Could you take him back after midlife crisis?

[PaisleySheets]

Just what the title says really.

If your otherwise exemplary and lovely husband had a two year hiatus from being a normal human being, where he got depression, was not sure he loved you or ever did and moved out, would you be able to forgive him?

He wasn't having an affair, there's never been anyone else involved. I am not sure why he did what he did. All he will say is that he felt he had to do it.

One minute I feel really sorry for him. We had a terrible debt problem and he'd been my rock for a long time and just couldn't cope. I also feel sorry for him because he made an awful mess of his life, he's had dreadful depression that's crippled him and he's been through a miserable time on his own. I also genuinely believe he loves me and regrets what he did.

One the other hand, during the worst of this "midlife crisis" he treated me like dirt on the street. The first I knew of any problem was an email to say he didn't love me anymore and was never coming home and to move on with my life. I won't bore everyone with all the details of the last two years, but in the first six months he was really about as cruel and unfeeling as a person can be and I got to the point I was calling Samaritans every week.

We had a happy marriage, losing him like that was the worst experience I have ever been through but I fought through it and made a new life for myself 400 miles away and my career took off.

I hoped for so long that he would "get better" and want to come home, but now he does, I don't know what to do. I am just so angry at him!

I know I love him, and before all this happened I couldn't fault him or us and I felt it was everything I'd ever wanted -but everything that's happened since feels so hard to get over.

I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face though, and part of me feels like working things through with him is my best chance at happiness. I've dated a few great men and none of them make me feel that way that my husband did.

Has anyone ever let a wayward spouse come home after a long period apart or after them doing wrong? How did it go? I feel like I just can't go through being hurt again :(

I tried to keep this short by not including too much detail but I can also point out that we don't have children, we are both late thirties and neither of us filed for divorce.

I have shown myself and him I am perfectly capable of living without him, and I enjoy life and have filled it with fun and friends and travel and new hobbies and dates but I admit that without him I feel a constant void deep down.

I keep cross posting.

We got into £50k for a few reasons that I could spend a page typing but suffice to say it wasn't overspending, it was a series of very bad luck and once we were in it it was a catch 22 because we could no longer meet our monthly bills.

Yes, it affected him enormously and no, he didn't talk to me about it other than to say he thought it would be fine and he wouldn't discuss getting debt advice. He just refused to talk about it and we were both very stressed. In a sense us splitting enabled him to cut all his outgoings and it enabled me to get into much better paid work so it was a release out of responsibility and a way out.

I had actually suggested me moving for work a few months before all this and us living apart so we could claw out way out of it and he'd said he couldn't live without me there every day, so I don't think finances was the reason for this.

No though, if I didn't take him back I'd not feel at all guilty because I know I tried everything possible to reach a diferrent outcome to the point of masochism back then. Eventually I gave up, but it was after a lot of effort to keep us together.

If I didn't want to try and make this work I'd not have posted here, and if I seem angry I am sorry I think it's because he was ill all through this and that anger had nowhere to go. I never say these angry things to his face. It was hard to do that after he'd told me he'd considered suicide and it was hard when he was better too in case it made him worse.

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver - honestly I don't know the answer to your last question. I don't even know what a new relationship would look like. Obviously it'd not be the same as the marriage I once had. What you said about kids is right, but then I suppose that's true of any relationship I started now. I have had it in my head a while that if I miss the boat to have kids I might adopt. As long as I have a family I think that will fulfil my dream of a family of my own.

Coffee - Yes, I do believe it was at least partially his choice. I understand maybe the first few months when he was a complete mess, but I also can't quite grasp why he could not just sit and literally explain to me what was happening. It's not that I can't understand why he thought he didn't love me or why he wanted to push me away, but what I struggle with was him acting on that instead of telling me how he felt in the first instance. As he got better, I do find it really hard to believe or understand how someone can go to work, go to play rugby and lead a generally normal life (okay still depressed by not so bad he was in an asylum) and nowhere in that time did he feel like he could have sat me down and talked about what was happening.

I think he loved me yes, I think he still does but what I am not sure of is whether he was committed to the marriage to the level I was. I think the only way for me to get those answers is to talk to him so maybe I will try and do that. Maybe with a third party present.

And that's exactly what you should do.

You absolutely must tell him about the angry feelings. It's ok to feel angry.

But you can't give him the support you will need to give him to make it work if you can't then let those angry feelings go

I was really scared, and still am, that something I say or do makes him feel bad and causes him to have a relapse. I'm a bit scared that if he actually sees or realises how much pain I was in that it might overwhelm him with guilt. I'm scared of all the things he maybe didn't like about me that made him want to leave me that he never explained? I mean surely there must have been some reason beyond being depressed? I'm so paranoid and have been for so long that maybe I was doing something wrong that cause this to happen. I'm scared that maybe he didn't love me as much as I loved him.

I can understand that's probably all natural, and I will talk to him about it in time. I think I need time to adjust. It's like someone being back from the dead.

Back then I'd have given my right arm for him to ask to come and talk...

