On the verge of going insane...is ex lying about cancer?

[DoomDeer]

BACKSTORY:
5 1/2 months ago ex walked out told me he no longer loved me, after being off with me for two weeks. I found out he applied for a loan and it all came out after I confronted him. I, like most other people would, accused him of cheating. He swore he hadn't but something wasn't sitting right.

Cue 1 month ago, I receive an ominous text saying "we need to talk". He comes round and explains he has cancer. He has been receiving private treatment, in order to pay for it he will no longer be able to pay the rent for me and DD (this was temporary, I never expected him to pay for it anyway). I was in shock told him if he needed lefts or a hand to hold I would be there. I also made it very clear I did not want to be in a relationship with him, as I felt the decision he had made was a selfish one. Basically putting DD and I on the verge of homelessness and scrapping the barrel to make ends meet.


Ex told me he didn't want his family to know, only his boss and myself knew (he's always had a hero complex) but agreed to me telling our DD that he was very ill and would need to rest alot.

Now, almost my entire family has been affected by colorectal cancer, my Dad, my aunt, my aunt died of it, my Nan. I'm thinking if you're going to lie about cancer you don't pick the one that the person knows most about...

He was on medication (wouldn't tell me the name) but from the sounds of the symptoms it's the one they give you instead of chemo? He was then booked in for an operation yesterday. Now, I know that if you have a history or have been diagnosed with colorectal cancer and they are removing the tumor they will either go for open surgery or abdominal keyhole surgery. Apparently these doctors did an endoscopic removal (through the bum), which they only really do if it's either just polyps or its very early stages.

He then texts me this morning to say that he's at work?! My dad can just about walk around the house when he's had a endoscopy!

I am so confused, I would feel awful if I called him a lier and it turned out to be true but on the other hand I'm thinking what kind of a sick son of bitch lies about this to anyone, let alone his daughter and the woman he had a child with and wanted to marry.

Any advice on how to go about this? or anyone who has a bit more experience with cancer treatments? I feel like I'm on the edge of a mental breakdown here.

[IamtheZombie]

So the story he gave me was he went privately and was then transferred to NHS (thought it was the otherway round).

If he is now receiving treatment on the NHS, then he is no longer paying for any treatment. Also, you remarked in one of your earlier posts that he told you his pills were £150. When I was diagnosed with cancer I immediately became eligible for free prescriptions.

Given your family history, you obviously already know quite a lot about colorectal cancer. But here's the link to the Macmillan pages. Macmillan

[DoomDeer]

I asked him to bring his reports and appointment letter round tonight so I could understand and plan around what was going on. Conversation from then:

Him: you don't need to plan around it cos I don't know yet what the results are or what action they are going to take. I don't know what time i finish today (shift work).

Me: I would like to see the letters anyway. It would help me to understand and help where I can. I don't mind what time it is, I have a very busy week this is the only night I can do.

Him: As soon as I get them u can have them (yes, I hate text speak too) would b nice to have help reading them as they're a bit much for me (he's dyslexic)

Me:I would like to see the ones you already have so I can read through for myself. You will have a report from your previous endoscopy and will have appointment letters which will have some info as well.

Him: ok.

Me: :let me know when you are coming round.

Him: will do thanks.

[LadySybilLikesCake]

It is possible to have the initial consultation as a private patient and swap onto the NHS, but the endoscopy sounds like bull if it's suspected bowel cancer.

[JoanHickson]

This is hard. My ex is a liar so I can understand from that side of the fence. My ex accused me of lying, stating things that were true could not be so for various reasons. It was hurtful and caused a lot of damage as people believed him and we're mighty cruel when I and the children were ill.

[LadySybilLikesCake]

My ex is a liar, not on this scale though.

[DayLillie]

My friend, who has had loads of treatment on her OH's work insurance, thought she had some symptoms of the bowels that were a bit suspect.

She went to the GP and had a camera up the bum on the NHS within a fortnight. It was the quickest and the best way.

Private is fine if you want a particular op at a particular time, but cancer surgery and treatment is more open-ended, so it is not usually covered by insurance beyond having a particular operation, and would be really difficult to self-fund.

For a straight forward op, you are talking £200 each for consultant meeting and follow up meeting, up to £4000 for the op and hospital stay, over £1000 for the anaesthetist.

[DraggingDownDownDown]

He can have a Transanal resection of tumour. This is all done via the rectum - so no incisions.

[DoomDeer]

Well, I hope he's not lying, I feel I may stick something up there myself if he is but I willl find out tonight and let you all know what happens.

[CalamityKate1]

I bet he's panicking now. Frantically trying to knock up some official looking hospital letters....

"Ur next appt is on the 13th Dec. pls bring any meds ur on".

[AnnieLobeseder]

Well, for the sake of his health I hope he is lying. Yes, that makes him a cockwomble but having a case of the terminal cockwombles is better than having an actual terminal illness.

But I have a feeling there will be a Very Good Excuse why he didn't bring the letters when he comes round tonight.

[PausingFlatly]

I think you're playing this exactly the right way: sympathy for now, and asking to see letters and be involved.

