On the verge of going insane...is ex lying about cancer?

[DoomDeer]

BACKSTORY:
5 1/2 months ago ex walked out told me he no longer loved me, after being off with me for two weeks. I found out he applied for a loan and it all came out after I confronted him. I, like most other people would, accused him of cheating. He swore he hadn't but something wasn't sitting right.

Cue 1 month ago, I receive an ominous text saying "we need to talk". He comes round and explains he has cancer. He has been receiving private treatment, in order to pay for it he will no longer be able to pay the rent for me and DD (this was temporary, I never expected him to pay for it anyway). I was in shock told him if he needed lefts or a hand to hold I would be there. I also made it very clear I did not want to be in a relationship with him, as I felt the decision he had made was a selfish one. Basically putting DD and I on the verge of homelessness and scrapping the barrel to make ends meet.


Ex told me he didn't want his family to know, only his boss and myself knew (he's always had a hero complex) but agreed to me telling our DD that he was very ill and would need to rest alot.

Now, almost my entire family has been affected by colorectal cancer, my Dad, my aunt, my aunt died of it, my Nan. I'm thinking if you're going to lie about cancer you don't pick the one that the person knows most about...

He was on medication (wouldn't tell me the name) but from the sounds of the symptoms it's the one they give you instead of chemo? He was then booked in for an operation yesterday. Now, I know that if you have a history or have been diagnosed with colorectal cancer and they are removing the tumor they will either go for open surgery or abdominal keyhole surgery. Apparently these doctors did an endoscopic removal (through the bum), which they only really do if it's either just polyps or its very early stages.

He then texts me this morning to say that he's at work?! My dad can just about walk around the house when he's had a endoscopy!

I am so confused, I would feel awful if I called him a lier and it turned out to be true but on the other hand I'm thinking what kind of a sick son of bitch lies about this to anyone, let alone his daughter and the woman he had a child with and wanted to marry.

Any advice on how to go about this? or anyone who has a bit more experience with cancer treatments? I feel like I'm on the edge of a mental breakdown here.

[Shakey1500]

doomdeer I have this thread on watch and often wonder how things panned out for you? Hope you're ok x

[stareatthetvscreen]

any news op? how are things?

[WineWineWine]

My ex told me he'd been diagnosed with MS just after we split up. Not sure what he was hoping to achieve but it failed. I didn't believe him and it wasn't true.

[Lweji]

TBH, I'd detach, so that it wouldn't matter so much if he had the cancer or not.
It sounds like he played the sympathy card with you and got bogged down in the lies.

[SirRaymondClench]

I need to point out there was never any paperwork, nor evidence of hospital visits or scans, no evidence at all other than what he said. And he couldn't remember the name of his meds.
Sound familiar?

[SirRaymondClench]

A good friend of mine was going through a divorces with an absolute cock lodger and he announced in very much the same way that he had a brain tumour. Again he didn't want anyone to know and was suitably wishy-washy about the details. He still drank and smoked and drove throughout all this btw. He said it was inoperable and he would be dead by Christmas.
Well guess what? It was a Christmas miracle and a scan showed the tumour had vanished!
This is in spite of NO operation nor chemo etc.
7 years on the fucker is still scratting around sponging off the tax payer as he was before his 'brain tumour'.
The idle twat has 7 children he contributes nothing towards in terms of time nor money. He is vile.
She believed him and almost took him back.
I am no expert on these matters but it seems to be a familiar story to tell amongst these sorts of 'men'.

[TheHoneyBadger]

the private to nhs makes no sense in his situation where his first port of call would have been the gp who would have ordered the tests on the nhs.

i have gone from private to nhs before but because i was having an operation done privately and the routine pathology tests of the excised tissue found carcinoma like changes - my consultant told me the results and said he'd already refered me over to nhs - there was no point at all at going private at that point apparently because it would be treated as urgent and any treatment required would be covered under the nhs.

[PausingFlatly]

Agree with HoneyBadger that some point a wonderful all clear will be declared or he'll move on to a nervous breakdown. But if he's a bit dim, it may take him a while to stop digging.

For DD's sake the "all clear" should be sooner rather than later. So perhaps spelling out his escape route would be helpful: "Is there any possibility the op did after all get it all? Did the treatment work? DD's in such a state and it will be such a huge relief to her. Obviously it's a big part of her anxiety."

Doesn't make him anything less of a steaming turd to have tried this on (assuming he is indeed lying), and it's not something you'll forget quickly I imagine, but it would close down the situation and help DD.

[SirRaymondClench]

I think he is talking absolute shit. The time frame doesn't even add up.
He must have some sort of paperwork even if it is just confirmation letters from hospital for appointments. I have frequent appointments at hospital and for surgery and the paperwork is horrendous.
Tell him to do one and go to the CSA.

