Could you take him back after midlife crisis?

[PaisleySheets]

Just what the title says really.

If your otherwise exemplary and lovely husband had a two year hiatus from being a normal human being, where he got depression, was not sure he loved you or ever did and moved out, would you be able to forgive him?

He wasn't having an affair, there's never been anyone else involved. I am not sure why he did what he did. All he will say is that he felt he had to do it.

One minute I feel really sorry for him. We had a terrible debt problem and he'd been my rock for a long time and just couldn't cope. I also feel sorry for him because he made an awful mess of his life, he's had dreadful depression that's crippled him and he's been through a miserable time on his own. I also genuinely believe he loves me and regrets what he did.

One the other hand, during the worst of this "midlife crisis" he treated me like dirt on the street. The first I knew of any problem was an email to say he didn't love me anymore and was never coming home and to move on with my life. I won't bore everyone with all the details of the last two years, but in the first six months he was really about as cruel and unfeeling as a person can be and I got to the point I was calling Samaritans every week.

We had a happy marriage, losing him like that was the worst experience I have ever been through but I fought through it and made a new life for myself 400 miles away and my career took off.

I hoped for so long that he would "get better" and want to come home, but now he does, I don't know what to do. I am just so angry at him!

I know I love him, and before all this happened I couldn't fault him or us and I felt it was everything I'd ever wanted -but everything that's happened since feels so hard to get over.

I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face though, and part of me feels like working things through with him is my best chance at happiness. I've dated a few great men and none of them make me feel that way that my husband did.

Has anyone ever let a wayward spouse come home after a long period apart or after them doing wrong? How did it go? I feel like I just can't go through being hurt again :(

I tried to keep this short by not including too much detail but I can also point out that we don't have children, we are both late thirties and neither of us filed for divorce.

I have shown myself and him I am perfectly capable of living without him, and I enjoy life and have filled it with fun and friends and travel and new hobbies and dates but I admit that without him I feel a constant void deep down.

It's the cruelty and blame that doesn't sit right for me, Paisley.

Also, that he seems largely unaware of how much he hurt you, and that you're afraid to raise the issue. He can't have been absent that long, and said what he said, without some awareness that it was going to hurt, and that he'd done considerable damage.

It's possible there may have been more to his breakdown than he will admit, perhaps even to himself.

I do agree with Coffee that it's quite ok to say 'this isn't the road for me' if you so choose.

I did read online that men can experience it differently. One website says:

Differences Between Male and Female Depression

Women with depression:

Blame themselves

Feel sad, apathetic and worthless

Feel anxious and scared

Avoid conflicts at all costs

Always try to be “nice”

Withdraw when feeling hurt

Feel lethargic

Can be a chronic procrastinator

Sleep too much

Feel guilty for what they do

Feel uncomfortable receiving praise

Find it easy to talk about weaknesses and doubts

Use food, friends and "love" to self-medicate

Believe problems could be solved only if they could be a better spouse, co-worker, parent, friend

Constantly wonder, "Am I lovable enough?"

Men with depression:

Feel others are to blame

Feel angry, irritable and ego-inflated

Feel suspicious and guarded

Create conflicts

May act overtly or covertly hostile

Attack when feeling hurt

Feel restless and agitated

Sleep too little

Must be in control at all costs

Feel ashamed for who they are

Feel terrified to talk about weaknesses and doubts

Have strong fear of failure

Use alcohol, TV, sports and sex to self-medicate

I'd day this was a lot like what he was like with it. He did have bit of the women's description too, but definitely he was angry and irritable, drinking, attacking, wouldn't talk, blamed me and was hostile.

You say that you may be in love with your new boyfriend so do you want to continue with that.

I said I felt what might be love. I'm not "in love". He's been very good to me, and I feel very warm towards him. Maybe "fond" is the word? I care a lot about him but can't imagine wanting to grow old with him.

He's actually very similar to my husband, but for whatever reason I just don't feel the same. It'd make life easier if I did!

"Constantly wonder, "Am I lovable enough?""

