Four threads to freedom! Divorcing Twatchops once and for all

[thenamehaschanged]

Still can't copy and paste links but my last thread was New name, new game, less stress, more progress!

This really, really is the last one now - I hope that my story has helped anybody breaking free from abuse - it's bloody hard but you can do it!

Why feather the nest with a new extension and kitchen when you are getting divorced in June - 2 months away, sorry I don't understand your reasoning........

Sorry Bill I wasn't clear there, the divorce has been put on hold - we were due in court for the financials and this was cancelled and moved 3 months ahead, the question in June will be are we going ahead with it or are we reconciled.

No Momagain, it's happyish families at the moment, I agreed to have him back, I gave in and so I decided that I can't play some silly damsel under duress role to him and everyone we know, I was going to give this another go as I could see the desperation in him and his willingness to change and hold my head up at the same time, except even with him making changes I know that this can never work, I've been through far too much with him, i can't kiss him, the thought of him touching me or anything intimate is just awful, and he knows it too - my thinking with the extension is just get it done, add value, me settled in work, everyone nicely distracted with building works etc and then when it's all over, I'll be in a much stronger position. I also think he'll be more resigned to it next time, I think he's happy to be back but is slowly getting depressed as he can see we will never be again what we were in our twenties....and I'm lusting after the idea of freedom, dating, shagging haha.

If i think too deeply about it all which I was doing on my way home today I just get really down and crack the wine open, so I prefer to keep myself comfortably numb really

Hey Font! [smike]

not smike!

Name Ive only just seen your update. Please dont think you have to justify yourself It is ultimately your decision. And he knows now that you will stand up for yourself.

What worries me is will he try to coerce/bully you into sex that you dont want. Please be careful

Thats not meant to sound patronizing btw.

Sending you strength in dealing with your situation in whichever way you choose. If you do decide to divorce I hope you will be in a better position and feel strong enough to get there. If you choose to stay I hope you have some degree of happiness.

I haven't read all of your threads but was touched by your update. I hope everything works out for you whatever you decide.

Hi OP, sorry to risk asking you to repeat yourself, so are you back together as a couple officially as in to your children, friends and family?

Thanks everyone, hi Helena!

Nozz - Yes to everyone we are back together, giving it another go.

Helena - yes that's already happening, the difference this time round though is that I'm the one who's in control. I'm the cold, indifferent one and he's the desperate to please one - doesn't feel like a victory though because it isn't deliberate, it's just how I feel. I could end it right now, right this very minute if I phoned him and told him that I don't ever want to have sex with him again and that I would rather just be friends - it may well be the best way to end it but...he has another 'unsigned' work contract now, there currently isn't enough equity in the house to home us both in our local area, and I'm going to use this time to better myself, get healthier of mind and body, get a better paid job - just get myself into a much better position. As I've always read here on MN, plan a divorce and single life on the assumption you will get nothing from your H, anything else then is a bonus. I hadn't done that, I stupidly took into account his earnings too.

I'm going to use this time to better myself, get healthier of mind and body .....she says eating a packet of quavers for breakfast

Hi Thename, thank you for coming back and updating us all. Are you making sure he's not putting himself in the position of being the SAHP or main carer? I'm just concerned that you might find yourself out of your home, without your DCs and paying maintainance to him if your not careful.

Hmm thanks Feck, at the moment he's dropping them to breakfast club every morning before he goes to work as I leave earlier than them so that I can finish earlier and pick them up from school everyday.

It feels pretty 50/50ish at the moment I guess.

You do what you got to do Name.

It took me several attempts to get free of my fucker (who has I've told you before could have been your H's long lost twin brother) ... and I remember so well that feeling of revulsion at the thought of them touching you or kissing you or God forbid, doing the deed. When my kids were little I used to sleep with them (creepy old house with weird layout that meant they were too 'far away' (my excuse), so I'd go to 'see to them' and end up sleeping in their room.

