On the verge of going insane...is ex lying about cancer?

[DoomDeer]

BACKSTORY:
5 1/2 months ago ex walked out told me he no longer loved me, after being off with me for two weeks. I found out he applied for a loan and it all came out after I confronted him. I, like most other people would, accused him of cheating. He swore he hadn't but something wasn't sitting right.

Cue 1 month ago, I receive an ominous text saying "we need to talk". He comes round and explains he has cancer. He has been receiving private treatment, in order to pay for it he will no longer be able to pay the rent for me and DD (this was temporary, I never expected him to pay for it anyway). I was in shock told him if he needed lefts or a hand to hold I would be there. I also made it very clear I did not want to be in a relationship with him, as I felt the decision he had made was a selfish one. Basically putting DD and I on the verge of homelessness and scrapping the barrel to make ends meet.


Ex told me he didn't want his family to know, only his boss and myself knew (he's always had a hero complex) but agreed to me telling our DD that he was very ill and would need to rest alot.

Now, almost my entire family has been affected by colorectal cancer, my Dad, my aunt, my aunt died of it, my Nan. I'm thinking if you're going to lie about cancer you don't pick the one that the person knows most about...

He was on medication (wouldn't tell me the name) but from the sounds of the symptoms it's the one they give you instead of chemo? He was then booked in for an operation yesterday. Now, I know that if you have a history or have been diagnosed with colorectal cancer and they are removing the tumor they will either go for open surgery or abdominal keyhole surgery. Apparently these doctors did an endoscopic removal (through the bum), which they only really do if it's either just polyps or its very early stages.

He then texts me this morning to say that he's at work?! My dad can just about walk around the house when he's had a endoscopy!

I am so confused, I would feel awful if I called him a lier and it turned out to be true but on the other hand I'm thinking what kind of a sick son of bitch lies about this to anyone, let alone his daughter and the woman he had a child with and wanted to marry.

Any advice on how to go about this? or anyone who has a bit more experience with cancer treatments? I feel like I'm on the edge of a mental breakdown here.

[VenusRising]

Doomdeer, I'm so sorry, but he sounds like he doesn't want to pay for your rent anymore.

And he has made up this story to justify not paying and having little or no interaction with your dd (daddy needs to rest) as well by inventing an illness so he can cruise. He's playing you.

I'd contact a solicitor and get his payments to you and your dd signed off ASAP .

It's a cruel cruel trick he's pulling, especially as he knows it'll floor you because of our family's situation wrt cancer.

I'd contact his family and say he's late in his payments to you, and tell them he's fed me a pack of lies about his health as some crap excuse not to: tell them you'll be perusing him through the courts unless he stumps up. He'll get the message.

I'd also threaten to contact his work about his lies.
He should be paying for his dd - it's the law.


So sorry you're going throughout this shit. What a fucking tosser. Yes, he's an x for a reason.
Stay strong.

[tallulah]

I've had Colorectal cancer and they are trialling "natural orifice" surgery so that is not necessarily a lie.

Agree the rest sadly doesn't add up.

[midgeymum2]

Could you ask him for details of his life insurance so that you are aware of what has to be done if, as he calls it, 'the worst happens'?

He will probably lie. Do you have to call him on it? What do you hope to achieve by getting the truth?

I strongly suspect that you are right and he is bullshitting and it would annoy the hell out of me but either way he sounds like a complete arse and that you are better off without him.

[DoomDeer]

I'm thinking of sending him a message along the lines of:

"Something is not adding up with this. I would like you to come round with proof of appointments, reports etc. tonight so I can see exactly what is going on. I do not care what time it is that you get here, it needs to be tonight."

[MrsSquirrel]

It's more than annoying, It's downright cruel, given DoomDeer's experience of cancer in her family.

[MissBlennerhasset]

What an utterly horrible thing to lie about.

What about calling his boss? You could express concern that he's working long hours after his operation...

[Saltedcaramel2014]

You could call a Macmillan nurse to talk through the treatment he's told you about and see if it tallies. I think it's significant that he's lied to you before, even if it is only about small things. It shows he's capable of it. I also agree with a PP that he may have chosen this cancer because he thought he was clued up on it. What a total unbelievable tosser if he has done this to you and your child. I feel like there is a definite answer you can get on this somehow and it's worth you finding our for sure.

[firesidechat]

Well if daddy needs to rest he shouldn't be at work the day after an anaesthetic and complicated bowl surgery.

I would think the fact that they didn't get all the tumour leaves the way open for continuing to have this as an ongoing saga.

I hope I'm wrong because I can't get my head around anyone pretending to have cancer.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

The best thing to do to flush this out is to say that you will be making an application to the court for him to pay the rent/support for DD. This should be under the Children's Act (IIRC) but please get legal advice as I am not a family lawyer.

