Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Me again. ..

558 replies

CalmAndConfused · 14/11/2014 16:57

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice Hmm ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
BeeOrchid · 20/11/2014 19:47

You are not broken, he just wants you to think you are. Try to disengage, even if only in your own head. Will he let you leave the room if you say you don't want to argue further? My STBXH never would let me and it could be dangerous to try. Keep safe but absolutely don't take on board what he says.
Bide your time tonight, then get help and support from WA ASAP. We're here, dearest Calm, don't be afraid.
I've been where you are, I know how wretched and dreadful it feels, but I'm not there now. Not long ago I could see no way out, but I'm out.
You are of great worth Calm, whatever he says or does. Courage, courage.

tipsytrifle · 20/11/2014 19:49

Calm - please get him out now. Like gamerchick said .. just stop. This is so not right. Yes, where are the kids?

Ask him to leave right now and call the police if he won't. And DO IT.

You are torturing yourself .. stop stop stop .. please

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/11/2014 20:04

What are you arguing about? You want him out. End of.

Coyoacan · 20/11/2014 20:14

You don't have to argue or explain, Calm. Your relationship or separation is not about who comes up with the cleverest arguments, if you don't want to continue with him, that is reason enough.

Think of Bee's children

tipsytrifle · 20/11/2014 21:43

Praying that you're ok Calm

It's ok to be knocked for six ... we're here to help you up again Brew

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 20/11/2014 22:11

Kids were and are in bed asleep. I am so sorry everyone. I'm not strong, I've taken the weak way out

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 20/11/2014 22:15

Calm, it is your life not ours, you don't have to say sorry. There will always be people to listen here.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 20/11/2014 22:15

I just couldn't do it. I couldn't stay detached and convinced it was for the best. I feel deflated and resigned atm. why can't I make him leave, why do I still love him, yet I don't want him to touch me..?

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 20/11/2014 22:17

feel like people will give up and stop supporting me to leave him as what is the point. I had the perfect opportunity yet I blew it... no calm evening for me with puppy and wine ... I am pathetic

OP posts:
BeeOrchid · 20/11/2014 22:20

It's just a set back. We are still here for you, Calm. Here's what Cogito posted on my thread at the beginning :

"It takes a lot of courage, and often several attempts, to break free from an abusive relationship so don't be disheartened if you can't manage it on this occasion. The important thing is that you have 'crossed a mental bridge' (as my friend puts it), you want better & you're thinking about a free future."

We are still supporting you, this thread is for you, not us.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/11/2014 22:52

Calm, when you are ready you will do it.

One thing to throw back to him though, is that if either of you were happy, would you even be having the arguments? As it is obvious neither of you are happy, then what would be the point of staying together?

winkywinkola · 20/11/2014 22:58

You don't love him if you don't want him to touch you.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/11/2014 03:11

Thank you all Sad I don't feel I deserve it. If I could cut out having to see him I would be able to stay strong and have him leave. .. Fuck Sad

I feel so nasty and selfish. I talked to my mum today and she said she would support me either way . She said he obviously cares for me but that he needs to compromise so my needs are also met.

He compromised over a dog, saying that we could look for a rescue dog in January instead of April. .. but I want the puppy me and DD1 chose. .. Is that me being selfish and unreasonable?

Those saying ring WA again, what for? I'm keeping my outreach appointment. I would do the freedom program but he would want to know what the money was for and where I was going. plus I have no childcare Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/11/2014 03:16

according to him, yes arguments are normal and that even if things improve I need to realise argument will still happen occasionally.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 21/11/2014 05:19

I think in a way it was all too sudden for you, Calm. Could your mother lend you the money for the freedom programme and I think it is also available online.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/11/2014 05:32

I think it was. It was yet again done his way, pulling the rug out. I had no chance to plan and get everything sorted.

I will ask my mum. do you think it's possible when I ask him to leave to do it via email and to go round my mum's till he has?

OP posts:
mummytime · 21/11/2014 06:14

That is totally possible.

I don't think my Mother told my father she was leaving, just left with me. Then went back with relatives to protect her to get her stuff.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/11/2014 06:46

That's good to know. It's just face to face he breaks my resolve and makes me question myself.

I do want to leave him. I am still going to go with the original plan, but instead of him steamrollering me I will get benefits sorted, freedom programme, outreach support etc.

I don't want his compromise, I want a life where I get to decide. ..not him. The way he spoke to me was awful sometimes during the argument last night, yet I am so used to it I have only realised how unacceptable that is this morning.

last night he asked what was wrong, so I told him my anxiety at having to talk once DD1 was in bed. apparently that was me manipulating him Hmm he then kept pushing me to talk about it while DD was there... that is him being controlling right?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 21/11/2014 07:13

Yeap, that was him being an arse. Children shouldn't have to witness these types of discussions between their parents.

Glad to see you are rallying, Calm.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/11/2014 08:01

Part of me feels that I am throwing the relationship away because we can't agree over a bloody dog: he's compromised which should be good enough, but it's not. I feel resentful that it still isn't what I actually want.

OP posts:
BeeOrchid · 21/11/2014 08:11

You have a plan Calm, so move forward with that. Glad to hear you sounding a bit better.
I think staying with your Mum would be best as he is obviously an arch manipulator and you've recognised that being in his presence has a bad effect on you.
You're not throwing away your relationship over a dog, you're recognising how he controls everything, even what pet you have when.
Plan to leave and then stay away from him. My STBXH wants us still to be "friends", presumably so he can continue to dump all his emotions all over me and keep control. Well it isn't happening.
If you want to stop someone pulling the rug out from under you, step off the rug Thanks

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/11/2014 08:20

Thank you bee I was worried I was the one being unreasonable, because he did compromise over the dog... Talking to my mum yesterday actually weakened my resolve a bit as she said he loves me to bits and that life without him would very possibly be harder and not happier like I have been thinking. However she will support me in separating from him.

It is awful atm. I feel like I am right back at the start of a cycle again, and all of a sudden I am questioning myself, worrying about him and how it will effect him, how the kids will cope, and so on. Yet at the same time I feel dread that I am here, I don't want him to be affectionate to me, and I feel that I am just waiting for things to reach the crap point of the cycle so I can ask him to leave again.

So for my plan going forwards, I am meeting with my sister today as she is being very supportive. I am going to go to my outreach thing in 2 weeks, I'm ringing up CAB to speak to an advisor today, I am ringing about the freedom programme, and I am going ahead with choosing the pup etc, as I still think he will be out by then.

I just need time to get my head straight again, and clear out the tangles and fog he has put into it. How does he have such a hold over me...

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/11/2014 08:22

Even if it's not the right decision so to speak - life can't be worse than it is at the moment right? At least if nothing else I will be in charge of it, even if I miss him, even if I regret what happened, at least I will have done something..

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/11/2014 08:28

I was so energised and excited about the pup, and looking forward to how life would be - now I just feel deflated, sick and run down

OP posts:
BeeOrchid · 21/11/2014 08:35

I thought my very heart would break. Actually it feels just fine.
Call your supportive sister and don't let your mum's fears influence you.
Don't think of it as a cycle, more of an upward spiral. You're not in the same place, you've been learning and recognising and moving up towards freedom.
Think of how he shouts and picks on your little daughter. Save her from that and the effects it will have on her. I doubt I'd be where I am now if my mother hadn't mercilessly bullied and abused me from toddlerhood. X

Swipe left for the next trending thread