Me again. ..

[CalmAndConfused]

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

Thank you bee. Yes an upwards spiral, gaining my strength. I will be watching and seeing this time how no matter what he promises, it is all manipulation and lies. I am sure it won't take long for the mask to slip again.

I can't let my daughter go through this. It's not fair on her at all.

Onwards and upwards. I will get free.

Thank you all for not giving up on me last night you guys are my rocks (a job that should have be GTBExH's)

Just catching up on your events last eve, Calm. We're all here for you on your thread. I'm glad Bee had that Cogito-quote about the leaving to hand.

When you are ready you'll be unstoppable. Knowing how he winds you in and grinds you down certainly should be addressed in any plan. Avoiding the situation where he can exert "his way" is usually best.

Yeah, weave a whole new carpet just for you, dear Calm!

You know.... on Wednesday I had told him I was staying downstairs to watch tv (normally do it in the bedroom, as for some reason he prefers that as it's near him). My programme hadn't started quite, so I was talking to my sister and listening to Taylor Swift, and GTBExH came downstairs and on his way to the toilet actually stopped to ask me 'what I was doing' .. with the bloody puzzled look on his face...

Thank you tipsy. I think when ready I will tell him I want to separate and then goes to my mums while he leaves - he can mess with my head to well.

Sorry to seem dense, but weave a whole new carpet? What does that mean, I've not heard it before.

Going to get on with ringing now.

He's just awful, Calm. Like every breath you might take is only borrowed from him. Pfftt .... I wonder how some selective deafness on your part would work as a new "up yours" practice tactic .. probably a daft idea, just trying to think of ways you could resist his "what are you doing" moments, or at least add a note of frustration to them (for him) ... bit like adding 3 sugars when you know he only likes 2 ... I must be in Friday mood!

Just keep watching and learning, Calm

Oh the carpet .. you and Bee were talking about how hw pulls the rug from under you ..

not hw ...

Arh I see! Yes I will make a carpet and glue it down lol. I like the idea of selective deafness, at least it gives me a sense of taking some control back, plus as you say it will frustrate him instead of only affecting me.

I do similar when he says 'I love you' multiple times a day (like if he says it enough I will believe it). I just respond 'me too' as in my head I am saying 'yes I love me too' instead of saying I love him.

I will leave, I will. I will get ready and work up the courage. I want my puppy god damn it. I want a calm nice Christmas. I don't want to get him a card expressing feelings I don't feel. I don't want to be worrying Christmas day about making sure he is happy, and watching as he gets more and more irritable around my family.

I can do this

Oh and the only reason he is even now letting me get a dog (he has always said no) is because when talking to my therapist about dogs and how they calm me down, she said yes she can see that one would help my anxiety.

I actually have to have a 'need' for one to have him consider it, I can't get one just because I want a pet.

I think you need to keep returning to this thread to see how the cycle works.

GTBXDP is a shit to you or the kids
GTBXDP starts ramping up the control
You start to feel the control (eventually, because you've become desensitised to it)
You start questioning the relationship
GTBXDP realises this and provokes an argument
This tips your anxiety to unmanageable proportions (fair enough, I'd be anxious if I was arguing with someone who had thumped me in the past)
Then he brings you back round, promises to change
In the adrenaline spike of your anxiety you agree because you literally do not have the capacity to see another way forward.

And then the whole cycle starts again.

BUT one day you WILL break the cycle.

calm, we are all here for you no matter what. As Bee says, this is just a setback.

A version of the Freedom programme is available online for £10. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php I'm currently doing it as I have no access to one in RL. I paid by internet bank transfer(my own account), and had the log-in code sent to a secret email address that H doesn't know about.

You are not selfish and unreasonable about wanting the puppy. His "compromise" of a rescue dog in January is simply a way to keep control....

A small detail in the bigger picture I know but - I wonder what would happen if you said to H:
Actually H, I've decided I'd prefer the puppy that friend A has offered us. It will be ready in December.

Can you just try it as an experiment? - partly to see if he's really willing to compromise, and partly as practice for yourself?

Role play in the mirror first:
H: why the hell do you want the friend's puppy in December and not a rescue dog in January?

Calm:
Because...
I prefer it that way.
It's important to me
That's what I prefer.
It's the decision I would like to make.
I think that breed is cute
I'm doing the friend a favour
I prefer it that way.
I'd be doing myself a favour
It makes me happy
I prefer it that way.
It's what I want.
It's the option I prefer.
I've been offered a puppy and I want to accept it.
ad infinitum.........

Remember Calm, you DO have that right, it IS ok to want the puppy, no matter how "reasonable" he thinks he's being. You CAN want something different.

I know you're afraid it will escalate into yet another brow-beating of you, and of course it might. It would be important not to get drawn into an argument of the pro's and con's of the rescue dog...simply to try to stay focussed on the fact that YOU simply prefer the friend's puppy. Even if it doesn't work out the way you want - it would be another baby-step towards recognising YOUR rights, and HIS tactics.

You're not weak, you're slowly finding your strength. Sorry for the long post - it's cathartic for me too

Bodumfan long posts are good :) they give me stuff to think about.

