On the verge of going insane...is ex lying about cancer?

[DoomDeer]

BACKSTORY:
5 1/2 months ago ex walked out told me he no longer loved me, after being off with me for two weeks. I found out he applied for a loan and it all came out after I confronted him. I, like most other people would, accused him of cheating. He swore he hadn't but something wasn't sitting right.

Cue 1 month ago, I receive an ominous text saying "we need to talk". He comes round and explains he has cancer. He has been receiving private treatment, in order to pay for it he will no longer be able to pay the rent for me and DD (this was temporary, I never expected him to pay for it anyway). I was in shock told him if he needed lefts or a hand to hold I would be there. I also made it very clear I did not want to be in a relationship with him, as I felt the decision he had made was a selfish one. Basically putting DD and I on the verge of homelessness and scrapping the barrel to make ends meet.


Ex told me he didn't want his family to know, only his boss and myself knew (he's always had a hero complex) but agreed to me telling our DD that he was very ill and would need to rest alot.

Now, almost my entire family has been affected by colorectal cancer, my Dad, my aunt, my aunt died of it, my Nan. I'm thinking if you're going to lie about cancer you don't pick the one that the person knows most about...

He was on medication (wouldn't tell me the name) but from the sounds of the symptoms it's the one they give you instead of chemo? He was then booked in for an operation yesterday. Now, I know that if you have a history or have been diagnosed with colorectal cancer and they are removing the tumor they will either go for open surgery or abdominal keyhole surgery. Apparently these doctors did an endoscopic removal (through the bum), which they only really do if it's either just polyps or its very early stages.

He then texts me this morning to say that he's at work?! My dad can just about walk around the house when he's had a endoscopy!

I am so confused, I would feel awful if I called him a lier and it turned out to be true but on the other hand I'm thinking what kind of a sick son of bitch lies about this to anyone, let alone his daughter and the woman he had a child with and wanted to marry.

Any advice on how to go about this? or anyone who has a bit more experience with cancer treatments? I feel like I'm on the edge of a mental breakdown here.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Go round and check if he's there

[fromparistoberlin73]

I smell a rat OP . Too many inconsistencies here

[QueenBean]

OP I really feel for you - whatever the outcome of this is it's a shitty situation for you. Don't have anything useful that hadn't been covered by pp so offering you

[Daria01]

Coolas has a point. Maybe you should ignore all of this and focus on making that CMS claim.

Personally, I'd have to get to the bottom of it. But you can do that whilst still filing a claim with the CMS.

[RomillyJane]

he is lying. definitely. this is complete bull sh*t

[winterland]

It certainly sounds less than plausible. He will tie himself in knots eventually op

[Jux]

Does he often get held up at work?

[venusandmars]

Oh Doom

That is what I'd predicted - either he'd have an excuse and not come, or he'd not bring the info....

This is so horrid for you - he may be ill, and scared, and in denial. Or maybe not.

But with every interaction it seems less likely that he is ill, and more likely that he has been untruthful..

[aylesburyduck]

OP I totally understand what you are going through.

My ex told me that he had a brain tumour and that the tumour was the reason why he was physically violent and verbally abusive towards me.

I heard so many lies that week. His GP diagnosed the tumor (in a 10 minute appointment) and the very next day he had to go to the hospital for "tests". He also didn't want his family to know.... Nothing added up which it wouldn't - he lied so much he tied himself up in knots. It was yet another play for sympathy and an excuse for his vile behaviour.

I felt sick to my stomach to think that someone could sink so low but then he was an out and out slug so in hindsight it shouldn't have surprised me.

[WineWineWine]

He'll never show you the paperwork, there will be a string of excuses.
I think I would have a char with his mum to express concern about him trying to manage this on his own.

[BalloonSlayer]

Do you know who his GP is? When you lived together presumably you had the same one? (Or maybe that rule doesn't apply any more).

Obviously GPs are not allowed to discuss other patients with you, but you could ring your GP for advice. He/she will probably have had some experience of this sort of thing. If you do have the same GP, they will not be able to tell you anything about your EX's medical condition but what they do/don't say will speak volumes.

[QuintsBombWithAWiew]

Don't bother with him. Put in the cms/ csa claim and leave him to it. Don't be his audience. .

[AlpacaYourThings]

What a horrible situation for you and your DD.

[BitOutOfPractice]

It does sound very fishy but you would be surprised how many people do keep a diagnosis like this a secret from their family. Like my FiL who had chemo without telling his wife though that's because they are both unhinged

[Blowmeonelastkiss]

I wouldn't bother playing detective or asking him to prove it. It sounds like he is lying but it's not your job to find the truth if he is an ex.

I know someone who did this and fooled his wife, family and employers. He eventually admitted it calmly when challenged.

Your concern is ensuring your dd is provided for and I agree that you should contact the CMS to organise regular maintenance.

[Blowmeonelastkiss]

My ex also claimed he had cancer after we broke up and sent me a picture of the scar. It turned out to be true (doctor's notes in court) but it didn't actually make any difference to anything. He is now fit and well and still doesn't pay anything.

[DoomDeer]

Best friend was working the night shift, so he wasn't in otherwise I would have done exactly that.

I would have !maybe understood all this if he had been a vile human being throughout our relationship, but he wasn't. The change was so dramatic it surprised everyone, his mum even told him he was an idiot for leaving. I think that's been the hardest bit the fact everything was going really well and then this dropped on me like an atomic bomb.

I need to know if its true or not, its the not knowing that is making me go insane and dragging me down. I need to stay strong for DD, so I need to know.

Wanted to say thank you for the support as well, it means a lot, and I really appreciate it.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I really hope you can get to the bottom of this soon.
Can you discuss with his GP.
I know he can't tell you much but he can maybe give you pointers.
Ask how you can help as he has cancer and see what GPs reaction is.
Good luck OP.

[Twinklestein]

I'm sorry OP I don't believe a single word of it for myriad reasons.

[Meerka]

If he is prepared to put you through this, please be very very careful about how he is with your daughter. You thought he was a decent human being before he left; you found it hard to believe he'd lie about this but it's looking that way.

If he played these sorts of games with your daughter it would truly fuck with her mind. Very hard for her ever to fully recover.

[ElsieMc]

You do not need to go to court over child support for your DD. You need to contact CMEC/CSA. Do it now, because support will be assessed from the date you contact them. The courts do not deal with child support any more and contact and child support are seen as completely separate issues.

If there are issues regarding contact that are insurmountable, then court is an option but only as a last resort and you will be expected to attend mediation which you will have to pay for. The courts can force you to make your dd available for contact but they cannot force him to have contact with your dd.

I think you certainly have enough on your plate at the moment without talk of court which is enormously stressful and with legal representation prohibitively expensive.

You do need to take some advice though and I suggest a free diagnostic interview with a decent local law firm with have a family law specialist.

If he is lying, then I think he must have psychiatric issues because to cause distress to his child and you like this is unbelievable.