Calm, I'm reading your thread and almost having a panic attack as it is bringing back so many suffocating memories (not your fault!). My ex did all these things, and it was the attempts to control absolutely everything that I did, said and thought that almost killed my very being. My ex wasn't as violent as yours - he only ever slapped me twice right at the start then never again. But, as you say - he didn't need to be violent then, did he? I was already tiptoeing around on eggshells and placating him constantly.
This truly, truly is horrifically abusive and not normal. It took me a long time to realise this too as it was so subtle. Everyone else seemed to think the sun shined out of his arse, and he made it seem as though I was the one who people thought was controlling, mean and insane. In reality, once we split I was absolutely inundated with people saying thank god, we hated him, he was such a pompous controlling nutter! My parents wept with relief and told me they had been awake every night for years worrying about me, but didn't want to interfere and make it all so much worse. Friends I hadn't seen in years phoned me to invite me out, telling me they had backed off due to his behaviour and they couldn't stand to watch it any longer.
I've been there - constantly being intruded upon and spied upon. Couldn't even go to the loo without a sigh and a comment about why did I need to go so often, did I have a bladder problem (er, no I am perfectly normal). Couldn't go to bed early without him as had to stay up and listen to his monologues. Couldn't stay up after him as why on earth would I want to be in a room without him? What was I up to? He told me after I had DC1 that he couldn't understand why I wanted to go out for a meal with friends - what kind of mother doesn't want to stay at home with her child? My ex was self employed and worked from home, so I had this 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. He kept hold of my bank card at all times, as I was obviously so irresponsible with money that this was for my own good, see? I was so ashamed that I couldn't so much as go grab a coffee in my lunch break with colleagues - as I didn't have a penny on me and no cards. I made up endless excuses to avoid telling anyone this as I knew how it sounded.
I was never outright forbidden from doing anything per se. If I pointed out his control tactics I was trying to make him sound awful when all he did was care about me and love me. He twisted it all so I sounded like a careless, neglectful lazy parent, who couldn't even make a tiny effort to make the person she loved happy. Because that's what people do, try to make each other happy. Not sure why he never bothered to make me happy!
We split 18m ago and I am so so happy just waking up each day without him there next to me. Whatever happens in my life, however shit things may get at times - I don't wake up with that heavy, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach any more. I don't dread him entering the room, or my phone ringing. It hasn't been plain sailing but never was anything so worth it! And it is thanks to just reading some of the threads on here.
He often said we should split up, and I would beg him to stay - but the last time I just said 'Okay then' and then stuck to it. Nothing he said or did could change my mind, and he could see that I meant it.
I'm worried about you though, OP. His past violence is very extreme - throttling is a really big danger sign - one of the worst. Once he realises he has lost you, I fear he may become violent again. I am not exaggerating when I say ask WA about refuges. Really. If you don't need it in the end it is still good to know it is an option.
Sorry for the enormous essay! Keep your chin up and keep up the planning. Be safe. x