Last night I mentioned about the puppy, that I would like it and that I felt he should compromise on the dog situation. His compromise after much arguing was a rescue dog in January. The things he said to me were:

Where would the money come from (My inheritance from my Gran)
A puppy is such hard work
Why are you convinced a dog will help you
It won't fix the relationship problems
I think that the person who doesn't want a dog gets final say
What about when you work
You are bullying me into getting this puppy
It's an ultimatum then, get the puppy or leave?
Not this again, I thought we had agreed April
I want Christmas over
I'm compromising, why aren't you
Who's pressuring you into getting the puppy
Why is your friend mentioning it to you
Why is she trying to convince you to get it
What's wrong with the puppy that other people haven't put their names down for it (because I did first perhaps...)
So your saying you want this fucking puppy and won't consider anything else
Puppies chew
You can't just crate a puppy
It'd be dark when walking it
They require a lot of exercise, more than you realise
My whole family think it's mad while on a debt relief order
I don't understand you
Your mental, why would you want to do this
Why would you jeprodise the debt relief order
I don't believe it will cost what you say a month
Where will the food and insurance money come from - what will we go without
What if we need to pay out on insurance
Why do you need this
Your selfish
Your just fucking mad

May have missed a few points he made

Oh and he'd leave if I told him tonight I wanted the puppy. He'd tell me that he can't trust me once we've agreed on something. That I'm bullying him etc and that we 'got no where last night'

He also had a go at me for talking to the breeder - accusing me of having it all lined up and told me I'd go ahead with it whatever because I'm mental

You poor thing. It is so hard. But it is time to get tough. He is still controlling and abusing you. He is letting you get a dog but he still is calling the shots by saying when and which one. Your children are living in a horrible atmosphere. I know you think you still love him but your children are not living in a loving home so be strong for them if you can't do it for you. You haven't missed your chance. You don't just get one chance. You can email him now and say you want to separate and he needs to go to his mothers tonight after work, not come back to the house. Pack a bag and drop it at his mothers while he is at work. No reason to come home then. Play dumb if you have too. Tell him there is no chance of you staying married to him if he won't give you space to think.

There is a poster who asked for space for her husband to think and he said yes then no to moving out for a bit. Another head fuck. Don't allow it to happen any more. You have to do this and you can.

itsfabI thought that I was being unreasonable if I didn't accept his compromise. I don't feel strong enough today to take that next step - not after the last 2 nights. However trust me I will be using the time to build my strength back up and watch how he actually doesn't change at all.

When it comes time to separate (I'm giving myself the deadline now of choosing the puppy) I will e-mail him then spend the time at my mum's with my sister while he gets his stuff.

I realised today driving home after seeing my sister that I haven't worn my wedding ring in years. It makes me feel so uncomfortable if I put it on... I can't love him can I...I'm just, as Bee said, traumatically bonded to him

Right Calm, I can see you did the "exercise" last night and the outcome was predictable. Of course, we all know that many of his objections will apply to the rescue dog you might get in January. He just wanted to win.

But still, you've made another baby-step, learnt another useful lesson, and you're getting there. Sometimes it's two paces forward and one pace backwards, but you're getting there. Hold on to your new found strength

Keep on keeping on calm

I have even pointed the fact a lot of the issues apply whenever we get the dog bodumfan it drives me mad. He tells me that he is just pointing out potential issues.

I honestly thought that his reaction, though over the top, was just an exacerbated version of a normal reaction. What happens in a normal healthy relationship if one person wants a dog?

(Btw apparently GTBExH does wants a dog, just not until the debt relief order has finished, or January as he has now compromised to)...

Just put the youngest to bed, and GTBExH is going to be home soon. The thought of him coming home, being friendly, wanting to hug me, wanting to spend time together watching tv or something tonight is actually making me feel panicky, anxious and shaky/sicky.

My sister, and you amazing woman, are right - I need to be happy.

I have the main light on in the living room, and I am interested to see how long before he moans and tries to put the lamp on instead.

Do you really think you are unreasonable to not push for something you really want - that is not going to hurt anyone - when he has acted as he has?

Life is too long to spend it in an abusive, controlling situation and when you are a child with no power to change things...

You do not have to do anything he says. He is not the boss of you.

When your mum says life will be harder and he loves you, why not suggest she is welcome to him.

I suggest you and the kids actually go to your mums and sort out the nitty gritty once you have made the break.

If I wanted a dog, I'd get one. I wouldn't as my OH doesn't like them and neither do i, but if I did then we would work it through. Arguments every bloody day are not normal. And not healthy.

You can't carry on living like this where he touches you without you wanting him too and he controls what bloody light you have on.

I never push for anything as I feel guilty that they wouldn't end up doing something they didn't want. Plus it's not worth the hell I have to go through.

I can't believe that such freedom as choosing to get a dog is normal. Well I can, but it's shocking how my sense of normal must be so messed up.

Gotta go. I'll post more later

So he didn't mention the light, which surprised me - he's obviously working hard to reel me back in. However we were watching tv with dinner and I get 3 messages on my phone during that time (didn't check them) and he goes 'your getting a lot of texts tonight'... it was just the way he said it - why even feel the need to mention it. His mask is slipping I feel.