Me again. ..

[CalmAndConfused]

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

"When your mum says life will be harder..." ask her does she have a crystal ball?

Nobody can predict the future, we can only do our best. All you know is that you are very unhappy at the moment and the source of that unhappiness. And fortunately you do not have to choose between married life and the workhouse or anything like that.
Keep on planning, OP.

So much energy spent on thinking about him and his actions.

I agree Coyoacan, I think life will probably be a lot less stressful and easier for me. Yes it will still be hard, there will be other challenges and difficulties, but at least I won't be so unhappy.

I am planning for sure. I'm not giving up. I now know what I need to do differently next time to block him trying to reel me back and manipulate me.

Yes, his mask is unlikely to last long. Especially if you resist the bait and don't justify/validate/explain yourself. For instance, you might ignore comments like "you're getting a lot of texts tonight". Or say something dastardly that could pass for humour like "johnny depp again" ....

Have you thought how you'll respond when he decides it's time for sex? Sorry to put it so bluntly but if this is a sort of re-union ...

I think "building strength" is what happens on recovery from illness, accident or bad situations. What you might be aiming for is mental preparedness. Don't recall who said it but I've heard that you can't solve a problem with the same energy that created it. You are in the situation and you won't acquire new strength from it. Quite the opposite, really. But you might get exceedingly angry and that's often a good energy to act on.

The last straw will come; you know it, we all know it

Oh ffs. He literally came through to interrupt my programme to ask me to think of some more things I would like for Xmas... He's meant to bloody know me. I'm also getting this awful talking to me in a very soft voice, almost like I am a young child. Does that make sense, or do I just sound like a bitch?

That's a good point tipsy. Your right I can't build strength when the whole situation is designed to sap it from me. Can't believe I've not seen it before.

I do need to resist the bait instead of indulging him. For example when he mentioned the messages I said some are probably junk emails, I am so used to minimising and keeping the peace.

Re sex... I am dreading it. I would like to think I can just say 'No', and leave it at that, not lie or give excuses, but in the past I just cave in as otherwise he is so unpleasant. This time though I don't even wanting him hugging me or holding my hand, so the thought of sex makes my skin almost crawl. Plus I know I want to leave him and that this 'trying phase' to me isn't real, it is me saying what I need to so that I can get my plan sorted and leave.

Any ideas for how to write the email?

For now you are his pwecious pwincess and he wants to spoil you ... that he is controlling you by interrupting has not escaped your notice? Also that he thinks you are venal enough to clap hands and say "oh my pwince, can i have pwesents pleeeeze?"

Sorry, I can be overly sarcastic. Perhaps he will try and entice you later with even more delights on a rainy Friday eve?

What email do you want to write? The one that goes "We are done, this is over. Practicalities will be sorted but your immediate absence from my life is required"

That one? When you are ready the words will come fast and furious!

It had not escaped my notice tipsy I mentally ticked it off in my head. He is going round the house actually doing things like the dishwasher, asking about what we should do with the kids tomorrow, being nice to them and making an effort and so on, and it is doing my head in because I know it's just part of the routine, yet I am the one who will be called out on not trying hard enough.

Asking about the presents he does every bloody year, and every time I think that it is ridiculous he can't even choose presents for me. Tonight though I am sure it is to draw attention to how much he wuvs me.

Sarcasm btw always equals good in my books!

Yes lol that email! I was wondering if there was anything I should remember while writing it, or if I should just go to town lol

You know what? When the time comes, do whatever makes you feel like YOU! I just found a quote which I've edited slightly so it doesn't get too slushy and boring ... just as a thought for the now:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” (Marianne Williamson)

Will you please stop putting yourself down and questioning yourself? Do you really believe you are a bitch or are you just after more reassurance?

He senses a change in you and he is trying to get you back in line. Are you going to let him?

You want out. It is time to make sure he knows it and then do something about it.

and then there is this:

Thank you I needed the shake. I do actually start thinking that I am a bitch, cold, a bully etc as he tells me when I stand up for what I want that I am.

I love the quotes, I am saving them so I can look at them whenever I need.

I am not going to let him get me back in line, no way. I am still getting hit by revelations I've not noticed before. Whenever I hear him go up and down the stairs my anxiety increases and I just hope he leaves me be and doesn't interrupt me etc.

Would it be awfully cruel to leave him on the anniversary of when he asked me out (first week in December)

If that timing works for you then it it absolutely YOUR CHOICE, dear Calm

"it is" not "it it" ... lol

My choice - it's so weird. Even with you guys I am looking for someone to tell me what to do... I am so uncomfortable with making decisions myself without someone else giving me the green light. Wow I have never noticed.

I am speaking to the breeder next week, and have my outreach appointment on the 5th, so I think after that, before my birthday 10 days later, will be my plan.

omg - is your b/day 15 Dec?

14th (didn't want to put the whole date in case he searches for it)

Cool, I'm the 15th. "There's no such thing as coincidence" ... another cosmic wow ... timing is so very precious ...

D'you want me to ask MN to remove my post mentioning month?

No I don't believe in coincidences. Timing is definitely precious. The thought of spending another valentines day with him is horrific, same with my birthday thinking about it.

No it's fine :) he won't search for the 15th

And so now we are talking about how he possibly, probably, you know he does it checks what you're up to online. Just thought I'd mention that ...

Someone should produce an online spreadsheet on which people tick when controlling criteria have been demonstrated, one by painful one