I would add that men are utterly convinced that they are not lovable and anyone who loves them is utterly mad/stupid

"It's a very good point that I am scared to waste any more years given my age. I am dating someone right now who I really like (perhaps even love) ".

This is the bit I was referring to.

How long have you been seeing him? Do you feel that in time your feelings may grow stronger?

I don't know. I was thinking of ending it before all this anyway because I just felt it was unfair on him. He's looking for marriage and kids and for me the 100% chemistry isn't there. I care about him a lot but I do feel like sticking with it would be settling. That sounds very funny to say because he's younger, more physically attractive, better off financially than my husband but my husband just was IT to me. For reasons that I couldn't describe he just felt right from the first date. They are very similar though. Both nice guys, both soft hearted, both romantic and gentle. I think that's what attracted me to him but when I am with him and we're just watching a film I frequently find myself wishing I was laying on my husbands chest and cuddling him instead and it brings tears to my eyes. So that's surely not a good sign!

I think you have to accept that it wasn't him being cruel to you. He was ill. You wouldn't blame someone for delirious ramblings whilst suffering from a fever. Having seen someone in the cruel throes of depression I have huge respect for those who hold on and drag themselves back from there. I don't think you can expect someone who is in that terrible place to be carefully considering the impact of their words and actions on someone else. Most of us feel a little bit miserable for 10 mins or maybe even a day. We rationalize and argue with ourselves and cheer ourselves up. Imagine it lasting for weeks and months and rationalizing not working and feeling you daren't tell anyone else and if you did tell someone it actually making you feel even lower. I think it is hard for those of us who haven't been there to understand it. I was told it can take a few years to feel fully recovered. I think you owe it to him to listen and try to understand. Not negating how upsetting it was for you his actions but clearly he suffered a great deal more than you and that wasn't a path he chose.

Bollocks to it, I've been trying not to but I'm going to bite.

Why does mad or bad matter. Because if you marry you promise in sickness or in health. And health should not be restricted to physical, mental illness matters

Take the example of someone who was vile to their spouse because they were going through cancer treatment and couldn't deal with it. They get to the end of the treatment realise that they've behaved abominably and ask for forgiveness. But they can't guarantee the problem won't return. I can't imagine anyone saying you shouldn't give it a second go.

Yet mental illness is an entirely different matter. We write people with mental illness off all too easy.

Yes the capacity for harm is great which is why "I love you but you don't talk to me like that. I'll be here for you when you talk to me with respect." is so important.

Sometimes the risk of harm is too great and then you have to walk for your own safety.

If you can't step into that role, and not everyone can, that to me is when you walk away. But then you are walking away because you can't for whatever reason you can't meet your dp's needs. And it's ok to honestly make that choice.

But I do think if someone adds significant value to your life and otherwise makes you happy it is worthwhile going through those decisions and having that discussion

To be honest, if someone with cancer was consistently cruel in their treatment of me, day after day, week after week, month after month, without respite - then I absolutely believe I could and would walk away from him. To preserve myself. Not immediately, but the water torture would do its damage. I would walk sooner now I have children than when it was just me. And if that makes me a bad person in some people's eyes then so be it. But I've seen enough cancer suffers in pain and in terror not react in that way. I've seen them snap in the moment (and, yes, sometimes the moment can last for hours or even days), but they come back to their normal personality and apologise a long, long time before recovery is assured.

And I've seen plenty of male depression sufferers not react in that way. I'm actually really uncomfortable with the concept that depression allows men to behave aggressively and get away with it.

Time and again on here I read the mantra that "it's not your fault you have depression but it is your responsibility to seek treatment". Well, this man didn't.

And as for "I love you but you don't talk to me like that. I'll be here for you when you talk to me with respect." - how long should you have to wait? OP waited 2 years. 5 years? 10? A life time?

I agree completely with Cinnabar.

Coffee is right insofar as this will never work if you still feel angry. But my worry is that for you not to be angry you will squash your feelings.

Here's the crux, you have a lot to be angry about. Your anger is real and valid and not at all misplaced. For that to be dealt with it is not a case of forgive and forget. That would also be very unwise.

