Could you take him back after midlife crisis?

[PaisleySheets]

Just what the title says really.

If your otherwise exemplary and lovely husband had a two year hiatus from being a normal human being, where he got depression, was not sure he loved you or ever did and moved out, would you be able to forgive him?

He wasn't having an affair, there's never been anyone else involved. I am not sure why he did what he did. All he will say is that he felt he had to do it.

One minute I feel really sorry for him. We had a terrible debt problem and he'd been my rock for a long time and just couldn't cope. I also feel sorry for him because he made an awful mess of his life, he's had dreadful depression that's crippled him and he's been through a miserable time on his own. I also genuinely believe he loves me and regrets what he did.

One the other hand, during the worst of this "midlife crisis" he treated me like dirt on the street. The first I knew of any problem was an email to say he didn't love me anymore and was never coming home and to move on with my life. I won't bore everyone with all the details of the last two years, but in the first six months he was really about as cruel and unfeeling as a person can be and I got to the point I was calling Samaritans every week.

We had a happy marriage, losing him like that was the worst experience I have ever been through but I fought through it and made a new life for myself 400 miles away and my career took off.

I hoped for so long that he would "get better" and want to come home, but now he does, I don't know what to do. I am just so angry at him!

I know I love him, and before all this happened I couldn't fault him or us and I felt it was everything I'd ever wanted -but everything that's happened since feels so hard to get over.

I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face though, and part of me feels like working things through with him is my best chance at happiness. I've dated a few great men and none of them make me feel that way that my husband did.

Has anyone ever let a wayward spouse come home after a long period apart or after them doing wrong? How did it go? I feel like I just can't go through being hurt again :(

I tried to keep this short by not including too much detail but I can also point out that we don't have children, we are both late thirties and neither of us filed for divorce.

I have shown myself and him I am perfectly capable of living without him, and I enjoy life and have filled it with fun and friends and travel and new hobbies and dates but I admit that without him I feel a constant void deep down.

Paisley, xpost, yes I think he believed it. It took the responsibility away from him and meant he could hurt me as I deserved it. It was a way of pushing me away.

He apologised afterwards, but then forbade me from bringing it up.

When we finally split he often said that he was right and that I was the cause.

He ultimately turned out to be very different from the man I married.

No.

I would move on.

But to allow yourself to move on, you might need to see him a couple of times and talk to him. But in your shoes, I would not see him to suss out whether we had a future, but to get answers to questions with a view to healing my hurt and moving on.

I think you confuse loving him, with wanting to understand. You feel hurt, and that is natural. You should focus on healing the hurt, rather than staying with a man who can act so cruelly and blame it on illness.

What will he do if he cant cope with being a new dad? If he loses his job? If he cant cope with you giving a newborn more attention than him?

I would not risk it.

"He apologised afterwards, but then forbade me from bringing it up.

When we finally split he often said that he was right and that I was the cause.

He ultimately turned out to be very different from the man I married."

There you go. There you have your reason to run for the hills. This is who he is. He just has realized he was onto a good thing with you.

yes, forbidding you from bringing it up does not bode well at all!

That wasn't me though. That was another posters H

That was me :)

If he does any of those things then definitely run for the hills!

This is so sad.

Look, depression or not, he treated you appallingly and the relationship you had, the love that you still 'feel' and mourn for - was utterly destroyed by what happened. Whether that can be said to be his 'fault' or partly/wholly excused by his illness does not actually matter now. In answer to your dilemma about meeting him, I would say that the only honest, sensible reaction to it all is to not even entertain the notion that any relationship could be rekindled after being mangled so completely. I would consider communication with him solely under the subject of closure, and whether you think it would be helpful to you to hear him out, to hear his side of things after so long. I think it would. I wouldn't plan to meet him just now, I would simply ask him to write to you, perhaps in response to a letter/email where you ask specific questions. Yes, it's all about you. That's what came out of what happened, isn't it? - you are separate now. You look after yourself, because you've learned the hard way that that's what you have to do.

Personally I think that your feelings - about him, the marriage, and your new man - all scream of a person who is still emotionally reeling from what happened to you. You say you still love him - I think what you mean is that you are still in shock and grieving for the relationship you had, or thought you had, with your husband. You say you don't fell the same way about your new man - well, of course not! You've been changed forever, I would think - you'll never have that carefree, loving, secure feeling again - or at least not for a very long time. When you say you lay your head on his chest and wish it were your husband's - do you know what, you don't. You wish it were back then. When your husband was a man you loved and were secure with, before you went through all this and didn't have this pain inside you that you're still trying to accommodate and understand. When life was simpler and love could be relied upon.

What you can't do is go backwards. Can you imagine a time, maybe several years down the line, rekindling, ending up with your head on his chest again? Do you think you'd feel the same way you once did? No. You wouldn't. At best, you might be able to love him while making sure you kept your heart away from him. That can't work. I tell you, it would end up feeling a hell of a lot worse than it does now with your new man. And children? Just no.