When I used to walk into the bedroom where he slept - the room used to smell of him, and even that used to make me shudder. He wasn't dirty or anything like that (quite the opposite) but you know we all have a unique smell, and his would hit me when I walked into the room.

How bad is that? When you even hate how they smell? That was like the final knockings really and I knew I had to get out of there ... and I did.

You will too!

Oh well done! It's not easy is it? But you've done well in nigh on impossible circs. Iirc this is octopus guy - it's going to take a lot to get his thumping tentacles out of your life.

Have to agree about the extension etc, though - is that the best idea? He may be desperate but don't forget what he has put you through. A hell of a lot, basically.

Thanks for updating

Ah OK, I get you're doing the extension to increase value of house for ultimate resale?

I thought of him becoming sahp, too; you out paying maintenance. Don't put anything past him, name. He threw in his job and has another insecure contract. I'd watch him like a hawk iiwy.

I took ex back because I basically needed another pair of hands. If I'm being completely honest. After a month I knew nothing had changed but we were renting and I used the year's rental to get stronger on my pins so I could leave for good once the year was up.

I knew 3 years before we split that we were going to. And every thing I did between realising it (at my mothers funeral where I discovered he'd cheated on me while I was having a termination he blackmailed me into) was to keep things on an even keel until I was in a position to be completely independent. It came as a heck of a shock to him as he thought Id accepted and forgiven everything! Idiot.

Oh thanks so much everyone you've made me feel tons better! I'd begun hermitting myself away again with the worry and shame of it all - it's just a matter of getting everything in place properly really.

And yeah, he smells Font!

I didn't expect this update

I'm so disappointed for you. I guess if you'd been secure financially you'd not be trying again now, such a sad position to be in.

I wish you all the best though, only you can decide what's best for you but please, be careful

Echoing Joysmum - after every horrid thing that happened and action he took including the effects on the DC please be very careful about accepting him back as a part of your life. Don't let the DC learn this is acceptable and maybe be prepared to leave at any time if god forbid something does happen like him not taking no for an answer

Yeh, he's kind of forced his way back in hasn't he? I remember you posting that you were worried he'd pull a stunt like walk out of his job when it came to sorting the finances after the split.

Seems he's manipulated the situation to be back exactly where he wanted..........

I gave in and so I decided that I can't play some silly damsel under duress role to him and everyone we know

Gentle reminder. This is face spitting, dangerous driving, violent altercations with strangers guy isn't it? The one who loomed into your face one morning as a 'joke'....and so on. You weren't playing a silly role: these things, and much worse,actually happened to you, name.

Don't feel ashamed. Your better life will come, and you will get where you need to go. You really will.

Well, either he is still playing games, or he is ready to be a changed man (it could happen).

Either way, building a better base suits your needs.

Stay on your toes.

And dont be a stranger. I can understand your reluctance to post, but now you have, remember you dont have to be alone.

Yy^^ it might be helpful actually so you can have a record of events should the mask slip and you can see the small things that could be let slide or brushed away. Also if he has changed you will see the difference in his actions and attitudes. Sometimes I find to actually write things down even just day to day stuff helps to remember what has happened. Be careful of going back to walking on eggshells too name

Name, I am so sorry that it has not worked out the way you wanted. But I can see why you have taken the decisions you have. You have done the Freedom programme I think? So you are now wise to his game playing. If this is what you have to do to get your freedom, so be it. But keep rereading your freedom notes.

When he enrols on his programme and completes it you will know he is serious about change. If he doesn't, he is still playing you and the system. I wish there was an easier way for you to get the outcome you want, I really do. In the meantime. We are still here for you :)

Oh name I am so glad to see you back on MN! I thought this would be the outcome I just knew he would pull some sort of stunt with his job, no tight minded person walks out of a job a well paying job at that. Please remember all the shit things he did to you and make it very clear that this is only to give you time to sort the finances out. Is Rottie happy with you getting the re mortgage, will that not be seen as being reconciled is it on both salaries? Sorry so many questions.
Please keep posting here now you've done it its easier to come back. Big hugs to you (((())))

Hi OP, how are you doing?