MIL problems..

[Happymum1985]

Thought id post here as really feel at a loss about what to do.. Sorry for the essay, its been going round and round in my head.

My DH is an only child and has always had a close relationship with his mum. She has had a troubled life and because of this, has quite a few issues. Up until DS was born last year, I found her hard work and quite demanding, but we managed to get along fine and I always made effort to see her and have contact with her because having a relationship with her was important to me.

Looking back there were signs she possibly didnt like me, because her reaction when DH told her about our engagement and pregnancy were very odd (she said she was busy and would call back later and hung up the phone). There was the odd thing like her wanting to go on holiday (on her own) with DH for two weeks (two years in a row) and expecting him to go down and stay with her a week before DS was born to 'dig holes in her garden' ?! But again, I tried to be tolerant of all this. She is on her own and doesnt have friends so I understood she was lonely.

Once DS had been born it started to go downhill fast. She came to stay with us the day I got out of hospital even though I had specifically said no visitors. When I got back and she showed up, I didnt have the energy/ didnt want to cause a scene so bit my tongue. She then proceeded to stay for 4 nights and didnt lift a finger to help, wanted to hold DS all the time when I was still in the stage when I felt like I wanted to bond with him and hold him all the time. There was a time il never forget when my DH had popped out and she said she was hungry and me- the mug- was trying to bend down to get plates etc and prepare lunch for her 5 days after a c-section whilst she held DS. Every time she came to stay subsequently she was the same- expecting hotel service and not understanding things had changed.

The last time I saw her was 4 months ago when she came to stay and everything exploded. In a nutshell, she had worked herself up into a rage- we didnt realise- because she wanted time alone with my DH and apparently she had told me this in the morning and we had agreed she could have this time alone with him (i do also find this slightly rude!) -I had totally forgot about this so rather than saying anything she had got really angry. Anyway, i was cooking and passed DS to DH. As I did so, she snatched DS out of my arms and stormed past me saying DS needed to sleep and DH was exhausted. I was fuming, DS started crying and DH sat there like a shell shock victim not knowing what to do. I stormed up after her and retrieved DS (I dont know what came over me but i was shaking in rage). She then stayed upstairs for about half an hour and DH took her out for a walk. On this walk she slagged me off and basically told him she wouldnt be coming to stay again as she found me stressful to be around, that I was a bad mother, a nasty person etc and tried to stir problems between my DH and I by saying I didnt seem to want to spend time with him..

Since she left we have had zero contact. My DH told her that she owed me an apology. She refused to apologise which infuriated me more, and made no contact. It is my DS birthday in a couple of weeks and she said she wanted to come up to see him on his birthday. We have told her we are having a family day but that she can visit around the time of his birthday. She then asked if she could stay at our house (she has no shame!!). My DH said he would speak to me.

When he got back to her and said no, and pointed out to her that she had previously said she couldnt bear to stay with us and would stay in a hotel for her next visit, she announced that she had already booked her train ticket. She then said she didnt have enough money to stay in hotel (rubbish) and said she would meet me for a coffee before staying at our house to 'sort things out' My DH pointed out that she was being a little naive by thinking all could be forgotten after a quick coffee...she also upset my DH by saying its hurting her that he is 'choosing me over her'. He told me last night that it feels unnatural to tell his mum she cant stay.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I doing the right thing? I have stuck to my guns and said she is welcome to come and see DS around his birthday and that I will meet up with her to talk but that she is not welcome to stay. I don't trust her and feel like she is someone that enjoys drama and creating problems and her demands on my DH's time are not conducive to a normal functional relationship. I don't hate anyone, but I think I might hate her.. I just have so much anger and resentment there that I don't know if I can get rid of... I know things cant go on like this but I cant bear her and dont know how to move forward...

He also said that he DOES stick up for me and defend me but that I am not there to see it

And yet, insisted on not being there at the meeting. The reason that you are not there to see it is because he doesnt do it in front of you. So how could you see it?

"He also said that he DOES stick up for me and defend me but that I am not there to see it"

He is truly a weak and selfish man who just wants you all to get along so that he does not have to do anything. You're basically bearing the brunt of all this.

He is also so immersed in FOG that he cannot even see that he does not defend you from his mad as a box of frogs mother.