When he got ill, he rejected you. He didn't reject everyone - he went back to his parents. He rejected the marriage, his adult commitments, what you had, but he went back to other 'close' people. It might be easier if he'd taken off, hit the road, disappeared, but he didn't. He just rejected you.

I have no idea whether your feelings for your new man are second best. They might be, but it's equally if not more likely that this is right now the way you would be with any new relationship - wary, unwilling to love in the way you once did. I would be astonished if you were mentally able to 'fall in love' with anyone for a long time after what happened to you. So - perhaps you should finish it, perhaps you should give it longer - but one thing you should realise is that in 'comparing' it to your feelings for your H what you are actually doing is comparing how you felt about love before your betrayal, and after it. A world of difference, and more likely to be about you than about your new man. For your own good, please take your feelings for your H off their pedestal. It's highly unlikely that he was 'the only one' - rather, it's that when you fell in love with him you could have faith in it, relax in it, without fear lurking in the background. He's destroyed that for now. Recognise it, it's dangerous not to with him sniffing back round.

I think you need more time. Don't lose the ground you've gained by letting your ex in. It's not about you and him anymore, it's about you. You only.

castle your post has tears streaming down my face. what you say about the carefree and loving ans secure me being gone and wishing I could go back in time is so true

Castle, what a brilliant post.

I'm worried about saying too much since I'm biased and my relationship ended.

But that bit about him destroying your trust, op, that's spot on. You don't feel the same way now because right now you can't. He hurt you and took away your security.

You CAN'T go back.

But you can go forward - and you are. The one thing that will continue to come out of this is your own strength as a person, that amazing mental muscle you have developed.

No-one will ever be able to do this to you again. You have survived the worst.

The new is different, and bittersweet - but do you know what, it can and probably will be better. It can't be right now because you are still healing, but you won't always be. Just keep going forward and I believe that things will end up falling into place - whether you find yourself finally 'letting go' of your marriage and turning fully towards your new man, or whether you come to truly know that he isn't the one for you - either is possible. I think you just need TIME.

yes ,i would
lifes too short.

Thank you Chris. I am lucky, I've never had to deal with such a terrible betrayal - to you all

Castle, I really think your post has just hit the nail on the head. I do wish I could go back and rediscover myself before I was destroyed by this and carefree and able to trust and relax and I feel inside me this immense wall of separation from other people that he created.

What you say I also right, it would have been more understandable for me if he had rejected everyone - but it was just me.

If he did it because he was ill, it actually DOESN'T matter, although it is tragic for both of us to have been through this and I am sure we will both always regret that our happy marriage was torn apart by him when he was mentally unwell it doesn't change reality that it was.

I WOULD only ever really be able to love him with my heart at a distance. I genuinely can't ever imagine feeling that safety where I used to feel like he would never leave me, never hurt me, never let me down. I did used to believe that, and you're right, when I lay on his chest that peace I once felt might well be what I miss.

It's so funny that this is what happened in the end, life is really shit sometimes.

paisley perhaps defer the weekend until you decided if you can forgive him? Until you can accept, as always says that the behaviour was not the real him so he was not intentionally being horrid to you....

On a much smaller scale I have been trough this... Together for five years, DH got depressed. Didn't recognise it as depression and blamed me for his loss of sex drive and misery due to me having put on weight and not offering him all the excitement in life he thought he should have. He was hurtful, cutting and cruel and it nearly destroyed me.
It lasted about six months and we properly separated for about two weeks. I was I bits but eventually told him to get to fuck and that I was the best thing he'd ever have. I had a couple of nights out and came back happy and I think it clicked with him that it wasn't my fault he felt the way he did.
We had counselling (together) and moved on. Now eight years on and happily married. I do still worry if he's a little moody for whatever reason that it will happen again but we're stronger for what we went through.
I've lost a couple of who I considered to be very good friends because they just can't forgive him for how he treated me but he is a good man and depression does horrible things to a person.

Paisley, it sounds like you have your answer, and I think it's the right one

Your marriage ended and it doesn't matter who was to blame, but that doesn't mean it can be mended. You can move on and be happy (I am, I've remarried and the whole relationship is so much better than my first marriage).

I agree with castle,ilk

If you are in your late thirties now and you were married for 6 years until 2 years ago then you were presumably in your 20s when you got together with your husband? And young and free. Dating was exciting as you were at that point where you knew you were ready to settle down but you still had plenty of time so didn't need to rush to settle down if you weren't sure.

Dating in your late 30s when you want kids must be very different even at the best of times. Both of you are constantly aware of a ticking clock and a need to decide, quickly, one way or another about each other. It just isn't as much fun.

And then add on the difference in you. You are undoubtedly tired and battle worn and scarred from everything you have been through. You know so much more than that girl who first went out with your husband but that knowledge has been really painfully won.

What you really want is to go back to being the old you. And the old you was married to your husband. But you can't.