There is nothing wrong with doing what is best for you. You need to have the future that you want.

If you feel that you need some kind of closure or certainty then I think trying to get some answers could be really good for you. Not with a view of rekindling things, but to help you deal with your own feelings.

You went from a loving relationship to no contact and complete rejection overnight. That's a shock. That created hurt, anger, rejection, and must have been utterly confusing. You had to go through that grief alone. Your H had the choice of your support, you didn't have the choice of his.

It wasn't fair.

Unfortunately, because of the nature of depression, all the answers you want may well not exist beyond what he's already given you.

There is no "reason" you had to suffer other than how his depression manifested.

He may never get depressed ever again. He may suffer regularly throughout life. You can't know which it might be.

It's all guess work.

You could ask him what he thinks would happen in the future if he felt himself getting depressed again, what measures he has in place to manage his illness.

I am so sorry you went through this. The most important thing is that you find a way to deal with your emotions. You clearly haven't moved on. Your new man could end up being the love of your life, but your feelings for H are still in the way.

So my only real advice is, accept that your anger is real and valid and justified. You are allowed to be angry with him, with his illness, with his actions. That doesn't mean punishing him or screaming at him or acting on it. It just means how you feel is not less important than how he feels.

He may not be able to deal with you bringing up the past and expressing yourself, in which case I would suggest that getting through this with him would be unfeasible. You will end up resenting him, forever wondering why, and waiting for it all to go wrong.

If this is truly how his depression manifests then it will not just be you who suffers, he will also treat any future children in the same way (I've seen it happen).

Do what you need to now. He is better and responsible for himself. You will both have changed over the past 2 years. You're not the same people. Take things slowly and try to see him for who he is now, not the man you thought he was.

Where does the op say her husband was aggressive? Bloody unpleasant yes, but I don't see aggressive.

I see exactly that cycle of seeking treatment, accepting responsibility seeking forgiveness and asking for that long conversation "can we start again".

And I totally agree with fuckyou (she says what I have been trying to say more eloquently), that that conversation is about who am I now, does what you need fit with what I want (including no children for a long time) and what I am able to give. Can we both get our needs met? But to be honest I find that a useful conversation to have in all relationships.

"And as for "I love you but you don't talk to me like that. I'll be here for you when you talk to me with respect." - how long should you have to wait? OP waited 2 years. 5 years? 10? A life time?"
For as long as I woke up in the morning and i still wanted that person in my life. There is no should about it.

Upon reflection I do think you also need to analyse yourself why you reacted the way you did to his actions.
Could it be that the bond between you two was not that healthy?
Joint and individual counselling sound right to either build a new relationship or move on.
You are now different people, who nevertheless share a traumatic experience.
If you think of depression as a chemical imbalance in the brain it may be easier to be angry at the disease and not the person.

What do you mean Lweji?

Coffee, OP described him upthread as "angry and irritable, drinking, attacking, wouldn't talk, blamed me and was hostile." All of that behaviour is intensely emotionally aggressive. It is certainly abusive.

Regarding your last paragraph. Could I check you mean as long as the well person still wants the depressive in her life? You have referred to your own depression elsewhere on the thread, so I just want to check you don't mean otherwise.

She waited for him, and waited for him, and waited for him. And he emotionally kicked her again and again and again. Eventually she moved on, she had to. And she was finding some peace. And now he's back in touch, raking it up, hurting her again.

It's all about him. Again. I actually think a decent person, having done what he did, wouldn't ask for her forgiveness but would leave her in peace.

I know that he didn't ask to get ill or to feel this way, but I think it's unfair to say he suffered more than me.

For those of you who are happily married, try and imagine coming home one day for your H to tell you he didn't love you and he'd been unhappy with you for months without explaining any reasons why and for him to immediately move out and refuse to see or speak to you. Remember it was months before he was diagnosed as ill and over that period I had to live with people around me (his Mum, his best friend, mutual friends, my family) all believing his story that he didn't love me anymore and wanted to end the marriage and throughout that period where I thought "this can't be really happening" they all thought we must have been having marital problems no one knew about. It was utterly isolating and so painful and confusing.

