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Original poster

Me again. ..

558 replies

CalmAndConfused · 14/11/2014 16:57

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice Hmm ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

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BeeOrchid · 21/11/2014 20:33

My STBXH was forever checking up on my internet history. He'd also read my emails and question me about what I'd sent or received. Give me a hard time about it. Eventually I gave up on emailing friends and limited my internet use to what he'd approve of. Which was very little. Sometimes I'd stop using the internet at all for weeks. So I became even more isolated.
So apart from me venting, I'm wondering of you've normalised him monitoring your internet use. Sounds like it and that's pretty sad.

BeeOrchid · 21/11/2014 20:33

Good idea tipsy

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/11/2014 20:33

You got me looking at quotes tipsy. I'm just sticking these here so that when I reread the thread, I can read these too.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.

It doesn't take a lot of strength to hang on. It takes a lot of strength to let go.

When adversity strikes, that's when you have to be the most calm. Take a step back, stay strong, stay grounded and press on.

Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven't half the strength you think they have.

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/11/2014 20:36

That is a good idea tipsy. I don't know for sure he does it. But he certainly would know how (works in IT). He has told me before he could easily find my username, and then asked me what it was :O I refused to tell him.

He does ask what I am up to when I am on the internet though

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tipsytrifle · 21/11/2014 20:39

oh yeah .. ticking checklist ...

Itsfab · 21/11/2014 20:47

If he could easily find your user name why ask you for it?

He is a twat. He makes a threat then a demand. Pillock.

Christmas Day without him. Imagine. Stocking for the puppy. Imagine.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/11/2014 21:01

Aw a sticking for the puppy [heart melts] and a day round mum's where I can stay as late as I want!

He is a fucking twat. I just bumped into him downstairs and he's reminded me not to go to bed to late, as he doesn't want me getting to tiered (I'd mentioned I was knackered and would likely go to bed around 8:30). How sweet he cares so much [hmmm]

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/11/2014 21:02

omg stocking....a stocking! not a sticking

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/11/2014 21:48

The Christmas I want

Me again. ..
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Itsfab · 21/11/2014 21:57

And you can have it but you have to make it happen.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/11/2014 22:02

I do, and I will.

Another example of STBEXH twattery tonight is when he asks me about xmas presents, he has the cheek to ask me if there was anything I really wanted. What a bloody dick, almost to rub my face in the fact (to his knowledge) that I won't be getting puppy Angry

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 21/11/2014 22:14

ffs, I knew it. He has just come into the bedroom telling me 'I thought you were going to sleep because you were so tiered'. I refused to engage, said I changed my mind. He then goes on that if that was the case we could have watched more tv together and he thought I was so tiered.

I really do have no freedom to even do what I want without being questioned about everything. Before I thought it was normal, but I can see now how bad it really is. I will be free by my birthday, I am not wasting another year off my life on him.

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BeeOrchid · 21/11/2014 22:29

Yes, questioned about absolutely everything. I had to have a cat iron reason for every little thing I did. God forbid I should say "It was an impulse" or "I just felt like it". That never went down well.
I once decided to give myself a face pack once a week. So every Thursday I did. When I mentioned this to STBXH, after a few weeks, he was outraged.
"You never said anything to me about this!". Ffs, it was even an old tube of face pack I was using. No new expense.
So everything I did, I would think through so carefully. No spontaneity and it was never about pleasing me, just him. Little domestic dictators.

tipsytrifle · 21/11/2014 22:32

Good for you, darling Calm. It is clear just from your observations this eve that there will be no peace for you. As Itsfab said earlier, don't underestimate his sixth sense either. He knows that something's brewing, he knows that he's talked his way back into your home without really getting an enthusiastic "YES" from you. In fact, what he's getting from you now is probably not enough to feed his inner tyrant, so he may even need to get a buzz by notching things up a bit control-wise. I don't know, it's just a tingly warning bell in my mind's eye ... ear .. whatever ...

Be careful, Calm ... don't let a storm catch you unawares.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 22/11/2014 08:25

So apparently I am being very hostile this morning and STBEXH thinks nothing is changing, I'm not being serious or caring. Why am I being so short tempered.

