On the verge of going insane...is ex lying about cancer?

[DoomDeer]

BACKSTORY:
5 1/2 months ago ex walked out told me he no longer loved me, after being off with me for two weeks. I found out he applied for a loan and it all came out after I confronted him. I, like most other people would, accused him of cheating. He swore he hadn't but something wasn't sitting right.

Cue 1 month ago, I receive an ominous text saying "we need to talk". He comes round and explains he has cancer. He has been receiving private treatment, in order to pay for it he will no longer be able to pay the rent for me and DD (this was temporary, I never expected him to pay for it anyway). I was in shock told him if he needed lefts or a hand to hold I would be there. I also made it very clear I did not want to be in a relationship with him, as I felt the decision he had made was a selfish one. Basically putting DD and I on the verge of homelessness and scrapping the barrel to make ends meet.


Ex told me he didn't want his family to know, only his boss and myself knew (he's always had a hero complex) but agreed to me telling our DD that he was very ill and would need to rest alot.

Now, almost my entire family has been affected by colorectal cancer, my Dad, my aunt, my aunt died of it, my Nan. I'm thinking if you're going to lie about cancer you don't pick the one that the person knows most about...

He was on medication (wouldn't tell me the name) but from the sounds of the symptoms it's the one they give you instead of chemo? He was then booked in for an operation yesterday. Now, I know that if you have a history or have been diagnosed with colorectal cancer and they are removing the tumor they will either go for open surgery or abdominal keyhole surgery. Apparently these doctors did an endoscopic removal (through the bum), which they only really do if it's either just polyps or its very early stages.

He then texts me this morning to say that he's at work?! My dad can just about walk around the house when he's had a endoscopy!

I am so confused, I would feel awful if I called him a lier and it turned out to be true but on the other hand I'm thinking what kind of a sick son of bitch lies about this to anyone, let alone his daughter and the woman he had a child with and wanted to marry.

Any advice on how to go about this? or anyone who has a bit more experience with cancer treatments? I feel like I'm on the edge of a mental breakdown here.

[DorothyBastard]

Goodness what a terrible situation, you can't hope for either outcome, either he's got cancer, or he's a despicable lying shit. I hope you find out either way.

[JoanHickson]

People who have little money do go private when the NHS let's them down. I had to and so have others I know.

Speculating isn't going to answer this. Only from the horses mouth. From a Dr can confirm the dx.

[firesidechat]

An endoscopy only goes as far down as the stomach and to the sphincter just before the small intestine so this is bollocks. I've had friends and family who have been treated for bowel cancer. One had chemo, one had radiotherapy. Both had abdominal surgery and a stoma.

I think endoscopies can go the other way too. My husband has regular endoscopies through the urethra and I assume they could do one through the rectum too. I still don't believe the story, but thought it was worth mentioning.

[ImperialBlether]

Yes, but Joan, he isn't saying the NHS has let him down, is he?

[JoanHickson]

Who knows anything other than their own experiences. As I said been on the receiving end of lies from an ex and not being believed.

[firesidechat]

A few things have come up on this thread which I think are worth a mention. Nothing to do with the actual opening post though, sorry op.

but cancer surgery and treatment is more open-ended, so it is not usually covered by insurance beyond having a particular operation,

Health insurance does cover ongoing cancer treatment or at least my husband's does and he will probably be having it forever.

- can you attend the next Macmillan meeting with him so you can discuss how to handle this with your daughter?

We have never had or been offered an appointment with a Macmillan nurse in 6 years of cancer treatment.

Hope you find out what the situation is soon op. Either way, ill or a liar, it's not good.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh heck. I feel nervous for yuo op because you're on to a loser either way aren't you? Good luck

[MrsPnut]

Whenever I have had a colonoscopy, I have been given sedation and had to sign paperwork showing that I have been told not to drive for at least 24 hours afterwards.

[OldCatLady]

If he manages to 'forget' the papers can you say you are seeking financial help/benefits and have been asked to present a doctors note from his doctor to show that he is not able to care for DD on a regular basis due to illness.

Tell him you need to complete forms by 'x' date so can he please phone the Dr tomorrow.



It sounds dodgy, you need to know either way.

[overslept]

What strikes me as suspect is that he has said he is going privately. I would assume if he is lying this is because as his wife you could casually call up and ask random questions about recovery etc. If you don't know what clinic he is using then you can't call.

Agree with everybody else, you need proof. I actually find it strange he wouldn't show you. If I had been diagnosed with cancer I would want somebody to talk to about it, show the letters to and ask what they thought, an ex if on good terms would be a good option for this as you probably know each other better than anybody else.

