away to Paris twelve weeks after our first date and would stare at me for hours. This one was very similar - not quite as gushing, but constantly talking about the future and talking about how right and perfect we were together. Then with both men - cold. Nothing. That's not a normal relationship, surely?

OP posts:
HelloItsMeFell · 15/11/2014 18:29

It's almost as if it was a game, to get me to fall in love with him. He once sent me a text that said 'It's you. I've found you.' I lapped it all up of course.

Yes that's exactly what it is. I've experienced it too. It's the thrill of the chase, the challenge of wooing you, the being in love with the idea of you that evaporates once having you becomes a reality.

I have no idea why some men seem to thrive on this and then run for the hills once they've achieved their objective but there are lots of them about. Hmm

Tinks42 · 15/11/2014 18:31

Maybe they are arseholes with issues then OP. Go at your own pace then, value your own "settings" and don't get sucked in. If someone stared at me for hours I'd think they were odd/ ask if I had a booger on my face. Don't think there's something wrong with you all the time, it's a vicious circle and leads to a self esteem issues.

This "I attract men that are twits" is self fulfilling, tell them to lighten up and take you for what you are.

Tinks42 · 15/11/2014 18:34

That was a time for you to evaluate whether they were right for you as much as was for them.

Dirtybadger · 15/11/2014 18:39

What tinks said, you sound quite "gushy" about them, as they are you. It all sounds a bit Disney. I think you need to take a decent chunk of time to "get real" about how normal functioning relationships work and what to expect in them.

Sorry, "get real" isn't a nice phrase but it's what I had.

I don't know if it was a thread of your before or someone elses but someone else posted about a bloke in a very...idealistic?...way. It was a while back, though. It gives me the shivers. There's something very strange about the dynamic, and I think you are very fortunate that both of these relationships finished fairly swiftly.
Do you feel like you are particularly "keen" on a relationship thus losing some objectivity when it comes to pulling out when things get too heavy? Are you quite happy single or someone who prefers (substantiall) to be in a relationship?

Tinks42 · 15/11/2014 18:40

OP, didnt it creep you out at bit? Didn't a little voice say to you, this is too good to be true?

dontcallmehon22 · 15/11/2014 18:42

I want to be in a relationship. I hate being single. I'm definitely taking some time to get used to being alone now and to think about how I can avoid this ever happening again. I guess I'm looking for my self esteem to be validated by a man. I'm not feeling good about myself at the moment. I get swept along with the promises and presents and then my whole sense of self worth is shattered when the bubble inevitably bursts. It's not a healthy dynamic.

OP posts:
dontcallmehon22 · 15/11/2014 18:44

No, Tinks I loved it. I felt special, adored. It was going to be my happy ever after. I'm being completely honest here. I do realise how ridiculous that sounds. I find reality depressing and mundane and a dose of fantasy was what I needed for a little while.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 15/11/2014 18:49

OP I get the "missing jigsaw" bit, I really do but one size doesnt fit all. There's a huge plus side to being single you know. I can do whatever I want when I want. I can stay up watching my "hollywood housewives" programmes till 2am if I want. I can eat crisps in bed. I can pick my nose and fart all over my house if I so wish. I know relationships take compromise and not having to is a wonderful thing Grin

Dirtybadger · 15/11/2014 18:51

The feeling validated by these men is definitely coming across in the description you give.
Stay single until you have learned that it's okay, and could take or leave a relationship. When you're happy single you'll be more discerning about who you leave singledom behind for.

That and trying to get your head around the fact that your relationships won't be like off the telly! Hollywood depicted relationships are invariably dysfunctional and not to be aspired to.

dontcallmehon22 · 15/11/2014 18:52

I guess so, but I really hate being alone. I feel better as part of a couple. But I know I need to be content alone before I meet the right man. I like to convince myself at the start of relationships that I really have met the right man. I don't know what they mean when they say 'I love you' because I don't really think it is love at all.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 15/11/2014 18:54

Fantasy is just that though OP. Who told you that being with a man was the be all and end all at whatever cost?

NightTimeCometh · 15/11/2014 18:55

When I met my XDP I was fairly newly out of a LTR with a man who showed me very little interest an daffection.

When I met XDP he listened to me, made me laugh, told me he loved me within weeks, proposed within a few months, took me to Paris blah blah blah - he gave me everyhting I needed at that time. He wasn't a bad person, but he wasn't right for me but because I was so starved of affection etc I soaked up everything he put my way.

I've been on my own now for 2 years and have made a life for myself as a single person. I genuinely am happy and althugh I'd like a relationship I now know what I want and don't want.

I'm now confident in myself so I can easily dismiss men who I know not to be suitable, rather than accepting them just because they are interested in me and saying the right things.

dontcallmehon22 · 15/11/2014 18:55

I think both men had quite an objectifying view of women. They both liked me to look a certain way. They liked me to be perfect I think. I think I feel a bit pathetic and helpless and am looking for a man to come and rescue me from my life maybe.

OP posts:
dontcallmehon22 · 15/11/2014 18:56

I just want that perfect family unit. I look around and see happy families and couples and feel very low about my situation.

OP posts:
Flibbertyjibbet · 15/11/2014 18:57

My ex was like this at first. I was his perfect woman and he was professing his love after a few weeks, introducing me to everyone as the most amazing girl he'd ever met.

you've had a lucky escape. I ended up leaving him 5 yrs later in just the clothes I stood up in.

When you got drunk you let him see that you're not this romantic image of his perfect woman. You're just a normal person with flaws but these men can't accept that.

Mine would get angry and accuse me of showing him up etc when I was just a normal person. Be glad yours has dumped you instead of trying to change you.

dontcallmehon22 · 15/11/2014 18:58

Yes I think you're right flibberty. I was beating myself up for being drunk - but now I see that actually, if it had been right, he'd have accepted me, warts and all.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 15/11/2014 18:58

Lust is the start, love grows. I know there will probably be loads of people now saying that they knew instantly that the person they first locked eyes on was the "one".... It was still "lust" in my book sprinkled with a whole lot of luck.

NightTimeCometh · 15/11/2014 18:59

I don't know what they mean when they say 'I love you' because I don't really think it is love at all

They mean I want to shag you and then keep you for a few weeks before I move onto the next one.

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