It could be true. It's just that everything you've said is like a gigantic checklist for Telling Lies.

• You mustn't discuss his story with other people.
  
• He went private instead of NHS when he has no insurance and not much money. And, according to the timescales, started this while living with you.
  
• He is now on the NHS but is paying £150 for pills.
  
• He refused to give you the name of the medication, despite buying it himself.
  
• His description of working immediately after treatment is unusual.
  
• He supposedly has something that he's seen a lot of via your family, and might be able to talk about.
  
• He has a history of lying.
  
• The upshot of the story is he stops paying you money.
  

If he now has some delay before he can show you paperwork, that will be another check. And another if paperwork is one or two dodgy looking letters.

If it turns out he isn't lying, you absolutely shouldn't feel bad for having suspected him and checked. You'd be foolish not to with a list like that.

[RunningOutOfIdeas]

If he has any kind of surgery on his guts, he probably would have had to follow a bowel cleansing regimen the day before. This is often taking a particularly revolting drink called Moviprep. He would not have been allowed to eat anything and would have been unable to be more than 10ft from the toilet as everything in his bowel clears.

You could ask him what the bowel prep was like.

[JoanHickson]

I can tell you as someone accused of lying about illness I offered my ex to attend an appointment to prove I was telling the truth, he never responded. I sent the invite via his solicitor who then parted ways straight away after.

[venusandmars]

Sadly I think he will find an excuse this evening - either an excuse for him not to come round, or an excuse about not bringing his letters, and then before you know it all is notes will have been returned to the doctor so they can 'review his treatment' or some other bullshit.

Did he always have life insurance? (if so how did he know to arrange it so that it would be in trust for your dd until she is 18, rather than payable to you as his partner? is there nothing to help provide for her in the meantime?) It can be difficult, if not impossible to arrange life insurance once you already have a cancer diagnosis - or it will exclude payout for a death related to the cancer..... and it would be unlikely that he could arrange it while the specialists were uncertain of the stage / likely outcome..

[Mouldypineapple]

That is true Running Bowel prep is nasty stuff! He may have had a colonoscopy without sedation, it does happen but if they were planning to do nasty things to him he would have been offered something I imagine. It is likely the next day he might feel a bit weaker than usual due to the bowel clear out and not eating. And depending on what they did...
Fairly unlikely he would rush back to a physical job the next day but not impossible. Inside your bowel isn't all that sensitive so he probably wouldn't be in much pain, perhaps some discomfort. Actually they usually pump some air in to see better so that makes you feel quite horrid.

At least you have lots of things to bring up in conversation tonight!

[JoanHickson]

A consultant s appointment or GP one with you there, discussing the dx should tell you it's true.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Blimey - bit of a Sophie's choice here.
You don't really want either of them to be true.
I really don't know what would be best for tonight.
That he brings everything as proof and he has cancer or that he's completely lied about it all.
This can't be easy OP.

[Itsfab]

I hope he is lying then your daughter isn't likely to lose her father.

[seagull70]

Well you know that he has form for lying anyway. I think that he still needs to pay maintenance regardless of whether it's true or not.

Contact a solicitor and start the process. If he really can't pay because of treatment costs incurred then presumably the courts would ask him to prove it?

Good luck OP

[DoomDeer]

I do hope for my daughter's sake he hasn't got cancer but at the same time for her sake I hope her father isn't a lying, twisted sociopath.

I will see what he brings with him tonight be it a horrible excuse or letters. I can't imagine him being able to knock together a comprehensible letter in that short time considering all his texts have had out patients spelt "out patience".

My best friend who lived with us and still lives with me, can't believe whats going on, BestFriend is the only one I have told as he caught me off guard one day when I had been crying and knew I was hiding something.

It's been very hard, to keep it together, I just have no idea whether I should be upset or angry or both.

[JoanHickson]

Keep it to the one friend. Can you imagine how you all would feel if you witch hunted an ill Man as was done to me. Put me right off humans. I still think you should ask to visit a Dr with him for his next appointment to confirm he is telling the truth.

[DoomDeer]

Oh,JoanHickson, that's the last thing I would want. I'm not the kind of person that seeks revenge, I'd much rather find out pick myself up and move on. It was just good to get it off my chest instead of carrying it on my shoulders the entire time.

I will ask to go with him to an appointment. I feel like I should be making notes :)

[TranmereRover]

There are lots of questions for him

• if he's now on the NHS, why is he paying for medication?
  
• if he's back to work immediately after treatment, why is he needing to reduce maintenance payments?
  
• can you attend the next Macmillan meeting with him so you can discuss how to handle this with your daughter?
  
• what is his work sick pay policy? does he have any critical illness cover?
  
• how was the Picolax?

[JoanHickson]

I disagree once you know he's ill op leave it up to him what he wants. Focus on getting support for you child, emotional and financial.

[ImperialBlether]

There's no way someone who is broke would go privately for something that's perfectly good on the NHS. It doesn't make any sense.

My money is on him being a complete liar and wanting to stop payments.