[Coyoacan]

People who have little money do go private when the NHS let's them down. I had to and so have others I know

But for cancer, Joan?

I earn a reasonably good wage in Mexico, which is a health tourist hotspot because of the low cost of medical treatment, but there is no way I could afford to pay for private cancer treatment here, heaven knows what it costs in the UK.

[firesidechat]

Oh it's a lot Coyoacan. We sometimes get the anaesthetists bill because some of them charge more than the insurance will over. I dread to think what the whole cost of the treatment would be.

I would imagine that only very, very wealthy people would even consider it and it shouldn't be necessary. Once cancer has been diagnosed I think NHS cancer is very good and probably every bit as good as private.

[middlethird]

Either way this isn't a great time. Feel for you OP. Hope everything works out okay in the end.

[HotDogJumpingFrogAlburquerque]

OP I agree with the PP who said about the life insurance - he wouldn't be able to take out a policy for this, it would be a pre-existing condition and excluded (at the very least, more likely he couldn't get cover at all).

[DoomDeer]

I will have to wait and see what he comes up with.

With his life insurance he took it out a couple of years ago when I suggested it, as if anything were to happen DD and I would be financially screwed.

I will definitely be suggesting that we go together to the next appointment so a. I can hear it directly and b. I can understand the situation if it is true and help him if it's needed. I'm a caring person and wouldn't want him to go through that on his own, if it is true.

Either way, I feel we(DD and I) lose out. I am still bitter that he has potentially taken away what remaining time DD had with him and put her through emotional turmoil (she has not taken the split very well despite my best efforts to keep things as normal as possible for her).

[Itsfab]

He will probably say he doesn't want to worry or trouble you so you can't go to the appointments. I would say that your daughter would surely want her mother to help her father and it is a good lesson for doing the right thing for your daughter..

[Belleende]

I am not a clinical expert but I do work in the cancer field.
A few things ring alarm bells
1 the only reason to go private would be to get drugs not available on nhs. If he was at this stage it is likely his cancer would be advanced, if it was advanced, he would be having open surgery if any surgery at all.
2 if chemo is given before surgery, it would normally be a few rounds then wait to see if tumour has shrunk, the timeline seems too short for me
3 even the new drugs have side effects, maybe not hair falling out, but they are not aspirin.
4 you do not go back to work after an endoscopy

Not 100% sure but sounds dodgy

Questions to ask
Name of consultant
Name of drugs
Extent of spread
Result of biopsies
Why private?

Good luck

[Belleende]

Oh btw a course of the drugs would be £50to80k. So ask about the cost as well.

[TweedAddict]

Sorry but I don't think it adds up either

[DollyDreamboat]

So when is he coming round with his info?

[Tinks42]

Hes lying OP, totally lying. He'd have loads of letters etc to back it up and the fact that he wont show you anything is proof. I'd ask for hard copy evidence or tell him to do one.

[Daria01]

Oh I'm so sorry OP. It does sound like he is lying I'm afraid. I'd not let in to him that your smell a rat just yet.

Ask him to show you all the paper work from now on, including the date of his next apt (when he finds it). You could always show up to the clinic just to see if you can spot his car outside, then make a quick getaway if you think he IS telling the truth. If you suspect he is lying, ring his mobile and ask him where he is. If he says he's in the waiting room and you can't spot him, you'll know he lying. Or you could speak to the receptionist/HCA and say you've come to an appt to support your DP but you're not sure where to go. If there's no record of the appt, then it's obviously not true.

It's obviously a very sensitive issue, and it would be awful if you wrongly accuse him, which is why I think you need to play detective rather than outright accuse him, just in case...

[DoomDeer]

what a surprise I have just received a text to say he can't make it. He's been held up at work. While this may be completely true, it is a very busy time at his place of work at the moment, I can't help feeling it's another lie.

It really doesn't sit right with me, I feel maybe he's lying about either the stage at which it's at or lying outright about the entire thing. Things just don't add up.

Even if he does come round eventually with something, I'll know what I'm looking at. I've seen plenty of endoscopy reports through my dad, I takje him to appointments when my Mum is working, have seen the letters they send and the volume of letters.

If he is lying about everything, it makes me very angry for DD as she hasn't seen him in almost 2 weeks due to "appointments", that's not fair on her just so he can keep up a lie. She misses her Dad.

[Daria01]

Sorry for my typing, on my shitty phone.

[Daria01]

Did you say your best friend lives with you? Can you leave him in charge of DD and drive round to your ex's house and see if he's in?