When he was diagnosed, instead of it being a relief and him going back to normal instead it was further confirmation of how miserable he must have been and it was all my fault. Attempts to help or contact him were met with rejection. I was made to feel after 5 - 6 months had passed as if I was an insane person unwilling to accept my husband didn't love me anymore. I remember so well his best friend calling me to any he could not believe it, could not understand it but that he felt I should move on as some things were just not meant to be.

I kept hoping long after everyone told me I was bonkers, including my counsellor who told me in no uncertain terms that I was being mentally abused by his insistence overnight that our marriage was over and his illness was my fault, that he didn't love me and yet a complete refusal to explain in any way why this was the case.

Going through depression like he went through and being suicidal must have been awful, but like I said, I was suicidal too for a very long time.

I agree that if he had stayed it would have been a hell of a bumpy ride and that I would have lived with the daily pain and rejection but at least deep down I would have known it was an illness and that we would weather the storm and I would still have been his wife. Instead he made me absolutely believe that the cause of his illness was being unhappy with me and trapped with the wrong person and that he was happier without me.

I didn't move on because I wanted to, I did it because I had to. Two years is a long time to grieve and believe something to be true. I had a long time to adjust to the fact that he just didn't love me the way I thought he had and while it was very hard to believe eventually I had no choice but to begin believing what he was saying.

I went to bed last night sure that I will have to see what happens here because he is my husband and I ever stopped loving him but then I also woke up in the night drenched in sweat after a dream he was attacking me so my subconscious is obviously really afraid.

If though, I believe he loves me as much as I love him (which at the moment I don't), then it's worth it. He has to find some way to show that's the case though and he has to accept you can't tell a person you don't love them for two years and behave this way then just expect, ill or not, to pop back up as if nothing every happened.

Paisley, I've been through both sides. I've had depression and I've lived with a long term depressive.

No one who hasn't, can understand how hard it is to be blamed for someone else's illness constantly.

I was once told that living with a depressive gives you all of the symptoms of depression, but without the understanding that goes with having the illness. And I truly believe that.

What you went through is enormous and must not be belittled. Not by anyone, and especially not by H.

I think you'll be able to tell a lot by how he responds to you. Is he asking how you are? Is he trying to find out what you went through, how you coped and what he can do to help you heal? Does he now take full responsibility for how he treated you? Is every discussion about his feelings, or does he make sure that you talk about your feelings too? He didn't seek help at the time, what would be different if there was a next time?

You need support and reassurance from him. Is he capable of giving this equally and sensibly, or will he hide away his feelings and end up in the same mess?

You need answers, is he able to focus on what you need and give it to you?

I think you should meet and talk face to face and see how you feel. There may just have been too much water under the bridge and damage to repair and you will need to be wary of trying to 'turn back the clock' and more focussed on whether or not you can build something new from teh wreckage as it were. Good luck illness of any kind can cause havoc in relationships but I know from experience that you can get through it x

Fuckyou...do your H blame you for his depression too then?

Most people only play the blame game with those closest to them You would hope if he is recovering he can see this now

He did. Used to tell me how it was all my fault. It was devastating. In fact that was the thing that I never could get over.

There were other issues in my marriage, he crossed a lot of lines when depressed, and it changed the way he treated me once better (that doesn't mean your H would do the same). Ultimately things got very bad and I left. He was no longer ill, but nor was he the man I thought he was.

Be wary of listening to his words, watch his actions, they'll tell you much more.

Can I ask you then fuckyou...

did he 100% believe what he was saying at the time?

did he realise he was wrong after?

was there any truth in it?

I was also told that I needed to get over and not bring up the past, or he would relapse (by him). This meant I could never heal.

I don't want to project my marriage on to yours, because your H is not my XH, but do make sure you're dealing with things and that they aren't being brushed to one side.

Take it really slow, and don't just move in together.

Date cautiously, you have to be able to talk to him about what he did. If that is a no-go area you can never have a decent relationship.

Basically he has to earn your trust again.

I am sure he would prefer to just forget about the 2 years and pretend it did not happen, but that is not how life works.