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Original poster

Me again. ..

558 replies

CalmAndConfused · 14/11/2014 16:57

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice Hmm ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 14:37

Ok, got it, tell him yes and let him leave - engage no further.

I had a bit of a wobble just then when I realised I will actually be living without him. My first thought was panic and 'but I love him'. I suddenly felt very vulnerable and small, and like I wouldn't be able to cope. This obviously stems from the abuse, and how he has reinforced and ingrained into me over the years that I cannot manage without him.

Keep thinking of my puppy and what xmas will be like. I'm also repeating like a mantra 'He will not beat me, he will not win'.

Oh and the friends about the pups, she has only ever met GTBExH 2 times, so she won't have a reason to speak to him.

Have a dreadful feeling that tonight it will all happen, especially as he will come home stressed and tiered. My bloody anxiety is in overdrive.

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 15:54

Oh and I love the idea of him twirling around in a tutu tipsy Grin that brilliant imagery will be in my head for every attention seeking, fuck wittery thing he does! That has actually made me smile today

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Coyoacan · 19/11/2014 16:32

I would be thinking about phoning the police and telling them you are trying to leave your husband

Sounds like a good idea, just to be on the safe side.

I had that fear about splitting with my dds father, Calm, but once it was done I was walking on air, it felt so wonderful to be free of him.

BeeOrchid · 19/11/2014 16:53

I agree with itsfab, I'd missed the choking incident. Def give police a heads up and keep yourself safe.

Re the attention seeking, yes, yes. I've had books and newspapers ripped out of my hands and thrown across the room because I was giving them attention. Just 2 nights ago he interrupted a call I was having with a daughter to show me something in Facebook. He couldn't wait a few minutes, I had to look and comment then and there. It wasn't at all urgent, well not to anyone else. This is all typical of him.
On the other hand it is quite usual for him to blank me when I'm talking to him, he's forever ignoring my conversation. And the quality of my craic is good!
These FWs , they really are all the same. Hmm

BeeOrchid · 19/11/2014 16:54

Coyoacan, that's what I'm hoping for, walking on air. Rather than heartbreak and fear.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 17:19

Ok, so give the police a heads up - I can do that tomorrow (that'll help keep it real to). Do I just ring my local station and ask for the domestic violence unit?

omg GTBExH does that to. If I am doing something and he wants to talk to me or show me something he will expect me to drop what I am doing and give him the attention he wants. Yet if I'm ever talking to him, need help with something or anything like that I would have better luck talking to a brick wall. A great example I've just remembered is that he expected me to help him with his assignments whilst we were both doing our degrees (different subjects). Yet when I asked him for help with mine, all I got was him telling me there was no point as it's not a subject he knows Angry There must be a FW school or something they all attend.

I am crossing my fingers for the walking on air feeling. Our DD1 behaves a lot better when H is out, and that is probably because of the change in atmosphere.

Ooooh just thought of something else I want to get down. Further proof for me that GTBExH only thinks of himself, and views his needs, thoughts, wants as the only important ones is to do with the house lights! If I put the main light on in a room as opposed to a lamp, then when GTBExH comes onto the room he will turn off the main light and turn on the lamp all the while either saying nothing, or telling me off for putting the main light on and telling me how he can't understand why I would want the main light on. why the fuck does he need to understand that - he only needs to fecking respect the fact that I have chosen which light I want on... FW

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 19:50

So GTBExH has had his interview which according to him went well. This is going to push my deadline up to inform him I want to separate, as he has said he will know if he was successful or not in a couple of days. If he is successful it would mean moving house, which obviously I won't be doing... So tomorrow will have to be police and CAB. I also think I may have to go and have a good talk with my mum, as I'll want her support.

Tonight GTBExH is in a massive huff with me tonight as instead of going and eating dinner with him (i.e sit there as he eats as I already ate with the kids), as I want to watch masterchef and the apprentice. It's crazy. He won't sit and eat where I am watching them, because obviously he doesn't really care about my company, it's just a matter of control.

