Why do some men suddenly go cold after three months?

[dontcallmehon22]

I've had two three month short relationships this year. Both with men who declared love very early on, were very very intense and passionate etc etc. Both dumped me after three months exactly. They both suddenly turned their feelings off like a light switch.

Guy two really hurt me. He'd introduced me to his family and friends, told me he'd never hurt me, bought me gifts, planned days out, cooked for me, talked about the future etc. He knew about guy one and told me to trust him, I was too important to him. He thought about me all the time. Thought about what our future would look like all the time. Then suddenly it's over and he disappears from my life. Just like that. No emotion. No explanation. He seemed to go off me a week before it happened, didn't seem as affectionate/complimentary.

I just don't understand it. I'm questioning what is wrong with me. My self esteem is at rock bottom right now.

I just want that perfect family unit.
It doesn't exist.

What's with this "man beating" thing on here. It works both ways. Ive done the 3 month dump. Ive shagged someone rigid and decided they weren't for me. Them "menz". Its up to a "person" as an individual to either sleep with someone or not surely.

Aw that sucks! I feel for you and I've been there myself. Please read this article from the excellent Baggage Reclaim website on 'future fakers', I think you may find it helpful.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-why-you-find-it-hard-to-get-over-someone-that-future-faked-and-fast-forwarded/

dontcallme

Read this:

esteemology.com/the-three-phases-of-a-narcissistic-relationship-cycle-over-evaluation-devaluation-discard/

Sounds to me like you are attracting/attracted to Narcissists. Their wooing technique is to mirror back to their partner that person's ideal fantasy partner. They are very skilled at reading people and present all this "I love you/want to marry you/I've never met anyone so perfect for me". But upset them in any way and they are done with you.

It's all fake. All of it. And a normal person finds this a total shock because it seemed so intense and real. When the rug is pulled away it is devastating.

There is a lot written on the devaluation and discard if you want to read more, just google it.

I'm the same as you I don't like being on my own,but it's better to be single for a while and a bit miserable then to keep putting yourself through this.some men unfortunately pick up on what your feeling and use it.as for "embarrassing" him what rubbish,I have an attitude now where I think stuff you I am who I am take it or leave it,that's just what you need to do (easier said then done) but you've done nothing wrong

selfloathing that description matches both guys. Guy two in particular was very very consumed with how other people saw him. He would become very upset at a perceived slight, disproportionately so. Once on the train he tried to stroke a man's dog and the man asked him not to. He focused on that incident for ages afterwards, wondering why.

He was very concerned with what his friends/family thought of me and whether I fit in. he would often joke that I was not to make a show of him, but now I think there was an element of truth to that. He usually went for stick thin girls, but he liked my figure (I'm a size 10). He was quite superficial I think.

Both men dumped me very abruptly for a sudden misdemeanour on my part. They then switched instantly from all consuming love to cold detachment/absence.

chaseface I think after my experiences, if the man didn't lay it on thick straight away, I'd think they weren't interested.

Ughhh, you are well rid, and it sounds like a good thing that the relationship didn't go over the 3 month mark. He sounds just like a narcissistic, emotionally abusive ex of mine. In fact, if he happens to be a policeman, it's probably the same bloke ;-)

you're lucky its just your pride that got hurt and he didn't fleece you in the process.

Why did you feel the need to say what you said when you were drunk that time? It sounded as if you were getting defensive for some reason. Do you know what brought that on?

That narcissist description is exactly accurate. I was attracted to guy two's charm, but he did tell me that he got bored easily and had a short attention span. He told me about one ex he'd had who sobbed, screamed and cried when he dumped her (she wasn't well) and then one he'd gone completely no contact with after two months. Just disappeared. But of course 'I wouldn't do that to you.'

The first time he told me he loved me, I told him I loved him too. The next day he pretended that he hadn't said it at all and questioned me about that fact that I'd said it to him. Made me feel a bit embarrassed. I wondered if I'd imagined what he'd said.