This is because he started asking me 1000 questions while I was watching a film with DD1. I gave quick short answers (ok my voice probably conveyed may irritation and lack of patients).

He then wanted to dicuss what was wrong with me and how nothing is changing. ...In front of the kids Shock Angry I pointed out to him I would not engage in a relationship discussion in front of the children. His response was 'they aren't even paying attention. They are watching the film'. I again reiterated I would not do this as it is not acceptable to do so in front of children.

He is now moody and huffy. All a bloody ploy to reassert control and to get me to reassure him I'm trying, I wuv him and want us to work and live happily ever after Angry

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 22/11/2014 08:28

Oh I forgot! when I said I would not engage in a discussion while the kids are awake his response was 'so I'm meant to stress and worry all day and walk on eggshells'.

His needs come before the kids obviously

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FunkyBoldRibena · 22/11/2014 08:28

he has the cheek to ask me if there was anything I really wanted

Yes, to be single again.

I thought you were going to sleep because you were so tiered'

I'm tired of you actually, that's why I came up here.

what was wrong with me and how nothing is changing

Nothing wrong with me and yes, nothing is changing is it. To make these changes, leave this house and go somewhere I am not'

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 22/11/2014 08:38

Still trying to engage me and is now slamming about. I'm shaky.

he's such a fucking tosser

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tipsytrifle · 22/11/2014 08:43

It's going to get a bit muddy from now on, I think. He's prepared to take you on in front of the kids. Red flag for escalation. In truth, your responses are being noticed and, said with respect, you are being kind of passive aggressive - or on the edge of being so - in the way you are dismissing him. Clearly this is NOT trying again. On the plus side you are testing the boundaries of your fear. I did this too, I think many of us do it as a tactic for seeing if we can talk back without the sky falling in.

Why can't you behave as if you are trying again? Because you don't want to. You have no respect for him left, never mind any liking. It's over already.

You may have decided to wait a bit but the Knowing part of you can't pretend - and is actually a tad angry at feeling trapped.

There's no point in trying to punish him for being the idiot that he is. You can't change him, you can't change the situation but you CAN choose what you say and do next. Being nice to him really isn't going to work but being PA isn't going to achieve anything either. Your frustration is almost at boil point ...

tipsytrifle · 22/11/2014 08:46

In time of course you will radically change the situation ...

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 22/11/2014 09:00

No I take your points tipsy, that is just how I feel.

When he is pushing like that how is better to respond?

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FunkyBoldRibena · 22/11/2014 09:04

When he is pushing like that how is better to respond?

Can you tell him to leave if he doesn't like it?

At some point you are either going to have to back down, leave yourself or tell him to go.

gamerchick · 22/11/2014 09:10

He's pulling out the big guns. This was the one thing that made me back down time and time again when he would bring the kids into it. Grabbing them and crying all over them it was horrendous.

You need to make a plan to put some space with force fields in front of you. You need rl help to get away from him.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 22/11/2014 09:33

He is. normally I'd be back under his spell again. Not this time. going to let my sister know tonight. I'm seeing my friends on Wednesday so I'll tell them for support . I'm going to see mum Thursday so will tell her as she will support me. Then after the outreach meeting I will tell him to leave.

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Itsfab · 22/11/2014 13:04

You can not stay together any longer now he is abusing the children even more. You in case you don't get it, discussing a failing relationship in front of them and him blaming you for his worry is subjecting the children to unnecessary upset.

Have you tried asking him why he wants you to stop watching tv, why you have to go to bed when he says or why you aren't allowed to change your mind? I wonder if controllers are under the impression you aren't aware what they are doing is wrong.

Wednesday. Thursday. That is next week. It is the weekend. He needs to go today. Go back to Mummy.

I would say - Husband, things aren't great at the moment. Do you want our marriage to succeed? Assuming he says yes tell him you want space to just be and remember how good things used to be without you both bickering. Then suggest he goes to his mothers for a bit for some looking after.

Make it sound like you care about him and the marriage.

Then Monday file for divorce.

He is abusing and controlling you all. A few little white lies are totally allowed.