Could you take him back after midlife crisis?

[PaisleySheets]

Just what the title says really.

If your otherwise exemplary and lovely husband had a two year hiatus from being a normal human being, where he got depression, was not sure he loved you or ever did and moved out, would you be able to forgive him?

He wasn't having an affair, there's never been anyone else involved. I am not sure why he did what he did. All he will say is that he felt he had to do it.

One minute I feel really sorry for him. We had a terrible debt problem and he'd been my rock for a long time and just couldn't cope. I also feel sorry for him because he made an awful mess of his life, he's had dreadful depression that's crippled him and he's been through a miserable time on his own. I also genuinely believe he loves me and regrets what he did.

One the other hand, during the worst of this "midlife crisis" he treated me like dirt on the street. The first I knew of any problem was an email to say he didn't love me anymore and was never coming home and to move on with my life. I won't bore everyone with all the details of the last two years, but in the first six months he was really about as cruel and unfeeling as a person can be and I got to the point I was calling Samaritans every week.

We had a happy marriage, losing him like that was the worst experience I have ever been through but I fought through it and made a new life for myself 400 miles away and my career took off.

I hoped for so long that he would "get better" and want to come home, but now he does, I don't know what to do. I am just so angry at him!

I know I love him, and before all this happened I couldn't fault him or us and I felt it was everything I'd ever wanted -but everything that's happened since feels so hard to get over.

I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face though, and part of me feels like working things through with him is my best chance at happiness. I've dated a few great men and none of them make me feel that way that my husband did.

Has anyone ever let a wayward spouse come home after a long period apart or after them doing wrong? How did it go? I feel like I just can't go through being hurt again :(

I tried to keep this short by not including too much detail but I can also point out that we don't have children, we are both late thirties and neither of us filed for divorce.

I have shown myself and him I am perfectly capable of living without him, and I enjoy life and have filled it with fun and friends and travel and new hobbies and dates but I admit that without him I feel a constant void deep down.

during the worst of this "midlife crisis" he treated me like dirt on the street. The first I knew of any problem was an email to say he didn't love me anymore and was never coming home and to move on with my life.....he was really about as cruel and unfeeling as a person can be and I got to the point I was calling Samaritans every week.

This is what I can't get past, while reading your posts. The experience of depression always describes rings very true, including the lack of feeling; but her posts describe the sense of being a burden to others. Whereas your H said it was YOUR fault he didn't love you, for example. I don't know, I'm not an expert, but I see an element of blame in with the coldness and rejection. I'm not sure I could get past that.

He also doesn't seem concerned about how much you suffered during his breakdown, or am I mistaken? You've recognised that he wasn't himself, for example, and accepted that he didn't mean what he said - but some recognition by him of what you've had to go through might be important too.

It's your decision wrt what to do next. But I'd suggest caution, because we never know anyone else as well as we think we do.

There might be more to his crisis than he's letting on to anyone. And it may be triggered again in the future. That's a risk you have to consider.

Sorry op I'm pretty sure there would have been someone else

Don't take him back. He was a cunt to you and shit on you from a great height

Find happiness on your own without this waste of space. X

Of course I'd end things with the new boyfriend. He's aware of all I have been through and aware I still love my ex because I was honest about that from the day we met. I suggested we walk our dogs together and it just led on from that. I've tried to be as honest possible with him from the very start. I know he wants more but being honest even without my husband considered I'd still probably end this relationship because it doesn't feel like a right fit to me. I haven't misled the new man about my feelings but I kn ow he is hoping they will change and I don't think they will. I don't think it's fair on him to continue whatever happens :(

Trackyr he wasn't alluding to blaming me, he outright said that it was all my fault for the first few months. When he started treatment he did apologise for that and said he had been talking nonsense but at the time it was really confusing and painful. Yes, that's hard to forgive and no I don't think he has any real idea of what it has felt like for me. For some reason even telling him what it was like for me fills me with dread because sharing that is quite intimate and you need to trust someone to tell them things like that. He really would have to start from scratch for me to even be able to talk about that.

Gary, I know that that's the other side of it and I think that too a lot of the time!

I hope you can sort it out. I am seven months from my DH Walking out there was no one else at the time but rumours now.
I think if you still love him you should give it a go ... Take it slowly, date and see how it goes.
I have two sets of friends who separated - one couple for two years, one for over three - they are both now back together and happier than ever.

I would love for me and DH to get a chance!

Paisley two things.
you said in the beginning that there is no OW and you believe him and now you consider it a possibility.?

You said earlier you might actually love new man but now you are saying you don't think your feelings will ever be that way for him.

In the beginning a few of us said that this has all the signs of him having OW and it still does unfortunately.

Nope.