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 19:51

I just want of this ride now Sad

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 19:51

off*

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 20:26

Someone please talk to me - he's asking me whats wrong, telling me if I want to seperate he wonlt go for the job etc

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Dragonfly71 · 19/11/2014 20:42

Only get into this conversation if you feel ready to. It's ok to bluff/ lie to keep yourself safe until you have all the information you need. Don't be pushed into an argument. If it's safer to fake a headache and take yourself off to bed early do that. Hope you're ok, replied quick as none else had yet.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 20:45

Thank you - he would not leave it be. He knew I was bluffing, so we went down that bloody path. Anyway we have both said that we are separating now. He has now stormed off, I guess because I wan't taken in by him professing his love and desire to make it work.

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BeeOrchid · 19/11/2014 20:47

If you're not ready for this conversation, say whatever to keep him off the scent. Keep yourself safe. You can talk about separation when you feel ready for it. Nothing is set in stone yet. Courage Calm, it will be ok x

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 20:51

I actually feel among all the emotions, relieved that it is out there and I don't have to sit him down and stress about that... what the hell happens next

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 20:52

Why am I crying?

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BeeOrchid · 19/11/2014 20:56

Because it is so stressful and big change, even for the better, is scary. Release of tension too. Believe me, Calm, I know.
Keep yourself safe and remember your life will improve immensely xx

Dragonfly71 · 19/11/2014 20:57

So sorry Calm, can you call someone for support? Will he come back and try another tactic to change your mind? I think you should let someone in RL know what's happening.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 21:04

He's going to his mum's after work tomorrow

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CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 21:05

My sister knows. I suddenly feel very alone and like I'm falling to pieces. And I can't stop bloody crying.

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CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 21:07

He literally called his mum the minute we had finished talking...

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Itsfab · 19/11/2014 21:14

Hang in there - sorry so trite.

He makes you sit and watch him eat as he is controlling you.

He has run away to call his mother because you are not doing his bidding so needs a few there there's.

Why would separating mean not going for the job? Is he looking to not pay maintenance?

Keep safe and delete your history now. Get into the habit of regular deleting then maybe a few bogus site visits - M&S, Boots, Whsmiths, etc. Make sure it isn't too obvious there is no history.

BeeOrchid · 19/11/2014 21:16

Don't worry about the crying, let the pain and stress out. Sometimes it is better to be alone than in a destructive relationship. Actually it's always better to be alone than in a destructive relationship.
Him going to his mum's will give you breathing space to think and plan.
If it's any comfort, when STBXH told me he was leaving I cried and cried, felt lonely and afraid and like I couldn't cope. Even though I knew he was an abuser. It's what I knew and had lived for so long.Well, I did cope and will, but it is traumatic and normal to feel this. Doesn't mean it's wrong.
Look up Traumatic bonding in Lundy's index - when you feel up to it. X

Dragonfly71 · 19/11/2014 21:19

It's good to cry, you are releasing a lot of pain. A man like that always goes to the nearest sympathetic woman, so not surprised he was straight on the phone to his mum. He believes it's her job to look after him now! It feels bleak now but remember your puppy and Christmas and not being controlled and not walking on egg shells. You will recover I promise. Don't want to spout a load of cliches at you, but it will get so so much better. Loads of posters have real experience of this and will offer much better support than me but in my work I have seen scores of women literally blossom after leaving abusive partners and I know you will too. Make sure you still get to CAB and get legal advice soon Flowers

tipsytrifle · 19/11/2014 21:21

Calm you've been amazing because you are amazing. Adrenaline is probably going to wreak havoc in your system now but the biggest step is taken. You've said it. Named it. Laid out the map. And he has left, albeit just for now and then ... for more than now.

Brave brave woman. He and his tutu are leaving. You will be free. It won't all be plain sailing but you darn well said IT.

Wow!

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 19/11/2014 21:39

No, he has another job which he would stay at. Again it is that whole thing of he doesn't 'make me'.

I am so close to crumbeling :(

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