Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Me again. ..

558 replies

CalmAndConfused · 14/11/2014 16:57

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice Hmm ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Itsfab · 19/11/2014 22:03

Don't. You have momentarily forgotten he is not in charge of you, is not your boss and does not get to tell you what to do or run your life.

Re-read your thread.

Dragonfly71 · 19/11/2014 22:05

Tipsy is so right, you are very brave to do this even though it doesn't feel like that right now. Give yourself space and time away from him because he is going to try to draw you into mind games I suspect. Lots if people on here will be able to give you advice in getting through these first few days. Look after yourself and dc first and foremost. Is your sister supportive? Is she nearby?

BeeOrchid · 19/11/2014 22:08

Stay Calm. Hot drink, cuddle into a quilt, you're in shock. Be kind to yourself, try to sleep.
This is hard but a lifetime of walking on eggshells is far, far harder. Your children need you to be strong now. You can do it Calm.
Try to sleep, but if you can't I've usually found someone on MN who can chat. Xxxx

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 22:32

Thank you. He has tried from my last post to now to draw me back in. To tell me what we could do different if 'I want to try again'? I have no said I will, I have kept stressing how it doesn't change, no matter what we have done previously. And weirdly during it I have gone from crumbling to getting very pissed off at how apathetic he is and how little responsibility he takes.

I guess we will see if he goes to his mum's tomorrow or not. Please tell me I am doing the right thing? Puppy, puppy, puppy - I must remember that I have got a puppy lined up, that I have promised DD1 that we will be picking her up around xmas.

GTBExH has just stormed upstairs to bed - I think he is annoyed I haven't said we will work through it yet again. Oh and you know what else has pissed me off, he is now saying that maybe the kids will be better of not seeing him as he is so bad at looking after them...

My sister is supportive in a way, but is also quite nieve and a young 22. How do you reconcile your heart and your head? My head knows I need to leave hi, yet my heart is screaming out that I am throwing away a good thing...

OP posts:
BeeOrchid · 19/11/2014 22:38

My counsellor last year told me my head and my heart were in conflict. I listened to my heart then and put myself through agonies. Now I'm listening to my head.
It is hard and painful, right now, but it will get better, much faster than you can imagine. I've felt sad today, but I know this is the right thing for me and I will be happier and have a much better life. So will you x

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 22:40

Ok, he's up in a bed now, and literally I feel 1000x better just with him out the room. Does he really have that big an effect on me. My head is clear again (thanks to you lovely women) that I need to separate from him. Yet when he was sat here, my head was a mess - I went to pieces. I think in the morning he will ask me as he leaves for work if I want him to go to his mum's or not. I need to get the strength up to say 'No we are still separating'. He has been my life since I was 16, so your right it is a scary massive change.

I wish I could hire you all to come a sit here and give me strength until he has left.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/11/2014 22:42

Tbh given the way he talks to dd1 I think him never seeing the children again would be no great loss.

This is all, suddenly, moving very quickly and it must be very hard to manage. But you will manage it and you will be free of him and your children will behave at bedtimes because he isn't there bring horrible to them.

That doesn't mean this isn't boing to be difficult and confusing. You are changing your life - it has to be difficult and confusing. But you can do it. You can be free.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 22:43

Thank you Bee - it will get better won't it. Need to tell my mum, she will help give me strength, but I have no idea what to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 22:45

And thank you lonny, I think maybe he deliberately moves it quickly to pull the rug from under my feet, so I can't think and panic.

I need to realise it's not my job to manage him, and worry about him seeing the kids. That is his job, and no reason for me to stay or mollycoddle him.

OP posts:
BeeOrchid · 19/11/2014 22:49

It will get better.
I've had the same feelings of being overwhelmed with anxiety and pain when in STBXH's presence, only too feel calmer and stronger when he was gone.
I'm hoping that's the case after he leaves for good.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 22:51

Re-reading the thread and Bee's thread atm, while catching up with the apprentice which I didn't watch as we were "talking" all through it. He hates me being up later than him, never says it (in fact always says he's fine with it) but gets all huffy when I do, and usually asks how long I will be staying up.

OP posts:
Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 22:54

Good to know it's not just me then Bee. It's shocked me noticing the effect his presence has on me.

OP posts:
bodumfan · 20/11/2014 00:11

calm, sorry you've had such a harrowing evening.