Mine had a mid-life crisis at 40. He's just turned 50.

Fool me once shame on you.

Fool me twice shame on me.

Not hanging around for line three.

In your position I could. But then I do truly believe depression can be that terrible. I know people who are very careful managing their depression, I know people who use depression as an excuse for what is actually nasty behaviour.

You need to forgive what has happened. If it was depression you need to accept it may happen again. And if you need to be able to spot the signs and work out what you need to stop it getting so bad and more importantly take steps to protect yourself. This needs to be an ongoing conversation with your dh.

It has to be a day to day me first thing. Do I want to see him today? what do I need to make that work, is that realistic.

You need to be able to walk out if he even vaguely becomes disrespectful or be able to ask him to leave. For that reason I would not advise hurrying into living with each other again.

Rebuilding that trust requires time. You also need to think how children fit into your needs. You require care, your DH will require care your relationship will require care. It will be a very long time before it will be in anyway fair to introduce another little life who will need a lot of care into the mix.

Walking away is also a perfectly valid response

Sorry Nillia, I think that he just shat on me from a height is a possibility, there's no OW.

I've been feeling really angry all evening. Like "how dare you waltz back in because YOU feel like reconnecting and talking? What about the year I spent in a heap crying at your feet and begging for just one hour with a counsellor so I could even understand why my husband had left me?"

I know he was really ill but I am just so angry. I wasn't angry when it was happening and I was nothing but nice to him and I had to deal with all this on my own.

I just really want more time, more time for him to spend a year begging ME. That sounds really childish, I know

No. It actually doesn't. It sounds about right to me. I hope you are getting this all off your chest? I for one would love to read a good diatribe if it would help you to write it! Or otherwise privately somehow? Being angry is good it's normal.

Wow. Quite shocked at the number of posts angry at him for being likely to not be there in difficult times... when this sounds like a period he was having a difficult time. Seems weird to expect him to be the rock for you with no slipups but not you to be the rock for him.

Honestly I don't think really you do want him back in your life. Not yet anyway.

For me the desire to spend time with someone has got to outweigh the anger, which really then makes the anger irrelevant. Otherwise what's the point? You'll just end up deliberately hurting each other

Seems weird to expect him to be the rock for you with no slipups but not you to be the rock for him.

But isn't that the point. When he became ill/had a crisis/whatever, he deliberately turned away from his wife, left her, rejected her and didn't want her help - didn't want her to be a rock or anything at all. Now he is better, he wants to go back to their old life but if he gets sick/crisis again, will he reject her again?

This would be the part I would find difficult.

I tried to be a rock for him during hard times sparkle but his response to his hard time wasn't to ask for help or support from me, it was to move out and tell me he didn't love me anymore and our marriage was over. Not for five minutes, for two years.

You're right coffee, not yet. I want more than just a few phonecalls before I give him anytime. I know he was depressed but he made choices that caused me enormous pain and there has to be some sort of responsibility for that surely.

Something2say I kept a diary that first year that is 190 pages long.

It's still the wrong approach. Making him to beg to get you back is just about making him hurt as much as he hurt you. Tit for tat.

If you genuinely believe he was depressed, it wasn't a mid life crisis. It wasn't deliberate. Pushing you away was just a part of his being ill.

You need to start afresh. let go of what happened. If you can't do that you need to be fair and stay non contact

If I'd wanted to hurt him I could have done a lot of things a long time ago. I'd never want to hurt him. I just want him to face real consequences for the choices he made. I also want him to do the work. Honestly I can't see there ever being any healthy balance if he didn't?

OP I feel for you - this must have generated a mass of confusing emotions and there are no easy answers.

My perspective comes from being married to a man who is going through something similar. He hasn't left but has walked out and stayed away for nights, days etc and has repeatedly told me it is all my fault - and, very rarely, that it is not my fault at all. Like you I feel my judgement has gone awry, my confidence and self esteem have been decimated.

Unlike you, I have children with him and at times he has also been vile to our eldest daughter. I feel sorry for him but I absolutely will not let him mess with our daughters' confidence. But they would be devastated if (?when) we separate - it is all a hideous mess. I am partly waiting for him to 'come to his senses' but it seems unlikely because he has now stopped counselling with me ('too much about him' - I wonder why?!) and is unable to take responsibility for his own happiness. I feel guilt because he is clearly struggling but also anger because he is wrecking what could be a great life for us all. I am in a impossible position, financially dependent on him with self esteem badly knocked.

So….I would just say, think hard and long before you have him back. Severe depression is hideous for all and I feel for him. But having children adds to the stresses and strains of life (as well as being fantastic of course), and decisions are so much more complicated afterwards.

Good luck with whatever you decide (and get some counselling for yourself at least, I would say. It is really helping me).