Her visits to your house without you there need to stop as of now.
Your son certainly should not be at all exposed now to his nan's mad excesses of behaviour. She will start on him soon enough and right in front of her son's eyes too. He cannot or will not be able to stop his mother.

agreed, those visits need to stop.

She needs to bloody well apologise. And then to keep visits short.

and absolutely agreed that she should not be left alone with your son. I'm sorry.

I'm not at all saying LTB. But do you think that you and your husband will be able to survive this? (It is so very, very disappointing when you realise you are second place to the mother in a marriage. There's a very long journey back from that to a relationship of genuine equals).

So he admits that she isn't "normal".

So how can you see it from her point of view?

If he wants to make allowances, fine, but he can't expect anyone else to.

She makes life difficult, so he gives in.

Would he give in if you made his life difficult??

I have read this thread with interest. I was quite upset on your behalf, especially the comments made by your husband! Obviously, your MIL has planted a few seeds....for him to question your compatibility.... You also mentioned that your MIL had a difficult start in life, she may have attachment difficulties (as well as being a narc) and people that do, tend to like to manipulate and control others.

I'm unsure really what to suggest to help. However, as someone as pointed out are you happy to take second place to his mother? I know I wouldn't.

He may be saying he defends you.

His actions show nothing of the kind.

Asking her to your house all day without you there in the circumstances was frankly shitty.

Why does it have to be that the DH has to put any woman first.

Two different women in his life. His mother who has had a troubled life. Drug taking mother leaving her when she was young, father dying as a teenager and being left to fend for herself. Then becoming an alcoholic. I'm sure there is more too. The DH is her only child. She feels that the OP is aggressive towards her, she doesn't want to lose her relationship with her son and feels threatened.

The OP has said that she does feel anger towards her mil so I'm guessing it's been picked up.

To me this is two women battling for one mans affection/attention.

I think understanding why the mil acts the way she does ( and I can't blame her for being so attached to her son after what's happened in her life ) would go part way to addressing the problem.

From reading this thread I do think the OP isn't without blame if I'm honest. I think her frustration and hostility will show to her mil and added to the Mils fragile state of mind this does no help at all.

And then there's the DH. Who I feel for. This is his mother that he's seen go through so much. He is going to feel allegiance to her no matter what. He's being put in a no win situation.

Understanding only takes you so far. When someone starts to take over your role action is needed. It can be action taken with tolerance and love - putting boundaries in place, ensuring she gets her space and time to be with her son and grandson, trying to let past actions go.

But you don't bloody well stand around saying "i wish you got on with my mother" when that mother takes your son out of your unwilling wife's arms. Or expect to go on holiday for two weeks alone with your mother each year when your wife is unhappy with it.

Seems to me that the OP has quite a bit of understanding but her toes have been stood on so hard that she's reached her limits, a lot later on than some people would have.

Middletonpink you are entitled to your opinion and its good to hear another side to try and see things from her perspective a little more. I think you have me wrong though. I have never ever wanted to battle with her for my DH's affection. I am from a family when my mum had an incredible relationship with her MIL- closer than her own mother- and I always wanted that too. I got to know MIL and made massive effort with her. I really genuinely have tried so hard, but over time have begun to find it impossible to deal with her because of her unrealistic demands, odd behaviour and inability to see anything outside of herself. I wouldnt have time to list everything she has done over the years but you have to trust me that this hasnt all come from nowhere. You are right I am not perfect- I have anger and resentment, and these are not things I want to carry around- things I am now battling to work out how to deal with, and not feelings I have ever experienced before in this way.

The last couple of nights (at DH's instigation) he has slept in the spare room- which is the last thing I want. This morning he came into my room with presents that MIL had bought for DS. He said, 'we forgot to open these yesterday' so I said we should open them. Anyway, you can't make it up, three tops saying 'i heart my daddy' 'my daddy rocks' and 'I love Daddy' I had to laugh but at the same time, when DH then said totally deadpan 'Oh these are nice arent they!' I just wanted to cry with frustration. Why can he not see that that is nasty and just plain ridiculous?! I'm not a fan of those sort of kids clothes anyway, but seriously??!!