" I also can't quite grasp why he could not just sit and literally explain to me what was happening. "

If you're depressed that's exactly what you can't do. You're so worthless you're not worth listening to and you're so worthless anyone who does listen isn't worth talking to in the first place. You're not worthwhile helping

I suppose it would be interesting to hear his explanation.

Can't you start that process over Skype though?

A whole weekend at your place seems weird tbh.

Not always the case, coffee. That's your brand of depression, and possibly also his, but it wasn't that way for me, even when I was suicidal. My thoughts were all about how to protect my family from the harm of my actions.

I've had a little bit of answers already, but I take them away and admit I don't fully understand.

"why couldn't you just talk to me?"
I couldn't even understand myself and I was scared of the way I felt

"why did you not care about me or what was happening to me?"
I didn't even care about myself

"why did you end it completely instead of just seeing me once a week and keeping the door open so there was some hope at least?"
I didn't even understand what hope was, I was hopeless in myself.

"why were you so angry with me?"
I don't know. It wasn't you, I was just so angry inside.

"Was there something wrong with our marriage?"
No, there was something wrong with me.

"why didn't you let me look after you?"
I could see how much I was hurting you and I thought it would be easier for both of us to have no contact, it wasn't fair on you.

Etc.

He is trying to explain, but he seems a bit mystified himself. I do need to understand better what he went through too.

I do think to be honest that I want all these answers regardless of the outcome for my own peace of mind. Without answers I spent so long just thinking the worst.

I was angry, and scared, and unable to care about myself. But I was never angry at, scared for, or uncaring about DH or my DSs.

The depression is not your fault, it is not your responsibility. If he does the worst it will not be because of you it is because he is ill. In the words of titanic "it's not up you to save me Jack".

All you can do is help. Help done right is about saying. "Here I am, I here for you, we can walk this road together because I believe you are worthwhile helping". It's about throwing out that life raft (sometimes repeatedly) and waiting for the other person to grab it.

The hard bit is waiting when you don't know whether they will grab that help or not; watching them sink, putting your own feelings to one side in order to help the other person through any immediate crisis (seriously can't do this angry) making sure your needs are ultimately met.

None of this can you do effectively if you are still angry

You might compare him to a narcissist - neither the selfish depressive nor the narcissist can help how they are - but it's not your duty to take their shite either.

And it sounds as though OP did throw out the life raft, again and again and again.

"he actually sees or realises how much pain I was in"

He must do this. This is about valuing your feelings emotions and needs. He may not be able to do this in the midst of a depression (hence me saying about you needing to put your feelings to one side) but between both of you, you must also have your own needs met

OP, sorry to say this but is there any chance he's heard about your new relationship and that's what has triggered this wanting to talk and try again? Suspicious timing really.

Also, I agree with Coffee re state of mind. Cinnabar I cared very much about my family and DP, but truly believed the best thing for them, that would hurt them the least, was if I didn't exist.

Never advocate anyone taking the shit.

And yes there is nothing wrong with saying I've done enough, this isn't the road for me.

Yes, so did I. I had my death all planned out. But I never, not once, was cruel to them. Not in the way the OP describes.

Sorry, that was in response to Hotdog.

To be honest if he'd just left and was ill I would have waited for him for however long it took and not lost hope. It was the cruelty that broke me down because there's only so much you can actually take.

Not that he called me names or screamed at me, but he was just so cold and without any compassion or emotion and he acted like our marriage (and me) meant nothing to him.

And Cinnabar your description of depression is depression as I believed it to be. I know it makes you stop loving yourself, makes you feel hopeless and tired and all that but I wasn't aware it could make you react this way. I am accepting that I have heard from a few people it can manifest that way but it's not what I's always understood.

Does it matter why he behaved that way? Does it matter if some depressed people behave that way but others don't? Does it matter whether he was mad, bad or a bit of both?

He did it. There is no reason to believe he won't do it again.

I still think a whole weekend with him is far from necessary.

Maybe make a list of questions you want answers to?

He did what he needed to do to remove you. Because "I thought it would be easier for both of us to have no contact"

It wouldn't have mattered what your deal breaker was he would have gone for it to get rid of you.

I do wonder if there is a male female split on the way depression manifests itself

It matters a lot to me to be honest. If he had an illness which triggered that behavior then it's different to him consciously choosing it or feeling it. I agree on the weekend, there's just no way I can cope with that. I think I might do as you suggest and write out the questions.

Don't get back with him. Depression or not, he was extremely cruel towards you and you suffered a great deal of hurt.

You are now with a decent, kind man who wants marriage and children with you. Why on earth would you want to spend time with someone who could threaten your current happy relationship and who treated you terribly?

Tell your ex that you have moved on, you wish him well, are glad he is better but don't want to see him.

Sorry if I missed it, I know you want to have children, but does he?

Does it matter whether he was mad, bad or a bit of both?

To me yes, having seen all three. The bad are beyond help and the mad need help and a bit of both can be helped but not much.

But I do accept I'm probably a little odd in my approach and not everyone sees that distinction