You said earlier "I tried to get him to slow down" - don't do this. When you notice they're moving too fast just cut your losses. It's never a misunderstanding, it's a red flag. If anything then you say - ONCE - "This is moving a bit too fast for me" but don't try to explain or persuade. Give them the information and if they are not acting on it - drop.

You're right that you're wrapping your happiness up in a relationship rather than creating it for yourself. Is that perhaps because you are worried that if you create your self esteem for yourself then you won't be open to a relationship? Because this isn't the case - in fact when you have your own self esteem you can have MUCH more satisfying, healthy and happy relationships.

The ways we tend to look for self esteem in relationships are these:

• Looks - we want someone to find us sexy and desirable. So streamline your wardrobe, get rid of old clothes you hate or that never suited you, only own and therefore wear clothes you actually like. Find a good hairdresser - ask around and be prepared to spend more than you usually would - and get your hair done in a way that suits your look and lifestyle (e.g. if you can't be arsed with styling it every day, ask for a style which is low maintenance.) Get fit if you want to, sort out problem skin/teeth/etc - whatever will make you feel good, confident, attractive in your opinion. Not what somebody else thinks.

• Pride - it's nice to have someone to be proud of our achievements and push us to do things. So go and DO some stuff that makes you feel proud or fulfilled or satisfied. Don't wait around for someone to give you a push, anything that makes you feel proud, do more of that. Hobbies, work, training/courses, parenting, DIY/craft projects around the house, things you think are too difficult (bet they are not!)

• Future plans. Make them for yourself! And then actually start taking steps towards them. It's not cutting out the possibility of a relationship to make plans, so don't wait around for someone to come along to make them with. You'll be amazed how easily the right person will slip right into the plans that you made for one, and it gives you another useful marker - if a partner starts walking all over the plans you've made, throwing them out and making new ones, it's a big red flag.

• Presents etc - OK it would be a shallow person who was in a relationship for the presents, but it's the idea of spending money and time on frivolous things for you which is thrilling and a lot of people (especially when they have children) don't feel able or that they "should" spend money on themselves in this way but when a partner does it it makes them feel good. So do it - treat yourself. Whatever it is, assign a portion of your budget to your own personal wellbeing/happiness. Whatever it is, it could be counselling, a weekly/monthly appointment to get your hair or nails done nicely, an hour in a coffee shop with a slice of cake and a magazine or a book, something nice for the house, buying the mid-range product rather than the absolute cheapest one when you need something, weekly takeaway/posh ready meal, savings for a holiday, an extra half day in nursery/childminder for the DC where you don't have to go anywhere or do anything. Remind yourself that yes you ARE worth it and it is valuable to spend money in this way, not wasteful. Note if you have DC, this money is NOT to be spent on them! It is for YOU, to make you feel like the special lady you are, not just the current "special lady" in somebody's long line of dates. Even with the most stretched of budgets, spare something small or even just take out time. Meditation, a relaxing bath with candles, anything.

Yes I do, Ihate. He would often make jokes about my area (which is not a rough area, just not as upmarket as his). He wouldn't go out in my local area and I was, in my drunken mind, trying to defend where I lived I think.

Thanks for that bertie that's really helpful. I will try to do things for myself. Lookswise I am pretty confident, though my self esteem is low in other areas, but to be honest I think that's why I attract narcissists who like me to look good for them. I think future plans is a good one. I'd like to take a holiday somewhere.

Baggage Reclaim is excellent and I nearly linked to the very same article :) Read absolutely everything you can drink in on that site, it's brilliant.

You have a happy family unit - look at you. You and your DC. How lovely is that? I remember one year DSis and I bought one of those ornaments of little animals etc that they sell in jeweller's shops, it was three elephants with a little mouse holding a placard saying "Love is a family". She usually thinks those ornaments are twee but she loves that one - she always said she got fed up of every depiction of a family being four, our family was great just us three.

