Could you take him back after midlife crisis?

[PaisleySheets]

Just what the title says really.

If your otherwise exemplary and lovely husband had a two year hiatus from being a normal human being, where he got depression, was not sure he loved you or ever did and moved out, would you be able to forgive him?

He wasn't having an affair, there's never been anyone else involved. I am not sure why he did what he did. All he will say is that he felt he had to do it.

One minute I feel really sorry for him. We had a terrible debt problem and he'd been my rock for a long time and just couldn't cope. I also feel sorry for him because he made an awful mess of his life, he's had dreadful depression that's crippled him and he's been through a miserable time on his own. I also genuinely believe he loves me and regrets what he did.

One the other hand, during the worst of this "midlife crisis" he treated me like dirt on the street. The first I knew of any problem was an email to say he didn't love me anymore and was never coming home and to move on with my life. I won't bore everyone with all the details of the last two years, but in the first six months he was really about as cruel and unfeeling as a person can be and I got to the point I was calling Samaritans every week.

We had a happy marriage, losing him like that was the worst experience I have ever been through but I fought through it and made a new life for myself 400 miles away and my career took off.

I hoped for so long that he would "get better" and want to come home, but now he does, I don't know what to do. I am just so angry at him!

I know I love him, and before all this happened I couldn't fault him or us and I felt it was everything I'd ever wanted -but everything that's happened since feels so hard to get over.

I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face though, and part of me feels like working things through with him is my best chance at happiness. I've dated a few great men and none of them make me feel that way that my husband did.

Has anyone ever let a wayward spouse come home after a long period apart or after them doing wrong? How did it go? I feel like I just can't go through being hurt again :(

I tried to keep this short by not including too much detail but I can also point out that we don't have children, we are both late thirties and neither of us filed for divorce.

I have shown myself and him I am perfectly capable of living without him, and I enjoy life and have filled it with fun and friends and travel and new hobbies and dates but I admit that without him I feel a constant void deep down.

I don't think it is that unheard of for people to change hugely with depression, and to make big, often incorrect, life changes during that period.

I also think that if his depression was that severe three days after leaving you, he was probably hiding a pretty bad case before he left.

But it's your prerogative whether you can move on. If you've never been angry, you will most likely need to go through the stages that you should have gone through at the time. You delayed that out of concern for him, but you can't skip them. You have to process the pain.

Then it's up to you. You can forgive, or you can not. If you can't believe that his depression caused this, you can't forgive him. So the decision is made, and you may as well leave things as they are, so that you don't meet up and inflict false hope, or just drag up a lot of feelings and emotion for you both.

It doesn't matter if a billion people come and tell you that they left their partner during depression, that they treated them terribly. It matters whether you love him, and whether you believe that the depression was at fault. That is it.

Do allow yourself to be angry and sad now, though. Grieve the relationship. You need too

Also, really, the only way to know how he feels is to watch what he does from now. the proof will be in the pudding so to speak.

If he did do this because he was ill, then presumably he will move heaven and earth to make amends now.

If he is genuinely sorry and genuinely feels the deep love and loss that I have felt then he surely has a way he can show that to me.

I am not talking about stones at the window but he can certainly show some serious effort and explaining all of this and proving things would be diferrent etc.

marriage vows that enforce staying with someone that belittles, hurts and tears apart the person they married are wrong, wrong, wrong.

a weekend is a joke, he's looking to browbeat the op into doing what he wants her to do again, so he can reclaim his 'standing' this is nothing to do with making up for what he's done. he's got a bloody cheek in asking tbh.

I agreed with the pp that said about the op harking back to atime where she believed everything was ok. it wasn't, it never was ok, he was pretending.

please don't go back. he doesn't deserve you.

thank you InfinitySeven. I think if his depression did cause it he can show that to me now. He can have the chance I never had but it's not going to involve a weekend together now and jumping in like Romeo and Juliet.

Also InfinitySeven he did say he had been hiding it. I am not sure how he did, but he says he was suicidal for months before he left. Another thing I blame myself for in not noticing this but he seemed normal to me.

I've got to be honest. If I wanted someone in my life why they did it would only be relevant in so much as what would I need to look for in order to protect myself if I saw those signs again.

But If I was in your position one of my conditions would probably be permission to talk to dh doctor. At least then you can get some of your questions answered as to how long they felt his illness has been brewing.

But tbh if you can't let the anger go (and to be clear there is nothing wrong with you if this isn't something you cant or don't want to do) it isn't the right path for you.

No point in feeling bad or guilty on this.

That's a very good idea. I'd have to think long and hard about practical steps for self protection.

I've only had the anger for a few days, so maybe I need to just let it spew out

Not much else you can do with anger. Use it to drive you into action or spew it out and let it go.