One of the books (Patricia Evans or Lundy - I can't remember which) suggests a way of handling the separation bit with your STBX is to just be a bit detached. To avoid getting drawn in by him, or questioned, or to avoid things escalating, act like you don't really know what you think or what you want.

be like....
Sorry,
I'm tired,
got headache,
I know it's me,
i'm so confused at the moment

act a bit pathetic,
pretend to be depressed
don't threaten his status quo

It might get him off your back for a bit?

You're doing so well calm - have a hug. xx

Itsfab · 20/11/2014 07:53

Can you verbalise what the "good thing" is that you think you are throwing away? And, btw, you aren't throwing anything away as I am assuming you have been a loving, faithful wife and not a controlling abusive one?

Saying the children will be better off seeing him is part of The Script imo and is another attempt at controlling you.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 20/11/2014 08:06

He is now not going to his mum's tonight. He is coming back to talk. I crumbled this morning and couldn't say yes fuck off when he asked me if he should still go to his mum's.

The good thing I guess is that he supports me in getting my education. He works hard. can make me laugh

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 20/11/2014 08:23

Okay well maybe he should leave for now.

See how you both feel in a month after living separately?

He can go to his mothers.

BeeOrchid · 20/11/2014 08:28

And the bad things? For you and your daughters? I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I know how hard this is, really. But how I wish, for my children's sake, I had divorced my husband decades ago. Now the damage is done.
Don't be me, 10 years down the road.
Late last night, I spent some time with a DS. He has serious mental health issues and I haven't been there for him lately because of all this drama. I don't feel I've been there for him enough for many years because of STBXH demanding all the time, attention, oxygen in the room. It is my greatest regret, that I didn't know enough to see the abuse and protect my children from it. I had no MN. I had a society which told me to be grateful I had a roof over my head and that my husband always came first. Even the people I told about the violence towards me minimised it, told me not to cause it.
You have the advantage of me there Calm.

BeeOrchid · 20/11/2014 09:14

Just re read my post, apologies if it comes across harshly, I certainly didn't mean it to dear Calm. I hope you're getting a chance to rest and think today. Remember how disturbed your mind feels in his presence. Also adrenalin in such large quantities makes you feel terrible. Well it does me, jittery and jumpy and anxious.

I have a big couple of days now. So I'd best finish my coffee, get up off the sofa and get ready for the Freedom Programme. X

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 20/11/2014 09:32

No don't worry bee, I was dropping DD1 at preschool.

I have lighted the front room fire which we never do as GTBEXH doesn't like it, says it messes with his chest.

you're so right, I'm starting to feel calm again now he's at work. I would have held firm if he hadn't started asking me where he should go.

How do I tell him after saying we'll talk tonight that actually no I still think he should leave?

its all the bloody doubt starting to creep in. I. e if he gets the new job he only has to work one job. so will things be better with more free time and money.

I felt so guilty as he was saying bye to the kids this morning.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 20/11/2014 09:35

Stay strong Calm. He's messing with your head now, he knows all the buttons to push...

tipsytrifle · 20/11/2014 13:33

I think you should back out of any talks or returns NOW. Do it by text. Otherwise you are simply sabotaging yourself, your whole dream of being out of this, your DESIRE to be out of this. Don't throw your future away, dear Calm.

There is no time or room for being passive at all at the moment. You have to be strong, clear and unmove-able. You have to wear armour and not give a damn about the consequences for him. If it helps consider the next ten years with him staying and the extra punishment you'd get for almost getting out.

There was a touch of destiny in our online "meeting". Think how the timing of your journey has dovetailed in with others in similar situations. You can do this, Calm. You are not alone and the universe has given you the green light if you decide to drive life instead of suffering it Flowers

Coyoacan · 20/11/2014 16:55

I'm sure your GTBEXH has some attractive qualities or you wouldn't have got together in the first place, OP, nor would any of us have lived with our abusers if there hadn't been a spark there.

But reread your threads. You are happy because he is at work, but if he gets the new job and you are still together, he will be around more.

Remember the puppy!

Dragonfly71 · 20/11/2014 19:19

Hope you're ok this evening Calm. I bet I'm repeating others, but have you considered looking at the Freedom programme or similar? This really helps you to identify just how you are being manipulated and all these confusing feelings. From your threads I can see he is very controlling. And you have been with him since 16 so no wonder this is a huge scary step. Abusers are very good at ensuring we feel lost without them. Thinking of you.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 20/11/2014 19:41

Stuck in a big argument with him and just feel broken and torn in 2.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 20/11/2014 19:45

Just stop. He can't argue with you if you just sit and look at him. I hope your kids are elsewhere?