Have you ever heard of the Freedom Programme? That's very good for helping shed this idea of how a relationship should be (which is actually unhealthy, with the coming on strong showering with gifts presentation) and learning about how healthy relationships look. Baggage Reclaim is good at explaining this stuff too, they have an online course and there's a book you can buy. Freedom Programme can be online or an actual course you go to. Really worth it I reckon.

"I look around and see happy families and couples"

How do you know they're happy? Everyone masks their feelings for most of the time and just makes the best of things. Like when you're little and your relatives are coming over to visit, your mum says, "Now be on your best behaviour, they'll be here soon."

Entertainment staff at holiday camps are only happy and cheery in front of the kids and then they're probably on the gin and fags as soon as they get off stage; same with teachers.

We get taught to not be miserable or grumpy around people from an early age; "cheer up" "stop frowning" etc, etc... so most people are probably a bit fed up in reality.

dontcallmehon22 In that case you could say he 'stepped out of line' making those jokes about your area. What you said doesn't sound so bad now in context. You were just standing up for yourself. Maybe he doesn't like women who do that.

I will take a look at that bertie. I really am going to re-evaluate what I want from a relationship, as I suspect right now I would pass over boring Mr Right for intoxicating, love bombing Mr Wrong.

You're right Mademan I'm reflecting my feelings onto others. I've no idea if they are all happy. Relationships don't make you happy on their own.

Ihate once I told him that I got scared of Range Rover headlights in my rear view mirror at night, as they were so bright. He said 'You're probably scared because all the Range Rovers in your area are driven by drug dealers.' He wasn't even drunk - so what was his excuse? Oh but it was a joke of course

He also referred to woman, jokingly, as 'slags' if they were dressed a certain way. On our last date he said 'let's look for slags' and went around looking for women who he thought were dressed inappropriately. Again, a joke of course!

Yep of course you may be doing some of these things already - I'm not meaning to imply that they're all the case. But IME you need all four to get that "happy alone" feeling. Which definitely doesn't mean giving up on relationships, I know that can be a fear almost, that if you get too happy alone you won't need a man any more! Well no - it does three things, actually. Firstly yes it passes the time and distracts you from "I'm so lonely, I wish I had a boyfriend, everyone else has got one" and shifts the focus from "I need someone to make me happy" to "How can I make myself happier?". Secondly, you instantly become more attractive. You're confident, interesting, focused. You're not just waiting around for a bloke, you've got an interesting and full life of your own which people generally like - think about which of your friends you most admire. Thirdly you won't be attracting vacant losers who can smell that "looking for a man" desperation from miles away. Instead you'll be meeting - and attracting - men who are interested in the real you, because they can see the real you.

Hmm. I forgot to add "be busy" to the list. That's a crucial one too. Linked into don't wait around for someone to come and take you out and get you into doing new things, just go out and live in the world and do stuff for yourself. Again keeps your mind off men - especially important to be busy when you're first dating someone, BTW, too - and means you're more likely to meet likeminded people and makes you interesting to others.

Seriously this bloke sounds nasty and like a total arsehole. He's done you a massive favour I reckon!

Mr. Right won't be boring when you're in the right mindset to meet him. I promise you that.

What would your absolutely perfect relationship/marriage/partnership look like?

That is so helpful bertie I'm going to really try to do all of those things. I think the keeping busy one is vital, too.

I want someone who cherishes me, shares the household stuff, goes on dates with me and who I really fancy and feel proud to be with. At the moment, I'm attracted to men with a nasty, malicious sense of humour, so that needs to change.

Jeez those last comments made me think you dodged a bullet there. Looking for 'slags'? Wtf??

I would have dumped his sorry ass then and there. You need to get your ( sexist) twat radar more highly attuned or you are in serious danger of ending up with a controlling, misogynistic arsehole.