Me again. ..

[CalmAndConfused]

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

Just been reading the thread again as I'm feeling so sick and anxious at the moment. ..especially around GTBEXH. I think it's because I can't unsee the abuse anymore and I know I have to act on it.

I also just noticed in your dog post bee that your STBEXH started talking about re homing your dog. I once rescued a puppy that someone was getting rid of. brought it home and GTBExH went absolutely mental. ..He insisted we took it to the rescue centre the next day He still holds this over me as an example of my awful judgement and how he can't trust me to make sensible decisions.

They like to hold onto these things.
In my case we were supposedly planning how our marriage could move on from his affair. He knows how much the dog means to me, he's my companion and our long woodland walks have been an essential part in keeping me sane. Apart from STBXH's Fuckwittery there have been some serious problems to deal with in the last few years.
Even at the time, trying to give him the best motives, I had no idea why the dog wouldn't fit into our life.
STBXH also mentioned often that as part of our new life I should lose weight. My bmi is fine. Hence my amazement Friday evening, studying myself in front of the mirror at the b&b. My mental image of myself was a bit off, shall we say.
It's what they do.

Well I've written the email today. feel very scared. just wish I could wake up to him not being an abusive person

You've taken a HUGE step Calm, keep getting support on here and in real life cos there's so many people who are posting such great advice to you. I know you feel scared but you are doing the right thing. Hold onto the fact that none of this is your fault ( whatever he says!) His abusive behaviour is the problem. I'm not a huggy person but sending a virtual one!

Thank you dragonfly. It is so scary, especially as he is in his nice phase. Finding it an hourly struggle to stay believing it is actually abusive and that I am not throwing a decent relationship away over little things like a puppy now vs a rescue dog in a month.

I must go through with this though, for the kids and for me.

Thanks for the hug. I need them :(

There shouldn't be a "nice phase" when you are married. Your husband should be nice to you all the time.

You are doing great.

We'll be having tomorrow to celebrate DS1 passing his piano exam. Spread the joy, eat the cake .

Thank you itsfab. I will make some and eat it tomorrow. Well done your DS1 :)

Thank you. I feel like a baby deer - trying to find it's legs, and stumbling and falling. But soon I hope I will be galloping.

Thing is Calm ... there are NO "little things" .. value as far as the cosmos is concerned has nothing to do with material price tags. It's about Life.

STBXH values your subordination and inner death. He got rid of the pup you tried to save. He got your consent to do it.

He wants to get rid of anything in your spirit that opposes him. He will do anything to achieve that and even worse, sadistically speaking - he will get your consent to do just that.

You are indeed a darling baby deer .. he is a hunter ... i'm praying that his nice phase hangs around him for a while

ahem how do you think rescue dogs end up in the pounds ... they are thrown away by people or taken away from cruelty ... some are from folk who have died but most ... don't go there in your mind.

I'm not being harsh Calm .. ok maybe I am ... animals on this planet suffer so much at human hands. Humans suffer so much at human hands. It's just really unwise to rescue or home a darling innocent - who has no control of their destiny but what you allow - unless you CAN do it properly.

Calm ... listen ... do you think YOU are the puppy?
Emotionally speaking? "Trapped and powerless" (something you said way back when) ... and yet your strongest pull is to a puppy that is wanted and welcome .. as YOU should be by a loving partner (if you choose, these are optional extras), friends, family, yourself, life.

STBXH wants the wreck who has been through hell ... the tortured soul.
YOU as you are now.

I have always wanted to get a dog, but then I suppose I have always been abused... so there is probably some truth to me emotionally being the puppy. It also doesn't help the last puppy we had, when I was 7, my dad caused the death of

I would never get an animal while in this situation. It wouldn't be fair.... it's not fair on the DD'S.

ugh got this awful cold that's doing the rounds and I feel like death . DD2 was up 4 times last night due to teething and not once did GTBEXH offer to help.

I am going out today and he has started asking if that's a good idea as I may crash the car feeling like this

He then criticised how I had sat DD2 on my lap as 'she may launch herself forwards and fall'.