Meerka I don't know and I am worried. Things definitely arent good at the moment. If I try and say anything about how I feel he makes me feel like I am selfish and not thinking of him.

Angelwings no of course I am not-and I dont think I am 'second place' as such- infact I would hope there are no places- its different catagories?? But I guess I do want to know, honestly, that my principles and making me happy, as his wife, are ultimately more important.

Springydaffs thats my point exactly. Its not conducive to family life for her to require all this alone time with him (and get angry if enough of this doesnt happen, but then not say anything and wonder why i am shocked when she explodes). I am a reasonable person and I understand that sometimes it is nice to spend time alone with your son, I have ALWAYS been considerate of this, but its like her demands go above and beyond what is reasonable.

nicenewdusters and electricblanket thankyou xxx

Sure, she's had a tough life, so OP must know be walked all over by her just like her husband??

Perhaps you do need to think a bit.

You might have got a bit lost in the fog of "I'm always right/MIL always wrong".

Done that myself

"If I try and say anything about how I feel he makes me feel like I am selfish and not thinking of him."

Quite like his mum, then?

You can both feel differently about the same thing & that is how you both feel!

There's not a right & wrong!

To me it sounds as though your husband can't see that at the moment you and him also aren't compatible. Given his mother's history of antagonistic behaviour to you he should have seen the tops as a way of trying to make the children favour their father over their mother and told her this and returned them to her. A peace offering from her would have been tops with "mummy's girl" on them. (Although all these tops trying to force opinions on kids are horrible and manipulative).
Your relationship is struggling here and he isn't trying to help.

and she came over to the house (grrrr) to spend day with DH and DS

she has NOT apologised and yet DH welcomes her into your house again....

she has got exactly what she wanted.

(I have a good relationship with my MIL- and you know what - she NEVER expects "alone time" with DH - we come as a family unit now)

If I were you OP I would just back off from this battle for a while because it is clearly causing a rift between you & your DH & that isn't going to help anyone.

When you criticise her, he defends her, when she criticises you he defends you. Just let it go for a while, if she ramps up the tension then she will leave herself exposed as the unreasonable one.

Banning her from your house when you are not there is a terrible idea. If your DH told you your family couldn't visit unless he was there everyone on here would be shouting LTB.

I think you may be blowing things out of proportion. Those tops really aren't nasty. Grandparents rarely get the tastes of their children right and there is nothing wrong with her celebrating the bond she expects her child to have with his child. If it weren't for the way you feel about her it would seem like a perfectly normal gift.

Not overreacting at all. Remember that, to her, you don't exist. You are, at best, an interloper, a cuckoo in (her) nest. She put the phone down when he told her you were engaged because she was so shocked that he was committing adultery anything could come between her and her beloved.

Wearily predictable that you and he are already splitting off - his intigation to sleep in the spare room. She's won! Or she's winning. It's not looking good tbh. I really don't think backing off for the timebeing is going to make any difference, sorry - when it comes back up again it'll be exactly the same. He is BLIND to her and her machinations.

So what that she had a terrible childhood. Plenty do and don't behave like this. There may be REASONS but there is NO EXCUSE for this.

The OP is not blowing things out of proportion at all; the clothes MIL sent over sent a clear unwritten message saying the Daddy is the Important One whilst seeing OP as the unwanted interloper. Gifts sent by such people like MIL are never without condition or obligation attached to them. What MIL would ultimately want is for her son (and their child) to live with her.

MILs bond with her grandson is not a healthy one because she really wants to play mummy again and mess him up just as she did with her own son. Such people also tend to either over value or under value their grandchildren. The child is further seen as narcissistic supply to the narcissist. MIL never cut the strings and made him dependent on her with the result being that he is a weak and spineless bystander who keeps being played by his narcissistic mother.

She may well have had an abusive childhood, that does not surprise me in the least but it is still no justification or excuse for her actions now.

"He said he overestimated our compatibility and that he genuinely hoped that we couldve met up and sorted things out. "

And I assume that that was also said to his mum.

So, his mum & wife don't get on.

What is he going to do about it?