I would just say that, given the circumstances, you think this is the best way forward (just be quite matter of fact and refuse to enter into dialogue about it) to determine what ongoing support he will be able to provide for DD as it is best for a third party - such as a Judge - to determine things as it is obviously far too upsetting for you or he to discuss matters sensibly given this terribly upsetting news. He would then need to disclose his medical records. You will know either way then

HTH

[Saltedcaramel2014]

Missed your last post - yes. Good to ask him but perhaps go in more softly so he doesn't shut down/get defensive. Perhaps ask first for proof of costs, say you need to plan financially etc...

[MrsSquirrel]

I wouldn't want him coming round to my house. What do you expect to happen? You know he doesn't have any proof of appointments or medical reports. If he does come round he will only tell you more lies.

[DoomDeer]

I don't really know his boss, I don't even know his name, there are so many in that team I get confused who is who.

I genuinely have no idea what to do, I feel like I'm some kind of crazed bitch ex who accuses him of everything under the sun. I just can't fathom someone lying about having cancer, it's so twisted and sociopathic.

[GemmaTeller]

Ask to see his letters/appointments from the hospital.

I'm being treated for cancer and I have a folder full of hospital letters.

[TheLittleOneSaidRollOver]

If he is lying, he has no reason to start telling the truth.

If he is an unreasonable person then he will not suddenly start being reasonable.

If he has decided to screw you over then he will try to screw you over even if you see through his lies.

All you can do is see a solicitor.

Let the courts enforce your rights so that he can't screw you over just because he wants to.

Keep those emails and texts where he is telling you all this cancer stuff.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I thought I'd read it all on here but this really does take the biscuit.

If you send that message, prepre for him to be very very angry with you and make you feel bad for asking.

[firesidechat]

If he is being treated by the NHS and capable of working then he has no reason not to be supporting you financially.

[MrsSquirrel]

You don't need to do anything at the moment. It's a lot to get your head round. The man who you were going to spend the rest of your life with, the father of your child, turns out to be a cruel, sociopathic liar.

Give yourself some time. Maybe in a few days, when you are feeling calmer, you can decide what to do.

[MissBlennerhasset]

I agree that he's not going to show you any letters, he will have some ridiculous excuse.

I think Gobbolino's idea is probably the best one.

[DoomDeer]

I can't go to his as I have to look after DD and she will be in bed by the time he finishes work.

Maybe I could contact his mum and say I need a word with her as I'm concerned about what ex has been saying? Let her know. SO far I haven't told a soul (other than anonymously) about his situation as that's what he asked for.

I don't particularly want to go to court, I just don't have the time. I start my new job next week, my DD is starting with her childminder, My sister is getting married next year. I've never been so stressed in all my life.

[MrsSquirrel]

I agree with the others, In the longer term you are going to have to get legal on him to ensure he supports his own child.

Whether that will be via the courts, as Gobbolino suggests, or via the Child Maintenance Service/Child Support Agency is a decision for another day.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

I doubt you will have to go to court. However, you have to flush this man out either way.

I know you are stressed but I think that having this issue hanging over you along with any other stunts he pulls as he think you are a soft touch will be much more stressful in the long run.

The other alternative is simply engineer a life where you are not financially reliant on him and that any money he pays is a bonus.

[tiredteddy]

I have never experienced anything like this. My thought was how about telling his family. You would be telling them as he will need their support, for his own good if it is true and if it is not, then they will hopefully tell you and make him pay for your dd properly.

[BalloonSlayer]

I genuinely have no idea what to do, I feel like I'm some kind of crazed bitch ex who accuses him of everything under the sun. I just can't fathom someone lying about having cancer, it's so twisted and sociopathic.

Have a look at this thread on relationships at the moment, there is someone who has been going through similar for years. It's dreadful.

[LadySybilLikesCake]

Goodness, this is horrible!

An endoscopy only goes as far down as the stomach and to the sphincter just before the small intestine so this is bollocks. I've had friends and family who have been treated for bowel cancer. One had chemo, one had radiotherapy. Both had abdominal surgery and a stoma.

Can you offer to go with him to his next appointment?

I'm so sorry he's putting you through this, what a wanker! You could do with getting in touch with the CSA (or whatever they are called now).

[LaurieFairyCake]

It doesn't matter whether he's lying - if he is he's the type to then say youre lying if you tell his family what he told you.

Just proceed with your claim for child support and don't contact him. As for him seeing your Dd, leave him to pursue it.

He's never going to give you proof and all that will happen is you'll get the hurt bunny look if you ask. He really will accuse you of making it up if you spill the beans - there is nothing to be gained by talking to him again.