[TheHoneyBadger]

just read your thread. i agree it seems suspect. i would expect (now you've said you'll tell his family and it's all going to get out of control) he'll have wonderful news and all clear.

hope you're ok and getting to spend a nice weekend with your dd. lots of cuddles and relaxed time together just watching movies or whatever where she can zone out and let her mind rest or puzzles and games and other easy-ish (as in not too taxing) distractions. helps to sort of zone out of the active thinking mind and let things settle down ime.

[flanjabelle]

My theory is he has a new woman, hence needing the money and missing contact with dd. He doesn't want to be the bad guy so has made up the cancer story as an excuse for leaving. If I'm right he is one sick puppydog.

[DoomDeer]

He's not holding money back just stopped paying for our rent. Which I was taking over anyway. I'm not defending him, just making points clear.

I still don't believe him and am waiting to hear what he has to say. I too have had the thought it might be a polyp and he was blowing it out of proportion.

He didn't take out the loan, instead got a second job and took any overtime available. I don't know if this is true, but I do know he didn't take out the loan.

At the moment I'm playing it by ear, seeing whether he does come up with anything.

[ImperialBlether]

Next time you see him, your friend needs to say, "Oh my friend is a receptionist at that hospital. You'll see her when you go for treatment. I'll tell her to look out for you. Who's your consultant?"

And watch him shake.

[Chefpepperjack]

The lying
The crying
The financial deception
The manipulation
The talk about there being money after he's gone

I've had all if this
Look up sociopathic traits

[BirdhouseInYourSoul]

Perhaps his tears were guilt at knowing he's contributing to DD's anxiety?

Well, that's how a parent would normally feel I think.

I should imagine the results from this operation will show that they got everything and no further treatment will be needed. It'll be a miracle!

I'd tell his mother.

[cestlavielife]

sorry but it's your right to tell school that dd is anxious and that one reason is because her dad has told her he has cancer (or is having a cancer scare) ! stop protecting him. focus on dd's needs and that includes telling school what is going on . he really cannot stop you telling school and anyone else involved with your dd.

just tells school. then turn your phone off and don't talk to him.

[NettleTea]

yes, your DDs situation has really given him a distraction to take your mind off asking him all those awkward questions. Clever move ex.....

[Meerka]

I didn't pry too much as he was clearly very upset at the news DD had anxiety (crying it was all a bit awkward).

excuse me for being cynical but are you quite sure he wasn't putting it on and manipulating you? The cancer story sounds false (many apologies to the man if it isnt!!) and he doesn't seem at all the man you thought he was.

[NettleTea]

Do you think that he has had a polyp and is blowing it hugely out of proportion?
Because his story just doesnt add up at all.
Is he saying the loan was to pay for treatment? Has he actually taken a loan? if so, what could he have spent it on?
These peoples lies seem to always have the smallest grain of reality - ie he took a loan, but not for the reason he told you, he has had some investigative procedure but he hasnt got cancer, he has bought some drugs, but they are not to do with treatment....

[Chefpepperjack]

My ex lied about having a brain tumour
I've never confronted him, never told him I know
He never had one piece of paper from gp, hospital. No appt cards, invoices, nothing. It was supposedly done privately.
At the time I had a benign breast lump removed and I had a lot of paperwork, done privately.

If he was having private treatment there would be some paperwork.

He's full of shit
And yes, probably a sociopath

You need to disassociate yourself from him and go through CSA to get what he has to pay you for dd

[DoomDeer]

He came round had nothing to show me, only a pamphlet for HSF (not HSA), housemate agreed he didn't look ill. hadn't lost vast amounts of weight (maybe a stone but I've done that in less time).

We spoke about DD, I explained that she needed reassurance and to be kept in the loop, I told him he needs to tell his family or I will as his mum works at DD school and so they need to be informed so they can help her through her anxiety. He agreed but asked to wait to see what the results of this operation were so he could give them clear facts (fair enough, if it's true). I didn't pry too much as he was clearly very upset at the news DD had anxiety (crying it was all a bit awkward).

Other than that, I made sure he knew DD needed her routine at the moment she needed to have warning when she was going to his and when she wasn't so as to not make her more anxious.

I feel better about it now, more like I'm in control. I'm sometimes to nice for my own good but I always trust my gut instinct and it's telling me still to be wary at the moment.

[FryOneFatManic]

Not only do HSA (Simply Health) only pay out on actual receipts and hospital confirmation, the benefits are very clearly defined and limited, and based on contributions. While cancer treatment is covered, I don't think it'll be covered to the extent that the Ex is claiming.

[bruffin]

Hsa usually pay on just receipts and hospitals stamping claims form. Also it hasnt been HSA for a long time. Its now Simply health.
Its not the same type of health insurance as Bupa. It usually only pays half of the costs of things like dentist and glasses or nights in hospital.