Me again. ..

[CalmAndConfused]

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

thinking back he has very rarely had sex with me when I am clearly not enthusiastic to say the least. He has stopped to ask if I am ok, and on saying yes (didn't feel I could say no) he carried on I cried after one particular time

If he won't stop badgering tonight then you have to make it clear to him that sex is not on the agenda. No long winded excuses, just NO. I think your last post just described that he might rape you (again)

Coercion is NOT consent.

Unfortunately you have not been able to establish any boundaries, he's still behaving as if his ownership of you is undisputed. Coming into the bathroom etc. It's only a little while ago that you said it was over. His personal need is to wipe that off the face of reality. You might need to remind him that it's still there.

Tipsy I have told him no categorically - though that never seems to stop the pestering.

He then moves on like tonight to how come I don't want to spend time with him doing something else. And acts all hurt and rejected if I have something planned. yet again it shows he values his own needs and wants...not mine. I'm only here for him. He can fuck off.

I'm sat in the bath just waiting till it is close enough to masterchef that I don't have to deflect his attempts to get me to spend time with him. This is so fucked up.

keep looking at the email to him and wondering if it's ok.

It is kinda fucked up Calm. I just don't know how much deflection time you have left.
Is Friday the day you're hoping to get to?

Would you consider sleeping on the sofa, or anywhere else in the house that isn't the shared bed? You know you aren't going to get to watch Masterchef in peace, don't you?

Yes Friday is the day I'm aiming for tipsy. I'll have family support then.

there is no way I could sleep somewhere else without it getting nasty. He gets pissy enough if I watch TV downstairs instead of the bedroom. I'm just trying to keep safe until then.

I have been volunteering all day and have only just sat down. Yours is the first thread I have looked at, Calm and my heart is pounding as I read your latest posts.

Stop trying to work out what is going on in his head. You will never understand unless you become a wife and child abuser and just for the fact of you aske the question, he asks obvious answered questions because he wants to belittle you imo.

THREE more sleeps.

Now delete your history and change your password. I am seriously worried about you all. (you and the kids, not him of course).

Password will be changed itsfab. I must admit with how frustrated he is getting I have been quite uneasy this evening.

I know I can't possibly understand him...perhaps my psychology training is influencing me here. It is the niceness that throws me... but I am able to see its fake most of the time.

I am very worried about going out tomorrow evening. DD2 is unwell and teething and I dread to think of how impatient GTBEXH will be with the girls

going to sleep now. I'm ill for one so need the sleep, but also to drained to deal with him asking why I said I'd sleep but am now not, how I'd be avoiding him and why can't we watch something. Shame as I'd love to curl up with hot chocolate and read till I was drifting off.

You were right tipsy...He couldn't let me watch in peace...

Well just told my sister the plan for Friday. ..

I can do this. I can really do this.

Yes you can Calm. I totally believe everything is going to change for the better for you after Friday. Just keep staying safe till then

Thank you dragonfly.

funny how quickly their mask slips. GTBEXH has just started swearing as DD2 is awake with teething.

feeding her now and I can hear him slamming about because it's not fair you see...He has work he needs sleep for. ..

I've just read this entire post with tears in my eyes. Reading from beginning to end is like watching you change and grow stronger each day and I'm holding my breath to see you make the next step. You sound like a warm, sweet, kind person and your H has taken advantage of that until you can no longer see the strength you really have.

I recognise so much of this. My ex was so nice. He made sure that I never had to make any decisions or do anything that might give me confidence or expose me to people who might be able to open my eyes to the fact that he had gradually taken total control of me. He would look at me with a sort of bemused expression as though whatever I was doing (and he was constantly checking what I was doing) was completely abnormal and to be pitied. I felt I must be broken, weird, odd, soooo very very lucky that someone so nice, who everyone loved, was with me. Sometimes when I wanted something (just like your puppy) he would get me something similar but not quite what I wanted, just to maintain his control. I would tell myself it was kind, I couldn't complain, I was lucky, I was an ungrateful cow...

It took every ounce of my strength to leave and move on but I promise you, my panic attacks, nightmares and headaches disappeared and I felt like I had suddenly remembered who I was. Sounds silly but it was like a reunion with an old friend, someone I thought I had lost forever.

Sorry for the essay but I had to tell you that if I could do it, crippled with anxiety and a gibbering shaking mess, then you can. You sound wonderful, you are going to give your children the start in life you should have had, free from abuse and able to be themselves without fear.

Thank you for your post anyothergirl I am still so shocked at the support I am receiving.

yes yes to the constant checking what I am doing and the 'lookin his eyes and whole deminour. I too thought I was lucky someone would work so hard to provide for me and to love me and put up with me.

This mornings interigation has already started He stood there checking through the bank account on his phone querying payment he didn't know what they were for. The present...A game bought from my PayPal, cost more than my balance as I'd bought a jacket for his work do. He then questioned why I had less money in PayPal than I'd said...how was he meant to buy my Xmas present now, I must've lied about how much the jacket cost...on and bloody on

2 sleeps... just pray I can hold firm

feel like he is being an arse because of last night

ffs he's just basically had a go at me for not showing the right reaction to him saying he'll build a new computer and give me his old one so I can play dragon age... apparently I should be thrilled. .. I'm feeling so rough I just nodded and said ok... apparently I guess I should have been thanking him prefusily and saying he's the bestest ever...

Got to dash to work now but Calm! I feel so angry at how you are being treated! And a bit worried this will escalate before fri. Do you have an emergency plan if it does?

If it does dragonfly I will take the kids and go stay at my mums

I feel like I am being unreasonable and nasty by asking GTBEXH to leave via email. He has said previously that if I decide to separate then we can work together to make it amicable. perhaps I should do it in person...

It doesn't matter how you do it.

If email means he won't get the chance to go mental or try and persuade you to come back then so be it.

Do not do it in person! it just gives him a chance to manipulate and abuse.

Hello Calm honey,

Delurking to say:

He has said previously that if I decide to separate then we can work together to make it amicable.

No, darling, this idiot doesn't do amicable. You know that, don't you??
KOKO, Calm (keep on keeping on). By the time Friday is here you will be itching to carry out your plan. You and your lovely kiddies deserve so much more than this controlling arse will ever give you.

My exh used to do the 'getting something similar' thing that anyothergirl mentioned, and he also used to get second hand stuff, I never had anything brand new in the 19 years that we were married. You will be so much better off without him. bbf x

Calm - there's no point in being reasonable and nice in a situation that is innately the opposite. That would be a repeat of what happened already with the result that masks were on for a while and then normal service resumed. That definition of insanity is apropos here.

You have an abuser to end with and a situation to change.
You only have head and heartspace for determination and courage really.

Ok, thanks everyone. It's so hard because you feel so guilty and want to treat them nicely, as you would like to be treated.

Sat in the hospital earlier with DS2 I found myself thinking of you, Calm. Doesn't it say something when strangers care more about you than your husband who swore to love and care for you he lied.

ANYTHING you do is not going to be unreasonable or nasty, look at what he is putting you AND YOUR CHILDREN through.

Two sleeps bit go if it gets worse. Have you alerted the police yet?

Just do what you have to do and get out as quickly as possible. Stay safe.

It really does itsfab. GTBEXH only thinks of me if he wants something I. e sex, food making and so on.

I haven't alerted them yet. I will do tomorrow. Is it just my local station I ring?