I absolutely agree with your last post of 20:08.

And it's perfectly OK to decide that too much water has past under that bridge for you ever to be able to resume your marriage. Perhaps it wasn't his fault as such, but it damn well wasn't yours either.

I think it's fine, and actually pretty normal to feel that too much water has gone under the bridge to want to start again. I also think that you would need to let go of your anger against him. It's natural to feel that he should have treated you better but at the same time, if you accept he had severe depression it's unfair. Depression is a really horrible, all engulfing illness and ime people with it don't turn to others for help but turn inward instead. I can see why you don't feel it but you were actually pretty lucky he did leave to have his breakdown as the day to day reality of it is terrifying, frustrating and traumatic by turns.

Facing consequences isn't about making someone face the same sense of rejection that you did. Whether you like it or not, essentially what you are doing is trying to inflict pain. It is a noxious emotional trap to fall into

Yes talk about your pain to him. Allow him to accept responsibility and apologise. But accept that apology. If you can't do that it's healthier for both of you to move on.

Sorry I don't think my post was at all clear. I think it's fine (and actually healthy) for you to be angry at the effect his depression had on you, and to be open with him about that. I just don't think it is right or fair to blame him and, if you do, maybe a third party would be a better person to talk that through with.

his response to his hard time wasn't to ask for help or support from me, it was to move out and tell me he didn't love me anymore and our marriage was over

This is key to me.

When the going got tough he mistreated you. Label the reasons any way you like but that's what happened.

He is prone to depression. People with depression usually have many episodes in their life. When your DH was depressed he rejected you cruelly.

There is also the elephant in the room: how did you and he get into £50k debt?

To me that's a red flag of a couple with their heads in the sand, not communicating properly about difficult topics, not able to support each other to make hard choices. Sounds like he let it eat him up inside until he was severely ill instead of seeking help from those around him.

We had a good marriage, and I have had two years to really evaluate that from an objective standpoint. I think probably in the six years we were married a day didn't go by where I didn't feel cherished by him.
If he was lying about his true feelings to the extent that he ended up severely depressed and walked out unexpectedly then that good marriage was a pretence. A lie.

Life gets a lot more stressful with DC. I doubt having DC would help his depression, or your tolerance for it.

Do you feel guilty for not allowing him back? Maybe feel a sense of duty to give him a second chance because it was the depression talking not him talking and now he is better?

Two years? No way I'd take him back. I'd feel sorry for him. I would genuinely wish him every happiness for the future. That future would not involve me though.

I wouldn't want him to face the same rejection I did and even if I did to achieve that we'd have to travel back in time and have him stand in my shoes and wake up one morning to find his beloved wife gone. His rejection of me back then was not at all understandable. To reject him now would be perfectly understandable and he'd never have to live through the complete shock and agony I felt.

I love this man, I've no wish to make him unhappy or to make him suffer but on the other hand I don't want to suffer myself at his hand ever again.

He spent two years convincing me he didn't love me anymore, didn't want me, didn't care what I felt or what I wanted and didn't even want to be friends with me, much less married.

It's not a light switch where he apologises and the slate is clean. He has a long road to travel to get me to believe he does love me, does want me, does care how I feel.

What I want is for him to show work hard to earn a place back in my life. I will never know how much of this was down to illness, and I appreciate the posts which give me a view of how serious his illness or breakdown might have affected his thinking but at the same time that wasn't my fault ad the choice to stand by him was taken out of my hands.

You are in your thirties. You want DC.

Do you really have time to let him work hard to earn a place back in my life

Imagine this scenario:

You take it slow, three years pass, things are OK but not the same as before, deep down you feel insecure. The problem is you've lost three years. You find yourself thinking that if you want DC then you'll have to have them with him. He's probably OK. Nothing super bad has happened in the last 3 years. You couldn't just dump him anyway, you don't have a killer reason, just vague unhappiness, and he might get severely depressed again. You'll find yourself getting pregnant and hoping, hoping it will be OK. How long before it is you that knows about depression.

the choice to stand by him was taken out of my hands.
This.

I love this man, I've no wish to make him unhappy or to make him suffer but on the other hand I don't want to suffer myself at his hand ever again.

Do you really want him back in your life?

Or do you want the old life back, the one where you thought he cherished you every day?

I never said it was an easy or short road.

It might not be understandable then. but if you genuinely feel he was ill, In retrospect it is totally understandable.

It is down to the individual whether it is forgivable.

I'm really sorry but genuinely I can't see you can make it work. In you're heart of hearts I don't think you don't believe his treatment of you wasn't in some way his choice.

You can't be with someone who you believe genuinely caused you pain out of choice because you can't possibly respect them.

Walking away is a totally valid option