He then finally stood where DD1 has spilt dry cereal and asked me 'what's gone on here?' after me ignoring him (not in the bloody mood this morning. I know I'm being PA, but feeling like this I don't care) he stands there and asks 'can you even see this'. He has now buggered off, after just leaving it as he must be allergic to the fucking hoover

Wow, he's on form this morning then isn't he? I think ignoring him was the right resp[onse, not PA at all. In any event it's ok to be a tad snippy with an abuser, Calm. Grrrrr - he's a nasty shit isn't he? I have a cold too. You hereby have license to be as grumpy, sarky and PA as you like!

He really is on form this morning tipsy. oh he did leave me his strepsils though and offer to buy me a milkshake for my sore throat so he must really really luv me

It's so good to put these incidents down here...as on their own they look very minor. but they all form part of the bigger picture which shows him to be the twunt he is.

I had a series of weird dreams last night. In one I had sent the email Friday and was back in my house stress free with puppy and kids. It was lovely. In another one he was being very abusive. And the final one was reliving past abuse including the chocking incident. I think this is my subconscious very clearly showing me the 2 paths I can walk.

It completely escapes me what he is trying to achieve by asking things with such obvious answers.

Ok, this morning I have rung about the benefits and I can make a claim for all of the ones I was hoping I could, so that's good. Made my xmas list for my mum of dog stuff like crate etc.

So practically things are going well.

What he's achieving? Control (albeit delusional these days) ... it's like first and last word-ism isn't it? Also, somewhere in that nasty twisted mind of his he knows it irritates whilst simultaneously squashes any self esteem you might have left. Choking the life out of you is what he does, right?

Those dreams, well! I never heard of such clear indicators. This is how spirit works with mind though. It's kind of a psychic experience in every meaning of the term. When we need it I think everyone is way more psychic than they'd ever admit to. Which is a shame really because intuition is just the tip of the iceberg-potential.

Anyway, that's good news on the benefits. Have a good day out if you can and ignore his attempts to intervene and remote control!

Brilliant news about the benefits, Calm.

Onwards and upwards.

Oh ffs he's on form again tonight. I was talking about whether my laptop would play a game so he gets my laptop and starts logging in. I grab it and tell him to let me. so he asks me what I'm hiding, then goes on to say is it my boyfriend. It that who I'm really seeing when I'm going out in the evenings. is that why I don't want sex... All said jokingly enough of course

Oh and he did the switching of the lights again. I asked him why he's done that and apparently the main light is bad for me... I told him I got to decide that and I'd put it on as I wanted it on. And I got the whole sad puppy dog 'I'm doing it cause I care' look...

He's just revolting, isn't he? As Coyo says ... onwards and upwards ... him outwards ...

I'm really starting to notice how bad he is He keeps going on about sex tonight. It's his measure of how I feel about the relationship. ..He knows if I have sex with him he has got me sucked back... After every fight etc he will want sex.

my mum knows I need to talk to her Thursday about my marriage. I realise that I don't even have proper control over my body now I never thought it was as abusive as this.

There is a dangerous moment approaching. You cannot assume that you will be able to reject him ... was one of you in the spare room or am i misremembering?

Sex isn't his measure of how YOU feel at all, it's his measure of how much control over you he has. If you acquiesce it will be horrible and he will be elated. You won't like to label it rape because maybe you didn't fight back but I would call that situation rape nonetheless. You will feel spiritually gutted and humiliated.

I am truly worried for you tonight.

Oh ffs he's come and interupted my bath to ask me if I want to watch anything after it before masterchef. I'm fucking ill and just soaking and reading. I say I don't know it'll depend on when I get out. All I got was 'hmm' with raised eyebrows.

He then comes back to ask how come I never want to watch films or anything with him. ffs I've watched some animae every night with him. I've just got the sims 4 I'm playing and have been trying to get dragon age 3 working on my computer. he's complaining that he doesn't feel we are close anymore.

he's scrambling to get control and reel me back in...He knows something is off this time

No tipsy we don't have a spare room I know he won't stop badgering... normally I would have given in by now.

relieved I am out tomorrow night... though I will have to come home.