FWIW I have been with my dh since I was 19. We married at 20 and are now mid thirties with two young children. There are times when we are together, dealing with endless sleep deprivation (ds is 17 months and has not yet slept through) and the endless bodily fluids involved in young children, negotiating with a 4 year old who appears to be a trade unionist in the making, coping with the constant clock watching at work to make sure we leave in time for nursery and school pick ups whilst still trying to cling onto our once rather good careers, trying to figure out why - when all my baby weight has been gone for over a year - I still have a definite "mummy tummy", trying to figure out why, when dh didn't even carry the babies, he still has his "baby weight", having gone out as a couple exactly,once in the 17 months of Ds's life, trying to remember when we last had sex and having realised it was ages trying to decide if I have the energy - desire to do anything in bed but sleep being long gone... That I remember the two kids that we were who fell ridiculously in love and sodded everyone's opinion and just got married and I long to be that girl again with that lad. Except that I am! And yet I will never be!

Sorry huge irrelevant (but very therapeutic) essay then.

I would move on with your new partner and see how that works out. Don't sacrifice your chance of a family and security.

I would urge caution. If he wants to come and we you and talk for a weekend do not let him use your home. Book him a B and B or a hotel. Meet first on neutral ground. See how it is working out. Keep the places neutral.
A weekend suggests two days. Two lunches, one dinne. Lots of time to talk but neither of you trapped together in the same place.
Good luck. My inclination is to let him talk and if you want to let him woo you back over a few months.

Don't meet with him if you have made that decision.

It's not going to make it easier for you if you still in any way love him. and it isn't fair on him

It isn't fair on him?

I suppose I will briefly put the opposite perspective

Cinnabar - I've never referred to my own depression.

I have watched other people i care about suffer, and omg the people around suffer too. But in most cases no where near as much as the person who is depressed.

But I have maintained very strong valued relationships out the other side. In all cases there is no guarantee that the same problems won't occur, and I will absolute walk out and avoid when I need to. I find this fact alone means people who value me being in their life, treat me better. I will be there to offer what help I can without being pulled under myself. My needs first.

I can do this because whatever anger I feel about what a person has done, is in no way equal to the enjoyment and benefit I have from there being a part of my life. If that wasn't the case the case they won't be in my life.

Nope not if he wants her back. It's not fair.

I know a lot of the people here with experience of depression and breakdowns might view me as unforgiving, but here's what I can see looking back.

We were as close as two people can be, talked about everything. I can't remember any occasion of him telling me something and me not being 100% supportive.

He must have been feeling bad for months, feeling this "loss of love" or happiness gradually and he chose not to talk to me about it over the time period that happened.

He then must have found himself feeling so bad that he was willing to abdicate his entire life and he still didn't talk to me.

He didn't try and live with me with his depression, or try seeing a doctor, or try talking to a counsellor, or speak to his friends or family. His very first reaction was to tell me he didn't love me and leave the same day.

He then was clearly in an absolutely awful state for a few months and I absolutely accept over that period he was probably completely unfit to talk to me or to anyone BUT he did go into counselling and he DID start anti-depressants and that stabilise him to a degree where he could have, if he'd chosen to AT LEAST...

Agreed to have me in one ONE counselling session so at the bare minimum I could have the mercy of understanding what the fuck was going on. Or found the mental strength to maintain at least minimal contact on a friendly basis with e to the degree he was able to maintain that with others.

What he did was, even when in treatment, continue to state he didn't love me and total separation was best for both of us.

I don't recall being given a single choice or single chance or even ONE conversation before it was fait accompli to actually do anything to maintain my home and life with my husband. He had ALL the choices.

I don't believe that not once over two years did he have a moment of "umm...maybe I was a total dick to my wife". I just don't believe that. Yes, in the first few months but not after the treatment had been going for six months. I just don't get that.

I've been crying all day, not gotten out of bed and I am so angry that he still has the power to make me feel this way. I don't believe in a court of law anyone would accept he had no option. I think he did.

I look back to all the stuff he said to me that he now doesn't remember and you know, maybe I can get over all that part as the rantings of someone talking crap. I remember, for example, the very first time he told me why he had left me he had blamed it on the burdens of care of one of my sick family members and very sneeringly told me he didn't want the responsibility. Do I believe he meant those things? No. I think that's why I can forgive him.

What I don't accept was why he could not accept, even in the peripheral of his mind, some sort of value of me as a human being, and as a loyal and loving wife for TWO YEARS.

I don't want to see him. If I see him I will feel sorry for him, and yes, I once had an amazing husband who I absolutely loved to death and would have stuck by through thick and thin but I don't think the same was true of him.

I want someone to tell me depression could have "made" him do this, but I struggle with honestly believing that to be true.

Call me cynical here, and it's hard for me to even express this thought, but I wonder if I am suddenly a more attrative prospect now we are out of debt, and now I have a really good job?

I mean, I lost weight, got really fit, started seeing friends again, travelling, super successful career.

Maybe the crying, weeping mess on the floor wasn't quite as attractive?

I know this is anger talking, but why the hell wasn't he with me though the worst times?