Boombooms I know in the scale of things the tops arent a big deal, and they dont even bother me that much- it just grates on me her blatant attempts to wipe me out. She has already bought 2 I heart Daddy picture frames and other I heart Daddy memorabilia. I have no issue with her celebrating the love between DS and GS (!) but its just the shameless and blatant exclusion of me from these things. (she has also posted gifts for DS and DH in the post before and never anything for me) Its not that I want the gifts, I just don't like the blatant ignoring me. It feels nasty.

Do you all think I should try and focus on getting myself and DH back on track and just putting her out of my mind completely for the time being? It gets us nowhere talking about it- it almost always ends in an argument. The weird thing is I have anger towards him too over it all, and I'm worried to just bury that- but equally maybe it will fade with time.

I really do want things to be good between us- it makes me so happy when they are. I am working all weekend and he is out on Saturday evening so we will have some space from one another.

I dont want him to have NC with his mum, of course not, he would only end up resenting me. But I think at least for the time being I must have NC. Its like I'm allergic to her now, I literally hate her.

Holdthepage She can visit us whenever she wants but is to stay in a hotel. Yes it does annoy me her coming into my home when im not there- but id rather that than when I AM there. I definitely dont want her to visit the house if I am there and I have made that clear to DH. I won't bemade to feel uncomfortable in my own home. DH can also take DS to visit her whenever they want, but again she must not be left unsupervised with DS at any point.

Diddl I am taking power from asserting myself with things and this is helping me to feel calmer and more like I have an element of control over the situation.

Diddl he has said he has given up and isnt going to do anything about it. I still think he deep down feels that I should let it all go, allow his mum to come and stay as normal, and that I am causing him grief by finally speaking out. He doesnt get that my feelings are now too strong to ignore, and has even hinted that I shouldve let his mum come round when she texted me after our meeting as she wanted to give me the chance to talk.

"and has even hinted that I shouldve let his mum come round when she texted me after our meeting as she wanted to give me the chance to talk."

Yes that was clever of her.

BUT, the meeting was the chance to talk & it didn't happen, there was no need for another immediately after!

i wouldn't be pushed out of my own home for her.

She can visit when you're not there.

It gives her what she wants, but it also gives you what you want & I assume your husband-time with his mum withiut you glowering in the background

Well, you know what I mean.

So that might be the way to go atm.

It's not just that you don't get on-it's that there's no respect or civility!

He really does not get it does he; he still does not realise that his own actions are basically now hurting his own self as well as his own family unit. Sadly he may never come to realise.

His mother would have acted precisely the same no matter whom your DH had married.

I don't think this can be forgotten; he's failed to back you up spectacularly. It's going to leave a mark that won't be erased until the time comes that he really does 'leave his parents' tent and cleaves to his wife'. Which he's spectacularly failed to do.

Now? I suppose let the dust settle. He's let you down badly, and you've said some bad things to him. Can you talk in a while? like, a few days or a few weeks? this will fester badly otherwise - for him as well as you.

But you are absolutely right to insist on your boundaries. I'm afraid that I simply would not let your son go to her either becuase you cannot trust your husband to stand up to his mother and she will almost certainly want time alone with him. If not now, in the not-far-future. I really do not think he will respect your wishes in this, happy :/

In your shoes, I'm afraid I'd be binning the 'daddy' stuff outright. I'd be saying pleasantly that stuff that says Mummy and Daddy is fine. Stuff that endlessly says just Daddy isn't. (how would he feel if he was permanently sidelined I wonder?). I'd be objecting wildly if he and she went on holiday together again. I'd be objecting if he left you alone for the weekend. I'm afraid I'd also be quietly copying bank statements and ensuring I know where the paperwork is .... not that it'll get that far, hopefully. Just in case. Hopefully never needed.

But what I'd be doing might not, ahem, be the best idea.

I don't know, OP. You're in an untenable position. I can't see this going well now, so I hope wiser posters can advise.

and yes, she'd be like this with any female in his life. Absolutely.

I'm sorry happymum but your hd there with dc and his mother won't stop her , sure he is blind to her manipulative ways ie the tops ! . If he's anything like my hd they think because she didn't say it your imagining it !!! Believe or not my dh couldn't see past the underhand comments or manipulation because he didn't her her say anything directly . He believes me now and has started to see it but god it took a long time and a lot of arguments . There bloody witches .